Advice on how to cope with a partner who has a child from a previous relationship.

[jubbly]

Where to start...? Well, me and my partner have been together 4.5 years now. Since the beginning, his ex partner has never wanted me anywhere near their child....which was hard, but i respected her decision, and we just hoped things would get better in time, well 4.5 years later and here we are. Their child has recently turned 6, and for a while has been asking why doesnt Daddy live with Mummy. This has been hard for everyone involved, especially the little one. But when i realised i was pregnant earlier this year, we decided the best thing to do was to tell her ourselves before she heard through gossip.

As you can imagine, it didnt go down well. She even said horrible things that involved a coat hanger. My partner didnt want to tell me she had said that, but i needed to know. I was disgusted to say the least. But after she calmed down, she agreed that we could have him for the day at our house. This was a big deal, we spent days getting the house ready, theres nothing wrong with our house, infact its a lovely house, but we just wanted everything just 'so'. I still was hardly showing at this point in the pregnancy so we just wanted him to meet me and hopefully he would like me.

Well he had a great time at ours, was a beautiful day and was spring time, so we were in the garden and he was helping us gather leaves and tidy up. He ate a healthy lunch, played with his toys and we were even joking around by the end of the afternoon. And for tea we all made our own pizzas and he enjoyed that too.

On his way home that night, he told my partner he liked me but "i was very silly" (i was experiencing bad baby brain at the time) and that was that. The next week, my partner didnt want to overload him, so while i was working he had him over again, and when i finished work, he saw me for ten mins or so then went off to see the family. Even here he was still warming up to me, which i loved.

Then that was it. He hasnt been over since then. Between my partner and his ex, when i started showing, it was decided i wasnt to see him until he knew. And they thought the best time to do that was once he had finished school for the summer as not to interfere with his school work. Well hes just finished for the summer and Im 6 months gone. My partner told him earlier this week. Not that he was having a little brother, or that me and his Daddy were having a baby, just that i was pregnant. His mother doesnt believe that this baby is his brother or that he ever will be. This scares me as i think the hostility she has towards me is going to rub off onto her son and hes going to take it out on his brother, my little one. At first the lad seemed to have taken it well, i had been doing some baking that day, and my partner brought his Son round just for a drink and to say hello. I offered him a cake and he accepted, it lasted about 2 seconds this made me happy as i thought "he can still accept food from me!" Once they had their drinks, they left.

Since that day, the poor little lad hasnt been himself. He has a lot to get his head around. Even though Ive been with his dad for 4.5 years, hes only known me for a few months. So not only has he got to get his head around me, but baby too. Although he hasnt been told directly its Daddys baby, hes not stupid, he knows its Daddys baby. Apparently that night he kept crying and was really quiet. He also kept asking if Daddy was at home because he didnt want him to be at home (this killed me coz i felt like he didnt want his daddy to be at home because i live there). Of corse my man is feeling so guilty. Hes doing as much as he can to secure his son. We both want him to be involved with our little one, and would love for him to see him as his little brother, but im not very hopeful this will happen. I feel a lot of heartache could have been avoided if my partners ex had just let us meet a little sooner. Then he wouldnt have to deal with so much in one go. And its not like we havent supported them both. And i will be honest, i have no idea why she hates me so much. Surely theres more to it than im with her ex? Before we inherited a home, our rent used to be in arrears just so we could help her pay hers. We thought hers was more important, she has a child. And its not like we are made of money, i just do shop work and my partner was unemployed at the time. So it was just my money going to her. I couldnt say no now could i? A little boys home was a stake!

I dont really know what I'm asking here, if anything, Ive spent ages typing this and im sure its a long, confussing read. Im just trying to bottle up my feelings atm as my feelings arent the most important ones involved in all this. Its 1:11am, its officially 28 weeks down for me. I cant wait to meet my little man, its the one thing getting me through atm. has anyone been in a similar situation? how did it work out for you? how on earth did u cope with the hormones aswell???? Am i doing the right thing??? Sorry for the massive post, i just had to try and explain things a bit. Thanx in advance for any replys the main reason i posted this as i have no one to talk to about this, all my freinds are working or having fun and dont really have the time. I do believe it always helps to share!

[littlebean]

My partner has three kids from a past relationship & although it doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as what's been happening with you things haven't been easy, his youngest is 6 aswell & his mother tried to turn them against both of us when she found out I was expecting, again they've been separated along time & we have supported her financially so it was hard for us to take, all I can say is you have to give it time, kids will bounce back. Whether his mother is happy or not your ex is going to have to talk to his little boy about this, firstly explain that sometimes a mummy & daddy don't love each other anymore but that doesn't mean they don't love him & that he does love you & that this baby will be his brother. I found it great to get my exes youngest involved by asking him to help make lists of what we need for the baby & help me pick stuff for it, he ended up excited by it. It's not easy but small steps & he will come round & your ex is going to have to talk to him properly, you would be amazed what kids ca n get there head around, in my case he understands now that just cos daddy is going to have another baby doesn't mean he loves him any less. Good luck & take care of yourself x

[jubbly in reply to littlebean]

thanx for ur reply. My partner is having a father/son day today, and hopefully the lad will have some of his questions answered. i just dont want him hurting because of me! x

[Hidden]

Children are very literal they take things on face value but to me it sounds like his mother must of been saying things to him. ... because of her jealously and bitterness she has stopped u forging a relationship with her son and u sound lovely.. the day that he spent with u sounded a lovely day and that is all she should be worried about that u treat her so like u would treat ur own children.. ur partner should not feel bad as he sounds like he has done everything right. . When I split up with my daughters dad he met someone and she was ok with my daughters until she had her own children then she was awful to them but he never put them first either so they have grown up to hate her and they tell me they can't wait til they are older so they can really tell her how they feel...I can't understand how any woman can treat children like that she is a sad sad person but anyhow.... the main thing is that u carry on doing what ur doing the time u spend with him u have to explain he is always welcome and that he will have a little brother or sister and he will be the big brother and that is a very important position.. include him as much as possible... all him how he feels and that he can always ask u questions. . Just Make him feel as loved and as wanted as possible. If he is happy to do so include him as much as possible with baby preparations .. is very hard and worrying with his mother putting her poison into it she is to blame for him being upset not u guys. .. if a woman can say things like that about a coat hanger anda woman being pregnant well that just says it all to me u can only imagine what she is saying to her boy! Poor Child. .. he may want to love u but will she make that difficult for him? It's not going to be easy for u that's for sure but like I said all u can do is what ur doing and maybe someone should tell this woman about herself! Good Luck I hope everything works out...xx

[jubbly in reply to Hidden]

i would like to believe that the mother is letting her son make his own mind up but Im not 100% sure. what you said about ur daughters dad, u done the best thing and at least gave them a chance. Their loss at the end of the day. I just wish i had a proper chance. I see my sisters boys going off staying with their dad all the time (where they have a Half sister) and wish we could have my partners boy to stay with us. And if i ever got the chance to involve my partners son, i would, i know what its like to be the older sibling with different mothers. And to this day, wish i was closer to my siblings. I just want him to know that we all care for him very much and just want him to be happy. Fingers crossed he comes around! thanks for replying Babymother x

[Alex1tuck]

Hi it's good to read ur post because my partner has a little girl who will be 6 this month, I'm currently 15weeks and we have not mentioned anything to her yet.

I must admit I've not had it as hard as you me & my partner got together when she was just 8months old, we have been together 5yrs now. When we first got together I was not alowed anywhere near her which I understood, if we were not together long she did not want women in & out of her daughters life, but after about 2years I started seeing her regularly. But being as my partner practically has her 50:50, 3 or 4 nights a week and we are renting a house together it would not be practical if I was not allowed to see her, the first two years were hard enough as I hardly got to see my partner. But I can't imagine how my partners ex is going to react to finding out, I know its going to be difficult, but I agree with above posts main thing is to keep her involved, not let her feel pushed out. I'm sure he will come around to u, although I know how easily influenced a 6 yr old is, but maybe ur partner should have a word wi his ex if its causing problems to his son, she is obviously saying things which are upsetting him and that is totally unacceptable. Best if luck anyway xx

[jubbly in reply to Alex1tuck]

I totally agree, at the beginning of our relationship, i didnt expect to be involved just in case it didnt work out. my partner and his ex wernt together long when she fell pregnant. about...2/3 months? and by the time he was 1, they had split up. It was best for all involved as they argued a lot and quite badly. a few months later we started seeing eachother and like i said; just wanted to see if things got better in time. The funny thing is, even though i wasnt aloud to be involved just incase we didnt work out, she involved a man who got rather close to my partners little boy. My partner didnt understand how he was aloud near him but i wasnt, especially when his ex was 'the other woman'. he already had a girlfriend, and even during her fling with this man, she thought she was pregnant again. what was most annoying was me and my partner had a more serious relationship than what they had and had more chance of making it due to being completely exclusive to eachother, but still, i wasnt aloud near him. She has been absolutely revolting towards me over the years and ive just had to take it as it was for the greater good. I dont wish this situation upon anyone, especially anyone whos pregnant. Thanks for the luck, Im gonna need it!!! and good luck at ur end too!! its so hard x

[Finemama]

Unfortunately I have a similar experience to you and went down the same route, being friendly to the ex hoping we all could get along, especially for the children's sake. Now I am wiser after a few years, I was in la la land.

Whatever you do she will not appreciate it, I use to buy my ex's girlfriend a birthday, xmas pressie. I d=know its the other way around for us, but we are both nice people, aka a peoples person, but these other ladies are not ladies, they are bitter, jealous, minipulative and jealous.

She said awful things about you when you got pregnant, it shows what a nasty piece of work she is. She will use her son to get at your partner, she will be obsessed with you to talk about you in a negative way with no regards for her son. If she was she would meet you invite you in for tea, I wanted that but it didn't happen. She is just for herself and nobody else.

You will have to switch off, turn away from her negativity, she is hoping as her son is not spending time with you it will cause you and your partner to argue. Her son will always want them back together, mine want us to be back together, they are children and its natural.

You are having a baby, think of the positives and surround yourself with nice people. You will be silly to waste your time thinking of a horrible bitter person. He son will need counceling and it will be down to her making it harder for him to adjust. The real truth is she need she needs the councelling.

I am going to give you words of wisdom here from experience. Your baby comes first and so does your wellbeing, remember that. People will take advantage and take you for granted so don't do that again. You need money for your baby, your partner doesn't know if he is coming or going, you need to step away from that and not get involved with it. He needs to realise she is playing him, but when your in the situation it is very hard.

The only way around this is to let go of thinking about this woman and have your thoughts move to happy thoughts. Your baby will be feeling your emotions and that is not fair to your baby.

Good luck.

Lolly mama

[Lillimilli]

I know that you posted this a while back, but I just wanted to thank you. I’m in a committed relationship and my partner has a child from a previous relationship who just turned 1. Their relationship ended while she was pregnant, and ended badly. A year on and she doesn’t want to meet me or let their child meet me, which at this point I can understand. But I am wanting a future and a family with my partner, and am terrified how this is going to play out in the long run, particularly when we do start a family. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and if you’re still around; how did everything turn out?

x

[Sisi14 in reply to Lillimilli]

Hi Hun just seen your post. Does your partner see his child on his own weekly?

Have you been with your partner for 12 months ? Xx

[jubbly in reply to Lillimilli]

Hi, glad my post has helped in some sort of way, it hasn’t been easy and, if you follow my profile you will notice I’ve had another child since I wrote this. Thankfully things have improved slightly recently, but next month my partner and I will have been together 10 years, the pregnancy my original post is about is now nearly 5 years old 😂 (on Sunday and my daughter is 3 next Tuesday) but like u say, even though it’s been a decade, things are still quite the same. It’s only improved recently due to his ex getting a boyfriend...that’s a whole other sticky situation...basically she’s now dating my partners old best friend, one he confided in about his troubles with his ex. It’s such a strange situation, but my partners eldest is now 11 and is asking to come see his siblings and it’s lovely! My children know who their brother is and love him so much! I wish u all the best in the future! Being step mum is hard but it is so worth it ❤️ Just remember it’s still early days, hopefully she isn’t as crazy as my partners ex for everyone’s sake x