Relationship after birth

[Mama_Prawn]

Hi mamas,

I had my little one 8 weeks ago. My husband has been fully supportive and helping out a lot with chores and baby care. However, I feel like we have not been close or don’t have much grown up time. Maybe hormonal of me or maybe he’s respecting the fact that my body is still healing (I had a c section). I’m not talking about sex alone but cuddles and kisses, grown up talks ... he doesn’t seem to initiate them as he used to. We take shifts at night sleeping and looking after the little one so doesn’t help that we don’t sleep in the same bed. As the result as well as the stress and exhaustion, i feel quite lonely and sometimes short tempered towards him which in turn doesn’t help us getting close. So I’m physically and emotionally drained.

How have you found your relationship changed after childbirth? Particularly for those first time mums? And if yours has improved after a period of time, how long did things take to settle and get into a new routine?

[MissSaoPaulo]

Well, you don't actively hate each other at this point, so I'd say your relationship is doing really well!!!Would it help you to know this feeling is really common? New babies are notoriously bad for relationships, for all the reasons you've mentioned - hormones, healing body, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, being on the steepest learning curve of your life and suddenly the stakes are higher than they've ever been...

You guys don't sound like you're doing too bad to be honest. Like with everything else, communication is key, so talk about it. He's probably feeling the same, but thinks you're fine with the way things are.

I really recommend having a listen to the Michelle Obama podcast episode about marriage. She talks about the effect having kids on the marriage and it was such a relief to me hearing her articulate exactly how I was feeling about my relationship and that it didn't mean we were broken.

It sounds like you're a great team, so you've got this xxx

[Mama_Prawn in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Thank you for taking time to reply. It’s such a relief to read that it’s very common!!We had a few days this last week snaring at each other all every day and me going to bed in tears to top up all the hard work with the baby. We talked but bordering arguing our issues last night and again I broke down in tears because of the frustration and ended up with us promising that we try to do better at our issues. At some point I feel like giving up at trying to fix our relationship as I’m really exhausted physically and emotionally to give anymore but other times I tell myself I have to try harder for my little one.

Part of how I’m feeling is that all we talk about is baby related, I don’t feel like he cares for me and how I’m feeling. Then I feel like such a bad mother to think like that and it makes me feel worse 😩

I’ll look up Michelle Obama’s podcast on this . Has your relationship improved since? And how long did that take? I know everyone and every relationship are different but just want to get an idea of how long this could likely go on for. Thank you for listening to my rant! Xx

[MissSaoPaulo in reply to Mama_Prawn]

I wish I had all the answers hon!! It does get easier though, I think when you start to get into a routine with the baby that gives you some breathing space. Someone below mentioned 4 months and I think it was also around then that our little one started sleeping for quite long stretches during the night which helped!!I think the most important thing is not to let resentment build up, that will just poison your relationship.

Good luck with it. I think your little team is going to be just fine!!

[Blugoo1220]

My little boy is 5.5 months and I'm a ftm (oh has 2 kids though) and I literally had a chat with my OH last night before he went into the other room to sleep (he snores real bad and it tends to wake our boy when he's on the boob, so easier for all of us if he sleeps elsewhere some nights)I was saying how I miss us having our own 1 on 1 time, like even cuddles on the sofa and the odd cheeky long kiss etc, not so much the sex as I am very hit and miss mood wise and as much as I would like to try, when we finally get time when baby is asleep and not on the boob or having cuddles with Daddy, we are both shattered and I value my sleep above getting intamate right now (we've had sex once since lo was born, and when he did try to initiate a couple times, I had a bit of a meltdown about my body and how its changed etc )

OH was so understanding and assured me that we will get there but LO takes up so much of our time right now that we just have to relax if we aren't getting that time. I adore seeing him with our boy and tbh I'd watch them together all day if I could so I know it is hard missing the old times in regards to the relationship you had, but in many ways I feel so much more intimatebandnin love but in a new way since seeing him as a dad to our boy. His girls are 12 and 15 and I never saw them as babies as only been together 2 yrs, so it's a new side of him I'm seeing.

I think asong as you both talk about how you're feeling then things will be okay, and it felt good telling him I missed him and let's him know he's still wanted and loved even through all this crazyness of sleepless nights and raging hormones.

Ive snapped plenty of times at him when I've been so tired and told him to go to other room to sleep as he's waking me and the baby up, then cried as he's not with me for the night again and I feel lonely, so yeah the first few months are hard at times, but communication is key.

Work as a team and you'll get through this and even if it's catching a longer kiss before bed or a hug whilst passing in the room, take the little things and embrace them.

Essay over and out 😂 xx

[Lydialego123]

I’ve got a 6 month old and weeks 8-12 were really hard on our relationship. You are both trying to settle into a new life which evolves around your baby instead of you as a couple which it always has before.

I’d recommend talking about it if you can, but also knowing it does get better. Around 4 months our little one settles into a much better routine for sleeping and we got out evenings back, so could watch a movie together or even just do something each of us enjoyed on our own (I like a nice bath) then you are in a much better mood yourself.

I spoke to a friend about it when things weren’t great and she said it had been the same for her and her husband so it’s definitely a normal part of becoming new parents xxx

[Mama_Prawn]

Thank you ladies! It’s so great and reassuring to hear others experience! Yeah I told him last night that we needed more time to talk so let’s see. And as Blugoo1220 said, I’ll have to learn to be ok with not getting that time. Hopefully this difficult time will pass and we’ll be able to catch little gestures first if we don’t have full on time to be together.

[Keepingfaith85]

There's a postpartum pack that has a great section on this (and all things fourth trimester) which I found really useful. You do have to buy it but sometimes it's on offer: thepositivebirthcompany.co....

I have a 9 week old and we've been doing the same as you sleeping in different rooms, taking shifts in looking after him so I can get at least 4 hours uninterrupted sleep and my hubby works from home so it's challenging as he's here but not here. It feels a bit lonely to be honest and it's easy to feel resentful sometimes but I realise that he's also being a brilliant dad and he's doing everything he can. I think it will get easier in time and I'm hoping that time off over Christmas will give us more time together xx

[Mama_Prawn in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Thank you! Thats exactly how I feel! I’m soo glad I’m not alone. I’m afraid to talk to other girl friends as most of them haven’t had kids (divorced or struggling with fertility issues) or are single mums. So I feel like my situation is already much better to them and therefore I have no right to complain. This makes me even lonelier! I’m glad I could discuss things on this board! And yes hopefully after this week( my OH will be off work (and he’s wfh too) and we’ll have more time together and with our baby. Xx

[Mama_Prawn]

My issue (which is no longer an issue as I’m coming round to accepting it after reading your posts here) is also that when we do have ‘free’ time I.e. when baby behaves and other chores follow the logic routine to free us up for an hour or so in the evening. He would rather sit in front of the TV and scrolling on Facebook. He said he needs to relax from work. Now I know we all need our time ... which in my view, he could have still and can fit in 30-45 mins to spend with me. That upsets me! It’s like only me needs to have our relationship back and he is happy the way it is (we not spending anytime together). Do you have similar situations sometime?

[Hidden]

I think everything you saying is normal just have to make that little extra time even tho your both probably shattered, I can understand him just wanting to chill watching tv can you not just sit with him and hold his hand make that contact, a quick butt grope while hes washing dishes etc lol Go for walks at the weekend together chatting I know there not much we can do being covid restricted and its dark early. I've got older kids we've always had to make time as a couple as they were 9+7 when I met him they're now nearly 15+13 so it is alot easier but we have a baby on the way so its all going to change again.