16wks pregnant - daddy left and isolating alone.

[WintyandBump]

Hello,

I have just joined the NCT today and this is my 1st post.

I am reaching out because I find myself in a really dark place. I am 16 weeks pregnant and it became clear on Christmas Day that daddy (who originally freaked and took a month to come around to the idea of baby) is still in love with his wife (nearly ex, they have 3 children and despite being separated before me, Covid has meant that getting the Decree Absolute has taken over 1 year).

Daddy has 3 children (5,6&7). He only told his mum, dad and I told his sister about the pregnancy. He has asked that we keep it quiet and I have hid it with baggy clothes. I felt very hurt that he wouldn’t tell his friends and family. Or even her, trying to keep her happy with spousal allowance rather than tell her about baby meaning that finances would be assessed fairly for our new family. I felt hurt that I couldn’t celebrate my pregnancy and be proud of my emerging bump.

Christmas Day I just felt a climax of emotions and left. After a 4 hour drive home (we live 219 miles apart), he told me we were done. There has been a week and a half of messages back and forth but ultimately he wouldn’t talk to me.

Now I’m in Shropshire in a new house. I know no one as I purchased the house at the end of the 1st lockdown. I’m self employed so in my house alone - which needs new windows fitting and currently looks like a building site (freezing cold with only electric heating).

I have reached out to friends but came off of all social media as I don’t think it’s good for my mental health. I was a yoga teacher so am practicing daily and a health coach so am focusing on long baths, walks with my puppy, meditation and breathing but I cannot turn off this self doubt and depressive thoughts. I have contacted Iapt for counselling but they now want me to reregister after I missed my appointment, meaning it will take another month before I speak to someone.

What I’m asking is advice... I’m terrified of doing this alone, and scared of how I will get through this pregnancy and birth in a never ending lockdown.

Also, after only having two appointments and never having met my midwife, I feel totally unsupported.

Grateful for any thoughts x

[Sprog]

I don’t have any advice to offer I’m afraid I just wanted to send you hugs.

Sounds like you’ve had such a tough time and just want you to know you’re not alone. Whilst with the lockdown you may be physically there will always be someone you can reach out to.

People get a bit tied up in their own lives But I’d really like to hope if your friends knew how you were feeling they’d do far more to stay in touch.

I also dropped most social media on the first lockdown, as I didn’t find it helped my mental health either.

I really hope you find the support you need. ❤️

[Mummybear6116]

Awww sweet.

First of all let me just say how I feel as though any mum going through this lockdown pregnant, is going to feel somewhat unsupported anyway. Partners can't attend appts etc in my borough anyway. It sucks.

I completely relate to doing it on your own. Trust me. Is the father hands on with his other children? Do you think he will be hands on with yours? If not there's many routes you can take. I know my first born I was with her dad 8 years. We broke up pretty much as soon as she was born because eit changed our relationship so much. And I always said I'm glad that we brokke up when we did because she didn't see it. My daughters dad is very hands on though more than a weekend dad. An every other day dad. The first few months of being on my own was terrifying I felt guilty for breaking up a child's home ( I was braught up in a very much 2+2 home) so my parents weren't happy with us. But we both moved on.. Eventually. I am now pregnant with my second and my bumps dad is in the military so he's away a hell of a lot. So I'm essentially on my own too.

I guess my advice would be this... Everytime you feel down or feel like you can't do it... You have no choice. You have a baby who needs you. You need to ignore what that silly man did to you ask him if he wants a relationship. If he does it gives you time out for yourself when baby is here. If he doesnt.. Then like I say there's routes you can take. We women are genuinely superheros when it comes to our kids. I don't think you realise it till they're in your arms.

Please feel free to message me. I will be a listening ear whenever you need it as I know how hard it is.

R x

[Samcz]

So sorry to hear you're having a tough time. It sounds like you're doing some great stuff like walks and meditation and yoga so well done. I don't have any experience but would say just take things a day at a time. Be patient as it takes time to get to know people in a new place. Not sure what lapt is but we have a wellbeing service where I live so don't know if that exists where you are. Their support is CBT based. Hopefully we will get vaccines soon and the lockdown will end. Good luck. X

[Tiredtiredtiredxo]

Aw first of all, that sounds awful and horrific that he’s put you through that! I have been through quite a few rubbish times in life but my hardest was definitely being left during my pregnancy! I would definitely recommend if you could spare £80 a month find a psychotherapist to talk things through, they usually charge £40 a session. I tried the nhs route with counselling but they were just so slow and late with it and by the time I’d even got onto any list I was 7 months pregnant. Just know that you most definitely are not alone in it, soooo many of us go through this and as someone (mostly) on the other side of it, it builds your strength and resilience sooo much! It’s quite possibly the worst thing to happen but right now try to focus on the silver linings and when you can’t, just cry. I remember crying almost every day until I was like 6 months pregnant 😭 I was in therapy twice a week and I would cryThen I’d come home and cry 😭 I was terrified that I’d be hurting my little one and he’d come out crying but here he is 10 months pregnant and he’s the happiest soul❤️

Honestly after giving birth and a few months later when my pregnancy hormones were finally back to normal i could finally remove the rose coloured lens and see my ex for who he really was and tbh I don’t think I ever would have left him had I not had my little one. Having a child shows you a different kind of love, absolutely nothing can compare and just hold onto that. I also found it really good to just write notes to baba in my notes page even the days where I was struggling.

As sad as it is at least they’ve shown their true colour now, rather than down the line when you have multiple children together and there’s more to consider.

I definitely understand the not wanting to be on social media, it’s v isolating going through it no matter who is there for you. I am surrounded by tons of family, friends and my ex’s family and because nobody had been through it it didn’t matter who was there for me. Definitely start some counselling now.

I didn’t realise I was in shock for the first 2 months and didn’t think I needed therapy but by the 3rd month of my pregnancy and for a whole year later I had the worst panic attacks. Got prescribed antidepressants and anxiety pills but thankfully pulled through with just my psychotherapist.

Now I have the most beautiful 10 month old and don’t get me wrong it’s never how I imagined or planned and there are some days that I grieve what I could’ve had and wanted to have but most days I am working towards creating a better future for us both. Honestly, it’s the hardest most rewarding thing ever! If you ever need anyone to chat to, drop me a message x

It’s Already good news that you’re reaching out now

[Lawlau]

I had a terrible second pregnancy and a terrible time with my partner, I felt like the world was crashing in and I was alone... just take one day at a time and try not think about the future just hear and now and getting through it. My second child is now 8 and the most amazing little person ever. You can do this.

Circumstances may not be right and you may not have everything together but things will work out in the end. Maybe focus on one job at a time? Call a window fitter for a quote? Organise one room? I find the more to do the more overwhelmed I feel but completing one task may make you feel a little better x