So sad to be writing this - far too soon it seems.
In the early hours of December 1st, I had to let go of my husband's hand and accept that he was no longer breathing and there was no more I could do to make him feel my love.
Four weeks in hospital, numerous conversations with doctors about his "Do not attempt CPR" instructions, and his wishes as recorded in his "Lasting power of attorney" document - still I didn't feel ready for him to slip away from me.
Minutes before I had been singing along to James Taylor on the smart speaker "🎶 close your eyes - you can close your eyes - it's alright 🎶".
The next track was Rag & Bone Man's "🎶 talking to myself 🎶" and I slowly realised my partner over 25 years had closed his eyes - and I was indeed talking to myself.
A couple of hours later, after the doctor had come to our house to certify the death, I found his grandson's little polar bear. My husband had been holding it tightly in his hand for the last several days - but now Poley was sitting on the window sill, behind the curtain, looking quite forlorn. Presumably I had left him there while I opened the window.
As I took the picture I felt just as lost as little Poley.
I don't know what to do now - but I promised my husband I would be alright and that we would all look after each other so he didn't need to worry about us. He trusted that promise enough to let go - and now I need to be a big girl, pick up the pieces and keep my promise. Still - big girls do cry.
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Bergenser
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. Be gentle on yourself as you start to navigate this new path in life. You will be exhausted after the journey you have been on so lots of physical recovery is needed in addition to the emotional whirlwind of loss. Sending hugs
Hey ..I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing relatively okay considering the situation.
I lost my dad to psp two weeks ago and I know how hurtful the loss might feel and that no words could dedcribe it. But your husband and my dad are maybe better off where they are, far away from the grips of this cruel disease.
My heart is with you and your family as you go through these tough times.
I’m so sorry for your loss, you can deliver him your promises and be ok, but for now cry as much as you need too. You will be ok but you will always miss him and that’s ok too.
The only blessing is that he is no longer suffering his battle and is free of the daily constrictions of this horrible illness. Xxx
so so sorry for your loss. Big girls DO cry and should. You will get through this, you have been amazing. At least he is now at peace from this rotten disease, he would want you to now be living. Take care of yourself.
It's been nearly 8 years since my hubby ended his fight with PSP. I can still remember those moments and days after he left. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first year, but I think that was all part of the healing after the trauma of PSP. I still think about him every single day and miss him, but the terrible ache has receded and now I carry his memory with me as a comfort. The worst parts of his journey have dimmed and happier memories are what remain.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. As others have said, be gentle with yourself and take time to recover. Cry as much as you need. Life will never be the same, but you will be ok and keep your promise to him. Hugs
I’m so sorry for your loss, as others have said you have been an inspiration to us. Take as much time as you need to grieve and yes big girls and boys on this journey have to cry 💔💔 much love to you
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.I've cried reading your post, the love is so evident, along with the loss. Sending you all healing hugs and love xx
So generous of you to share with us the most moving last moments you had together with your husband. Your generous past posts of the struggles you have faced together have helped us all. They have always been written with such compassion and knowledge.
I am sure that you will approach the grieving that is ahead with the same compassion to yourself. Grieving can be painful and difficult and ultimately brings us to a new place. Your relationship with your lovely husband has not died; it will always be there. Eleanor
Dear Bergenser, Utter sadness on learning of the loss of your husbsnd . So thankful that he was able to be comfortable and back home with you. Sending love and heartfelt condolences . I have so appreciated your kindness, eloquence, compassion , support, and inspiring guidance you've so generously provided here.
I'm so glad that you and your husband were blessed to have 25 years together. Please take good care of yourself as you recover, and get plenty of rest ! Keep the music in your life ❣️
1 year ago you gave me such a helpful consolation. Today I want to tell you, that I feel very sorry for the painful loss of your husband. I wish you a lot of strength and never forget - the love stays forever. Love, Christine
So sorry for your loss. You may feel relief, you may feel anger, you may feel traumatised, or you may feel empty - or any combination of those feelings. But that’s OK because only you can know what you feel. Just don’t feel guilty about how you are feeling or anything that you could or should have done! And you are of course always welcome on here if you need support from this group.
I am so sorry for your loss - you will look after each other and you will be ok, but it takes time. Give yourself the time and space to grieve and sleep. Let others help you with all the practical stuff. Rest & cry all you need
Dear Bergenser, my heart is broken for you on your loss. So, so sorry. I know what you are going through.I have admired your strength in fighting so hard for your husband every step of the way. You couldn't have done more for him. And you were with him at the end. Take comfort from that. Love never dies.
I am so very sad to hear your news. I hope that, with time, you will be able to take comfort from knowing what amazing care and love you gave your husband. 💕
Oh Bergenser, I’m deeply saddened to read your post and my heart aches for you. I’m so very sorry!
You have always been so very generous and insightful with your posts and your commitment and tenacity in ‘fighting the fight’ has been such an inspiration and comfort to me throughout many a tough and worrying moment in time.
May the deep love, happy moments and lasting memories between you and your precious husband help you get through the difficult times ahead.
Thinking of you, look after yourself, much love and gentle hugs xx
So sorry for your loss, I lost my dad September and think about him everyday try to think happy thoughts that he is walking and talking and pain free once more. Sending hugs 🤗 xx
I am so sorry for your loss - those final moments are what I dread and it's impossible to be prepared for - thank you for sharing your experience with us💔
Sad days.....you have been a big part on this forum and all of us wish we could do more to support you. We are all on this same journey and we know the time is coming, but it is still so so hard when your ticket is called. Hugs and love from all of us....
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure none of us will ever be ready to let our loved ones slip away; but that we must. I just hope I will have the strength and courage to make such a loving promise.
That photo says so much… I would like to thank you for all the support and information you have shared in this group. Thinking of you at this sad and difficult time.
Thank you all for your kind responses. The last few weeks have been hard and we have been remembering my precious G in words, pictures and music - and beautiful flowers where he was laid to rest. It is bittersweet to uncover the memories - e.g. finding his voice and his chuckle captured perfectly on a video where he is behind the camera, or seeing his expressive face and eyes in images from special moments and life events.
One of the songs I listen to is “Darling Pretty” by Mark Knopfler.
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