As I sit here at 2 am, with dad, S., and Gracie fast asleep, have read everybodies post about recently losing your loved ones, I cry for all of you. After caring for my mother many years ago, and sitting by her side as she slowly, painfully passed away, I can feel some of your pain. No, she didn't have PSP, but it painful none the less. However, the upcoming challenges that my sister and I face scares me beyond words. I sit here and the tears won't stop. Only now, I sejfishly weep for me as I contemplate the ugly truths of dealing with financial issues both now and the future. Of dealing with S's hareful and violent temperment, of the endless, nasty bodily excretions, the choking and coughing and the list goes on and on. Of the additional worries about my dad's gradual but inevitable end, i sit here and wallow in self pity and utter fear and cry that none is here for me. Right now, I don't know if I can do this for much longer. I tell myself over and over that I can and I will do this,, but right now, this second, I just don't know.
I'm sorry for dumping this on you, but I don't know what to do. I need y'all for your endless support and wisdom, but it depresses me so much. Daily, I live with the additional trials of being bi-polar. Sure, there are times when I am manic and take care of a lot of things, but I don't have many of these and they can be quite dangerous as much as the depression. I'm sorry for dumping this on you. But, I sit here and cry.
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Gracie_Girl
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Oh Gracie girl, I too was up at 2.00am, didn't really sleep all night. Feel completely washed out this morning. S off to respite in an hour, so perhaps I can catch up with a few zzzz'z then!
At 2 in the morning, you are allowed to wallow in as much self pity as it is safe to do so. I wanted to shout and scream from the roof tops, but thought it wise not to, neighbours get a bit funny around here!!!
What can we do? Only what we are, if you wake up, then you have to carry on, no choice in the matter. We both know this will end one day and then will wish it back in a heart beat.
This must be especially hard, coping with Bi-polar as well. Just make sure you keep taking your meds and get as much help as possible.
Dear Becky. I am so very sorry you are suffering so. You are doing more than most folks could imagine possible. Heck, I can barely cope with just my one charge and he is good tempered, although increasingly has demented episodes, so I have some clue about your difficulties. You need help. You can't carry on like this. I know bad advice is worse than none, so right now I won't try. I will only say I hear you, and hope somehow today is better.
Never think you need to apologize for anything said here. We all feel up and down daily and minute by minute. We all understand. I think crying is very good for a person. It's a release of sorts. You have a lot on your plate, and feeling the way you do is expected. You can do this because you love your sister and your dad, but I don't think any of us can do this without help of some sort. And you need to take care of yourself too. If you are in a place where you can't care for yourself, you won't be able to care for the ones you love. Like Heady says, make sure you take your medication. I don't know what type of help is available for you, but i pray that you will be able to find someone/agency that will be able help.
Just know, you don't cry alone. We cry with each other, and we laugh with each other, and we share with each other. We're a family and we feel each other's pain, and happiness. You'll be in my prayers.
Oh Gg I know those two am tears so well....and I say I cannot go on and in the morning after 4 hours of sleep (hopefully) I get up and do it again! You know that we really really do all go through this together. If you could all put us in one huge room with our loved ones...we'd all be doing the same exact thing , some of us in choreography with each other; it looked like a Broadway play depicting the lives and trials of PSP! Half of us would be crying , the other half working on that moments disaster!
I am not bi-polar...but I can get pretty down....Please take your meds as needed , exercise , eat, sleep...If you don't, these 2 am cry fests are not going away....that is to say Take Care Of Yourself, Gg.....we are hear for you, darlin.....
Oh lovely, its just rubbish isn't it !!! If it helps i cry too mainly in the shower where no one can hear me and I am no longer caring for dad full time, so I think you have a right to cry and feel as you do. You have an awful lot to deal with but you are doing so well not only with coping with your sister and father but your own health too. Take time out when you can and please look after your own health. Take care lots of love xx
Thank you everybody for your kind comments and well wishes. It's Tuesday, early evening, and I can gladly say I'm ok. I am seeing a therapist and saw him yesterday morning. And I cried a few more times. I know it helps to let go and have a good cry, but I have such a hard time of letting my strong side down. Anyway, my doc and I had an extra long session (instead of 45 min)that extended to an hour and a half. And he didn't charge me extra either. I showed him what I wrote and all of your replies. I've talked about y'all in past sessions and I really don't think he quite understood how helpful and knowledgable you all are. He's been concerned about my sadly lacking support system, but after reading your posts ge kiddingly said what do I need him for. Lol! He was very impressed with your kind words and tremendous empathy. So, you all get honorary psychology degrees!
So, I'm back on track and I actually managed to get a couple more hours of sleep, more than I usually do.
I thank you all very much for pulling me through a dark moment.
As for pulling you through a dark moment, that's what we are all here for, it helps ease the pain, by helping another in need as much as it does getting the good advice and support from everyone. Remember, we are in this together. It's the only way we will get through.
Keep seeing your therapist, he is obviously very good, you sound a lot better. I started with a music therapist last week, now signed off sick for several weeks! Do you think it was something I said!
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