Grumpy daddy and night feeds

[VloandKmp]

Hi all, I have my gorgeous 2 days old little girl now. She's amazing and daddy is helpful and playful during the day. When it's night time though and it comes to breastfeeding her, we have her in the bedroom with us in her Moses basket by my side of the bed. We have a nursery with her cot for when she's a bit bigger and a nursing/rocking chair and specific nursing pillow. When I'm too tired to get her out of basket and go to the other room to feed her I lie in bed with her. When I do this the crying and fussing she does before and after feeding and during the winding process wakes up daddy. He says to me tonight, what was the point of getting the feeding chair and pillow if your just going to feed her in the bed and if she is sick in the bed you'll have to sleep in it cos I'm not getting up to change the whole bedding in the middle of the night. I feel like I've been exiled from the bedroom. He thinks I gave the energy to leave the room with her every hour and a half when she wants feeding and winding just because it wakes him up. He's doing this even though he won't be working for the next two days. I had a long nap in the daytime with her so ideally be a little more awake when she needed me but he stayed up till late and then complains that he can't sleep. I feel like crying and telling him off or just setting up my own little cave in baby's room with her and Moses basket and just leave him to it. Am I being harsh by wanting a little more support like I don't know ... A cuddle and do you need anything? When she cries instead of this I can't sleep and the statement about not using the facilities we have and it's not about money as the chair was a gift and the pillow was only £20.00. sorry to rant but I feel so abandoned by him at night time

[roxannacar]

Congratulations firstly! The first few days/weeks are hardest in terms of tiredness as babies feed all the time!

Honestly I would probably be in tears if hubby did that to me... you are exhausted too and let's admit it you were the one who had to give birth (no easy feat!)

Firstly definitely rest as much as you can during the day... take any offer for any help, and ask for help if that's an option. Forget about cleaning for a few days, bare minimum! (I would feel I achieved the world when I showered!)

You could ask if he'll help you with night feeds (to know how hard it is at least) if you're happy to express/mix feed... however if you want to breastfeed I wouldn't start mix feeding as yet as this might reduce your milk supply so early on.

Do you have a sofa bed/spare room/inflatable bed? Hubby never complained but sometimes sneaked off to the spare bedroom when he was working day after. You can suggest hubby also has naps during the day when possible.

It really is hard but it will get better, but in the mean time I would try and explain that you are struggling.

[VloandKmp in reply to roxannacar]

Thankyou. At finish up I went and slept on the sofa bed (yes we have one :). ) he's great in the day just really grumpy and said I should be using the nursing chair and pillow we have in the other room but what he doesn't realize is the effort it takes to get up and go to the other room feed and wind and sometimes change nappy and then come back to bed. Even getting in and out of bed wakes him up so how is that any better? The baby cries and that wakes him up before I start feeding etc anyway. It's really good to have a forum to chat to other mums/ prospective mums I think I'd go no kers if I had to sit there and try to explain it all to him. I cried yesterday cos she wouldn't wind and then was sick all over herself instead precious colostrum food not being eaten I was so worried he just said you've got baby blues and gave her a cuddle. I wanted a cuddle but it only get cuddles when I initiate them he rarely cuddles me without a suggestive body movement or cue from me.

[roxannacar in reply to VloandKmp]

Hmm I reckon he should go in the sofa bed and you and baby get the bedroom! Only fair in terms of numbers 2 vs 1 😊

[annajordan]

Hi,

Congrats! Welcome to motherhood, assuming your daughter is your 1st. 😊

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time at night. I have a 11mth old son and remember the early days of night feeds well! 😭. We did combination feeding, and I expressed milk, as it took about 6wks before my baby and I managed to get breast feeding to work. Also sometimes he wanted top up and sometimes I gave him formula for convenience, and it importantly meant I could get some more sleep!

My husband and I definitely were often quite short tempered with each other cos of the lack of sleep.

We fortunately have a bed in our son's room, so I just used to sleep in there with our son for the first six mths, so I could do the night feeds. My husband works full time, but stays up quite late, so he would do the late night feeds until about midnight. Then I would get up in the night/early am.

We found this worked well for us. Occasionally, if I was really tired my husband would do 1 night feed.

So my husband was generally supportive with the night feeds and everything, as he should be, so I was lucky.

But sometimes, if I was feeling really tired and exhausted, I would wake my husband up if I couldn't get my son to go back to sleep, as we used to often rock him to sleep in his bouncy chair, then put him in his cot once he was asleep and my husband was better at rocking then me! Then my husband would moan at me for waking him up in the night, especially when he was working!

I think your husband should try and be more sympathetic, understanding and loving regarding your issues with nightfeeds, but it is difficult with a little one, especially when they only sleep for short periods and need regular feeding.

Try to talk to your husband and see if you can work something out.

It will get better! Hang on in there.

Let us know how it goes.

Kind regards

Anna

[VloandKmp in reply to annajordan]

It is my first yes and although we're not married I would like to be when I first found out I was pregnant he was really panicky and said we can't have this baby we can't afford it, it's not the right time etc. I was really upset and we nearly broke up over it I insisted he do it with or I do it on my own as he had said he didn't want to be a dad right now.he did want kids but later on he's 33! And I'm 26. Were not babies ourselves and it really hurt that he thought we could just (get rid of it )

[annajordan in reply to VloandKmp]

Hi,

Hope you're ok.

I think your 20's is a good time to have children, if your situation allows.

We found the first couple of mths with our son particularly difficult, with the very regular feeding, night feeds, lack of sleep and being new parents. Fortunately, we did have some grandparent help!

I live near Milton Keynes. What part of the UK do you live, if you don't mind me asking?

Best wishes,

Anna

[VloandKmp in reply to annajordan]

Were in Cheshire. It's a bit easier today. I expressed a 110ml bottle and put it in the fridge I slept in the day for about 4 hours and oh did all her care in that time. I feel much better, he realises the daunting feeling of doing so much and being so tired. This is good for now but I won't be able to do the long nap in the day when he's at work. Were working better as a team now as my mum spoke to us both on my behalf. I was anxious about if I was doing it all right and that she was maybe getting less than she needs but now we know she takes about 50ml. I was being possessive of her and was a bit unsure of oh's ability to care for her. Now I know he's great with her and my anxiety is lower and so is her screaming. I think I was making her stressed by my own stress. Hopefully next few days will be better.

[annajordan in reply to VloandKmp]

That's good. Myself and all the other mums I know with newborns say its tough when their partners go back to work. But we all got used to it . Also as you know she will take more and sleep for longer as she gets older.

Also your body is still recovering from pregnancy and birth. I had some

complications with the birth and afterwards, but I think it took me atleast 1mth till I felt my body had recovered.

Try and be kind to your back as well as having a little one puts alot of strain on your back and according to my yoga teacher pregnancy loosens all your muscles and means your muscles are weaker and your more likely to get a back injury/muscle ache. Breast feeding also strains your back as mums tend to hunch their backs when breastfeeding. So make sure your nice and comfortable with pillows etc. when you breast feed.

Hope you can get some more good rest.

Take care and enjoy being a mum.

Keep in touch, if you want.

A

[Hidden]

Congratulations on your baby, it’s hard adjusting to a newborn especially through the night for both of you it’s extremely tiring especially breastfeeding it’s super hard. Breastfeeding in bed is encouraged so your both comfortable when your tired. It’s only day 2 your partner has years for broken sleep ahead of him but he has the easy job he can go back to sleep where you have to be fully awake and feed and he should realise that and be supportive, tell him!

I mean you could switch to bottle feeding and he could have the night feeds a couple of nights a week and go sit it the other room. I’d be furious he’d had to go find somewhere else to sleep in my house if he didn’t like it.

[Lyndsaytw79 in reply to Hidden]

Totally agree gcs104

[Lyndsaytw79]

He needs to understand that he can’t cherry pick and just choose the nice bits during the day and you get to deal with all the hard bits. Why should you have to leave the room?! I had a next to me crib that joined my bed and as soon as baby started to stir would just put him next to me side by side facing and breatfeed him that way.

You need his support right now and his understanding and reassurance that you’re doing a great job.

Nap during the day when baby naps, don’t be running around trying to clean, and eat and keep yourself hydrated. Once you have established a little routine then you can start to do bits around the house but for now all that can wait.

Try to enjoy this time because it’s so precious and goes by SO quickly. Congratulations and well done to you xx

[Kate91]

Seriously I'd say something about how you need his support or at the very least don't need his complaints. If baby is waking him up in night and he isn't willing to help then tell him to sleep on sofa why should you leave the comfort of your room when you are doing all the hard work. He could at least ask if you need a drink or anything or anything for baby like nappies or clean clothes. He gets to go back to sleep as soon as. You don't. She's his child as well that doesn't just mean when the sun is up it's 24/7 365 days a year

[VloandKmp in reply to Kate91]

I got my mum to talk to us both and offer advice. She said express and he can do some feeds too. Then at least you can get some sleep too

[Hidden]

Hi hun.

Congrats with your newborn.

I cannot imagine how difficult it is to deal with complaints when you are sleep deprived. And going into another room to feed is ridiculous even if you have the most comfy feeding chair on the planet. For night feeds you have to try to move as little as possible, either sitting on the edge of bed with cot right in front of you (just a bit of space for your legs)or laying down, so you can go back to sleep right after your baby sleeps off. And t your other half, I wouldn't take any moaning,,if he doesn't like it, he can go and sleep in other room.

[PoppyC38]

Congratulations! You are in most definitely the toughest phase, but trust me it’ll be over before you know it. My little boy is 4 months old now. I have never fed him anywhere other than in bed the whole time. Youll use the chair once she’s older and in her own room for night feeds. Maybe if your partner is struggling to sleep suggest that he spends every other night in a different room? It’s tough for both of you, but you’re the one who is up basically all night feeding and they aren’t quick at that age. My son takes 10 minutes generally to feed now, it gets better quickly. Xx