Yesterday it was Fred's funeral, I said goodbye to the man I'd spent more than half my life with, I had wondered how I would get through the day, but although I did shed a few tears I was relatively dry eyed, maybe I'd already done most of my crying. Unfortunately our vicar was rushed into hospital Sunday, our undertakers had gone to great lengths Sunday evening to get a replacement, sadly tho the tribute wasn't quite how I would have liked, unfortunately that's life tho, it doesn't always go to plan.
I am hoping now that the horrors of the last few years with PSP will gradually fade and I will start to remember the happier times again, during the PSP years I have really been having trouble remembering that I used to be happy, although I know I was! So maybe now the good memories will come back and the awfull ones will fade.
In the last 18 months I have lost my lovely Dad, Dear Mum and gorgeous husband, I thought it was a lot to cope with looking after them, now it's a lot to cope with having lost them all.
I must now thank everyone here for their support, I very much feel like I have taken more than I have given, I joined the site just over a year ago, and without a doubt received more support and knowledge here than from ANY professionals, and I feel like I have made some wonderful friends. This site I so addictive, I will still read the posts from my wonderful friends, hopefully now and again I can give some advice, but hopefully you won't have to put up with me ranting and wingeing. Without you I think I would have gone over the edge.
Lots of Love
Debbie xxxx
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Debbieann
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
I'm not sure when we need the most strength, but just maybe, for you, its now.
So head up and tell yourself that today is a new day and the beginning of a new journey. There will be tough times ahead, but you have us here, and hopefully your new journey will also be blessed.
Lots of Love
Pam
Dear Debbie,
You are a warrior! God Bless you and yours at this very trying time and may beautiful memories of your cherished parents and husband bring you peace.
A new chapter begins Debbie. My thoughts and prayers are with. There can be good times ahead, when you are ready, and if they don't come to you, get out there and find them. We all know life is short, shorter for some so we can't waste it. Take a little time to grieve but don't shut yourself away. I have a little cry most mornings and then get on with doing good stuff.
Sending you a great big hug and hope you soon find life is good.
Youa re right, at times life does not go as planned, but we do the best we can with what we have. Life is a beautiful thing, I believe the key to happiness is to appreciate it. Appreciate the little gifts so when we are faced with adversity, we can remember those little things that made us so very happy.
I am happy that Fred is free from PSP. In time you will remember Fred for what he was before PSP, it will take some time but it will come naturally.
Debbie you are in my thoughts, now the funeral is over, like Bev says life is short, do your grieving, but keep in touch with friends and try and enjoy your life, I am sure that Fred would want you to!!!!
Could meet you Debbie if you like?
You have lived through this horrible illness and now you can try and forget what a bloody horrible illness PSP is.
Its so true that after being overwhelmed by events and feelings, when they are gone we are left feeling empty and lost.
As so many have said, give yourself time to allow the feelings but make sure you taste life again. I'm sure you feel drained. Look after yourself and keep in touch with us who are still struggling and will definitely need your support when we rant and winge !!!
Remember your ranting helped us all to feel "normal". Its the only way to keep going really.
Oh Debbie, what a dreadful time you have had. The beauty of this site is that you are among friends and can share the frustration, grief and yes, sometimes the nice things. Be kind to yourself and as NannaB says, keep busy. God bless and may your days be filled with happy memories. Big hug. X
Hi Debbie, I know what you mean about struggling to remember to the good times. Steve has yet to come back to me, as he was, in my memories. I have this huge numb area of my brain, that can't remember. Perhaps that for a very good reason, to get us through this horrible part of our lives. No doubt, when we are ready, the memories will come flooding back. Having had counselling only a couple of weeks before Steve died, all this is perfectly normal, the natural part of grief that we will get through. Now the really s####y bit starts, the paper work! Bonfire comes to mind!!!
I will lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou Lord only make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8
To Debbie:
Evening and morning and at noon I will pray (and have prayed), and cry aloud, and he shall hear my voice. He has delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many with me (that'd be this family here)* Psalm 55:17,18
Thou has made known to me the ways of life; thou shall make me full of joy with thy countenance, Lord*. Acts 2:28
Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing. that you may abound in hope (of the future and continued hope in Christ)* through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
Dear Debbie
I wrote some scripture that I hope you find a comfort . Words in parenthisis and or asterisked are my words....
I pray that as you go into the other phase of your life, that you grow in joy and peace . That you find things that YOU LIKE doing and get to do them. You took care of your man and now it's time to take care of you. Write us when you can.
Dear Debbie, I'm pleased you managed to get through yesterday with dignity, as you say things don't always go to plan and often are out of control but at the end of of the day you just have to accept things and get on as best you can. You have certainly had your fill of sadness over the last couple of years so I hope that you manage to pick up the pieces and start to enjoy life again once you are good and ready. I'm sure the good memories will return in time. I wish you all good things in life and please keep adding the odd posts to support us that are on this awful journey.
Dear Debbie, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You have endured so so much this past 18 months. I wish you happiness and joy as you set out in a new chapter of your life, after you have given yourself time to grieve in your own way and in your own time. Please keep us posted on how you are doing and also advise us when you can. Sending you lots of love and a big hug. Nanny857xx
I may be criticised for saying this but in some ways I envy you the end of this horrific journey, for you both. No comfort in your loss I know but now get rest and peace and reconnect with those around you,
I can't imagine anyone being envious of me right now! But I understand what you are saying, Fred and myself have both been spared the rest of the consequences of the PSP, they said in the hospital the PSP had progressed to the next stage, he would have to have been tube fed, probably needed a permanent catheter, his eyesight was already almost lost, he would have lost what little had remained of his independence, it wouldn't have been easy for either of us and he would have hated it.
But we'd done the Christmas shopping together, albeit he was in the wheelchair, we'd been out and shared a bottle of wine on 23rd Dec, although his was thickened, we were still going to our holiday home in Hastings, so right now I am having trouble seeing things from that point of view.
Hi Julie, please don't think you are wrong in your thoughts. I can now say this, I use to hate hearing someone had passed. I was so, so jealous. To think that this hateful, hateful situation had finished. Well you know what I mean....
I am sorry, but I still don't how to help you, except, yes I felt exactly the same, I am sure Debbie felt the same as well.
That's not wrong! We all know which way this illness is taking our loved ones. Every single one of us hates what our loved ones are going through and wish different, for us as well as them.
All I can say is, love your husband today, cuddle him, be nice occassionally, (don't want to give him the wrong idea!) just be as normal as you can, shouting, screaming, loving, whatever! Be you Julie, that's all Roger wants.
Dear Debbie, now that the funeral is over allow yourself some time to grieve. I don't think it matters if it takes you a while to be ready to do more. In the first few weeks I didn't feel as if I wanted to do all the things I had been unable to do, but gradually am managing more. I have just got back from a trip to see family and friends in Devon and have a few more things in the diary now. I think you still need the quiet sad times to be able to process what you have been through and therefore be ready to move on.
Huge hugs Debbie xxxx you're obviously a strong woman and I'm sorry to hear of all your loss. You will be happy again and you'll always have your memories xx take care lovely
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