Counting down the weeks! Anyone else feeling edgy??

[Hughesie1206]

I'm 21weeks pregnant with a little boy, this is my 3rd pregnancy, I've got a 4 year old daughter and my son Tyler who was still born at 37 +5 in October, and I just can not relax and enjoy my pregnancy, the hospital I'm with this time are being brilliant and keeping a really close eye on me, they've given me all my appointments up until the end of July and already booked me in for an induction at 37weeks so I'm not going to be stressing getting to the duration that we lost Tyler but I still can not see myself leaving hospital with a baby at the end of this?? I'm even counting down the sleeps until this baby's out (it's 112 by the way) just to try and keep myself sane! Has anyone else felt like this? I know it may not be for the same reasons but would be nice to hear others experiences and how they managed to calm themselves?

[DrFluffy]

Aww hun, I can only imagine what you're going through.

At medical school I thought I wanted to be an obstetrician, and as such spent a lot of time doing study modules in perinatal pathology, I spent a total of 10 weeks working with the most awe inspiring paediatric pathologist (at this time still thought I was infertile, so had no idea of the knock on effects it would have 5-7 years down the line). I know that perinatal deaths are over represented when it comes to being under the tuition of one of the top pathologists in the country, at a tertiary referral centre, but I'm still acutely aware that there's a long way between now (31 weeks) and safe delivery, and anything could happen. My mum had a still birth too, which doesn't help. So I can't relax either, if anything I'm also getting more anxious - I guess Flump and I are bonded and are now one... I'm not 100% sure how to cope with this, so I try to take each day as it comes. This baby is so wanted. X

[Hughesie1206]

At least I'm not the only one feeling like a paranoid wreck then! I'm desperate for my arms to be filled, this baby won't replace Tyler but will give us a little bit of joy and hope back to are family! It's strange because even though I knew people suffered still births and late miscarriages I never ever thought if would happen to me, I got to 12 weeks and just took it for granted after I got past that point I would be leaving hospital with a baby in my arms! also I should of been induced with Tyler 2 days before he was born (I was booked in as I had obsteteric choleastasis) but the hospital turned me away 7 times over those 2 days without checking me or Tyler because they were "too busy to see me" so I blame them and its making me sceptical of my new hospitals plans even though they've assured me loads of times they will stick to the plan, I just can not trust them and trust what they're telling me, but I'm really trying then getting stressed because I'm getting worried the stress will affect the baby and its all going round and round in circles!! It's a shame they can't just knock me out + wake me up the day before my induction!! Lol xx

[DrFluffy in reply to Hughesie1206]

I know what you mean - if my BP goes up, they will deliver me at 37 weeks. It makes no sense, but I would almost love my BP to be just over the threshold for early delivery in order to get Flump out! It's not too bad at the moment as I'm working full time, still on the daytime/weekend on call rota and keeping occupied! Dreading my pre-delivery maternity leave though, as I know I'll sit at home winding myself up. I probably should broach this with my obstetrician at some point, but I don't want him to think I'm loosing the plot! Plus not sure how to bring it up!

Your new hospital sounds lovely - hope they continue to treat you with lots of TLC. Hope the rest of your pregnancy is lovely and smooth xxx

[Hughesie1206 in reply to DrFluffy]

No that makes perfect sense, because I know it's my body and my liver causing problems for any baby I carry I'd rather have them out earlier and know they're safe (and I sound like a horrible, terrible mum for saying this) but spending possibly a little bit of time in special care then the alternative of not having a baby at the end of it, there is simply more (in my mind) that the hospital, nurses and midwives can do with the baby out of me than there is with him inside me! At the moment I'm still at work too, I work 12 hour night shifts as a Carer in a dementia unit so that certainly helps to make time go a bit quicker!! Lol but leaving work at 30 weeks as moving house, then my partners got to go away for 2months as he's in the army so I've got to be around for our daughter, never rains but it pours!! Lol xx

[Megzey]

Hiya Hughsie1206, I really dont know what to put. No wonder you are a nervous wreck, pregnancy is so scary I think, as all of us ladies have got one goal and that is to have a baby at the end of it. I can only imagine how horrible it must have been to loose baby Tyler, especially when you did your damned ist to try and get seen by your hospital only to be turned away you have probably got zero trust in the hospital system as they failed you & Tyler big time.

At least your new hospital are being proactive and setting things up early for you as they know how concerened you are. What date are you booked into going into hospital? I know it is easy for me to say but you have got to just take everyday as it comes and enjoy every kick punch and wriggle inside you as before you know it you will have your gorgeous baby boy in your arms.

[Hughesie1206]

Thank you, yeah I just need to try and be calm, that's why I'm counting down the sleeps! Lol 111 now! They've booked me in for my induction on the 16th September so ill be 37+1 (that's at the latest, as if the OC starts again it could be before) my consultant has already told me ill have a scan + check that morning to check baby's head down and I'm susceptible for induction or it will a c-section, the baby will not still be in me on the 17th!!

I'm loving the punches and wiggles now, don't know if zippy loves me so much though as every time he stops for a while I freak so poke and wiggle til he wakes up! Lol xx

[ashy2005]

Oh no im so sorry to hear what you have been through.. no wonder you are feeling this way. I have had two miscarriages, one at 16 weeks and the other 11.. I waited until i was 17 weeks to tell my family and my manager actually confronted me about it, call it denial but i wasnt ready for everyone to know and it wasnt until i was 22 weeks when i went for a gender scan that i started to feel good about being pregnant.

Many of my friends that have had babies breeze through their pregnancies without a care in the world but when you have experienced loss, you are constantly worried. I know how you feel about not seeing yourself with a baby in the end I havent brought myself to name my baby boy yet and im 36+6 weeks I feel awful but until hes in my arms, I will worry constantly and after as wel I still tick every wednesday off as another week.. and when feeling worried i take a cold drink and he wriggles about

Any concerns you have go straight to you maternity unit, even for reassurance i went over a few times before i felt movement as i was feeling worried.. as the weeks go on you will feel him moving more and more and hopefully start to relax a little least you will meet your little one a few weeks earlier Try take it easy if you can.. Sept will be here in no time, take care xxooxx

[Carren]

I'm really sorry you've endured such a loss. I've never been through anything like that, so our stories aren't comparable, but I did feel very on edge during the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy. My husband and I struggled to conceive. Then after 2 1/2 years of trying and umpteen investigations, the final one frighteningly invasive, I was waiting to get my period so we could start a round of Clomid when I discovered I was pregnant. I usually pride myself on being quite rational, but as soon as I peed on that stick, all logic went out the window. I just couldn't accept that what my body was supposed to need help with had suddenly happened naturally after all. In my mind the pregnancy was impossible, and the universe would set everything right again sooner or later through a miscarriage.

I wasn't able to really settle down and be happy about the pregnancy until I saw my son's heartbeat at the 12 week scan. However, in the meantime, I found meditation very helpful. (Incidentally, it also helped with my morning sickness, which I suspect was exacerbated by my anxiety.) I'd taken a night class at the local high school years before and not really practiced since, so we're not talking anything really involved or masterful here. I just did a variation on a guided meditation the teacher had done with us at one of the sessions. It involved visualizing myself walking slowly through a forest, taking all the sights, sounds, smells and sensations in--the trees, flowers, etc. then making my way down to a beach and letting the water run over my toes, feeling the sand wash out from under my feet, the sun on my face, etc. The idea is just to slowly transport yourself somewhere nice and immerse yourself in the sensory experience. I wasn't mentally up to it all the time, but when I was able, I made myself heavily pregnant in the visualization, as it was the latter stages of pregnancy that I was having difficulty believing would ever happen. Perhaps you could visualize yourself holding the baby.

For the sake of your own sanity and your baby's health, I really would urge you to try to relax, and I don't mean that in the flippant way that people who've never experienced anxiety tell other people to "just calm down". I mean that in the sense that it will be difficult and involve you seeking out a particular technique that works for you, be it meditation or something else, and practicing it regularly in order to get a slow and gradual benefit. That said, even if you don't take my advice, in 111 days it'll all be over and your baby will be in your arms, so either way, happy ending Good luck, and I hope you find a way to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!

[jowalk6]

I know exactly how you feeel hun. I am 23 weeks pregnant with my little boy. I have 2 teenage boys, and last year my little baby girl was stillborn at 39 weeks. I have been worried constantly through this pregnancy. Even when I have had a scan I still worry the day after if all is okay. I know this will stay with me until I have my precious baby boy in my arms. We just need to be strong, and if you ever need to talk, I am here. Take care hunni xx

[Hughesie1206]

Thank you all for your replies, nice to know I'm not alone in my stressing out over everything!! Jowalk6 I'm so sorry to hear about our little girl, and I really hope you have a quick and uneventful, easy pregnancy and hopefully very soon we will both be having cuddles with our little rainbows!! Thank you everyone. Xx