Am I overreacting?

[RecipIVF]

Hi all👋🏻

Had New Year’s Day lunch with my wife, parents, sister, brother in law and nieces today and I’ve come away, replayed the situation in my head and now I’m so upset ( I am a slow burn and it annoys me that I don’t react quickly to shut things down sometimes).

I expressed that currently I would like to have a c section (little bit of back story- I’m very petite, had two failed IVF transfers and I’m so narrow down there an embryo transfer and endometrial scratch left me in terrible pain and bleeding). At no point did they ask why I was interested in a section. My brother in law kept repeating that giving birth via c section ‘isn’t proper child birth’. My sister kept pushing her experience, agenda and that a section is a bad idea. My mum didn’t help either. So I felt like they were ganging up on me and didn’t take even ask why I wanted a section. They also said super patronising comments like ‘you know the recovery time is longer’ and ‘you know you can’t drive for 6 weeks’ - no shit.

I have wanted a baby for so long, I’ve done my research and I just want my baby delivered safely after all the ups and downs of IVF. It’s not like either way to give birth is easy or there is a ‘one fits all’ scenario. And it’s not that they have opinion that bothers me, it’s that I didn’t ask for their opinion (certainly not the brother in law with no uterus), it was belittling and ignorant.

I’ve since told them to not bring it up to me again. Am I overreacting to this? X

[goodvibesonly]

I 100% get where you are coming from!

It was very hard for us to get pregnant and when we finally did, I wanted nothing else to go wrong.

I liked the idea of a planed C section, no surprises. And that’s exactly what we did! And I had a great c section, super easy and quick. And my recovery was about a week. We got the baby out a week before due date so there were no complications.

Just like you I am very Petit and narrow and I just was to worried to have it any other way.

It’s really your choice. And you need to feel save and positiv about your birth plan. Good luck either way 🍀

[RecipIVF in reply to goodvibesonly]

Thanks for the boost💕 was beginning to doubt myself! Congratulations on your baby and that’s brilliant you had a quick recovery! Xx

[Purpledoggy]

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all-I have a C-sec planned and I would be really pissed at anyone sticking their nose in making comments like that. There are lots of reasons women want them, from risk of birth complications to psychological problems including due to previous vaginal trauma such as rape. I don’t know what it is about pregnancy and birth that makes people think they can make such judgements and offer unsolicited advice! 1/4 births ends in CS anyway so to say it’s not a proper birth is just ignorant. Xx

[RecipIVF in reply to Purpledoggy]

I do have a strong fear that I’d end up having an emergency c section even if I did try naturally. Also want to scream that people don’t get pregnant just to give birth, safety of mum and baby should be paramount and it really doesn’t matter how baby enters the world. Thanks so much for reply and good luck for your birth 💕xx

[Purpledoggy in reply to RecipIVF]

That is the reason I opted for one - I am 40 so there is a 1/3 chance I'd end up in an emergency C-sec if I tried naturally. I also have some chronic back and hip problems (from pre-pregnancy) that would make most of the optimal birth positions impossible and so would probably necessitate intervention. I am under consultant care at a local, quite famous, maternity hospital and when I talked to my obstetrician about it she was very pragmatic and said the best birth is always what feels right for mum and baby, and they are much more relaxed about elective CS these days, so she was completely supportive of my reasons for requesting it. The recovery comment thing annoys me coming from anyone who hasn't gone through it - my stepsister has had both VB and emergency CS and said she found recovering from the episiotomy much harder than the CS. I think when you have gone through IVF the idea that everything is supposed to be all natural and lovey dovey goes out of the window anyway - whatever the heck gets you that bubba safely at the other end is best. xx

[KiboXX]

Of course it was a guy who said it’s not proper child birth 🙄 Honestly! Why don’t you kick him in the nuts and then tell him it’s not proper pain.

I think you have every right to be upset and to tell them to keep their opinions to themselves in future. Your baby, your body, your decision. If a c section is what you want then that’s all there is to it. Whatever way your baby is born, it’s child birth 🤷🏼‍♀️ Good luck lovely Xxx

[RecipIVF in reply to KiboXX]

Exactly- I don’t shame him for his parenting and I certainly wouldn’t give him father of the year, far bloody from it. Thanks for the boost 💕xx

[Seb9]

People will have opinions on every aspect of having children!Breastfeeding or bottle feeding, Co-sleeping, baby wearing, baby led weaning or traditional, never try telling a baby led weaner that you're doing a bit of both.

Everyone had an opinion on these things, but at the end of the day it's your body, your baby and ultimately your decision what you do.

So as long as you're firm on what you've decided, you can just smile and thank them for their opinion and move on.

My sister repeatedly tells me she wouldn't have breastfed her children once they had teeth, implying I'm mad for doing it, whereas I'm happy to breastfeed till natural weaning.

I use reusable nappies and people tell me that it's a bit gross or that they couldn't get on with them because they leak etc but I love them and think they great.

My current battle is extended rear facing, I want the 25kg tested plus seat for my eldest so she can rear face till about 6, husband hasn't voiced his opinion yet, but I'm ready for any debate on it!

[RecipIVF in reply to Seb9]

I’ll have to master the smile, thank you and move on 😂 I’ve spent the night fuming and daydreaming about giving them some home truths. Being ready for the debate is half the battle 💪🏻 Good luck with your car seat situ and thanks for the reply xx

[Seb9 in reply to RecipIVF]

Honestly, you'll find random strangers find it perfectly OK to give their opinions on your parenting it's hilarious and infuriating at the same time.My husbands aunt told me when I was about 7 months pregnant not to let having a baby change my life in any way and to just make baby fit in round it. I'm not sure quite how I was meant to do that? Plus I thought if I hadn't wanted my life to change I wouldn't have had a baby 😂.

[Donita33]

I totally understand you no one as right to tell you anything about your body especially when they are not interested to know how you feel. You have right to put them in there places. During my time I choose not to share with anyone about my journey because I released people don’t seem to understand how you feel and sometimes they can be inconsiderate. Hugs and love ❤️ to you. I pray before the end of these year you will carry your Samwel 🙏

[andrina25]

No, you are not overreacting. Being not bothered by anyone’s comment is hard work but we only have control over our feelings and actions (not what others say etc.). At the end of the day, it’s your choice. I’ve been receiving unsolicited advice from literally everyone around me so just try to take what you feel is useful for you and let go of the rest! Good luck!

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely, I feel exactly the same!I’m having a planned c-section and I’ve been told so many things by so many people: you should think this through really carefully- the recovery is awful / you won’t be able to lift anything / you can’t drive for 6 weeks / don’t you feel sad about not giving birth naturally…. The list goes on.

Well: a) of course I’ve thought it through and after a 5 year struggle to get pregnant I would like my baby to arrive as safely as possible please

B) my husband will help me lift things if I can’t and I’ll work around it.

C) I live in london - where am I driving to with a brand new baby?

D) hell no I don’t feel sad about hours and hours of excruciating pain - and if anyone else tells me it’s not “giving birth” if you have a c-sec I’m going to punch them.

So many of my friends have had really tricky births which have ended in induction then emergency c-section so to go in to hospital, calmly have an epidural then 20 mins later have a baby sounds ideal!

Xx

[Twiglet2]

I personally think you are under reacting 🤣 I would have told them all (especially the brother in law) where to go! Not proper child birth!?? It’s an actual operation that takes weeks to recover from? What’s not‘proper’ enough about that for him 🤬

I would ask then to reflect on what they said and how they made you feel and whether they remember you asking for any of their opinions and how they would have felt if you had did the same about your sisters decisions on how she gave birth? Then tell them if they can’t be genuinely supportive they can p**s off! Some people just like the sound of their own voice and think they know it all when it comes to children 🙄 you do what’s best for you and your baby 🤗💪🏼 You got this xx

[Bigblueskies]

Oh that would annoy me like hell too and I also experienced it when I originally wanted my birth to be exactly as you describe. Later on in my first pregnancy I completely changed my mind and decided on a home birth instead, with the plan to go straight to a c section if there are any complications. You wouldn’t believe how many people told me I might die giving birth at home but also disagreed that I would need a c section if there was the slightest complication. You can never please them, your body your choice.

Look at your options and do what feels right to you. Put it in a birth plan and add as much detail as possible. Make sure you tell midwives and consultants about it. Hire a doula if you can. Having family debate your choices is really annoying but prepare for medical staff to do the same at several points. I had a hard red line on induction and it was ridiculous how many midwives and doctors tried to persuade me to have one.

My strategy was always to just state what I chose and when they started questioning it I simply repeated what I wanted. It still upset me but at least I didn’t waste my time debating with people (whose body wasn’t on the line) on how I should experience birth.

[Sirius_star]

Yeah I think you under reacted also ☺️After failed ivf tries when we was finally successful all the way through I wanted a c section I told the midwife and she just wouldn’t take me seriously saying you don’t know that yet and can’t opt for it with first child etc etc so felt like by the end I couldn’t request it o just wanted baby to be here a safe and through ivf everything is planned isn’t it so I felt like that’s what I wanted so anyways I go for sweeps no starters I go for inductions over 5 days which was uncomfortable, and tiring in hospital all the machines going off having observations all day and night hearing the women’s in labour. Been alone due to covid and scared (never been in hospital before) Confused wether I was having contractions monitor said I was… I did my birth plan and got my head round it. A week over due with no contractions just lots of strange pain said can’t go through induction process again as now 41 weeks and don’t like ivf to go over so within the hour emergency c section. Call the husband happening now off to theatre. The c section was absolutely fine just took time to get head round after been told no for 9 months. I had complications but that was due to my placenta blocking the uterus which was never gonna open and placenta so huge was sent off no wonder I was in pain. But after all that I just wish I could have had a planned c section in the first place all the anxiety, baby was measuring on larger side of the scale too but nope midwife was having none of it. You have to go with what you feel right because it’s your journey. Push for what you want as well xxxx all the best xxx

[Fluffy21]

Your body, your choice and your completely in the right if don’t want them to talk to you about it again. Some people can be insensitive and about something so personal to you. They have no idea what you have been through already. You’ve done the research and as long as you are happy with the decision discussed with health you should be happy.Goodluck x

[GemX81]

Both my boys were born via C-section. The first being an emergency after an induction and failed forceps delivery. My second was a planned C-section. When I was pregnant with my second I decided that I wanted a planned section but my midwife kept trying to persuade me otherwise but she referred me to the specialist who was happy for me to have a planned C-section. And my second birth (and yes it is a proper birth, are my children not born?!) was a fantastic experience, especially after the trauma I had had with my first. C-section is not an easy way out. The recovery is longer, there is a greater risk of infection (I had this with my first) and yes you will need support to help take care of baby in the beginning. But I don't regret my decision, it's what I needed to do. And the recovery from my planned C-section was quicker and easier than with the emergency one. Unfortunately as others say everyone has an opinion on what you should or shouldn't be doing when it comes to all matters about pregnancy, birth and raising children. As you become more confident as a mum it becomes easier to ignore unsolicited advice. Every decision you make will be the best for you and your baby because it's done out of love.

[Dilpreet123]

Hi I can understand your fear. But I can also understand that other people have love for you. And I don't think it's thinking much. This is normal. I'm like you too. I am also 32 weeks pregnant and it is always with me whenever someone gives me advice. I mean it's your baby and your life. You have the right to make your own decision.

[XOXO13]

You’re not over reacting at all and I agree with what everyone else has said in response to you. My mum had four sections, the first was an emergency and the rest because back in then, she had to. I’m having twins and a planned c-section (noway do I fancy pushing two out and I can’t anyway due to placenta previa).

I was in the hospital the other day and one of the midwives asked if I was having a natural birth, and I just said “do you mean vaginal birth or c-section?” - to me, they’re both natural, whatever is safest!

Best of luck to you! Xx

[JOSANDY40]

There is nothing wrong with a C Section! Many women have them, if through choice or there's a problem with mother or baby or not enough staff or the birth canal, hips are too narrow!I find them ignorant, perhaps even jealous. There are several woman I know who went off sex after a natural birth, later you can have bladder and bowel issues or even prolapsed. My sister had some issues with her 2 C Sections, some numbness and some scar tissue which even now 20yrs later if she folds over to get into low or small places some pain.

My sister in law was a size 16 wide hips. Went into 1st labour in Supermarket. Her friend took a home in her car, which was a short distance the baby was born in a hr, the midwife turned up just in time and then the shopping was put away.

It's your body. You do what you want.

x

[HollyT7]

nope your not, people are just insensitive!!!!

[CLCP]

Not over reacting at all!! I would have left the table! If a baby comes out of your body, you have birthed that baby. You are doing what’s right for you and your baby and I really hope your family get on board or shut up! All the best!

[Loubump]

Ask him “ what a proper birth is “ - people can be so insensitive !!!! Its your delivery - your body & your baby - you do what you feel is right - end of !!!!

[Artmum22]

You are not overreacting, you are faced with a family with preconceived ideas about birth, which are outdated knowing how science has made so much progress to save us from all sorts of medical issues and to make birth an experience easier to go through. If this is your choice of having a C section for your safety and the safety of your baby, go for it, speak to your obstetrician and arrange the date. I have also done IVF and I totally sympathize with what you are going through. Keep going, be assertive with your choice, and do not let people with no uterus dictate your birth plan. Good luck x

[Cheekymonkey85]

I’ve absolutely no idea why people think they can comment on these things, it’s infuriating. I had a sort of similar experience with my mother in law about a home birth and it still makes me cross 8 year on!

You don’t need to justify your choices to anyone, and while a C-section wouldn’t be mine, who am I to say it’s wrong for you.

I’ve read a few times on here that some hospital trusts have a policy on inducing labour with ivf pregnancies. Inductions can increase the risk of other interventions like forceps and C-sections, so I think For some it’s preferable to opt for it from the start rather than go through induction of labour to end up with an emergency one. Elective ones are much more chilled and I imagine easier to recover from most of the time.

Ignore them, as long as you have your wife’s support other unwanted opinions don’t matter xx

[Mgkt2021]

Your body, your decision, your choice. I think the journey you an all ladies on here has been through the safety of you and your baby matters. How does every other lady who has a c section recover etc. You have a loving partner to help and support.

I’m actually cross for you xx

Wishing you every success for the remainder xx

[Gcool1980]

You're definitely not overreacting. It's your body, your baby, your choice. Their opinion is totally irrelevant

[Belangalo]

Your body, baby and choice. I would be very upset if someone had told me that a c-section isn't giving birth. I just gave birth via c-section on 14 December. Trust me...a c-section is giving birth. The baby I hold in my arms is very definitely born and real. No one gets to tell you what you do for the safety of yourself and your little one.

Good luck and best wishes.

[MissSaoPaulo]

I live in Brazil where c section rates are around 80% in private health care. I didn't want a c section and my in-laws questioned that decision!! Welcome to being a parent - every decision you make will be questioned!! In my experience, it's best to smile and nod and get on with my day.And I did end up having a c section after failed induction. Some tips if you're having a planned one - ask the Drs to be quiet during. My precious IVF baby was coming into the world and they were discussing where to have lunch!!

Best of luck xxx

[Fruitandflowers]

It's bizarre the kind of opinions and questions people think are appropriate once you are expecting, and from people I've literally only said hello to or perhaps braved offering my opinion on the weather. Typically they start: "Do you mind me asking [insert highly personal/medically complex/situation-dependent and inevitably controversial question, upon which they just happen to have a view or especially helpful story, usually around 'natural' birth or breastfeeding].

Because I've got a bit bored of this, and have had some weird reactions and dubious advice in response to 'it's looking like a c-section', I decided to send my friends and family a news article I found about a lady who had her therapy dog with her during birth and hint very heavily that I was planning to train my nutty large puppy as my birth partner. That seemed to stop the whole conversation over sections as there are now bigger things to persuade me against. So I recommend going extreme - say you have taken on board their helpful advice about natural births and lack of medical intervention (plus you are very concerned about stories you have read about big pharma stealing your placenta) and have decided to give birth in the local woods with only a highly trained squirrel doula. Anything you can add about the pain relieving properties of foraged fungus may also help to distract their attention.

Failing that, it's your body and your baby and if they can't support that, smile and nod and do whatever the hell works to get you and your baby through birth safely. And if they then start on breastfeeding, bring back the squirrel.

[Purpledoggy in reply to Fruitandflowers]

🤣🤣

It amazes me how many people ask about breastfeeding! It seems to be an inevitable question and I just don't understand it. If I say no, are you planning on judging me? And if I say yes, is this the end of this line of questioning? Why does it matter to you? I like the idea of bringing random animals into the equation. Perhaps I will suggest if the baby doesn't like the boob I'll breastfeed my cat like the nutter on the plane a few weeks back. xx

[Seb9 in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Big pharma stole my placenta? The bastards 🤣

[RecipIVF]

Hi lovelies thanks so much for all your replies of support and kindness! Glad I’ve not lost the plot 😂 xxx