Do not know whether to celebrate or crawl under a rock.
Today I am officially classed as an old age pensioner (65), besides the many birthday cards this milestone confirmed in a plain blunt letter this morning from DWP. I do not feel like it, mentally still think I am 30/40's, body well maybe 50's aches and pains getting better as no longer having to lift M countless times a day. I usually enjoy birthdays but this will be first without M with me since my RN days, and I feel empty, even though we have a great little family.
Then on Friday, M and I will celebrate 38 yr married do not know how much longer we will be together but I still ache for her and hate to watch this plague of PSP ravage her body and lock her inside her head unable to communicate other than with a smile. Her nursing home do what they can but it is not the same as home.
In someways I want her to stay with me for many more anniversaries but the more PSP removes from her the more I realise I must let her go. The constant question why her not me, why am I relatively fit and she is more locked in and has less quality of life, each day.
So this week which for many would be a week of celebration feels more dark and bleak than usual. I better get out of this hole sorry to sound depressed will go for a walk on the beach (oh where has the sun gone the drizzle and gales seem to want to match my mood)
Sorry to sound off but need to get it out of my system, and you dear friends are the only ones who may understand.
Thanks for letting me get some frustrations off my chest.
Best wishes to you all,. Tim