not sure how I feel?

[londonmummy]

I have a 4 month old baby who I love with all of my heart and have bonded with, however I find myself crying a lot, snapping constantly and have no 'get up and go' like I used to. Everything is such an effort and sometimes I hate looking in the mirror, knowing I will only pick flaws in my appearance. I have plenty of help, a loving partner - a close family but I still feel as if no one understands how hard being a mum can be and I feel alone sometimes. Its as if I have lost the happy go lucky girl who I used to be, I never thought I would miss work but I find myself staring at the four walls not even wanting to go out most days - everything seems to be an effort but when I am out I feel much better, even though I can't help thinking people are judging me being a mum, I feel as if I suddenly realised, maybe I wasn't ready to become a mum just yet but also wouldn't change it for the world? I feel mentally exhausted and am wondering if I am suffering from PNI? All I want is the best for my baby and to appreciate all the good things I know I have but I am finding it so so hard. My gut instinct is telling me to talk about it but I'm terrified that the doctor will tell me what I don't want to hear and I do feel that I can't tell me family or partner as I don't want to be treated with kid gloves or for them to feel sorry for me. Overall, feeling a little bit lost and probably not making much sense!

x

[Tralala]

Hi Londonmummy, what you are describing is so common for new mums. I'm a second time mum and I can relate to most of the symptoms you are describing. Have you been assessed for PNI? My score was slightly over the borderline ( first time pregnancy I had really bad PNI) and my health visitor arranged for a postnatal support worker to visit me. There are specific groups running too. I've found it useful speaking to someone who doesn't know me who can offer support/insight. I've met her twice and already feel better( most days unless I'm really tired). She's pieced together information about my traumatic births and subsequent anxiety. Think we will be working on CBT and a mood diary too, looking at triggers. Don't feel bad about how you feel, you can't help it and its perfectly normal. You now have another part to your identity and it takes time to get used to it! I know what you mean about work too. I find it hard not finishing tasks at home that I've started, I can't relax with them half done. I can recommend an online audio download I got recently from brittadubbels.com called "Awakened Mom". I find it nice to fall asleep too.Sorry for rambling on, but maybe you would also benefit from something similar? Or if you feel you need a bit more, then see your GP?Do you go to any mother and baby groups? It's good to have a network of mummies you can meet with each week and have cake! Tx