I found this short article/essay intriguing. It associates "grief,"with much more than the loss of a loved one. The author hypotheses that we can (and often do) experience "grief," when we feel the loss of our youth, our health, our cognitive abilities... and that it {grief} is actually helpful and beneficial in the healing process.
I'm sure many of you can relate to feeling something akin to grief, since being diagnosed with PMR/GCA. I know I have!
For two years now I have been grieving the loss of my health and subsequently the loss of my mobility, my looks, my social life, my energy and my friends... but here, the author proposes that grief (even the devastating, painful grief) actually heals us and allows us to "come undone from previous attachments," while carrying us forward.
It's a quick read and I think an interesting perspective.
I believe one of the things wrong with modern society is that it doesn't accept that grieving is normal and necessary to deal with loss. Witness a collective agreement which reluctantly allows workers a week's compassionate leave to get over the death of a child.
Or the necessity of finding "closure". There can never be "closure" when you've lost a loved one.
And do we sometimes blame things on "PTSD" which might really be the result of a lack of proper space (time, supports, acceptance, etc) to grieve?
Acceptance is the final stage of the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief. I believe that the day you are able to accept your situation is the day you start to live better with it. Bereavement applies to every loss - whether it is a person, a thing or your health.
I read Elizabeth K R "On death and dying" not long after my father died suddenly when I was 22 and pregnant with no, 1 son. It was a revelation and has helped me throughout my life and in my work with others, I feel the main problem comes when someone gets "stuck" in one of the stages or gets into a loop and is unable to move out and on to the final one, And I do agree that grief can apply to any kind of "loss" and affects us all in different degrees, PMR a prime example - especially the denial! And once you arrive at acceptance you cope so much better....
I felt grief at the very beginning of my PMR journey. But I decided early on that this was just another challenge. The nature of things is that they change, and they don't always change in ways one likes. I could spend my energy on fighting the changes, or I could spend my energy on learning to cope.
I can't do all of the things I used to do, or do them in the same way, or for as long, but I found resources and reserves within myself to go with the changes, to find other things to do or ways to do things, and have actually enjoyed finding the creativity to make the life I have fulfilling and enjoyable.
I've replaced the pursuit of perfection with "good enough". I've chosen to let others take on more responsibility for themselves, and allowed some of them to take on some responsibility for assisting me. I've decided to give up being the head of every fundraiser and the champion of every cause for long stretches of reading for pleasure, for sitting still and watching an old movie hand in hand with my husband, with The Lucky Dog sitting contentedly at our feet.
I distanced the toxic people. I brought closer the generous and the kind. I avoid the negative people. I shun the ones who can never find an end to their "need" for attention and have nothing to spare for anyone else.
At work, I delegate. I coach others to take on new projects, to develop their skills and their careers. I'm more collaborative with my peers, seeking to have them contribute more of their talents and resources to problem solving while I take a guidance role, not a controlling role. And some things I just shove off on someone else for them to take a crack at it. I step aside so they can step up.
Since everything seems to take longer, I take more time for myself. To look out the window, to play with the dog, to watch the sea gulls and the sandpipers and the sparrows, to listen to the cardinal singing, to smell the snow and the rain, to savor making and eating dinner at a normal time, to sip that one cup of coffee I'm allowed right down to the bottom of the cup while it's hot, to smooch and hug my husband instead of taking that call or writing that text or checking that email.
No, I don't grieve now. I'm doing something else, something different, but something just as fulfilling and just as exciting as what I did before. Things changed. I changed. And it's good.
Beautifully said. When I first got PMR I was determined to fight it on every front and on the initial higher doses of Pred felt I was winning. However, lower doses and a couple of flares later I'm more accepting of my limitations. As you say, it can become an opportunity to take a slower pace and appreciate the small things in life that we often don't find time for in our busy lives. I find the only times I get low are when feeling particularly poorly, (usually during a flare), and get so frustrated that I try to do things that are really beyond me. Yes, acceptance of how you are at any particular time of any particular day is key, and to shed some tears of grief for the loss of the abilities you once had is only a natural and necessary part of the journey.
I limit my "cryin" time" to my morning shower. This happens less and less often these days.
For the rest of the day, I just get on with it, doing the best I can. There's a lot I can do if I take the time to think about modifying my approach. That's where creativity comes in.
My Grandma used to say "A woman can't always be as physically strong as a man, so she has to be smart."
From the Mark Twain novel, "Tom Sawyer". Make the job that needs doing look like so much fun, so fulfilling, so satisfying, that someone else wants to do it!
I felt grief at my diagnosis of PMR four years ago. But I've come through it, learned to live again, got my mobility back, hung onto my job. I'm less patient with nonsense and more aware of how fragile and precious our life is.
Thanks M. a very insightful article with which I concur on every level - I have always thought 'grief' is the price of love - but more expansively as described here it is also essential for our movement forward and a way into the rest of our lives. Understanding this is invaluable encouraging us to accept rather than struggle with what is usually 'inevitable'. It also expresses the 'beauty' and intensity inherent in grief - which is of course the remembering of what we have had and then we have 'lost' ...
Thank you. I did indeed find this article provided an interesting perspective. As an amputee I grieve daily for the loss of my leg....and after reading this I may be able to see things from a different angle. Certainly thought provoking.🌺
I'm enjoying a book, which I think you recommended it on here Idyllic so I bought it, called How to be sick by Toni Bernhard. It's about applying Buddhist principles to having an illness and getting to acceptance. We have a want/don't want mind, always wanting things to be better and the resulting anger and despair etc is secondary suffering on top of the illness itself. Not finished it yet but it's a useful refresher of things I've learned on mindfulness courses along with some new insights.
Ohhh cool! Yes I did say I was reading it, which I still am!!!! I have 4 books going, at the same time, since Christmas! 😕 ...and I'm not getting to far with any of them!!!! I started "walking" at the new year and that's taking up a lot of time!!!! I'm glad you are enjoying it... I'll have to pick it up again!!!! Cheers
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