I feel I need to apologise about my post before I even start, as I'm sure it will sound silly and ridiculous.
My husband had a stem cell transplant in January after being diagnosed with all last year. His counts are all good so far, he feels well in himself. I've recently had to return to work, so back out in the world again, sort of. So the question is,
Why cant I feel happy?!
I'm not entirely sure why, but I just cant get myself to feel happy. After all, hubby seems to be doing well so far, so I shouldn't have anything to feel unhappy about, right? Sometimes I think it's because I'm to afraid to be happy, to afraid to look to the future. I'm worried if I get to happy, the disease will creep up on me, tap me on the shoulder and say "aha, just when you thought I'd gone, I'm baaaccckk!". My job doesn't bring me any sense of contentment, but on the other hand, I know I should be grateful to have a job in the current climate. I'm also feeling anxious about the virus still being out there. I know the risk seems to be going down, but after all of the people protesting recently and breaking the distancing rules at the weekend, I'm worried. I dread bringing something back to my husband, I'd never forgive myself if I was responsible for giving it to him.
Does any of this sound plausible? Am I going round the bend?! Sigh........
Rant over
Written by
Clarence45
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I don’t think you are alone in your feelings. We are in very strange times.
It’s normal to feel down every now and then but if you feel like this for much longer do go and see your GP. There are lots of things they can do to help. A very good thing to get your feelings back into perspective is CBT. You could look on line or your GP will be able to guide you in the right direction.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself and do not beat yourself up for feeling blue. You will enjoy life again.
Take care.
It sounds like you have both been through such a lot this year and then the lockdown, I’m not surprised your feeling a bit off.
Sometimes the carers of people having operations or stem cells treatment are forgotten about, be kind to yourself ❤️
It all sounds plausible to me Clarence. As you say, you're worried for your husband in case you bring the dreaded virus home. I can understand how you feel and I would feel exactly the same in your situation. You've obviously been worrying a lot because of his treatment and all the stress takes its toll eventually. It's good that he is doing well so far so try and relax (easier said than done I know) otherwise you will make yourself unwell and you don't want that. You have a lot of negativity around you because of all the worry, what you need is a really nice thing to happen to begin to lift those clouds away. Let's hope something comes along very soon. Take care and try and keep your chin up. xx
I think what you feel is all normal, no going round the bend is my guess.
Pursue what you enjoy for a bit. A good walk, hobbies or what not and I hope things turn around for you.
Hi Clarence45. This isn’t a rant, it’s just a very natural feeling that you ought to be feeling happier. Well we can’t force or fake happiness, and I think that if you try to purse it, it just becomes even more elusive.
You’ve had lots of worries and they aren’t over yet.
You aren’t confident that you husband’s OK and you certainly don’t have to be grateful for a job you don’t like. Glad to be employed may be the most you can achieve there. And Covid19 is still out there. Times aren’t carefree, at all. I’d just let your feelings be for now and not expect to feel happy. If you do that, one of these days you’ll find that actually happiness has crept back up and is tapping you on the shoulder once more. Very best wishes to you both. 🙏😊
You are not going round the bend. These are very worrying times and we are all in the same boat. We are all concerned about the future and catching this horrible virus and passing it on. I think you have to find something that distracts you in a good way. Read a funny book, watch comedy shows or favourite films just to take your mind off things for a while. I have started to think about the opposites of how I feel. I am a born worrier so what I try and do now is turn the negatives into positives. For example, instead of thinking when will this ever end? Will I ever be able to hug my granddaughter again? I say, when this ends I will do.......or when my granddaughter can come and stay with us again we will do......... Just try it. You will still worry about 'stuff', it is only natural but it gives you a break and gives you hope. We all need hope and optimism to get us through. I hope this helps. xx
I think it is pretty similar to how a lot of people are feeling at present. I often find myself welling up with tears for no particular reason. I think it’s all the worry of keeping safe and hoping that your family who we haven’t seen for four months are keeping safe as well. It’s hearing all the criticism and negative news and comments on the tele. And it’s the utter frustration when you know you are sticking by the rules but you see these other Covid idiots All around you going on the way they do and risking a second wave. Thinking of no one but themselves. Do they not watch these programmes that go into great detail to tell you that this virus can affect so many things from your brain to your lungs to your heart and kidneys and can affect you for the rest of your life. It is neither wonder people are feeling the way you are describing but you just have to live a day at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself. I pray everyday for everyone affected by this horrendous virus.
I think the majority of us feel like this, especially if you have had to shield during lockdown. It has made us all nervous of people , who might be carrying the virus around with them.
Times have been abnormal, it's no wonder you find yourself unable to allow yourself to be happy. I understand that you feel you might be tempting Fate by thinking happy thoughts and feeling hopeful.
It will ease as we slowly get back to whatever will be the new normal. Hard to do, but try to relax a bit, and it will happen.
You're not going round the bend. I think it's quite common to be afraid of being truly happy.
I struggle to be happy, largely, I think, because of depression but I've always felt unable to really relax and let myself enjoy anything.
And your worries about the Covid 19 pandemic are an indication of you actually listening to what's going on rather than just saying "whatever, I'll be ok!"
Clarence , I also survived childhood ALL. So I appreciate your honesty. My whole life I’ve been accused of not being satisfied with say my family or my situation. IDK what it is, TBH. I’m a lonely soul I guess, extremely hard on myself and filled with extreme expectations. The most recent death of my dear pet dog has calloused me to a point of no return and I’m also unsure if I too will ever be happy. I do want desperately to become happy, but I will never forgive myself for the untimely suffering and death of my dear Cali girl. Further, at this point, I am not entirely sure if true happiness actually exists, as the harshness of reality is so daunting and I don’t understand how any of us can be free if some of us continue to suffer in life through various situations such as slavery, disease, and poverty just for example. I’m an educated experienced person having spanned the globe, but I continue to seek that answer for peace of mind, not entirely convinced that it can be achieved through a simple paradigm or belief system such a Christ, Lord & Savior. So I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but just wanted to reach out reply and appreciate that we are not alone even in our unhappiness and ultimately there is nothing wrong with us as we continue to strive for what may be considered nirvana to arrive along with self assured happy too.
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