Baby blues, breastfeeding and no support PART 2

[Shaky27]

Hi mummys

I’m sorry to come back again with my story but this is the only place where I can talk about it “to someone” really...

My breastfeeding looks ok, baby is taking weight but not enough so we adjust the frequency to every 2hours and try other position. So sweet as my LB seems to understood the conversation with the HV because he straight woke up every 2h max... except during the night sometimes 3h 🥰.

Hubby is now sleeping in the sofa since few days blaming me because he said “he doesn’t want to disturb me since I don’t want to be touched”.. The truth is that he can’t stop to hugs and kisses at all so he prefer not to give me any affection to avoid a “NO” when it goes further. This is affecting me because I need love hugs and support from my hubby and I don’t get it.

Also he is reproaching me to be in a bubble with my LB and I don’t take care of the 2 olders and him and the house. Which is wrong as I am the one who wakes up in the morning to prepare my kids for school (after almost no sleep more than an hour every 2hours ! ) and the one who is handling everything regarding school (since always) making sure hot meals are paid, uniforms and homework etc... and spending all my time with them. And I don’t complain about that since I love being mum.

Regarding the household, well I’m doing what I can when I can, with the help of the kids ... as I’m trying to recovering still ! And his words are making me cry and hurt me a lot as it’s not fair. And he is doing things that hurt me on purpose “to make me react” as he said... because he knows I’m a very sensitive woman 😞.

And before having baby3 he changed positively and radically so I finally decided to have baby 3... and I don’t regret at all and I’m grateful my LB is here since I always wanted a third child.

Now I’m thinking of ending this because our relationship issue is not new... he always makes me feel so down when he’s not getting enough sex or affection from me. But I’m not a robot !!! we always argue so he through me such bad words and comments that I lost confidence In myself and in him! ... I stayed for the children and because I fight to make things works but now I’m tired and don’t want to suffer anymore, but I feel so bad and selfish to be the one who break the family ... and feel like I failed after 13 years wedding and 3 children! I was always supporting him, handle the family when he always quite his job when something is not going as he likes (and I have the pressure to keep mine no matter what happens in my work) so above all that we are struggling financially because of him.

I’m a fighter and usually a strong woman but now I’m sinking and get lost.

Thank you for reading all this long story 😘

[lcheckley]

Keep strong beautiful and remember your doing an amazing job! Take time for yourself and find other support methods. Have you got any baby groups you could go to or other family to talk to? Sometimes just talking helps. ❤

[Shaky27 in reply to lcheckley]

Thanks . Yes I will try to find something to do or somewhere to go to with baby. And it makes me feels good to talk here...

[laurafig]

Your husband sounds like a very old fashioned man and I struggle to to understand how he isn’t more support and seemingly thinking for himself only when you have so much to do.

My only advice would be that you are number 1 and you need to look after yourself first so you can be there for the rest of your family. In my opinion your husband needs a wake up call. Pull his weight or move on.

[Shaky27 in reply to laurafig]

Yes Thanks for reminding me, I will try to focus on myself and not paying attention to what he’s saying about me. It’s very hard on a day to day basis when the kids are gone to school and we are just both with baby home...until he goes to work.

A wake up call? Like what or how...

[Georgielouise]

So sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Men tend to act like that when they are sulking, he obviously wants your attention and thats his way of getting it , bit like a child I am afraid, acting up and upsetting you as its the only way to get you to take notice maybe. Absolutely the wrong way of doing it but men don't tend to understand what a woman really needs. Unless you are very lucky and get a sensitive man. I think you both need to take some time out for yourselves. Get someone to have the kids, doesn't have to be the evening you could go out on a Sunday, thats what me and my husband do occasionally. We go to the cinema, have a meal somewhere. Gives you a chance to talk and he would get all your attention. I don't have sex with my husband as am pregnant and don't want to risk bleeding as am re negative so therefore would need anti d injections if I did bleed and would have to go all the way to hospital. Plus I find it very uncomfortable at the moment so not really feeling in the mood. My husband never bothers me and is very understanding, I think am very lucky that he is this way.

I hope things get better.x

[Shaky27 in reply to Georgielouise]

Well a few days ago I asked to have a conversation and he replied aggressively what for?!” And I said because this situation is hurting me and he said no need!

Then yesterday evening he decided te argue with me by message. Where he was accusing me of not loving him and then he was saying he is a loser and that I deserve a better person blablabla... and all of a sudden he changes back to blaming me and so on.... so finally we had the conversation pfff but at some point I wanted a face to face... so I went downstairs after breastfeeding baby but he was really in bad faith and very aggressive and angry. To sum up he wants to leave us but doesn’t assume so just saying I deserve better man who respect me blablabla.

I’m hurted and Very disappointed as it’s impossible to have a sincere and honest conversation with him. He just has contradicted arguments and dies not recognise anything.. just very ironic 😓

[Georgielouise]

Oh no, he doesn't sound like he is very easy to live with. You sound like you are trying very hard and being very patient. I hate to say but if that was me I would just tell him to go, obviously I don't know how you feel and I can't tell you thats what you should do but personally I wouldn't put up with it. Its not good to argue around children either or have a bad atmosphere as they do pick up on it and it can effect them so you need to think about what is best for the children and of course yourself. Its no life being like that with each other , it sounds like it could turn nasty and you don't want to be in that situation.

x

[Shaky27 in reply to Georgielouise]

I try to be strong but I can’t stop crying ...and try not to do it in front of the children. I know they feel it but I can’t do anything for now. He’s playing with my feelings and I have already beg him not to do it because I’m breastfeeding and trying to recovering from my c section... and yes at this point I just want him to leave ASAP because this is not supportable anymore for me. But I’m afraid if I tell him that the situation is going to be worst at home so I don’t know what to do. I have no family here and no physical friends really ...

Finally I realise that I was completely wrong about him and not sure how he will react if I ask him to leave right now. Because the few times he did this threaten I always calmed him apologised so things are back to “peace “ and tried to make things work . But this time I can’t anymore.

Thanks for listening to me ...

[Georgielouise]

You are very welcome, I am sorry I can't help more. I was in a bad relationship when I had my first baby and sometimes it got violent and I left. My husband at the time wanted to be back with me and I got back together with him and things were never great and years later we split up when my daughter was 6. He strangled me and was abusive but I managed to leave. I started again and brought my daughter up for years on my own, remarried when she was about 15. I now have a 2 year old and one baby on the way with my new husband. We never argue, just have little disagreements here and there but thats normal, and we never shout. My little girl would be distraught I think if we were to argue , she isn't use to anything like that. But obviously my elder daughter saw and heard a lot, but saying that she turned out good with a good head on her shoulders.

I hope you can work things out and get help if it gets violent or things get too much, all the best x

[Shaky27 in reply to Georgielouise]

Aww many thanks for sharing your experience. And you taking time to listen to me and giving advice and sharing is already helping me a lot.

I hope he won’t never get violent and I hope he will leave very soon and that we can find arrangement like human for the children. Unfortunately I don’t believe in our couple anymore and I don’t want this emotional threatening anymore as it is destroying me.

I’m happy you could get out of your previous and bad relationship, and that you are now very happy and your daughter got on the good path 🥰

Xoxoxo

[Georgielouise]

Thank you, sending lots of hugs to you xoxo

[Switchfootfan200]

Firstly I'm very sorry it's been like this for you. Secondly, if he's not making time for you guys to have a talk could you take a break? Do you have a friend or relative you could spend some time away with temporary? Or write him a letter explaining how you feel and how you feel he's failed you and what he could do to make it better? Sometimes it does them good to know how serious of a consequence their actions will have. If you do split up will everything work out for you regarding your children? Have you thought about what measures to put in place. I hope things work out for you and I want you to know that you are a good mother and the fact that you are still there for your family is a reflection of your character.

[Shaky27 in reply to Switchfootfan200]

Thank you for encouraging. No I have nobody that close to go to...

Today we could had a civilised conversation... because he saw me very poorly and struggling to breastfeed.... not a monologue of him complaining about me and how bad wife I am.

So basically I understood that the only solution here for me for now is to forget about how tired I am or how “not interested” i am... and just give him a lots of attention, hugs kiss and so on (but not sex since he finally understood or accept that I CAN’T!!!)

He is very clumsy about his way of calling my attention, and hopefully he won’t act the same way again. It might be stupid from me to accept his apologies but I feel like I still need to fight for my children and my family... as I don’t hate him yet. Because he really hurted me.

Even though I feel a bit lost about my feeling for him (still in love or just the habit to be with him) now it’s a bad timing for adding complications in my life. (Separation cop with legal fight and so on) I would like to enjoy my maternity leave the way it should be. Recover correctly and then eventually work on myself to have the desire back ....