Well here I go, into my triple whammy. Birthday tomorrow, first Christmas, then the anniversary of Steve dying. Thank goodness for my family. I have been working hard to keep busy, knowing it's the build up to these days and the thought of them, that's actually worse than the days themselves. Was doing really well, but yesterday was "slightly" overwhelming. It's crazy, I was getting upset over the stupidest of things. Doing the last minute shopping - Steve never got involved! wrapping the presents, fat chance! The only thing he ever did, was turn up and open the wine! But oh, I miss him so much.
My heart goes out to each and everyone of you, still struggling with PSP and especially those who have recently lost their loved ones. Also everyone that was on the same time journey as me and Steve, who lost their loved ones around the same time, you know who you are! I send a hug to you all. This year has been hard and very lonely at times. I have survived and I know life will start to improve for me. Basically, this survival is thanks to you all. Without the continuing support and love I get from you, I would not be where I am. The words "THANK YOU!" Just doesn't seem enough, it does not even get close to the gratitude I feel towards everyone. One group of people I would especially like to thank, is the staff at Healthunlocked, who run this site. The inventor should be put up for a Nobel prize.
I really hope everyone has a good and very peaceful Christmas. The New Year, it will be what it will be. Never forget to get plenty of rest, ask for help and most of all "ditch the guilt!"
Lots of love
Anne
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Heady
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Bless you Anne, you are a truly amazing lady that I’ve always been utterly grateful too! Your help, support and advice over the past 2 years has been simply incredible! So thank you darling!! Your sure gonna need some strength over the coming days! I hope you’ll be raising a glass or two for your birthday 💕 x
Anne that is a lot to cope with so close together. I think you are much braver than you think you are though. We are all entitled to a cry. I have had a few tears this week. I have only one present wrapped! Still have the entire house to vacuum and a bed to change!! Oh forgot...I managed to spill cough mixture on the carpet so need to steam that off. Assuming it will come off?! Bet you are more organised than that? My son will go to bits if everything is not sorted, and my daughter will put her nose in the air and ask me what I've been doing! So I suppose I had better wrap some more presents and do the carpet tomorrow?
I have to say G used to wrap the presents and cook the Christmas Dinner too, and I did the cleaning and Xmas decorations. So I miss him practically as well as for company. Last year I had to wrap the presents but we went out for a meal. This year it is back to slaving over a hot oven! Is it worth all this?!!
First of all Happy Birthday for tomorrow. Secondly Happy Christmas as far as it's possible. Nothing I can say about Steve that will help. Apart from the fact you did all you could. Nothing anyone can ask for except for that? We will get through it Anne. We have come this far? We just have to plough on?
Anne it’s early days for me but the guilt just isn’t going away at this moment. Should I have done this .... should I have done that .... I really cannot get some images of my hubby from my mind despite the care from family. No good time to lose your loved one but christmas just seems to make it that/ bit it harder. I wish you a very peaceful Christmas. Jxx
J we all go through that. I still have days when I beat myself up but they are becoming less. I know for sure he didn't want to live the way he was. I did my best, imperfect as it may have been. You did too, and so did everyone on here.
Enjoy your day. Make sure you do with understanding friends and a glass!
Happy Christmas too! Ditto.
I find anniversary of death different. A time of peaceful reflection, probably alone, of what was achieved together, the happy times and the bond that comes with adversity. A time for me to look at what has been achieved alone too, and where I go from there.
It does get easier, Anne, but 'firsts' tend to be a watershed event!
Will be thinking of you on these your first times!
Anne, this time of the year is difficult for all of us who have lost our loves. January 21 will be a very difficult day for me, the day Don died. I am considering staying in bed and just hiding. I am so trying to stay strong but it is not easy.Take care Anne, we will get through this one way or another,
Anne happy birthday for tomorrow, you will get through this just fine, you are an amazing lady, I would off given up without you all. Anne you were always there for us all, and we will always be there for you, merry Christmas to you all will raise my glass to you Anne tomorrow for your birthday 🍰. I would like to thank you for all your good advice. Steve will be with you at Christmas. This year has gone so quick. Sending you a big hug. Merry Christmas. Yvonne xxxx
Steve will be there, he'll be wishing u happy times in the flicker of your birthday and Christmas candles. I hope the next few days arent too tough and the new year brings you joy xx
Happy birthday Anne. I think we all miss them even more at Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries. Like Steve, Derek never did any Christmas shopping, wrapping, decorations or cooking so doing all those myself is no different! But he was there. Hope you have a peaceful couple of days with family and friends.
Hi Anne, I’ve been thinking of you and the anniversaries you are facing at the moment. I hope you manage to have a really wonderful time with your family, remembering the good times.
With other bereavements I have also found up the build up is worst than the actual date but that doesn't mean the anniversary etc passes by without pain, it is still awful.
You have helped so many of us on here with your experiences and words of advice from how you and Steve travelled the journey. Thank you.
Thinking of you as you face your triple Shammy - it is such a lot to deal with in one go- but I suppose does get it all over and like ripping of a plaster slowly or quickly ...... hurts whichever way!
Thank you for all your support over this year whilst you had so much to deal with yourself you have still been there for everyone else.
Merry Christmas Heady, my love. It does get a bit easier each passing year. This will be my second Christmas without my Kim. I just try to reflect on healthier and happier times, even though it’s easy for the o’ brain to bring back memories of those final days. May God bless you and keep you in His loving arms.
Hi Anne, I hope you have a nice Birthday day, I've been thinking of you, and of course everyone on this site, Christmas is going to be tough. I don't mind anyone saying 'Merry' Christmas to me, that means I can have a a tipple too many, but don't like anyone saying Happy Christmas. Very close to tears most of the time, and trying to avoid Christmas music!
Anne,I understand every word you said.Most especially “ditch the guilt”.I keep dwelling on all the times I was impatient and even critical of Don during his last years on earth.I kept thinking-this is not the real Don,why can’t you be the real Don?
I too am thankful for HealthUnlocked.Those of us who have lost their loved ones,and those who have not.we all all on the same ride together and none of us will ever be the same as we once were. I truly wish a Merry Christmas to all! Janet
They say the first is always the hardest. I don't know because this is the first Christmas without dad. Christmas has always been hard for mom. She lost her mom Dec 23 1956 then her dad 10 years later on Dec 22. Now tomorrow I'll be taking her to the cemetery. It's hard to see her be so lonely. Although she is very brave and tries to not let the loneliness show. Hugs and prayers for you. I know you have been a tremendous support to a lot of people on here. You have great advise. I hope you find comfort knowing that. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year despite it all.
Thank You! I’m a member of healthunlocked, through the MSA site. And I read a lot of the PSP posts, because you lot are amazing. The love and support you all give is just... beyond words, and I have felt supported by it. Heady, you summed up my feelings. Though Billy died on the 22nd, last year, this is my first Christmas without him. Last years went in a blur, and just didn’t happen. I live in Ireland, and funerals take place normally within 3 days. I managed to string it out to 5, and we buried him on 27th.
On Friday we went to the cemetery and played his song, and let off balloons as we did at his funeral. And the day was ok, as you said, it was the day before that was hard, the anticipation of how it might be. The smallest things
So thank you all. I know several of you have lost your loved ones in the past few weeks, and I’ve cried with you all. I know many of you have it to come, possibly sooner than you’d like. My support is there for you all too. I only wish the MSA site had what you all have. They don’t know what they’re missing.
I wish you all everything I’d wish for myself. So have a happy Christmas, your loved ones would want you too. Billy will be looking down on me, and telling me to go have that drink, laugh out loud, dance all day. I can hear him saying, “for feck sake, enjoy your life”. (That’s the Irish way of swearing, without swearing) . So yes Heady, I’m with you. Crazy, overwhemed, lonely, and surviving, but once again, THANKYOU.
Happy birthday for tomorrow and my very fondest wishes for a lovely Christmas to you and your family.
I really can commiserate. It was my birthday on December 10th, and 1 week later on the 17th would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. I so wanted us to make it to double digits but alas it was not to be. Jonathan was the one who always bought me gifts and cards. He loved to show me that he loved me in so many ways. New Year's is also a tough one with so many memories. And I don't know how I will be able to leave the last year that I still had him with me. I find myself crying again at unexpected times. So so tough at this time of the year. Just when I thought I had this grief thing sorted, along its come to kick my butt.
My heart is with you. There is nothing to do but move through it. And think of our lovely husbands and how much we loved them.
I do like Kevin's idea of lighting a candle on Christmas Day for all of us. I will definitely be doing the same. If more of us would do that, I think the idea of all those candles burning in love and solidarity all over the world will bring me much comfort and cheer.
Anne. For heavens sake! You have been here for all of us! I remember when the post came that Steve had died! I cried and cried for you. My Bill has been gone a year and a half. I could not do Christmas so used his money and took all of us on a cruise. All 16. Our 50 th was just before he died and he wanted to do something big so I did! This Christmas they are coming here again. But I am a bit better. Take care of yourselves. Someone said to me........ things will NEVER be the same because he is not here. So no sense trying to make them still the same! So we are not. Take care my dear. And reach up to steve often. He will take your hand.
I wish you well Anne, in being with whatever feelings arise for you today and over the next few days. You are so well loved on this forum, I hope that will help sustain you. I love the candle idea from Kevin and will join with you in remembrance of all our lost loved ones.
It is my first Christmas since my husband Peter died in May. It has been a bit of a battle to convince family and friends that I do really want to be on my own, not joining in enforced jollity and family celebrations. I may feel differently next year, but for now it feels liberating being free of those expectations from others. I can weep when I wish, I can visit his grave, I can recall happier times past - and go for a long walk with my joyful young black labrador.
One dear friend sent me these words in a card: "Speak quietly to yourself and promise there will be better days. Whisper gently to yourself and provide assurance that you really are extending your best effort. Console your bruised and tender spirit with reminders of many other successes. Offer comfort in practical and tangible ways - as if encouraging your dearest friend. Recognise that on certain days the greatest grace is that the day is over and you get to close your eyes, Tomorrow comes more brightly."
I miss my Peter so so deeply, but I am glad he is free from the ravages of these illnesses. I wish everyone the strength to be alongside their loved ones at whatever stage of their journeys they are.
I love what you have written Fiona and your way of dealing with things echos mine . Quiet contemplation suits me best being left alone I find easiest rather than being forced into company however well meaning the intentions .
Phew Anne that was one full blown post and happy birthday . Is it Christmas ? I have pretty much managed to bury my head in the sand .Got caught once when Silent Night came on the radio and I couldn’t crutch vault across the cat fast enough to turn it off so was reduced to a blubbering wreck .I seem to have a lot of unopened post , anything marginally stiff and squarish is put aside . I am expecting a visit from Marley’’ s ghost any night soon ! As I am still fairly housebound I have not been assailed by the sight of too many decorations . In my local shop I feign blindness and demand assistance , they are fairly used to my eccentricities now and pack my knapsack and point me in the homeward direction with comforting words like “have a loverly er er soon be over George”
Well you just have to cope best you can don’t you - no right way no wrong way - just your way .
I am in bed at the moment in my cottage in Lyme Regis ,It is still dark and I am listening to the waves crashing on the beach and they a strangely comforting as they have been doing this forever and will go on just the same long after I have gone .It kind of puts life in perspective .
Thinking of you all , carers and cared for alike and those who like me have lost our partners .May 2018 be better than2017
Only just got to reading the posts for three days as the family arrived Saturday morning and has been full on. I hope that survived Christmas Nd all the other difficult days a year on. Did you manage to enjoy your birthday and Christmas despite all the raw memories, as you say thank goodness for your family and this site. Sending warm wishes and you will be in my thoughts Anne.
Hello Anne. My thoughts are with you. These anniversary days are difficult, it's 3 years since hubby died and they are still difficult (birthday, death anniversary, wedding anniversary ). However, there is a whole year between these dates and these days get better as time goes on. Enjoy those and have a good cry with the others. Lots of hugs, Maddy
a Hearty ABSOLUTELY to those words Heady! And you know what Thank you for thanking the staff and the creator of Healthunlocked....Nobel Prize indeed! I have really slipped emotionally the last few weeks. All the posts have been so encouraging and such a good ...hard but good reminder of how to get over or out of our pain and loneliness.
I hope you are having or had a wonderful holiday even despite the triple whammy....you go girl....
Hi Andrea, thank you, I did have a lovely holiday. It was great to have some warm sun on my back. England is so grey and miserable at the moment. Did me a power of good. Got through the triple whammy in one piece. The actual day, never is as bad as you expect it to be. Kept very busy and had a good time. Took Kevin's advice and lit the Christmas candle on the table, in Steve's memory. It seemed the perfect thing to do.
These down turns in your emotions, are normal. I find after each one, I come up stronger than before. Whilst they seem to get more painful, in reality, you are allowing yourself to relax and accept the pain, more readily.
Let's hope 2018 will bring some joy into our lives.
I am glad your experiences ranged from warm memories alit by a candle to blissful new memories alit by the sun! I appreciate your wisdom...and do look forward to being stronger.
I'm not sure my recent downturn was really triggered by B's memories but more the social anxieties brought on by working that piddly little job I thought I could handle. So accepting grief....my new priority. Believing in myself, another priority...(so stupid and maybe it's just a bad excuse to do nothing) but I fear I can't successfully meet other peoples standards.....weird but there I said it....hahaha!
"2018 was a good year because...." fill in the blank in about 11 months
I totally understand this feeling of feeling stupid and unworthy. I thought it was just me. The fact you are saying exactly the same, it's obviously another part of this evil grieving process. I think it's safe to say, any negative thoughts is grief talking, not us going mental.
One day Andrea, we will exhaust all these stages, but until then, we have to accept, we loved our men and aren't going to recover overnight!
I wonder if it is part of adjusting to being a single ?
I have always been independent and Chris and I were not " glued" to each other. I now realise how much I was fortified by the knowledge that whatever happened Chris was with me 100%. Now I am aware of feeling alone and more vulnerable.
Not looking forward to next year !!
I'm so glad that I do not have to go back to work, Andrea. That must be hard.
That's the bit I struggle with, relying on myself. But there again. Steve had to rely on me. Don't think I let him down, don't think you let Bruce down either, so perhaps we will survive!
None of us do, Jean. Keep trying to say how strong I am, but post Christmas Blues getting in the way, at the moment. Perhaps when this storm passes over, things will look a bit brighter.
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