Need a listening ear 👂

[Positive2022]

Evening all, I have spent the whole day crying. Life has just got completely on top of me and as a result I feel like the worst mother & wife in the world. The last few years have been difficult to say the least...

2018 traumatic birth after years of fertility treatment and didn't cope well during treatment and after the birth (large postpartum hemorrhage ... Poorly healed episiotomy needing surgery... Severe postpartum depression as a result and general mismanagement in my care (received a formal apology from the trust) ) .

Started talking therapy March 2020 and again wasn't dealt with terribly well, unearthed some really difficult historic trauma which I wasn't prepared for then covid hit nd every door closed.

Multiple gynae issues told would never conceive naturally which hit me hard.

Then found out I was pregnant naturally.

c section 2021.

Since then my daughter has been diagnosed with autism, doesn't sleep very challenging behaviour which is getting worse. Help from the professionals is non existent. We have had to fight every step o f the way. And my now 1 year old son has also had some red flags raised about his gross motor development and social communication.. Plus he was hospitalised at 3 weeks old, unsettled CMPA reflux etc .

My father in law has been diagnosed with vascular dementia ( mother in law not coping). Husband won't discuss our struggles with his family.

We lost a child on my side of the family due to cancer in April. My side in pieces.

my cat has cancer cells in her bowel

no local family who can look after the kids both have very high needs so friends can't help

im going round the clock 24/7 had to give up work

its all come to a head. I feel so worried about my children. My husband who is nearly always very supportive just snapped at me today saying he could no longer help with the nights because it's not sustainable, he needs more rest. Told me I'm not doing enough. I feel broken 💔 ended up at the GP today I just walked in and cried 😢 he was nice but basically said I need to have a break

fine if I have someone to take the kids. My daughter isn't settled in preschool and so at home is very difficult. Everything from washing and dressing to brushing teeth to sleeping.

I feel so alone and like I've failed my children somehow.

Not even sure what I'm looking for but I need to talk to someone

[Purpledoggy]

I’m so very sorry you’re in this situation. That is so so much to deal with and you are amazingly strong for being able to articulate what is going on. I have zero experience of what you’re going through and I really hope someone has some good suggestions. I just wanted to send you a massive hug and reassure you you have ABSOLUTELY IN NO WAY failed your kids. Not at all. All I can suggest is to push hard for any kind of support you can get through your GP and also maybe consider fertility-specific counselling, as that might help one part of what you are dealing with. I spoke with a lovely counsellor who specialises in all things fertility-realted. PM me if you want her details. Xx

[Jess1981]

I am so sorry you are dealing with so much at once. Fertility struggles are hard and traumatic births on top poor you. You are not a bad mum far from it. You are someone dealing so much at once and no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

I had fertility issues too- we had a long struggle to have our daughter Francesca who is 3 years old. She is also displaying symptoms of autism awaiting an official diagnosis - she has speech delay ( under SALT) has been referred to a paediatrician but a huge backlog wait. In between we are facing challenging behaviour- meltdowns over being dressed etc just everyday stuff! Situations can cause Francesca much distress- example noise and crowds of people. The meltdowns are unreal. So I fully sympathise with you and find others can be extremely judgemental . I am trying to explore new ways to meet Francescas needs- it is a very different way of parenting - for example a lot of visual recognition to her Francesca to comply example- I don't put her shoes on till she physically can see the park.

I also have a 6 month old daughter Eliza after a late loss of our daughter Amelia they 2 early miscarriages.

I would urge you to contact health visitor and hope they can offer more support for you and your daughter . Portage is a charity for autism who can support carers with children with SEN. There are also Facebook groups that will be completely anonymous for carers with autism and other SEN it might be nice to talk with other parents 🙂

I am also going through similar myself and if you want someone to talk feel free to PM me Xx

[Claireeeeeeeeeeeee]

I am so sorry you are going through this, I haven't experienced even half of this but our eldest is probably autistic but no official diagnosis and still doesnt sleep through the night at 4 and a half. Also dont have anyone to leave them with really so I can tell you what we do for any kind of a break. I also would say we only got to this because I snapped that I wasnt coping anymore about 6 months after my youngest arrived. I haven't slept through the night since I was pregnant the first time. Basically we each take one child during the night so not getting up for both of them. This gives me more sleep obviously him less as he wasnt doing nights before but were both parents who need sleep so why should 1 get a good night and the other a truely terrible night? For breaks we try to give each other an hour a week, it's not much but an hour completely alone while they are out the house that I can do what I want has worked wonders. He takes them to the park and he gets the same at a different point. I know it's not much of a break but it allows me to reset but it requires my husband to be on board. I hope you find at least a little space for you and remember you need sleep to and everything looks bleak without sleep.

[GemX81]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to tell you you're not failing as a mum. The fact that you get up each morning and continue to battle means you are not failing. Parenting is challenging even at the best of times and you are doing a great job. It sounds that you are trying to meet everyone else's needs but are neglecting yours. I hope you can find a solution. Sending virtual hugs your way!

[Chloe0789]

Wish I could give you a hug and just sit and have a cry with you, sometimes it’s just nice to let the tears out and along with it some frustrations! GP’s live in a different world where the idea of time off from life is actually achievable!Aslong as your there for your kids you haven’t failed them!

With regards to your husband it can be difficult when he doesn’t see the day to day stuff and then says your not doing enough, I think if you could get him to do what you do for a few days he may realise that he needs to help!

Don’t forget there as well as the GP there are other places that you can call and talk to if you need too

[Positive2022]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to listen and respond, you have made me feel a lot better about myself ❤

And I feel better for getting things off my chest and having a good cry xxx