Guilty again!

[Patriciapmr]

New carer is here and I'm crying and feeling guilty again, how I wish this nightmare would go away! 😢xx

Thought I would share memory lane with you all, my husband looked like one of The Beatles, no wonder I fell in love with him!

[jzygirl]

How I wish I could give you a big hug rub your back and give you words of comfort. So I hope my syber hug helps. We all have blue days where we either feel down and depressed or woe is me and I think we do carry a lot of guilt. Guilty because we can't do everything... please remember we are human not mary marvel. Guilty because we are tired and snappy mainly because we are trying to do everything (we are not mary marvel).

Please accept all help that is offerd and if it is not offerd ask for it. I honestly thought I could do it all and I kept thinking if older people can do it I should be able to breeze through it all because I'm only 55 and a trained carer but the day I asked for help I sobbed my heart out and felt useless and guilty and so much a failure.

You must hug yourself every day and congratulate yourself for what you have achieved not beat yourself up for what you have not been able to do. My mantra now is "I am human not Mary Marvel"

big hugs and whispered words of comfort and encouragement. Janexx

[LynnO]

First... I love the picture! What a happy time!

You should never feel guilty to ask for help! That being said it is very hard to let go and let someone else in and do things that you feel you should be doing. But it really is ok and good! Right now my husband won't let anyone else help him and he doesn't want anyone in the house but me. Someday he won't have that choice, because I know I won't be able to do everything for him myself. I just hope I can find someone I can trust to take care of him well. So if you have that, good for you!! Kick guilt out the window and "enjoy" what little relief this can give you.

LynnO

[Patriciapmr in reply to LynnO]

Thank you LynnO, I wish I could go back to those happy days, it's a good job we can't see into the future! Your words are a great comfort to me!

Pat xx

[Patriciapmr]

Hi Jzygirl,

Thank you so much for your message, I hope I can get to terms with carers coming to look after Keith, if he can do it then so can I!

I have started to realise I need help and I do ask for it but when it arrives there is always this horrible guilty feeling that comes with it!

Thanks for your hugs, they helped me a lot, I appreciate all you lovely people taking the time to help me, we have to help each other and I look forward to the messages coming from my new bestest friends!

Take care of yourself and keep strong!

Love and hugs....Pat xx

[jzygirl in reply to Patriciapmr]

The evening carers are here and after a quick chat to see how I am as well as how Brian is they transfer him onto the comode and as they wheel him into the bathroom I dash to the kitchen to get my glass of wine then I get busy checking the posts on here or I check Facebook to see what our kids and grandchildren are up to. Once the carers are gone I go into Brian to do his eye drops and the mouth drops and tell him the all the gossip So there is a benifit of having the girls in...... I can check up on family and friends and then have a chat about it with Brian when they have gone.So in a way he benifits as well because I would of done that once he was settled in bed and the forgotten all the gossip by morning.

It all sounds good and I must admit that I would be lost without them now and I regard them as friends. But in the beginning I hated them invading my space making me redundant and the guilt that I was doing nothing while they was doing my job and I will admit there was jealously. I think I was stroppy cow when they 1st started but we are now like a big extended family with brian at the heart of it. There will come a time when you accept the situation and then like me you will be pleased to hear how they are and what there families are doing etc. as I said extended family

big syber hug Janexx

[Patriciapmr in reply to jzygirl]

Thank you Jane, you make me feel so much better, I love your posts, they make me feel stronger and more positive! I am just having.

[Patriciapmr in reply to Patriciapmr]

Oops hit the wrong key! Just having a vodka and coke it must be that! Big hugs to you too!

Love....Pat xx

[Joandbear in reply to jzygirl]

Your post feels so much like my situation, thank you for putting it into words

[Patriciapmr in reply to Joandbear]

I wish none of us were in this awful situation but we have to do our best to help each other....

Love....Pat xx

[Heady]

Hi Pat, I know all this is hard. I to, wish I could wake up from this horrible, hateful nightmare. One day we will! Then what happens? I am here, on my own, only S for company. Tonight we are going out for a meal, thought earlier, I would probably have a better time, if I went on my own. One day, that will be the choice, eat at home alone or go out alone........ And we think life is hard now....................

Love the picture by the way. Cling to those memories, it's what will get you through this.

Lots of love

Heady

[Patriciapmr in reply to Heady]

Needless to say neither of us look like that any more but the love is still there! xx

[Heady]

Hey Pat, that's what I like to read at this time of night. I know it's wrong, but there is nothing like a drink at this time of night. What other vices can us carers have????.?

Lots of love

Heady

[Patriciapmr in reply to Heady]

Cheers Heady! xx

[Katiebow]

Enjoy the tipple, there have to be some pleasures in this difficult life as a carer. Emotions run riot and your head is all over the place. I have to do all my correspondence here in secret at the moment as Ben remains in denial, he had his 2nd MRI yesterday and see the neurologist next week., 6 months since the first one so if they find any deterioration in his brain he may have to accept things as they are. At least we will be able to talk more openly. I have to remind myself that if the boot were on the other foot he would do his best for me. Chin up and do what you have to do even if it feels wrong. Xx

[Patriciapmr in reply to Katiebow]

Hi Katiebow,

I also know that Keith would do his best for me if the boot were on the other foot and he is also still in denial months after his diagnosis! He keeps saying thing like "I'm going to sue the doctors for mis-diagnosis" then in the next breath says "It won't be long now, seven years is the average life expectancy from first symptoms" my mind is in a complete muddle trying to say things positive whilst knowing the actual outcome of his situation, I feel like my head will burst sometimes! Guess it's time for another tipple!

Take care and keep strong (If you can!)

Love and big hugs....Pat

[jillannf6]

HI ALL

AI AM WORRYING ABOUT WHATTO DO WHEN I CAN NO LONGER USE HTE "PUTER IE GET THE MOUSE TO THE, RIGHT PLACE IN THE PAGE

IT WILL HAPPEN SOON I KNOW THEN MY TYPIGN WILL EB SO BAD AND EVEN MORE DYSLEXIC HTAN IT IS AT HE MOMENT WIHT CORRECTIONS

I AHV ENTO ANSWERED THE POINT OF THE POST AT ALL SO MUST APOLOGISE FR THAT!

BUT I AMHY LOSE HTIS POST IF I DO NTO HIT THE REPLY BUTTON

[Doglinton]

Lovely picture ! Its always a mixed blessing to look at old pictures, isn't it ?

I imagine we all wish this nightmare would go away and at times its intolerable.

I also hit the bottle. I wish I could comfort you but please try to let go of the guilt. I think we need to cry sometimes so don't feel guilty about that too !!

I've been looking at photos of my husband. He was handsome - still is - but also really looked after me. Now I'm crying. Its too early for the gin !

Love, Jean

[Patriciapmr in reply to Doglinton]

Hi Jean,

My husband always looked after me too, I feel so alone in all of this, keep thinking things like "What if I crashed the car or fell and really hurt myself, what would happen to Keith, he would be on his own and would be in big trouble as he cant help himself!" It's really worrying and hitting the bottle is not really the solution but the only one I have at the moment to make some of the pain go away! I'm crying again, how much water can you produce from your eyes?

Take care Jean and thanks for listening it's much appreciated....

Love and big hugs....Pat xx

[Doglinton in reply to Patriciapmr]

Hi , Pat

Yes . It is a big feeling of responsibility, having him so dependent. Chris seems to live through me. He looks at me as a life-belt. It also breaks my heart to watch him having to adjust to losing his privacy.

We were lucky to have had lots of travelling before this. He is 81 and I am 78. So we all have to try and see something positive. We are lucky to have had each other for so long. Also that Chris is appreciative and loving.

There, I'm off again.

Love and hugs, Jean x

[jillannf6]

HI JEAN\

IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY FOR A GIN IS IT??

I H ADNOT HAD ANY RED WINE FOR 3.4 DAYS AND HAD A CONSITPAITON TYPE TUYMMYH ACHE ALL DAY YESTERDYA OS HAD A COUPEL FO SMALL GLASSE S LAST NGIHT WITH A CHICK PEA STEW AND HAVEBEEN THIS MORNGING VS MEILLY BTU HAVE NTO BLOCKE DTHE TOILE TAGAIN (OIKE I DID 2 WEEKS AGO ) AS ALLTHE PAPER NOW GOES IN PLASMIIC BAGS AND INTO THE BIN

NOT A V PLEASANT TOPIC FOR A SUNNY MORNING BUT THE SMELL DRIVES KMHY PARTNER MAD`(YES REALLY)I CANNTO SMELL MUCH ANY MROE SO IT DOES NTO BOTHER ME NEARLY AS MUCH

LOL JILL

[jillannf6]

HIPAT

DO NTO WORRHY ABOUT HAIVNG CARERS IN - THEHY WILL GIV EYOU A MHCH NEEDED BREAK FM LOOKGIN AFTER YOUR GORFGOUS HUSBAND1

LOL ~JILL

[Auddonz]

KEEP YOUR MEMORIES LOCKED IN YOUR HEART. THIS IS JUST A NEW MEMORY TO BE ADDED TO THE HAPPY TIMES AND THE NOT SO HAPPY ONES. I AM SCARED, NERVOUS AND EVERYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF AND WE ARE BOTH SENIORS. MY LOVED ONE IS 77 AND I AM 76. I KEEP ON THINKING WHY BUT THERE IS NO ANSWER TO THAT, IS THERE.

[Patriciapmr in reply to Auddonz]

No unfortunately I think "Why?" all the time, there is no answer, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy if I had any! Keith is 69 and I am 65, we were going to do so much in our retirement after working hard all our lives and now this horrible PSP has taken that all away! I too am scared about what the future holds but am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is what we've been dealt and I just have to get on with it! For Keith's sake really, I will have to try to be strong....

Take care, love and hugs

Pat....xx

[Katiebow in reply to Patriciapmr]

I feel as if I wrote this post, we must be at the same stage. I am 63 and Ben 62 so retirement will not be what we anticipated. Ben is off work on the sick at the moment and thinks he will be returning back to work. That is not going to happen, having to try to get him to sort out pension, sell his car and all the rest of the horrible stuff that needs to be in order. This is tricky when he doesn't want to believe what Is happening to him. Want to go to the top of a mountain and scream until I can scream no more. Arrrrhhhhhhhhh.

[Georgepa]

Don't worry the guilty feelings will go away and you will be relieved that you have got carers coming in- it helps take the pressure off . It just takes a while to realise that you can't do it all yourself - it's not possible . Georgpa

[Patriciapmr in reply to Georgepa]

Thank you Georgepa,

I'm feeling a little better about the carers helping me now, I think without them I may have cracked up! I have to think of Keith, that's all that's important to me, he's always been such a quiet and reserved person, it's breaking my heart to see him so dependent on other people! I wish I could make this horrible nightmare all go away but I can't do have to do what I think is best for him and me....

Love to you....Pat xx