“Ma… come on! Just get up!”: Those that can't do... - PMRGCAuk

PMRGCAuk

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“Ma… come on! Just get up!”

Those that can't do... RANT!

rantingsofamadwomanblog.com...

Warning; This post contains a few swear words... not too bad though.

Please note... although this post is not "specifically" related to people who have PMR/GCA, it does relate to those of us who are getting older and sadly are not able to accomplish all that we used to be able to.

62 Replies
DorsetLady profile image
DorsetLadyPMRGCAuk volunteer

Hi

No child (whatever age) wants to acknowledge their parent is mortal - it’s a fact of life. And the more you love and respect your parent the more difficult it is.

I saw it in my brothers in respect to my mum who brought them up virtually on her own during the war - and again afterwards when my parents separated.

I also saw it in my son when his father was chronically ill. Because he’d survived a number of heart attacks and triple bypass surgery my son thought that was it - back to “normal” dad! Unfortunately it didn’t pan out that way and my son found it difficult to acknowledge the fact that although dad looked back to normal he wasn’t. It wasn’t because he couldn’t understand, he did! I think he didn’t want to admit his father’s frailties! During his formative years his dad was his hero always out together doing something - and he didn’t want to admit his superhero wasn’t there anymore.

in reply to DorsetLady

Awe... a truly special relationship, between a son and his dad. Thanks for sharing that DL! I really love that my blog may have helped you to connect to your Mum, your brothers, your son and your husband. Thanks for sharing that with us. ❤️

DorsetLady profile image
DorsetLadyPMRGCAuk volunteer in reply to

I so know where you are coming from re getting up off the floor. And why does everything you put down on a surface decide it’s going to throw itself down there anyway! My walking stick has a very malicious tendency to do that!

in reply to DorsetLady

*laughing* Yes, I too find that EVERYTHING I put on a flat, unmoving surface, JUMPS off of it, an onto the floor! Seriously!!!!

DorsetLady profile image
DorsetLadyPMRGCAuk volunteer in reply to

Just gravity..........or is it! I think not 🤔

in reply to DorsetLady

I blame it on the poltergeist!!!!

scats profile image
scats in reply to DorsetLady

Anti-gravity? My walking stick has the same ability.

in reply to scats

Hahahahahahahaha! YES! anti-gravity!

Dear Melissa - I am usually the first or nearly the last to respond to your brilliant posts - due to our time zone difference - this time i am the fortunate 'first'.

Once again in your truly inimical way (I may have used that descriptor before I think) you have hit a row of nails on their heads ! And once again you have shared your own experiences - very personal ones - in a way which gives us all greater insights about what it is to be at once a fragile and yet strong person who is confused and confronted by the vicissitudes of life - but still somehow emerges with realisations of love and compassion.

I also watched on as my beautiful and determined mother was demolished by illness starting in her late 50's - quite unexpectedly when she was up until then very fit, healthy and youthful for her age. This puzzled me of course and made me sad and 'angry' at times which I myself found difficult to understand - I wasn't 'angry' at her of course - but just the inexplicable circumstances and apparent 'unfairness' of it all. As I have told you this (in retrospect) was undiagnosed GCA - she lost nearly all her eyesight over a period of time and had multiple small strokes but was very determined and lived with a reasonable quality of life until she was in her late 70's despite this.

There are those moments we say or do something and suddenly hear ourselves - as an echo of our mother(s). In my late 60s I now find this quite amusing but at times I hear a louder echo and it is also of my not always sympathetic responses to her. But we can't 'get' all this at the time - how could we ? - it takes life and experience to 'teach' us what we most need to know - that is why we must I think also forgive our own children when they don't always understand the bigger implications of what is happening... it takes time and insight...

Thanks for another fantastic post !

Love

Rimmy

XX

in reply to Rimmy

My Dearest Rimmy, Your responses to my posts make me laugh, cry, think and reevaluate what I have written... Usually ALL of the above, at the same time!

Your words always resonate with me and I know (that you know) exactly where I'm coming from. You get it, you get me... How wonderful!!!! And what an amazing feat for someone who's never laid eyes on me! Thank you!!!!!

I remember the story of your Mother's life and her hardships... bless her. I too find myself sounding like my Mom, or using expressions that she used... sometime as I walk past a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself, I swear (for just an instant) it's my Mom looking out at me!

You are right of course, that we needed our lifetime of experiences (and to mature) before we could ever truly appreciate our mother's journey, hardships and challenges.. I think I get it now, and this rant was my way of letting her know, I get it.

Thank you for reading it, for your kind and thoughtful words and for you insight.

xxx

That is exactly how I felt this morning a really bad time getting out of bed moving around trying to do those jobs that used to be done in 5 minutes now I either can't do them at all! Or take me ages, I had my shower trying to be determined in every move I made getting dressed etc., but I had a phone call from my daughter and I burst into tears, I do not like upsetting my family this has happened a few times, still feel weepy pain not going away today dam! Prob will by the time I go to bed! Anyway offloading on you today as well! I'm normally cheerful no matter what do others get these days?

in reply to Jamie345

"Offload" away Jamie345... I'm in a GOOD place today. The bulk of that post was written yesterday, so I awoke this morning feeling optimistic and with a sense of renewal! I too am reluctant to upset the family, but this morning wrote an email, to my two daughters (that is sitting in draft) as I know if it is sent, it will upset the apple cart.

I am so sorry your pain is not lessening. Have you talked to your GP/Rheumy about it? Are they actively trying to get it under control?

I sat on a lowish chair in someone else’s house the other day and I knew within seconds that when the time came I wouldn’t be able to get up...

it distracted me, for the whole time I was sitting there I was planning my upheaval.

The time came and I tried and tried and couldn’t get up ... 2 people grabbed an arm each and hoisted me out of the chair... 😫

I made light if it but I was MORTIFIED

The joys of having new knees with no pain but very little strength x

in reply to Sheffield-Karey

Oh boy.... I know that feeling of being totally MORTIFIED!!! The WORST was running around France with my OH, trying not to s**t myself! 😱 I prayed the ground would open and just swallow me up! You could have blamed it ON the two new knees! Hahahahaha

Oh how I understand. Went to the Jorvik exhibition in York last week. Alright getting into my ‘time capsule’ but when the trip ended there I was stuck on the very low bench! It took 2 men and my husband to haul me upright! Mortifying? Yes of course but we did all have a laugh as well

in reply to Pat9442

Wow! Cool you had the attention of your husband and two other men!!! I cant remember the last time that happened... actually, I don't think that has EVER happened! ...unless I was standing in from of the television when there was an American football game on!

If you think that was mortifying how about this. We were visiting friends and I went to the toilet and, you’ve guessed it, I couldn’t get up. I called and called until eventualy my friend came and lifted me off. She did know I had PMR however.

in reply to Constance13

NO WAY!!!!!!! 🤯

My mother fell a lot later in life, 80s and 90s. She would get very angry and I'd find her fuming, mad with herself. To cover her fragility she would shout at me

"Where the hell have you been when I needed you?"

I found the best reply was "What the hell are you doing lying down there?" then she'd let me help her up.

That about sums up our relationship. She didn't want me there but she needed me. You might find that sympathy was not what your mother needed.

in reply to scats

Ooooooo, yeah even Moms sometime lose their cool. I LOVE your reply to her, did she laugh? Yup,I think you are right. She would have been even more embarrassed if I got all mushy and fussed over her... When she had cancer, I was the only one who treated her like a regular person... Dad and the boys fawned over her. She hated it! : )

scats profile image
scats in reply to

My mother would have hated it too.

Didn't heed the warning. Should have done. Too close to home, since my mum died following a fall. However you write so well Melissa.

in reply to Marilyn1959

Ohhhh, I'm so sorry. No use doing the "woulda, shoulda, coulda, " thing... we each make the best decisions we can make at the time, based on the information we have and what our hearts tell us to do.... it all works out like it's supposed to I think.

Thanks for the complement ad for your support in reading my rants!

Actually, I'm thinking it was a relief to your mom that you more or less took it in stride, instead of getting all dramatic and tragic about it. You helped her, comforted her with good humor, and then treated her normally.

None of that means you didn't care for her. It just means you didn't make her deal with your feelings while she was dealing with her own. That's a good thing.

I know I'm much more comfortable when people don't catastrophise my occasional difficulties. I'd much rather be helped along with a smile and a joke. And maybe a cuppa.

in reply to GOOD_GRIEF

I think you 100% right! She would have hated if I got upset or fussed over her... and "no" I never wanted her to have to deal with my feelings on top of what she was already dealing with. You can come to my house any day GG and I'll gladly make you a cuppa!!!!!!

Thanks for that! I felt the same about my Mam and wish I had said “ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that” more often. Even now, because I at last understand, I say “sorry Mam” when somethng similar props up that Mam used to do or say. I just didn’t understand.

Do you think your mother had undiagnosed PMR? I’m almost sure mine did, but it hadn’t even been heard of in those days. The same shoulder pains, upper arms, found it more and more difficult to walk but was told she didn’t have OA!!

in reply to Constance13

Hi Constance 13, You're welcome... thanks for reading. We had no way of understanding, back then, did we? You don't know, what you don't know.

Hmmmm? I'm not sure, about Mom. I am pretty sure my Dad had GCA! In retrospect when I think back to his headaches, tender temples, neck and shoulder pain... fatigue, grouchy moods, etc... but my Mom never really complained, so not sure.

Yes, been there done that and have the proverbial T shirt. In the garden, just thought I would pull up a few weeds, couldn’t get up. Called for himself, couldn’t hear me, so I crawled across to the car and pulled myself upright. Fortunately the car alarm didn’t go off and alert the neighbours, it would have been so embarrassing.

My mum was tiny lady, nothing daunted her. She was a tower of strength and I miss her so much. I can hear her saying to me, ‘It will come to you one day and I won’t be around to see it.’ Yes, she was right, of course.

in reply to Jean56

Ohhhhh, I love that, "It will come to you one day and I won’t be around to see it." How perfect! Oh my goodness I can just see you crawling over top the car!!!!! 😵 Was it across grass or concrete????

Jean56 profile image
Jean56 in reply to

I crawled over grass and part way up the tarmac drive. I did feel an idiot. When I told himself he was warned not to laugh.....he did his best!

I imagine my mum sitting on her cloud, looking down and saying, ‘I told you so.’ as she watches me struggle!

in reply to Jean56

Oh my! Hahahahaha! Too funny! ...and horrifying at the same time!

This just happened to me recently my daughter was in the kitchen, I needed something out of the press. Of course it was the bottom press so I ve found that I can not just bend down, I have to get in my knee’s well I tried to get up and could not 😒 my daughter started to laugh saying “ah mum are you serious” .. Anyway yesterday I had a very important appointment to do with my work. My daughter came for support, life is a funny old thing how things happen my daughter got emotional and started to cry 😢 she is a very strong young women, this hurt me a lot to see my illness effecting her so much. Think she is only getting it all and the struggle it’s been not just for me but for her also😪😪💕

in reply to Lucylooloo

Awe.... she obviously cares about you a lot! I am glad she was there with you and you got to see her moved to tears... it allows us to see and remember that they are fragile too.

I reckon your mother understood what that teenage girl was saying, she will have said the same thing - or thought it of her mother and she of her mother. Like a circle in a spiral like a wheel withing a wheel,,,,,,,,

in reply to MamaBeagle

True Mama Beagle, true...

I’ve been thinking of Mum lots lately. No one thought she was so ill and I quess that’s what she wanted , just to be treated normally.* It has come to me and she’s not here to see it * true . Carol

in reply to Chrob

Ohhhhh, she sees it. You just cant see that she sees it! : )

I think it's amazing how your "rants" resonate with so many of us and I love the the replies they produce.

Keep Ranting.....!.

in reply to scats

Me too Scats, me too!!!!! When I am writing a rant, I often wonder if anyone will know what I'm on about... but then I post it and the response is overwhelming! I love that people end up being so honest and open and telling their own story!!!

scats profile image
scats in reply to

Therapeutic on both sides, so valuable.

A very poignant moment for you Melissa, bringing back those memories that had paled into insignificance until now. The feeling of guilt is with us all for one reason or another. In those days we could never accept our parents were getting older and everything was very reserved/unspoken. Different to now, I've seen the emotion in my kids and grandchildren and hate to see it even though they are more resilient than we give them credit for. I always tell them everything is going to be alright and tell them how much I love them every time we speak. We respected mum and dad immensely but there was little love shown. I was lucky in comparison to you, mine lived much longer and after short illnesses were gone. There is no choice in life and we just get on with whatever hand was dealt, It was totally different back then - war time for instance made my dad and dad-in-law either so independent or grief stricken! don't know which, but they never spoke about any of it. I think more about it now, and as you have experienced with your inability to get up from the floor, suddenly it means something yet it didn't at the time.

Nearest we got to anything with dad was once talking about going to Italy on holiday and dad said 'seen enough of it and never want to go back'. He never expanded on that sentence and we never asked! Apparently he was stationed there in the war. Many years after his death, I found old photos of him in his army uniform in front of the bombed Colosseum in Italy! I've since found out where his brother was killed and where his final resting place is in Holland. Would like to go there and see his marked grave. Dad never knew any of this. Dad also got blinded with shrapnel in one eye and never spoke about that ever. If he were here today I would ask him lots and I think he would have liked the attention he must never have got after losing his mum as a 7 year old. Although the memories are tragic they're the only thing we have to cling onto. One thing's clear we never understood our parents'/grandparents suffering in those hard times. I console myself that they are looking over us and don't expect us to be sorry even though we are. I know I've digressed but I see you've written something to your daughters' and wanted to say if that is what you want to do then do it.

Hope you're okay and on a lighter note have a lovely weekend and enjoy this continuing warm weather. xxxx

in reply to Telian

Yes, Telian, my Dad was like that too.... very closed mouthed about his time in the Navy (during the wat) and the fact that he (and his 3 brothers) had spent time in an Orphanage! Holy moly, I wish I knew that story.... It was a much different time then and people were so very different than they are now. I love the fact that you tell them everything will be alright and that you love them when you speak... I think that is so very important! I'll never send email to daughters, as it would upset the apple cart, but needed to get it off my chest... kids (at least my kids) today are just so busy with their own lives, they don't usually have time for anyone else. As it was said.... "It will come to you one day and I won’t be around to see it." It's happened to me, and it will happen to my girls. Thank you for sharing your story.... I loved hearing about your Dad. Xxx PS hello to your sister!

Telian profile image
Telian in reply to

OMG an orphanage, something you'll never know but I hope they were happy there. I believe the way we are skips a generation sometimes ie I put having a more tactile relationship down to not having that from my parents even though I had a happy childhood. I hope it breaks the mould from now on. I am pleased you chose not to email your daughters, if there's anything to be said I believe it should be face to face if it has to be said at all. It's funny but only when I started to write about my Dad did it make me realise just how much he had lived through. Likewise our kids will talk about us when we're gone and this dreaded illness - one that I hope they don't get. My brother has just been diagnosed with PMR! My youngest brother's son has Cystic Fibrosis and at the time we scratched our heads as to where it had come from - then I recalled my grandmother saying that Dad's mother died from Consumption (similar illness back then) which I now read into as being CF! Things go far back in families and if you're lucky not to inherit something hurray! It is good to chat and my sister will be pleased to hear from you - she howled with laughter when I told her that you thought she 'rocked'! Hope you are okay. xxxx

I haven’t been posting much lately because I’ve got an ordinary everyday illness, a nasty chest infection. I found your post very moving and all the memories it evoked in other people. I guess we all miss our mums, because if we were lucky, they made everything better. I cared for my mum who had frontal lobe dementia for 7 years, so I lost her bit by bit. Eventually she didn’t know me at all. It was strange looking into those big, blue, familiar, eyes and see no recognition at all. I am glad I was able to make her last years more comfortable though, that was a gift in many ways. Everyone else I lost comes to me in dreams but not her, not yet. Thanks for posting. ❤️

DorsetLady profile image
DorsetLadyPMRGCAuk volunteer in reply to SheffieldJane

My mum had dementia as well, but not as bad as some fortunately. However, the last time I saw her in hospital she was quite lucid; she died a day or so after. So my last memory of her wasn’t as painful as yours.

in reply to SheffieldJane

Dear Jane, I watched my mother deteriorate physically, which was hard enough.... I can't imagine watching her deteriorate mentally and emotionally for 7 years! God bless you! Thank you for reading and sharing your story!

SheffieldJane profile image
SheffieldJane in reply to

You really captured the mixture of laughter and irritation that the new relationship provokes. I think it’s helped me to understand my own adult children’s reaction to me and feel more compassionate about what is probably fear, deep down.

in reply to SheffieldJane

Hmmmm? .....and your words above,just made ME consider that same potential fear and denial in my girls! Thank you!!!! Xxxx

Dementia is so cruel. I lost my mum to this too. Last time I visited her, in hospital, we chatted nonsense for hours as I held her hand. As I got up to leave she said her final words to me... "I like you. Will you be on duty tonight?" I smiled and said yes, then left and cried for hours. She died that evening. She does come to me in my dreams. Sure yours will too.

Thank you once again for gifting us with your heartfelt words! Perhaps challenging to go back there, to relive those times, those feelings, those conversations, but perhaps also a form of celebration of the relationship you had with your mom. I feel privileged to have been invited in to another area of your life.

in reply to PMRCanada

Awe.... what lovely words PMRCanada! I actually find it cathartic to go back and relive the times and feelings. It's so long ago it's like a scene from a movie I play in my head. I feel privileged that you read and support my writing... thank you!

Well, mamici, is that you in the pic? Red lippy and nails too. Yesterday, I stood up from the computer, and, for some reason, knocked the steroid dosage box for the day, off onto the floor. Couldn't see it anywhere. Had to get a torch. They would be right at the back, out of reach, wouldn't they? Tried to bend down, holding onto chair. Realised that was stupid. Could only find tv remote to reach and pull forward.Shaky pins, trying to avoid bump on head, when straightening up again. Air bit blue.

My Mom and I didn't get on, sadly. After a 'fall', and going to hospital, and me seeing to Dad, hospital rang. Dr said my Mom had had massive heart failure, and to get family, as only days to live. Never diagnosed any heart prob. I had returned to SA, in 2009, to care for them, and found everything in shambles. Mom not admitting she couldn't cope. Things work very differently there, to UK. With Mom worsening, I said I was sorry for all the arguments, etc, over the years, and she said she was too.

Dad was admitted, prostate at 95 , following day, so I 'lived' at the hospital, not caring what I looked like, or ate. My best friend brought change clothes/food. I couldn't take my Mom going like this. She was 11 years younger than Dad.

Mom died after 6 days, just when I nipped home to have a bath.Dad's health declined rapidly, and , when he realised Mom HAD GONE, HE DIDN'T EAT/GET UP/Heartbroken after mom. Died, at home, with me, holding his hand, 3 months later.

Telian profile image
Telian in reply to karools16

How very sad Karools made me cry. The bit about mum dying when you went home for a bath, how often do we hear that?.....at least she knew you were around and you were able to make peace with one another - a sad but comforting ending.

karools16 profile image
karools16 in reply to Telian

My sister, in SA, is a director at a hospice and also a trained bereavement counsellor. She told me that some people, even our dearest, wait for people to leave, so that they die when they want, even if alone. Hospital said she had a nurse with her at the time.

Telian profile image
Telian in reply to karools16

So it is a fact then - my parents lived away and dad went an hour before I got there but family were with him all day everyday and he slipped away when they went for a bit of lunch. Same with mum she did have my youngest brother by 17 years ( he was her baby) with her but others had just left - I am always comforted by the fact she went with him by her side - it was the middle of the night. As you say nurses were with them also - funny how loved ones know the difference between family and staff.

in reply to karools16

Karools16, your first paragraph had me giggling.... I could just see you looking for the torch and using the remote to Reach and pull stuff towards you! I'm sorry you and your mom didn't get on... that's a tough one. Although, I can see my eldest daughter, in 10-20 years when I'm gone, saying, "... my mom and I didn't get on." ☹️ I'm sorry for your loss.... but love that you were there, holding your Dad's hand.

Another beautiful piece , beautiful.sovmoving an so true that we can’t always expect what stares us in the face . The truth , I know your mum was/is soo proud of you Melissa as you are of yours , thank you for sharing x

in reply to Monkeymate

Ohhhh thank you. My mom and I had a very special relationship... I was the baby and the only girl! I wasn't spoiled! 🤣 Thank you for reading and supporting my writing!

Dear Melissa, After reading your beautiful post I dreamt of my mother last night. (Who died 40 years ago.) I dreamt I hadn't taken care of her enough, and in my dream I was busy improving her bed and other things which could make things more comfortable for her poor, sick body.

I haven't dreamt of my mother for ages.

See what your writing does for people!

xxx

in reply to Francien

Ohhhhhhh, I love that you dreamt about your Mum! ...but sorry that you felt you hadn't taken care of her enough. Funny the tricks our minds try to play on us, huh? Thank you, thank you for allowing my rantings to seep into the inner crevices of your mind.... I am honoured.

Have just read all the replies to your rant. Have been feeling so guilty lately that I did not realise (30 years ago) how my mother must have felt. She was such an independent soul and would not let me help her, but I should have ignored her and sought medical help. So much has improved since then.

Keep ranting, they are wonderful to read.

in reply to joat

Thank you Joat.... No guilt! No woulda, shoulda, coulda. We all did what we could and it was the best we could do at the time. No guilt. Xxx

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