Mixed Day

Hi, today been absolutely great, but spent half of it crying.

My box on wheels has gone! Good riddance to it and everything it stood for. It was cold, noisy but it did enabled me to take Steve out and about.

For the first time, I have bought a car I have fancied for ages. Picked it up this morning. Spent the journey to collect it, sobbing, it was the final obvious object left to remind me of the long, long road Steve had been on. A very bitter, sweet moment. Now hopefully, I will be able to start thinking about him as he was. That has yet to happen, but I am starting to talk to him, so I must be moving forward.

So yes, a very mixed day, cock-a-hoop about my lovely new car, but a sad farewell to a vehicle that made Steve's final six months a lot more managable.

Big groups ((((hugs))))

Lots of love


69 Replies

  • Heady on wheels -good stuff girl you go for it -you are doing well .

  • Thanks George!

    Lots of love


  • Sending love, you are giving me strength on my journey, enjoy your new car, new journey, xxxx

  • Never thought of it that way, but yes you are right. This is is my journey now. I decide the rules and the path to go down. Right or wrong, that will be my decision.

    Lots of love


  • Oh, Heady, I so admire how you soldier on, carrying your grief but not letting it crush you, and not going into denial about it either: feeling it, expressing it and coping with it all at once. You are a very courageous and stalwart person, and I'd love to be just like you when I grow up. (I am older than you; I think I missed my chance....but ANYway.)

    Love and hugs and total respect, Ec

  • EC, you are doing just as well, if not better than I ever did. AND you know it!!!

    Thank you for describing me as a stalwart person, Steve always called me that, long before PSP took over our lives.

    By the way, it's never too late to grow up, personally, I want to grow back down again. Sick of being in this grown up world, that I have been in for far too long!

    Lots of love


  • AMen

  • Hi Heady, you're doing so well, just buying a new car is a mammoth step. The road ahead is long but you're on the right one. Just enjoy the new car. Steve will always be with you and the 'teary' days will get less. Love jingles x

  • Yes Steve is still with me, I can hear him screaming "HOW MUCH????"

    Lots of love


  • oh, ha!

  • Heady, you always make me laugh! Despite all that life has thrown at you. Its a great gift. Thanks for bringing a smile to my tired, weary face. Good luck with your new car, may it bring you great pleasure. X

  • Hugs Heady hugs!!

    You are doing amazingly well and I'm very proud of you!! Enjoy the new wheels.

    More hugs x 💋

  • Thanks Satt. How are you? Been very quiet recently.

    Lots of love


  • Lol heady, I've just written a post on blocked bowels!

    TBH I'm just fed up with everything which is obviously quite normal!

    I HATE Psp with a vengeance it's a bloody evil disease that no one deserves!! It has and is stealing my dad away from me and my mums husband away from her! So bloody cruel when you think back to how they were! I'm not that religious but dear lord I pray for a peaceful passing soon because this is all bloody ridiculous!!

    Bet your pleased you asked now Heady lol

    💋 x

  • Always nice to hear from you Amanda! You know I will always have time to listen to you, no matter what.

    Lots of love


  • Bless you heady! You really are an absolute darling!! X





  • Hi Jill, yes I am doing OK. Still feel totally numb and relieved Steve is now at peace. Life wasn't much fun at the end. Trying to keep busy. Just been to a coffee morning for Cruise. Not really my scene, but I will keep going for a while. Never know who you might meet.

    Lots of love


  • Freedom! You now have freedom to drive where you want and not have to clock watch, and in a nice new car. There will still be tears but fewer every week and hopefully not when you are driving.

    Sending you a great big hug.



  • Learnt a long time ago, how to drive whilst crying! Not to be recommended, but sometimes necessary.

    Still haven't got use to not clock watching.

    Hugs back!

    Lots of love


  • I play music very loud and maybe howl along instead of crying while driving. It's very cathartic.

  • I do the very same...It is indeed very cathartic

  • i agree mann aB

    lol jill





  • Love to you Jill.

    ❤ XxxX

  • Well done !

    I know you will continue the journey. I remember you describing how much you changed as you fought for Steve. Well now you will benefit from the changes.

    Recapture the memories of your times together. . . .

    Love from Jean xx

  • You are right Jean, the old Anne would never have coped with life on my own. But then I never thought I could have done a fraction of what I managed for Steve. How sad, we all live under a shell, only a few ever achieving their full potential. Still the cost.... I would rather have stayed where I was.

    Lots of love


  • Must be less painful ways to grow !!!!

    Love Jean xx

  • Agreed!

  • A little step for some, but a big step for us as we recover our individuality, something we forgot about when we married!

    Hang in there, Heady! You are doing so well.

    We have to keep our head above the 'blankets' and find out about that new life on our own. Go out in your new car and enjoy!


    Jen xxx

  • Oh good for you! I really am happy to see you taking steps toward a positive future. Proud of you!

  • One step at a time. Good to know there is hope beyond PSP! Thank you for posting!


  • good on yer heady thats my girl,, your doing just fine mate stan would hsve been proud of you I know see n yer mate take care wont you peter jones queensland Australia psp bloke

  • Thanks Peter.

    Lots of love





  • Oh Heady,you are an inspiration to me. Well done enjoy your freedom from that horrible PSP. I feel so blessed to have such loving and supportive people(who I think of family). Hubby is recovering from his broken ribs. He fell down the stairs 2 weeks ago and spent 4 days in hospital. Thank God he is doing well and I have a longer sleep at nights. Reading all the ups and downs of your experiences and how you all cope gives me the strength to just to take one day at a time. Thank you all very much. Group hugs and much love. Teeker xx

  • Broken ribs, nasty! Make sure he does his deep breathing exercises, I know it will hurt, but it helps stop any chest infections. Glad you can sleep longer now. I wish I knew how. Still suffering from years of none and my brain whirling at 100 mph, as soon as my head hits the pillow.

    Lots of love


  • Well done Anne, another hurdle you have cleared and made you the stronger for it. It's amazing how you pull all the stops out when you have no other choice, it's that or just crumble. The PSP journey doesn't really allow for that, even if you think you are falling apart there is always a little bit in reserve and you wonder where it comes from. Enjoy the new car 🚗 and freedom, are you going to let on what it is?

    Take care and happy motoring.

    Love Kate xxx

  • Nissan Juke! Didn't want to advertise.

    I don't know if it's always having some little bit of extra strength hidden, or just that another crisis hits and off you go, regardless! But keep on, we all do. Never forget that, in the dark moments.

    Lots of love


  • A hearty looking sport car.... Automatic or standard 6 cylinder or 4?

  • It's automatic, don't understand the rest of the question, it has four wheels, is black, has a wonderful birds eye view of the whole car, when reversing. Oh and the sun visor has a mirror. Is there anything else I should know?????

    Lots of love


  • 6 cylinder has a little more oomph. Eats up a bit more gas...not necessary unless you're trying get there faster or half your trip is uphill! Lol

  • Anne so happy you have the car 🚗 you wanted, made me smile when you said Steve would say how much !!!!! Could just imagine George saying the same. Enjoy you car and move forward in your own time, sending you a big hug. Yvonne xxx.

  • Steve's attitude always was, I can have anything I want, as long as it doesn't cost!

    How are you and George?

    Lots of love


  • Heady we are ok, George coughing so much, still going to the centre, says he is going to build an extension in the garden, he really thinks he can do it, really sad, I asked him how much it will cost, he said 3000 pounds!!!!! Heady hope you are ok, you should be going skiing soon xxxxxx

  • Heady, you are not alone crying. I spend the day crying as well and calling for him. I talk to him but it has been only 5 days and I can't seem to get my head around anything or anything done that has to be done, He wold be upset with me since I was always strong but now that is gone, Our tears are mingling, yours and mine,

    Lots of love back, hugs as well


  • Hi Audrey, as long as your husband is OK, then you have done all you need to. NOTHING needs to be done in a hurry. I have done very little regarding his affairs. Except tell the important people and they are doing their bit. If you need to cry, CRY. If you need to laugh, LAUGH. This is the only time in your life, you can do exactly what you want and everyone encourages it, is helpful and supportive. Makes me cross occassionally, thinking where were you, when I needed you a few months, or even years ago!!!

    Audrey, this is the time to just accept the day as it comes. The worst has happened, nothing can make you feel worse than you do now. So try and fill your days, accept any invitation. If you don't, they will stop coming, so when YOU feel ready, they might not be there.

    Lots of love


  • So true

  • Well done on the new car. Glad it's one that you wanted rather then one that is needed. Enjoy the freedom of the open road. Jane xx

  • Go girl. Enjoy the new car great analogy - your new journey, i am sure it will be tough at times but after PSP you are equipped to deal.with anything life throws at you. Look after yourself and sing in your new car.

    Love and hugs


  • X

  • Lovely news! Good on you Heady X

  • Well done Heady! Just one of those big steps forward we have to take when this is all over.

    What colour are your new wheels?

    Lots of love


  • Black. It was the last colour I wanted, but felll in love as soon as I saw it!

    Lots of love


  • Well done Heady, I hope you start your new journey in the car and life with success.

    I have a dream of getting rid of the box but mother in law has asked me to keep it for summer as she liked the freedom it gave her at the funeral and I can't say no to M's mum. So I have it still, only advantage is I can wheel the garden rubbish in the wheel barrow in and out at the recycling site. Yes doing some winter gardening setting up the neglected area not touched in 3 yrs.

    Good luck Tim

  • Yes, I will miss that bit. Was always loading the box up with some rubbish for the tip. Never thought to do another run before I got rid of it. No way is any crap going in my Black Beast! Though I expect the dog will soon cover it in muddy paws.

    Enjoy your gardening.

    Lots of love


  • Lets have a picture of Anne and her new car!

  • If someone can explain how NOT to have it upside down, I will get one taken!

    Lots of love


  • 'The long and winding road...." thats what popped into my head when I read your post. You will remember hiim as he 'was' it will take time.

    I am so happy you are starting to move on, talking to him and letting him go is a gift for Steve. I believe after one dies, they are always with us, they see us and give us signs letting us know it's OK. These signs happen when we are ready to accept.

    Take a nice long drive somewhere beautiful, somewhere yo and Steve enjoyed. He would be proud that you bought the car you wanted...it is a well deserved gift.

    Sending you love and strength


  • Nothing says "freedom" more than a new set of wheels (:

  • The cost was far to great. But I will try and prove to myself, that I can go on. PSP won't take me as well!

    Lots of love


  • No Anne, the cost was not far to great! It is only money? The cost of PSP on the other hand really is far too great!

    Enjoy the new car. You deserve to be happy.

    Marie x

  • I meant PSP.

    Lots of love


  • Hi Heady. Very big hug from me. You are doing well, soon PSP will move to the back and the happy pre PSP memories to the front. The end of that tunnel will finally be reached. More hugs, Maddy x

  • Glad you are happy with your new car , its a lovely feeling and something else to think about. I love my car and will keep it when my husband is no longer able to get in it ,he has enjoyed the car also .He had to give up driving last year , when he was told he had psp .my daughter pj.started me on this site , and I lookforward to reading the posts each day , I have learned a lot from you and everyone who sends the re post in .please continue to help us as we are going to need somone like you. thank you heady.xx

  • Hugs to you Heady




  • Aw Heady, Emotional day, mixed emotions all around. But you are our beacon of light. Dear one!


  • As always you are an inspiration, as you go forward, even through the tears, you plunge ahead because it's what you have to do and because you're a strong intelligent caring woman! I hope your new car carries you to places you'll make many happy new memories!! ~Sheila

  • Enjoy and safe motoring in your new car. Lots of love Nanny857xx

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