I am anxious

[Finemama]

I am 44 years old and found out yesterday I am pregnant. My partner 45yrs together for four years has been pushing for me to have a baby, he will be very happy and his family. But, I already have three boys from my ex partner of twenty three years, ages 11yrs, 12yrs and 14 yrs. Two of them have ADHD, and one with defiance disorder, my 14yrs old have the awful teenager attitude, and instigates arguments with his brothers. My family won't be happy and will tell me I am mad and I think that it is true. I am on anti depressants and now I may have to stop taking them.

I haven't told anyone so I can think to myself, this morning before my eldest left for school he asked me "Mum we are doing abortion at school, what do you think of it?" I thought it was a normal question but a coincidence. I replied it was a difficult subject and one that has been argued for many years and will be argued for may years to come. When he left I spotted my bag was in the hall, I thought my bag was hidden in my bedroom. He had asked me for money and I had said no, he obviously went into my bag to take money out of it and seen the pregnancy test.

I feel for some silly reason I wanted to keep it to my secret so I can get my head around it and not have a whirlwind of people mixed opinions. I am also scared my relationship won't work and I will be a single mother again. My previous partner left me as he was contacting another woman and said I had changed since my aunt had dies. She had hied of motor nurones disease and she was like my mother. I was at her side all the way through until she died. It hit me very hard when she passed away and I went on automatic for the children, but my affections for my partner in bed had frozen.

My partner of 45years old is a dreamer and I don't think he really knows how difficult life is with children. He says he always had a little bit of him thinking if he had a baby he would want a girl to take out to the restaurant.... it is worrying I know. He never wanted a baby before me, we were friends for eight years before so I knew. But now he is desperate, but I think that is because he is insecure and worried I will go back to my ex. He says it is not, but also says I must love my ex more as I gave him three children. And he will be paying bills for my children not his, and he in the past said my children were his and proud but they are not.

We have parted as I feel he wants a baby because he in embarrassed being with a single mother of three kids that are not his. I have my own home, happy working and independant, I am worried if we live together he will be saying he is paying the bills over and over, because of his past comment. I have told him I will still work if I was pregnant and will be paying the bills too. He would rather I stayed at home and relied on him, as well as thinking every man fancies me which is ridiculous. And I have told him I am not going to feed his insecurity that I will feel trapped and I have to work to feel me. I only work at weekends when the children are with their father, and said he would have to look after the baby when I am at work, He said in the past he would, but I think he wouldn't when it came to it.

I also have on my mind my eldest son who has gone to school with this on his mind, it is a heavy burden to have on your mind as a child. I feel sorry for him and thought about phoning the school and asking him to come home so I can talk to him. Talk to him I have been telling him off soo much as he has stolen over two thousand pounds out of my bank account doing on line games. And also pinching from my purse and doing that still today!

So here I am asking you your opinion and typing sooo much when I thought I was typing a few lines.! Maybe I am doing this in fear my friends and family will tell me "Oh no" as they think my partner wants me cut from them, which I think is true. I have said this to him in the past and he denies it. I have told him if we had a baby I need my friends and family more and I will not change, as I am a peoples person.

So you can see why I am anxious and fearful of being a single mum of four FOUR kids!!!!!! I think I would have a nervous breakdown, so much responsibility!! My three are getting older and I am having a bit more freedom, but now having a baby it will be back to square one and worried I will feel trapped.

I don't think many people will read all of this, which is understandable there is so much of it! And I hope to the mothers who have, I am so sorry if I have depressed you in any way. Our hormones are going everywhere. I thought as you get older it is harder to get pregnant, I thought I wouldn't get pregnant as I missed the pill a few times sigh.

Lollymama signing out and still trying to comprehend my situation sigh.

[2princes1princess]

Hi there, I'm so.sorry to hear how anxious you are. I'm guessing becoming pregnant was a bit of a surprise? Is there a close friend or family member you could talk all this through with who won't judge your situation? I totally understand why you are unsure of this pregnancy with everything you have mentioned but I believe things happen for a reason, I'm sorry I can't offer more than this but I wish you the best of luck with whichever journey you go down xxx

[Jennie1987]

Poor you, what a tough decision and life at the moment. There are plenty of trained professionals out there who would be so much better placed than us to help you work out this decision-I went to a life coach recently who was wonderful. Perhaps you could start with a family planning clinic or doctor who could put you in touch with someone who can talk through all your options? Someone totally unbias good luck and whatever you decide you will make it work xx

[LottyB]

Hi lovely, firstly I agree with the replies already given, a professional would probably be better placed to help, but here's what I think as well.

Regarding your anti-depressants, your midwife/ doctor will not take you off them if you still require them and with everything going on it sounds like you do. So don't worry about that. Also, there are support networks in place to help with your other children, ask your doctor to point you in the right direction as it sounds like you need that support.

Regarding what everyone else wants is nonsense, its your body, and your life, it is up to you, and if you think the baby will be used to score points by your partner then maybe he isn't mature enough to be a dad. We all know men never really grow up! 😊 that's not me saying to abort, I'm sure you would be a great single mum, but that's up to you whether you want to do that again.

I think I talk with your oldest son would be beneficial, he should be old enough to understand, and he may surprise you by offering you a sensible opinion. He would probably appreciate you being honest with him, and it may even help him grow up and start behaving a bit better.

Nobody can tell you what to do, I think you have probably already decided looking at your post. I wish you the best of luck in working it all out, I know it can't be easy. Big hugs. X

[claire16c]

All I'm going to add is please change your iPhone/pad password! For goodness sake don't be looking thousands on games when there is such a simple solution! X

[zuz78]

I am not sure if your new partner has children but i am guessing no. So obviously he would love to have them. You said you are 44 years old so you are very lucky to get pregnant naturally anyway. I am 36 and have 3 children with my exhusband I left him because of his violence. My new partner has 2 children living with him and and 3 all grown up. And we are expecting little boy this october. Not every child is the same and also it could be from your ex-partner side. You just dont know. And like somone else said things happens for a reason and maybe there is a very good reason why you are pregnant right now. Good luck and I hope you decide the right thing to do.x