I feel I am being too loud here.
I was asked to repost this reply as a stand alone.
Hope that's OK.
A little hubris? ouch!
The limbic system is the same as the endocrine/pituatary hormone system in my previous post.
"You are not alone on this care / guilt thing. Its fairly universal Though some of us feel it more deeply. It hammered at me for a while. Dreadful feeling. You must love your husband very deeply.
We are deeply 'programmed' to care for those we love who are vulnerable. This is rooted in the Limbic System (emotions and primitive drives etc) which is not subject to the reasoning mind. It is subject to other forms of learning though and so its responses are open to modification.
As we have progressed technologically and the extended family is, to a large degree, fractured in terms of group care and support, then care is thrust onto one or two individuals. That burden of care very often exceeds our limits and we are forced to resort to Nursing Homes.
The Limbic System does not 'understand reason' and so it is that many of us, including myself, feel guilt. Guilt is one of the limbic system's sticks it uses to try and correct us. It is trying to make us do the caring for the vulnerable loved one. This is a very deep drive within us. Functionally one might imagine that it's ancient role is to keep the 'group' viable and intact. This system of 'thought / behaviour' was there long before we developed a cortex with higher level thinking.
My solution for my guilt is to see Liz as often as I can and to do the most I can for her.
Most of the time my limbic system is assuaged by this. If it gives me too hard a time I sit and contemplate all of the good care and those caring for her as well as my visits to her. Gently push away any doubts or guilty thoughts and re-concentrate on the good care and love. It's like a lullaby to the limbic system. Gradually the guilt diminishes as that more primitive part of my brain learns that there is no issue.
(This is a third wave cognitive behavioural psychology approach)
That works for me, but we are all a little different.
I do hope this helps a little.
Just keep reminding yourself you have done what you can and that he is getting care you would not have been able to deliver."