Hi - my son in law brought my 3 grandchildren aged 6, 11 and 12 and stayed with me for 10 days and he stayed too and also their 4 month old puppy who is not house trained.
Hubby and I have a kitten which made the visit even more stressful.
I did what I can including baby sitting sometimes overnight, cooking, taking the children out and playing games. I feel guilty as I love my family but with PMR flaring up I couldn’t keep up and the kids were up until 11pm shouting and just being overtired more and more as time went on.
I told son in law about the fatigue in PMR but he didn’t understand.
At the end of the visit my son in law was cold as he probably thought I should go out with them for the whole day but I did my best and now I am so fatigued I can’t explained how drained I am.
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cassie1208
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Oh I really feel for you, I had a cousin to stay for two nights and that absolutely shattered me! Sending you lots of sympathy and please take plenty of rest for as long as it takes.
Hi Cassie 1208, don't think you have any reason to feel you've let anyone down or feel guilty. I wouldn't have put someone else through all that stress even if I knew they were 100% fit! You really tried but PMR is the villain here. If your husband understands about the fatigue maybe he could have a word with your son in law or you could show him some of the threads on this website. If we all came with pain and fatigue monitors people would see how this dratted condition affects us. Also the grandchildren are of an age to understand their grandmother isn't well and perhaps they would like to help out a bit when they stay? I hope the next visit isn't so fraught and you can relax and enjoy your grandchildren's company. All best wishes and hope you feel better soon x
Hi Cassie 1208, I'm so sorry this has happened and you feel bad... Do not feel guilty!!!! Of course you love your family and want to be there for them and have fun with them, but YOU ARE ILL. You have to respect that fact and put yourself before everyone else. If you had cancer or had had a heart attack, would you feel guilty? I don't think you would... You said you told your son in law about the "fatigue," but does he know what PMR is and how debilitating it is? Have you shared with him any of the links that people have provided on this site? Please share the information with him and all of your family so that they really understand... Maybe your Hubby can help you explain. Don't beat yourself up and please don't feel guilty, this too shall pass. Take care of you!
Just reading it makes me feel faint! No Cassie - not your fault and in some ways also not PMR's fault either.
Next time point them to the nearest guest house/holiday appartment. Ten days is far too much - and to bring a non-housetrained puppy is just RUDE. And to allow your obviously also non-house-trained children to behave like yobs is even worse.
When we looked for our retirement place the last thing on our mind was somewhere big enough for everyone to fit in. It was far cheaper to buy what we have and rely on booking somewhere nearby if required. When my daughters were here last week we ate late breakfast at home and one meal out - if anyone needed another snack it was easy enough - take away pizza rules! They stripped their beds at the end - and helped make up their beds at the start. I have my bedroom for ME (and him indoors). I go to bed when I need to and hang anyone else. They get the message when you are consistent. If you do things they just push the boundaries.
Years ago I learnt to ask "Do you do that at home?" Didn't matter what - being noisy, feet on tables, rudeness, whatever.
If the answer was no - "Then don't do it here."
If the answer was yes - "Then don't do it here."
I know - I'm a hard woman. But I have to look after me if no-one else will.
Good On You PMRPro! I feel that should be made into a Sign like you see in Garden Centres, then you can point to the sign if you don’t actually want to say it! 😂
I couldn’t agree more and you’re not a hard woman, just incredible sensible. A fantastic way to manage guests. I’m firmly of the belief whether family or friends, no one should stay longer than three days. Can’t remember who said it but, ‘After three days guests and fish stink.’
Think OH works on that too. Even when invited to visit, even when I persuade him to accept the invitation, he is insistent he wants to leave after 3 days! Drives me up the wall sometimes because he actually manages to look rude
Thank you all for taking the time to reply and to give me your support - it really helps knowing that you feel I have done everything and that I have been put in an unfair situation - expect I will feel the effects for some time yet. We live the sea so everyone wants to come. As you know it’s not just the physical tiredness but as I found when I had a chatty friend to stay for 5 days I was mentally exhausted for a week after. Trouble is I can’t say no but I will have to be more assertive as this PMR I have had for 3 Years means I will have to go at my own pace. Inspiring replies really helped to get an outsiders point of view but from people who know about fatigue!!!!!! Thanks again
Saying no is so hard when it is not in your nature. I urge you to learn it fast though or you will sadly be in this position again. I hate saying no, it is our generation I think as the younger ones don't seem to mind saying "NO" if it suits them. Not us, we say "Oh OK" despite our heart sinking at yet another unreasonable request. I am learning fast to say NO. I have learnt the hard way, as you have, that we pay the most ghastly price xxxx
You have experienced too - the unusual extra noise tires. I developed a technique a long time ago to filter out the unnecessary words and just get the gist - my MIL lived in a granny flat in our house and expected me to come in every morning and every afternoon for tea because I worked from home. It was the same conversation every time - about Corrie and East Enders and the royal family. Yawn...
Thanks everyone- you are right noise and babble are so tiring - I have taken on board all your comments - it is so easy to say yes on the spur of the moment- what is you technique for filtering talk talk talk
I have just returned from a 5 day visit to my mother. I hadn't seen her since being diagnosed with PMR.Both she and I behaved normally as she obviously has no understanding of my condition and I always try to ignore it ! But I too ,noticed that the constant chattering between us was really exhausting plus all the day trips that I drove us to ,all resulted in me feeling so tired upon my return. I am finding it very difficult to change the habit of rushing around at a great pace and helping everyone.
I can really relate to your dilemma .
You sound like a really lovely caring person.I suppose we will have to learn to care for ourselves too.Very best wishes.
Yes I agree with you that we try to do things as normal then we suffer for it. I don’t think I have fully accepted it that is my problem and it’s almost like I think people will think that I am making excuses for not joining in and that I am being a spoil sport. Writers on this forum have fully accepted it and are somewhat comfortable with addressing it. I mentioned PMR to family and friends but only mentioned not s full discussion. This is my issue that I need to keep explaining until people get it!!
My hubby always says put yourself first and I have learnt so much from this visit and the positive responses from the forum. Your ending words of learning to care for yourself are wise and I must do just that thanks.
I am so sorry this happened to you Cassie. It is one of my worst nightmares. You did your best, under really difficult circumstances. I am puzzled at your son in law’s attitude. Was he hoping for something else from you? Can anyone mediate on your behalf? We could all explain how, in spite of all the love in the world and the best will in the world, sometimes we just can’t. X
Jane, the son in law I reckon was hoping to have an easy time of it and just off load the responsibilities. TBH I think some plain and not aggressive, just pleasant and reasonable, conversation is called for her. Might help a lot.xxx
I really sympathise with you Cassie,l cannot imagine coping for ten days as you were expected too,as much as we love our family and grandchildren ,this illness really does cause fatigue even if we spend just one day overdoing things. Bringing a puppy into your home is also very inconsiderate,my son ‘s family have one, she is six months old and still not completely housetrained and also chews anything she can get her teeth onto even though she has plenty of toys,she is lovely but l would find it very hard to cope with her .l can also relate to coping with very chatty friends,they can be mentally exhausting even for a few hours ! The trouble with this illness is that we certainly do not feel as well as we appear to be,we may look OK and that makes it hard to explain to people how we are affected by it.l think you are amazing to have somehow got through those ten days,l hope that you are able to take a much needed rest now ,take care ,you are obviously a very loving grandmother xx.
Thanks for for understanding reply - I will have a good rest for the next few days!! It is so true that I actually look Ok and feel weak underneath it all so people can’t get it sometimes - I also found it hard to come to terms with the weakness of PMR but I am getting there - almost felt embarrassed to be saying I can’t do as much as I want to- haven’t been swimming for 2 weeks so will go tomorrow for half an hour- this makes me feel almost normal!!! That will be enough for the day !!
My husband is the middle child of 11 siblings. All but one sister and one brother live within 5 blocks of our house. Bless them, they have given us 32 nieces and nephews and now bearing down on a baker's dozen of grand nieces and nephews. For the last 20 years we've been together, there's a birthday, a graduation, a baby or bridal shower, a communion, a confirmation, a school play or dance recital or ballgame or track meet or swimming meet or promotion or retirement party anniversary engagement wedding....just about every weekend. Sometimes both days on the weekend.
And if not, or alongside, someone is on the phone or at the door asking to borrow something, asking for a ride to the mall or the movies or rehearsal or athletic practice, asking for help with math homework or college applications or research papers (yes, right through college and beyond), resumes, business plans, work presentations, grant applications, a fight with a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/child/boss/co-worker/subordinate, choosing a school, a major, a car, an apartment, a house, a couch, a dress, a tie, a job...
Jeezaloo.
They are every one dear, funny, kind, talented, interesting and wonderful people. There are just so many of them....
But we love them.
We show up when we can, stay until we've had enough, let the tweens and teens in at our house during "visiting hours" and throw them out when we're done in. Our kitchen holds water, fruit, vegetables, plain yogurt, medicines and not much else these days. We let the phone go to voicemail and selectively read and respond to texts. And now I send out texts asking for help with shopping, housework, dry cleaning, laundry, gardening, snow shoveling, car maintenance etc. etc. etc., and usually get more than a couple of volunteers, and sometimes I offer hot dogs & beer or coffee & cake or cookies & milk as thanks. And if I'm beat, I just let them go with a hug and a kiss. My brothers- and sisters- in law meet us at the corner pub to watch a game or have lunch or brunch or dinner once in a while. We used to cycle weekends at the house in Southampton through the family, but we just can't handle the extra work. The tweens and teens used to have their sleepovers in our basement or backyard. Now the few who are still that young have to have them at their own house.
They've all seen us go from being the life of every party to being more quiet and sedentary. They understand Mark's heart condition better than they understand my PMR, but they get it that there are limits on both of us that didn't use to exist. We opt out of a lot of the gatherings now, and save ourselves for the really big ones.
And they all still love us.
And so the torch passes to the next generation, who will do some different things, who will some some of the same things, who will do some different things in different ways, who will do the same things in different ways. As it should be.
The good thing is there's always someone around when you need help.
The bad thing is there's always someone around...
Awh Cassie
No wonder your exhausted!.......
Living by the sea, no surprises everyone comes to visit!
I think the time has come for you & your husband to sit down to compose an email explaining your situation or using one of the links here explaining fatigue, l think it’s Jane (Sheffield) who says use the third draft; keep it on file & then when your next visitors ‘Book In’ do a ‘Confirmation’ email & add the note explaining your limitations & what you can/cannot do!
We’re having two friends on Tuesday for a week, then two more joining us at the weekend, they know it’s B&B but not full a English & we’re eating out apart from a Buffet Lunch on Friday that M&S are supplying! 😉
Dear God I would never have survived. You have all my admiration and sympathy. I have a rule no one comes to stay and we don’t visit anyone else for more than three nights. After three days fish and guests stink! I love dogs and I can cope with dogs better than children but to bring a puppy who isn’t housetrained is just appalling. Our two grandchildren have atrocious manners and little respect for their elders. I find it hard to understand as both my step daughter and her husband were not brought up like that. Don’t get me wrong I love them all, my step daughter has been a wonderful help to me but they seem to have a blind spot where the children’s behaviour is concerned. Learn from this, don’t do it again. Yes come to stay for a night or two but lay down ground rules. PMRpro seems to have cracked the problem, very sensible advice. Rest and relax, stop worrying and look after yourself.
How unreasonable was your son in law and insightful... bless you for trying so hard. I'm kinda hoping from now on your hubby could step in when it placed in this position and say...No it's to much!!! Anyone who truly cares will understand and accept. If not it's their issue and selfishness not yours.
I hope you get some rest now and equilibrium soon returns.
What an awful time you had. I agree with others that you need to be able to say no to request to come again to stay. I have 5 adults staying this coming weekend and have prepared and frozen meals already as I knew it would be quite stressful. I will ask them to strip beds before they leave and they can set the table and clear up after meal and I will just dish up lovely hopefully yummy meals. I don’t think they understand fatigue like we experience as there is nothing so debilitating as this.
So sorry for an unhappy conclusion to what should have been a happy time.
I'm gearing myself up to having my nine year old grandson for a week. He does have some problems: highly gifted but ADHD and mildly autistic and prone to temper tantrums so I hope I can keep him happy and occupied without exhausting myself - and my budget!
Have a lovely time with your grandson - I was surprised how my grandkids liked Snakes and Ladders and Ludo sometimes in preference to various ‘screens’.
I know I did my best for them when they stayed and I did explain how PMR affects me fatigue wise but it was lost in the commotion.
We did ask for the children to go to bed earlier but it was always 11pm.
I took my grandkids to the cinema to see Incredible 2 and they loved it to give son in law a break.
I tried my best but I know he wanted me to go out with them every day for 6 hours then cook tea etc I just couldn’t do that or I would collapse in a heap.
Puppy was hard work within 19 minutes of arrival we forgot to shut bedroom doors and she poo pooed on 2 beds. Awful!!!!!
Oh no - HE goes out with the children for 6 hours. Not you. And if you do take them out - he has tea on the table when you get back. Or arranges take-away which HE pays for.
You are not a cheap hotel - or dog sitter/trainer. And needs that explaining if he is too selfish to work it out for himself.
Yes, I've planned that film too, as well as go-karting and, if it appeals to him, pottery painting. But I will have to factor in my afternoon rest otherwise all will fall apart. At least my daughter is sympathetic on this point and has said I should settle him down with a book which usually works. I have forbidden the dog: large, lovable but totally untrained labrador. I simply couldn't stand the stress. My daughter didn't like it but sometimes you just have to make then understand.
It sounds as though your son-in-law needs some equally plain speaking on PMR and its trials.
The answer to bed-time should have been that YOU retired to bed at 9pm!
Your son in law needs a lesson in manners and parenting, not ".....a break." I wonder how the chidren would have behaved if your daughter had been there too?
Reading through this thread makes me feel thankful that I am childless and therefore grandchildless! I miss the pleasure, but I also miss the pain!
Hope your SIL and his children cleaned dog's mess? Their pet, not yours. You took children to the cinema to give him a break?? Where was your break? Maybe he should've made plans, before arriving, as to what he and the children could do and give YOU a break.
No he didn’t change any beds - he had been on hol with my daughter week before and he brought 15 loads of washing with him - I am busy doing my washing today as no line or machine for 10 days - daughter went home 200 miles awY to work. I don’t see the 3 grandkids very often so didn’t want to cause a fuss. He left on icy atmosphere after all we did! But got a call saying lovely to stay with us . Pup toileting over bed too in visit!! I think I am a pushover but it has to change !!!!!
If you are daft enough to have him again make sure you know the address of the local laundrette in advance - they are geared up for large loads of washing and drying. Also have a selection of leaflets for local eating options. We ate in one night - my younger daughter cooked. Dad opened the wine and I sat and watched.
Of course you want to see the children but many episodes like that and you WON'T want to see any of them. Better to avoid arguments by setting the ground rules in advance. They have a choice - when we visited OH's parents when his stepfather had a heart condition we stayed with a friend and visited. Arriving after breakfast and leaving before dinner. It worked nicely for both sides.
But your SonIL sounds like my BIL - we had told them the stepfather was quite unwell and couldn't cope with the noise and upheaval of young children being around. So they rented a cabin on the nearby caravan site - and promptly only slept there, arriving for breakfast. My niece announced loudly that this was "how poor people went on holiday" - no, sweetheart, poor people don't GO on holiday. They were utter snobs.
I don't know what to say! He does know you're ill.? I'm exhausted after a day with my granddaughters, they are well behaved but it's the constant chatter🤣.The puppy would of sent me completely mad.Say NO next time😣
I SO SO SO understand. I had 40! days with my daughter, son in law and a 3 year old and a 6year old. ...whom like you I love, but exhaust me! Do NOT feel the least bit guilty. You were wonderful to have them. I think, sadly, it is harder for sons to understand than it is for daughters...our fatigue etc.. (just the problem of not also being a woman) but that said one must try not to LOOK so healthy and must lie down in a heap on the floor or couch from time to time when company arrives...so they get the idea! haha. I think it is the problem..we don't LOOK SICK!!! I think it sounds like you love them VERY MUCH and I;m sure you enjoyed most of the time... as did I, but it is exhausted (even without PMR) .. The puppy!!!!!!! oh no!!! that had to be the last straw. I did not have a puppy arrive too. Also there is no reason for YOU to take them out everyday. He should be doing that. it isn't easy. I hope you are lying on the couch reading all the love being sent to you from this our life-saving support system!!!! Rest and Read or watch TV. (Just watching a wonderful Netflix series called, Secret City)!
Lord - 40 days with my elder daughter would have had me moving out to the camper van on the village campsite for the duration!
I could do it when my grandchildren were 6 and 3, I took them skiing (after ski-school was out). But I was a very young oma, 13 years younger and although I had PMR still did ski.
That is exactly it! I am always getting told that I look really well.This coupled with the fact that I try to ignore the PMR as much as possible and keep up a constant fast pace doesn't help people to understand.Even I think that I'm being lazy if I stop when the dreaded fatigue strikes! So it must be hard for others to understand ....Thank heavens for all you wonderful people here.
Good. Great. Gracious. Cassie!! You have just experienced the equivalent of running a marathon!! Times three!!!
In my experience, Guests of any sort require an enormous amount of energy...and in our PMR worlds, that is exactly the element we are lacking. SIL sounds like an inconsiderate fellow to have arrived with the family and a puppy! For 10 days.
All done now,......time for you to relax and let the stress ease off.
Maybe draft a note to yourself, as a reminder of the stressfulness of the protracted visit...and list some responses to use for the next time someone proposes to vacation at your house.......be they family or friend.
In the past, such events were no problem for me......but these days ...Not so much.
I send you thanks for being a gracious host, and hope you have a restful next week.
Well Cassie words can't explain the disbelief I feel at you being treated like that.
I admit to having a good laugh though, not at your dilemma but some of the responses. I'm a bit like you in that I don't like to upset my kids and will do anything for them but that does take the biscuit, or the dog did! Bringing an untrained puppy is a definite no no, they should have put it in kennels, they got a cheap holiday anyway so could afford it. If it came it would have been tied up outside, and if it barked the SIL would have had to stay with it in the shed/garage. I'd have ear plugs. You've got to be cruel to be kind, that was so selfish and disrespectful and you must tell your daughter what a nightmare it was for you. It would have been easier just the children staying as they do tend to 'behave' when the parents aren't there. You say you don't see them that often well I would use the fact you're exhausted for the next 6 months, even if you're not, to get home just how hard it was. Next time they want to visit it has to be planned and kept to, discuss where they can stay next time ie Premier Inn and pay for their breakfast so they don't come round too early. Make it sound like a treat for the kids, then you won't feel too bad as I know it's hard for you. Choose whatever time of day is best for you and stick to it to go out and do activities with them and you go home to bed and they go to PI. That way you will be able to go out for the day with them and you won't be as exhausted.
Whatever you do do not feel bad, work out how you're going to tell it but tell it as it was for you! Your daughter will understand. Does she understand your illness? She's the one here to make her family understand and apart from all that no one should treat another's home like that. My grandson never gets told to eat at the table never mind sit up when at home but he does when with us, I can't stand to see sloven behaviour. I blame the parents all the way. If the children were told how you feel I bet they would understand more than your SIL - and each time you're asked how you are say you don't know what's wrong with you're so tired. Have a much needed rest now and don't worry about talking to your daughter, you'll find a way.
Thanks so much for your reply and good advice within - I am resting now watching all the soaps I missed for the last 2 weeks! I will have a word with her and tell her how I feel. The puppy raced up the stairs 3 steps at a time - did its business on my bed- then raced downstairs and did some more on the children’s bed - so there was me changing beds only a few minutes in to the visit as they dropped the kids and puppy off and went for a meal!
Other moments included my grandson using my new sofa as a trampoline at 10pm, the huge puppy jumping on hubby and I at 3am one morning scaring us!!
Yes they do tend to behave better without their parents- we were all siting quietly when son in law returned at 9pm, the kids started to jump around , shout and slam doors.
I did enjoy lots of happy times with grandkids despite the chaos!!
Good for you, I record the one soap I watch when away. I can understand the children being excited to see you and they would think it great but they are old enough to know boundaries and they took advantage because they could. They love you dearly regardless. Re the puppy, I still shake my head when I think of it and for sure it would have been tied up outside. Your SIL needs a wake up call! You are too kind so enjoy your well deserved rest and see them again with stipulations strictly in place. You'll do it.
Thanks for your positive advice - puppy howling when outside!! Son in law has other family within a few miles but they won’t allow dog in house allergic or don’t like dogs!!
They should have a dog cage, I think they're collapsible, I know folks that have used them for puppies, they just live in there until trained - never liked the idea but they are good in the short term and of course stops them chewing everything when you go out. i'm not surprised others wouldn't put up with it either. You could develop an allergy too! or just be sterner where the dogs concerned!
Then that sets the scene - you say the same, outside or they must get a transport cage to use when visiting. My daughter's dog is always put in a crate when travelling or being left alone in the house - even not as a puppy but they are rescue dogs so have a few issues sometimes!
Just reading your account makes me feel exhausted, this is it nobody outside seems to understand this illness even those close to you, being tired is not the same as being so ' Christmas crackered' you can hardly walk. Just keep posting here at least we all understand.
Maybe a note to your daughter saying how you loved seeing the children... but you realized what a toll this damn disease is taking on you and while you tried to hide it you really are suffering now. BUT please not to take this as an affront..you want so much to see the grandchildren as often as possible. but you'll have to skip a lot of the laundry and cooking and after an hour or two might need a lie down!!! somehow to say it without getting those defenses daughters have UP!!! Or again. just be lying in a heap when they arrive. !!
Arh, its horrible , when i was really poorly a few weeks ago,i had my son, wife and beautiful 7 month old granddaughter to stay for the weekend,it was great to see them, but it sapped every bit of energy from my body !
Yes I had the same in the summer - before they came down quite a distance they said don’t worry Nan we will do everything but in reality that’s not possible - for me anyway - getting food in, beds ready, it’s really more than annoying this PMR but it’s age too!Then I wanted to go out with them to the beach etc but was already tired with breakfast stuff . It’s not just the physical stuff it’s having young minds and young people won’t relax I find- how wonderful it was to see the 18 month old but it’s a total change of routine for us PMRs and oldies!
I don’t think there’s an answer to it in reality we want to see them and after all they drive 6 hours to get here.
It just helps to just sit there in the morning and let them get on with it, that happened but they left a trail of clearing up for hubby! He didn’t mind .We love them all so we have to put up with the tiredness and sneak off to bed just after baby does! It’s horrible feeling so tired but carry on asking them over it’s so worth it!
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