My Devon banks are awash with primroses and golden shiny faced celandines , the hedgerows showing their first blush of green. Pussywillow is also making it’s first appearance after our long wet winter . I passed a giant willow clothed in the softest green mantle . In the fields the lambs were responding to the warm sunshine and doing what lambs should do , stiff legged jumps and charging helter skelter in small gangs in no particular direction until called to order by their stern mums .
Even in my garden there is the faintest hint of pink on my weeping cherry ,a few more warm days and it will burst into flower .
I view all this with pleasure and sadness , pleasure because spring is a time of renewal and sadness because it is my first spring without Veronica .It is a time of year we both loved .
Changing the subject completely , I have to tell you I am finding this bereavement process very confusing although I am not sure that is the right word . Silence is a strange thing - even when Veronica was not really able to communicate very much we could sit in companiable silence but now silence alone is a cold companion . People say “ put the radio on “ but it doesn’t change things it just makes background noise , the silence is still there . People are also beginning to say things like “ I expect you are beginning to feel a bit better “ .It makes me want to kick them ! I actually don’t want to feel better , does that sound odd ? But somehow “ feeling better “ implies getting over my loss of the person I loved for over fifty years , it feels as though they will slip away from me and I don’t want that . Someone said to me the other day” you don’t ever get over your grief you just learn to manage it better “ and I think those are wise words and ones I shall try to take on board .
Meanwhile Millie ( my cat ) and I will contemplate our respective futures and stare soulfully at each other and wonder what on earth to cook for supper .
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Georgepa
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Such a post - The joy of Spring and a renewal and such an emptiness too.
I still have my Liz, she is in a nursing home, so I am still not so bereft. My time will come and I dread it. So I know what you mean by the silence and her absence. And I too have a moggie which loves to sit and stare at me, but fails to do much more than issue commands.
I like not playing music or radio... It allows me to be with me and be with my sad love of Liz.
I have no words of solace. Just I think I understand a little.
Bereavement can take a couple of years of processing and adjustment and even then I have found that the love of the lost one can surface and bring some sad reflection, but less pain.
Give yourself time. It's a natural process as you know.
II look at the garden springing to life the primroses, dafs. and bud swelling fruit trees and each has a memory attached to Liz. The first plum we shared... Beauty and sadness mixed.
Darling Georgepa anyone who is stupid enough to say expect your starting to feel better is obviously uneducated in your situation!
Personally I wouldn’t give people like that the time of day and my nature would swiftly tell them to foxtrot oscar!
I have lost friends of over 40 years in the last 2/3 years because as far as I’m concerned they don’t understand (why would they I suppose)? But a lil bit more compassion from people would be nice wouldn’t it?
All I will say is this, keep going, your coping and that’s all you can do. Your a wonderful chap that writes beautifully and although your post brought me tears to my eyes I love hearing from you!
Thanks for writing. It helps to read and share here still. I feel so much as you describe, despite having had much less time with my sweetheart. We were never young together, and I have spent most of my adult life on my own, which makes some things easier, I know. I have my job, and am good at being on my own. I can take care of myself. But I have moments of feeling suddenly dizzy and disoriented: here I am, back where I was ten years ago, without him. Sometimes it feels like it was all a dream.
And as the daffodils here are starting at last to risk peeping above the soil, I keep remembering, feeling, my sweetheart's last spring with me. Approaching, in two weeks, the anniversary of his last birthday, three weeks before his death, the loss feels immediate and terribly painful. I miss him so much. It isn't getting easier at all.
I generally keep it all to myself, although I haven't run into much tactlessness. Most folks are reasonably understanding, but I haven't been able yet to contact the old friend who in her Christmas card cheerfully expressed her confidence that I would be over my loss by then.
I tend to put podcasts on all night long, light yammering to keep my thoughts from grinding me down and keeping me up - there is a lot to be worried about in the world right now! I generally find it too hard to listen to music.
Anyway, thanks for keeping in touch, George. I love hearing about your spring, and I think celandine is the prettiest flower name of all, however pesty they can be in the garden.
I echo everything you have said, George. Beautiful picture you paint.
Spring has gone " on hold " here but we are promised its return tomorrow. We had one day of spring about a fortnight ago and I went out with my secateurs, happily. However I found I just finished up in tears. We made a good team in the garden. I told Chris what I wanted. He did it all and I made suggestions about moving a pot a bit, planting a few plants, snipping a bit here and there. He finished working. I praised his efforts. He had a bath and we sat admiring the results, holding hands, nibbling titbits and sipping wine whilst listening to music.
There's no way of making it ok.
My spirits will rise when spring comes, I know but its still about adapting to living with a space in my life.
Hi George. Good to hear from you. My husband, Drew, died of CBD 8 weeks ago and I must confess that I am coping less well now than I did when he died. I am trying to keep myself occupied and have re-connected with friends and activities with whom I had almost lost touch but I find the evenings very long and I can't concentrate on much of the rubbish on the TV. I think that I am beginning to realise that this is a long-term situation but I can't imagine living for the rest of my life without Drew. At the moment I feel as though he is still around me and I am worried that this feeling will go. I am desperate to get back into my garden but until the weather warms up in the West of Scotland, I think I'll keep huddled up indoors. Take care.
Oh Georgepa I love your descriptions of spring in Devon I can imagine the colour the sense of renewal.
Bereavement is a whole new journey with as many challenges / seasons as our PSP journeys. I wish I could say something that could help ease your pain but words seem
so inconsequential in the face of your enormous loss.
I'm sure the past year felt like it would never end, full of days that become firsts .all the precious days you and Veronica celebrated as a beautiful couple. I hope this next year will be kinder to you than the last one.you have over fifty years of memories to look back on when you need to , , I'm sure many were very funny , and some not so funny ..I for one would love to hear about them should you ever want to share....I often think about how your doing ...., not only you ,others who post on this forum as well...very brave of you all to continue to be there for us.......Brenda xxx
George a lovely description as always, all I can say is I feel very sad for you all that have lost a love one, can’t imagine what it feels like, don’t really want to get there, George sending you a big hug, ignore those people that don’t understand what you are going through, one day at the time George, hope you enjoy the lovely weather we have been promised for next week. Yvonne xxxx.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful descriptions George - and for sharing what you're going through. Those of us who have not yet experienced that great loss can, and we do, learn a lot by listening to our Survivors.
I wish you good memories, peace from heartache now and then, and the return of warm sun
George, I loved the description of a Devon spring. I lived down there for a few years and I loved watching spring evolve on the daily commute to work. We lived in a village and the beautiful country made any journey a joy.
Reading the rest of your post, makes me wonder if the Victorian idea of going into mourning was actually quite a good idea, a visible sign that 'no, I am not getting over it just because it wasn't last week!' Grief is different for everyone, we should be given the space to do our own thing.
Hi Georgepa, you have such a talent with words and whenever I see your name come up on a post I am compelled to read as I know for a few minutes you will transport me into your beautiful county - so uplifting. Now, I am not going to try to find the appropriate words to put your loss and grief into perspective because there are no words and only you can find your way through this double whammy of a journey without Veronica. I always think it's a bit like ignoring what the Satnav says and finding your own route. Don't get too uptight about other people's insensitivities - how can they really know what to say when there are no adequate words?
Going back to your wonderful talent which you share so readily on this site - have you considered becoming a 'friend' at a local nursing/residential home and talk to the folks in there about the outside world as poetically as you do here. Some of those folk may not have family, may never get out and even those whose memories have completely deserted them must surely find some joy in your description of the beauty of the unfolding seasons in Devon. Would it maybe give you some comfort that you would not only be giving some joy to others but also in a strange way be taking Veronica with you on those visits, as the love of the countryside is something you both shared. Just a thought, and maybe you are not ready for that yet, BUT when the time is right do find a way of sharing your amazing talent in whichever may you feel appropriate.
On another note, our cat is also called Millie. She is a bully with mice and the little birds but regularly gets chased by the crows and magpies. She came flying up the garden earlier with a crow in hot pursuit, dashed in meowing at me as if it were my fault and I just had to remind her that what goes around, comes around - there's always something that brings a smile, eh?
I take your point perhaps I am being a bit hard on people who mean well ,after all they only see what is on the outside they don’t see that you are crying on the inside . Perhaps when I am ready I will follow up your idea of going into a nursing home and talking but at the moment it’s all too close for comfort .
As yesterday was so lovely i spent the day tidying the garden, tears rolling down my cheeks! The patio we laid about six years ago, thought it would only take a day of our annual leave we were still at it a week later!
I was given what i thought was a very good way of explaining loss. We used to think it was various stages, but this person drew a large squiggle, that is your grief, then a circle around it, that is your life. In time the circle will get bigger ,squiggle smaller , but often that circle will just get smaller again and squiggle bigger! Hope this makes sense!
I did not think grief would be such a physical pain, you feel beaten up and spat out,i would not want Rog to be suffering anymore, but i crave the physical presence of the man i loved for over 45 years, yes i was a child bride!
My life is good, i am luckier than many, i smile at things i remember we got up to, i am fit and well,he would want me to enjoy life.
Off to the allotment today, they should be on the NHS!
Hi George, there is no getting better, only we learn to hide our grief better, we get use to feeling this way, the emptiness becomes part of our lives. Instead of kicking out at these people, hug them, because they have never lost anyone close, either because life has been kind, or they have never been lucky enough to have that special someone.
As to not wanting to "get" over the loss of Veronica, that is SO, SO, normal. I suspect it's one of the biggest challanges a counsellor has to deal with, when dealing with someone who is grieving.
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