I live in a shared house with a housemate who has decided that I'm closely related to the devil.
Pretty much every day there is some complaint/moan/passive aggressive onslaught from her. I have a lot going on in my life and would like to be able to relax in my home. Currently I feel nauseous at the prospect of either getting up or going home from work because I may encounter my bullying housemate.
At 0615 this morning I received a WhatsApp message pointing out the fact that the kitchen sink wasn't spotlessly clean after I washed up last night. If I see the odd bit of debris in the sink I don't see it as some kind of personal affront, I simply wash it down the sink and get on with my day.
Anyone have any strategies for dealing with someone SO keen to pick a fight, who hasn't spoken a word to me in 7 weeks, who feels totally entitled to be 100% hostile towards me. She shut the doir in my face on Saturday (and I do mean in my face) She has taken over the front room 7 days a week, so I have nowhere except my room to relax.
Sorry... just at my wits end. I'm half way through a divorce, have been diagnosed with clinical depression and have received an email from my 15 year old daughter telling me how crap I am as a father and that she wants nothing to do with me. Oh, and my 89 year old father is suffering from prostate cancer along with other medical conditions.
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SEStu
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Sounds like a nice housemate, move out..... can she afford the rent on her own(assuming its rented) look in local shop windows for adverts for local places to rent, why live life in misery, I had the same problem with my daughter and my divorce thirty years ago, but we sorted it... good luck!
Do you know why she has this hostility towards you. It must be a very unpleasant atmosphere at home. Have you tried discussing the situation. Or writing her a letter, telling her how awful she is making you feel and how upsetting it is and if a possible truce can be agreed as you both live there. When you write someone a letter, they are more inclined to take notice of what you are saying, more than a text message or verbal communication. The obvious one would be, can you find another place. This behavior really shouldn't be tolerated. Some people also can just be bullies. If she is putting suffering in your life, you need to try and resolve the issues. You should feel relaxed in your own home. Maybe she needs some sort of therapy, maybe she has issues or mental health problems you might not be aware of. It does appear too be very odd behavior slamming doors in your face. Certainly something you can be doing without, with all that is going on in your personal life. 😊
Oh dear SEStu, I feel your pain!
If your housemate is spoiling for a fight, make sure you don't give her the opportunity. You may be being viewed as the devil's brother but don't become that. It's hard, but make yourself the bigger person. If for example, she complains that the sink's not up to her exacting standards, swallow your bile and apologise, and go and give it a good scrub. Hard on you, yes! But treat it as a game in which your aim is to be of superior character and who won't give in to pettiness.
It may feel demeaning to you but in fact it will redress the balance of power. She's getting a kick out of rattling you. Take that ability away from her. It costs nothing but a little bashing of your own pride.
With regard to your other life stresses I'm sure you know that divorce is right up there with moving in terms of level.
Try to remember it's temporary. 'This too will pass', as do all things uncomfortable. I've been there and it does settle down. Everything does, with the right attitude. Don't make a fight of life as a whole or there's a danger it may win.
15 year old daughters do this as a rite of passage. Tell her you agree with her. The day will come when she becomes a normal human being again. This is her period in time for testing adulthood out. That's all it is. She's running on unaccustomed hormones.
As for your dad, I'm so sorry to hear. It's a heart ache to look after an older loved one. But do bear in mind that he is 89. He will have challenges but maybe not too much time more, so just remain as compassionate as you can.
Take care and I hope you regain a bit more equilibrium soon.
Is there some reason you can’t look for somewhere else? It seems to me that your current situation is stressful for you and your housemate. It might be a good idea to find a place of your own, a place where you can come home and relax. If you are comfortable in your own home, it will help you to cope with the other things you have going on in your life.
Thank you, everyone. We have a lease until Sept 26th, so I can't leave before then. And until the divorce is finished I can't afford somewhere on my own.
Curious about what you will be doing come September as it doesn't sound that you can realistically stay with someone who is not able to communicate beyond WhatsApp retribution?
I know we can feel trapped when we are low on funds but, it may be worth looking around for somewhere else. I had an issue like this some time ago and the landlord of the property actually found me somewhere else that was nearby.
The other option is to request a house meeting. Write down what you want to say before hand in anticipation of what you want to say to her and ask her to do the same.
It's always the way that everything goes wrong at once isn't it?
People who pick fights over silly things do it because they are unhappy in themselves and it's nothing to do with you personally.
Perhaps start thinking about moving out and make some plans to do so but take your time as moving is stressful and a big decision.
Thank you. She is leaving in September, but I'd like to stay. Not sure I can cope with the stress of moving on top of everything else! And I love the house, garden, location and neighbours.
Start writing the advertising for someone to share with and specify that as you are the senior tenant you want a trial period to see if you get on. Be honest but fair as most reasonable people would appreciate that not everyone gels.
This person has their own problems and sending things in what's app is not acceptable. It's childish.
I would take a book and sit in the lounge. She cannot claim it as her own. If she objects tell her you are sitting quietly reading a book and it's a joint room. If she rants don't respond record it on your phone. Then show it the landlord. He may ask her to leave.
There is also the possibility she is developing some form of mental illness.
If you feel her behaviour is getting more strange if she's calling you a devil and if there is acting out. (Screaming shouting,doors slammed in your face and the what's app comments get worse or increase or she gets more territorial) then it may be worth asking advice from social services . Only you would know if her behaviour is getting worse note if her friends are avoiding her or the local shops have noticed changes.
You need support and counseling to get you through. It's hard when do much is going on in your world, depression is often how our brain tried to protect us.
I have it as I was doing so much and trying so hard to keep going along with fibro and thyroid and other conditions.
I crashed when my husband was beyond being cared for at home. GPS are underestimated and can be amazing support
So can the online groups. You will get through its a long bumpy journey but there is a better destination and you.
Im guessing that you have spoken to her and the issues in the house? start recording things on your phone hidden in a pocket so you can show the landlord.
she's bullying you because she knows you won't confront her and if she's in the living room and you want to go in there GO in there that will make her feel uncomfortable - but record everything as she seems the type to make up lies!
and if your unhappy maybe move even though you shouldn't have to.
i hope your doing ok! don't let her bully you
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Hope you are all well this Saturday morning 🙂x
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