28 weeks and anxious

[ThisIsUsRRR]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me as I have nothing to complain about! I work full time still from home. And for the last two years I also cared for my partner who had Long Covid which was very stressful, he relied on me for absolutely everything. 2 weeks ago he went back to work and is back to his old self which of course I am so happy about as he almost gave up and with the baby coming the financial pressure is off and most importantly he is well physically and mentally. But since then I’ve become extremely anxious. I’m 34 and 28 weeks with my first baby who was planned and something I’ve wanted for a long time. I still haven’t felt that connection people talk about (I don’t feel ecstatic but I also don’t feel down about it at all). I am worried the baby will change our great relationship (together 10 years just us) for the worse and he might want someone else which he assures me is ridiculous, and I’m worried now I won’t cope or bond with my son. I’ve lost all motivation with work and am getting behind because I just can’t be bothered. I just feel out of sorts and I don’t really feel like I can speak to my midwife because every time I have an appointment it’s someone different even though I’m meant to be part of the continuity team, and even if I did I wouldn’t know what to say because I just feel off. I’m very close to my family so it’s not like I should feel lonely or anything like that as I have support. I’m also worried I’m not making the most of my pregnancy whatever that means. I’m not explaining this very well as I don’t know what’s up! My partner left for work at 7am and I just feel sad now, it’s 9am and I’m about to start work (from home), and have no interest. Thank you

[Pasaeoco01]

Hey there, sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. WFH can be incredibly isolating and especially so when you don’t feel yourself.On reading your post it seems that you have several worries and anxieties and it’s difficult to identify the root cause of why you’re feeling this way.

I was interested to understand if these feelings have all come on suddenly since your husband returned to work or have they been festering for some time?

When you’re feeling down it’s really important not to cut yourself off from those you know whether it’s friends or family.

I appreciate you comments about the midwife but is there a friend, colleague or family member you could talk to about some of your feelings? Do you have any type of medical/health benefits through your work that provide mental health helplines?

I have also previously suffered with negative thoughts and worries which were difficult to make sense of so I started to write them all down. Once they were on paper it was easier to keep some perspective snd see which ones really were my mind in overdrive and identify those which were genuine worries.

In regard to WFH I have also experienced losing interest/motivation so you’re certainly not alone. I opened up to my boss about this who was incredibly supportive. I found when my concentration is poor making a list of 3 or 4 small tasks that need doing really helped to focus my mind. In the first instance just keep the tasks very small and only list a couple - try to do then one after the other but just in short bursts for say 30 mins before taking a break - get up walk around, go outside for fresh air and then start again,

Whatever you do, don’t suffer alone. There are so many people out there that can help you if you can be brave enough to ask xx

[ThisIsUsRRR in reply to Pasaeoco01]

I’m not sure if I replied to this particular post but thank you again. I actually spoke to my partner and was reassured again, as well as looking on a lot of forums it seems I’m not alone in how I was thinking. I’m 33 weeks now, how has that happened?! I’ve recently started to feel better and am just getting things ready. It also transpired I’m aneamic which wouldn’t have helped xxx

[Joxxjo]

This sounds exactly like pre natal depression. It's very common but not well heard of. Please do mention it to your midwife there's lots of help available. I found speaking to someone you don't know well can help actually. All my feelings came flooding out at an out of hours midwife appointment and she was very understanding and helped loads. If you leave it it can easily turn into post natal depression once you've had the baby and it will be much harder to deal with.. also now you've said the financial pressure is off could you not go part time or take some time off sick?

[ThisIsUsRRR in reply to Joxxjo]

Thank you for this. I actually took a week off and it really did help. Also found out I’m anaemic which wouldn’t have helped things at all! Feeling better 😊 I have met my ‘permanent’ midwife now too finally

[SRA8]

Just to say hi really.

Please reach out to your midwife or doctor for support. Pre and post natal depression needs support.

Unfortunately many of the things you are worrying about are possibilities.

It took me a while to bond with my son and I had a degree of post natal depression. Unfortunately it's not really talked about and was a bit of shock when I didnt have all these wonderful feeling come flooding in after birth. All this despite having a wonderful bond with my bump.

Just to say it does getting better. Please keep reaching out. Even if just on here keep talking to someone.

[ThisIsUsRRR in reply to SRA8]

Thank you. I finally have met my ‘permanent’ midwife and it turns out I’m also anaemic which wouldn’t have helped! I’ve also connected a little more with bump. I hope all is good with you

[Rosie2209]

Hi, I’m in a similar position to you. I’m 40 weeks pregnant today and have been feeling this way for the last 3 weeks. I feel like mine was also triggered by my partner returning to work after the school holidays. I am looking for constant reassurance that he isn’t going to leave me and I feel desperately upset that it’s not just the two of us anymore (we’ve been together 8 years). Talking about anything related to babies or children is giving me anxiety, to the point where I’m starting to feel resentful of this baby for changing my life. Fortunately I have a supportive family and partner, and I spoke to my midwife about how I am feeling which was a huge relief. I felt such guilt and shame (and still do) but knowing there is some support is keeping me going. I would recommend reaching out to someone you can trust, as going through this alone feels so isolating and scary. I really feel for you, it’s awful feeling this way- particularly when everyone constantly tells you how ‘exciting’ it all is! Take care x

[ThisIsUsRRR in reply to Rosie2209]

Our thoughts sounds identical! How are you? How is baby? I’m doing better. Especially after taking iron tablets too. I spoke to my partner more but of course he can only reassure me so much. I genuinely believe a lot of it is hormones and I got so fixated on our relationship. I’m busy getting things ready now so am more preoccupied x

[Rosie2209 in reply to ThisIsUsRRR]

Baby is 4 weeks old now and we’re doing well thanks! I’ll be honest, the first 2 weeks were tough- I was hoping once she was born I’d feel a rush of love and all the doubts would disappear, but I still felt exactly the same but magnified due to lack of sleep! I was so worried that I was going to feel like that forever, that I genuinely regretted having the baby and actually felt jealous of the relationship between her and my partner. But I had a lot of support from the health visitor and perinatal mental health services and by the time we got to week 3 it was like a switch- I suddenly felt acceptance of my ‘new life’. If anything I feel closer than ever to my partner, we now feel like an unstoppable team!

I’m glad the iron tablets are helping. I definitely think hormones play a big part! Whilst you may be absolutely fine once you have the baby, I just want you to know that even if you don’t it will pass! Sorry for the huge reply! X

[ThisIsUsRRR in reply to Rosie2209]

Oh I’m so so genuinely happy to hear that! ❤️ And I will definitely keep what you’ve said in mind. Good luck with everything x

[Bigblueskies]

What a lot of change and uncertainty you are dealing with! Planned and much wanted babies can bring so much joy but, like any big life change, they can also make us worry and feel sadness for all the things we might have to give up in this next stage of life. We grieve some of these things before we know what the joys we are gaining are!

Your baby is not here yet and it is very difficult to feel bonding with someone you haven’t met. Please don’t put such high expectations on yourself! All you need to do at this stage is wonder what that new baby will be like.

I totally empathise about the midwife conversations. It’s sad that maternity care is so impersonal by default. Please do ask for a referral to perinatal mental health. This is a service that should be supporting you through the pregnancy and after the birth, if you are facing such difficult feelings. It will make a world of difference having proper specialist support and someone to talk who understands.

Pregnancy and birth is a time of massive change in life, identity and relationships. A lot of feelings will come up. Your relationship with many people close to you might change but a lot of this change will be for the better. There is no bond more beautiful than two partners who created a baby together, as long as you can both grow through this together. It will be different but not necessarily worse.

I shared some of your feelings in my first pregnancy and, alongside perinatal mental health support, I found it helpful to get a doula and sign up to pregnancy yoga and NCT. It gave me a positive focus on the pregnancy and groups to belong to that felt supportive.

Big hug!

[ThisIsUsRRR in reply to Bigblueskies]

Thank you so much, this really did help. I’m doing better and taking iron tablets which seemed to have helped as I didn’t know I was anaemic. I am connecting a little more with bump and I know things will also change when he’s here for the better. I have finally met my ‘permanent’ midwife who is better and I’ve also been doing a mild 10 minute 3rd trimester on YouTube every couple of days x

[ThisIsUsRRR]

Hi everyone. I’m overwhelmed by the lovely responses 😢 But in a good way! How kind, I appreciate it so much and it has already made me feel better and less like there’s something wrong with me! I will most definitely be taking on board all of the advice and experience. Again, thank you so much

[Pasaeoco01 in reply to ThisIsUsRRR]

Ah it’s good to hear you’re feeling a little better. Take care and keep talking.