“Un mal pour un bien”

Those that can't do... rant!

rantingsofamadwomanblog.com...

Warning: If you are easily offended, you may find some of the language in this blog offensive. I apologise in advance and beg forgiveness.

[Insight329]

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”—Kahlil Gibran

[Hidden in reply to Insight329]

❤️

[Hidden]

Those cliches like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and YOLO are cliches for a reason.

Learning to find a lot you can be happy with is vital when managing long term illness, or seeing a loved one forge their own way of managing illness and impending death.

I have never asked "why me" when each long term medical condition raised its head. That doesn't mean I didn't get depressed or anxious about my future. Or that I still don't. I don't have a religion or faith to lean on in hard times, although I am a spiritual person. I just think why not me..there is another lesson I haven't learned yet. All I can do is , again the old cliche, treat people kindly and as I would expect to be treated. But if you shout at me or are rude to me...expect that back. Just because I am a 5'3" fat woman in her mid 50s who limps and walks with a crutch doesn't mean I won't hold my ground (as several..usually 6ft men have found out).

Life is all about expectation and perception and shifting both....along with a good dollop of humour...is what keeps me sane. They allow me to metaphorically and literally walk away from situations that would drive me insane.😲

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Beautiful.... ❤️

And Poopadoop, I am so impressed you have never asked, "Why me?" I'm embarrassed to say that I ask that question all the time... the good news is I usually come up with answers to the question "Why not me?" which keeps things real for me.

"Expectation and perception and shifting both." I like that !

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Don't be embarrassed about asking questions like "why me". It shows a strong sense of self confidence which is never a bad thing. It is the question that allows you to shift expectation and perception. Everyone has their own way of achieving it. The Christmas story said it brilliantly.

[GOOD_GRIEF]

What you're describing is the attribute of resilience - the quality that, when faced with a range of choices (none of which we want) we manufacture a new choice out of nothing. And run with it.

You have always been creative, a good writer, have a great sense of the absurd and a great sense of humor. And you've been resilient. Those qualities made you a "kick ass project manager".

Now I'll tell a story.

I was probably 8 or 9 years old, and my grandmother took me with her to shop for a Christmas tree. She took me to several different corners and lots in New York, and we saw some some really awesome trees. Tall elegant trees. Short fat trees. Trees with long branches. Trees with short branches. Bushy trees. Trees with evenly spaced slim branches. Firs and spruces and pines in every shade from grey to green to blue.

Grandma wasn't satisfied.

Finally, we went to a lot far from her house. There, grandma found the tree she was looking for.

It had everything.

It was blue-green. It was tall, had broad sweeping branches on the bottom, bushy spots to cradle her small gem ornaments, and hollows through the middle to show off the finials. It even had a bird's nest deep inside.

I walked around to the other side of the tree, and was disappointed to discovered several dead branches. That's the tree Grandma wanted.

I asked her, when we had seen so many trees that were really been perfect all around, why this was the one she wanted.

She took my hand and walked me to the "good side" of the tree.

She said "When you don't like what you see, change where you stand".

I didn't really understand what she meant for years. But it stuck with me. And when I met up with a shattering experience, it came back to me. And I understood. It was a long walk around that "tree" to find the good side, and there were longer and shorter walks in the decades to come.

But when I don't like what i see, I change where I stand.

[Hidden in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

Ohhhhh Good_Grief, I LOVE that story!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!!! She must have been the most fabulous Grandmother!

"When you don't like what you see, change where you stand".

[LizzieGuinn in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

I love this story - my version of the same idea, which has got me through some hard moments in my life, is ‘move your brain sideways’. But it’s so hard at times with this illness......

[Soraya_PMR in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

Wonderful story GOOD_GRIEF Very meaningful.

Have you ever read the book ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’? It’s full of little gems like this. Your Christmas tree story is worthy of that book.

[SheffieldJane in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

That is profound GOOD_GRIEF. I love grandmother wisdom. That is the kind of grandmother I want to be. Beauty in the eye of the beholder too. Things don’t have to be perfect.

[GOOD_GRIEF in reply to SheffieldJane]

We see the kind of "auntie" you are, and have no doubt you are an outstanding Grandmother, too.

Rock on.

[SheffieldJane in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

Thank you for that, as I lie sprawled on the bed pole axed by a shower. It really helps. This forum has so many healers it is unique. We’re blessed.🌺

[GOOD_GRIEF in reply to SheffieldJane]

Hey, I'm barely able to get off the couch to fetch a cup of tea this morning. But I'm going to have to. My hairdresser promised to make me look "cute" again. I hope so. I'm starting to look like The Lucky Dog.

[Hidden in reply to SheffieldJane]

I had to read that message a couple of times. On my smartphone the sentence read like you were on your " bed pole" and had been "axed by a shower " and I was trying to think what an earth that was. Then I realised you were poleaxed but my phone split it up. Hope you have recovered. They are exhausting sometimes.

[Soraya_PMR in reply to Hidden]

You are not alone Hidden

(Musing.......SJ has been pole dancing? My goodness she feels better today )

[SheffieldJane in reply to Soraya_PMR]

🤣👏

[SheffieldJane in reply to Hidden]

My fairly illiterate autocorrect is always doing this sort of thing. It drives me crazy. I wouldn’t mind if it was clever but it isn’t.

Mind you that description was not too bad, for how I feel.

[Soraya_PMR in reply to SheffieldJane]

It might not be clever, but it makes me smile 🙃

[SheffieldJane in reply to Soraya_PMR]

You are much nicer than me. It makes me want to grab it by it’s scruffy beard and give it a vocabulary lesson.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hahahahahahaha

[Slowdown]

You always make me think.. this time about your 'quandary'. Cost/benefit equations sort of go with your former life as a Project Manager, not so easy to compute when it's personal and on a physical v. psychological spectrum... they don't equate, a bit like trying to fit pieces of a jigsaw together that are from two different boxes.

The grief/gift balance constantly shifts, acceptance (that word again) of the grief eventually forces us, out of sheer despair sometimes, to discover other ways of 'being us', what a breakthrough that is, as you have so brilliantly shown in your writing. Keep blogging, Melissa - it's your journey, and ours, keep the thoughts coming!

[Hidden in reply to Slowdown]

Thank you Slowdown, I had even seen the "cost/benefit equation" as an extension of my 35 years as a PM!!!! Of course, it was so obvious! I have no choice BUT to ask those questions.

And you are so RIGHT, "they don't equate," at all! A bit like trying to "hear" red, or "taste" clouds!

Ahhhhhh, and there was that word again! Acceptance. I just can't get away from it.

Thank you for your profound insight, your comments and you continued support!

xxx

[SheffieldJane in reply to Hidden]

I have that thing where numbers have/ are colours, will that do?

[Hidden in reply to SheffieldJane]

Do you????? WOW, fascinating! Is it cool or is it annoying???

[SheffieldJane in reply to Hidden]

It’s normal. Good for setting passwords.

[GOOD_GRIEF in reply to SheffieldJane]

Love that. "It's normal."

That's the attitude we should all take for "the human condition", and it's amazing array of "normal", including PMR and GCA.

[Hidden in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

Really, huh?

[SheffieldJane in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

Here here. We are all normal in our beautiful diversity.

[SheffieldJane in reply to SheffieldJane]

Didn’t mean to sound Po faced. ☺️

[Hidden in reply to SheffieldJane]

I'll bet!!!!! I'd NEVER guess your password.. my mind does not think like that!!!!

[SheffieldJane in reply to Hidden]

You are teal green years of age, but you don’t look a day over crimson white.

We’ve all got quirks - this one is linked to the empathetic type thing we talked about.

[GOOD_GRIEF in reply to SheffieldJane]

I have to say I'm jealous. I work with numbers all day long and if they were colors, work would be soooo much more interesting.

[SheffieldJane in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

Colours help me to understand numbers. They were also a great study aid. I would highlight my notes in all colours of the rainbow and remember them that way.

I am jealous of your ability to understand numbers and probably see the beauty in them. Math always felt like a trick to me.

[Hidden in reply to SheffieldJane]

Yes, I remember! Fascinating. I love being teal green years of age!... but not looking a day over crimson white! : )

[SheffieldJane in reply to Hidden]

Good morning Melissa! Another one enjoying the dawn chorus. 🐥🦅

[Hidden in reply to SheffieldJane]

It's beautiful this morning. I have just been standing on the back door step singing "oh what a beautiful morning." With the dog singing along. My neighbours are used to my quirks now. They still talk and text me so don't think I scare them too much. 😂

[SheffieldJane]

I love the mood this blog encapsulates. It is a while since i have felt my wise self rising to the fore. It is magnificent when it happens. When your story makes sense and you see the point of adversity and how it grows your soul if you let it. It kind of links with GOOD_GRIEF and her grandmother’s wisdom. Let’s look at all this from a different angle and see the beauty. You always know when the best part of you is in control. You have this overwhelming urge to reach out and help others. You do that Melissa in a unique and special way. Thank you. ❤️

[Hidden in reply to SheffieldJane]

Wow! Thanks Jane! I never realised that I actually felt this way (about adversity) in fact, it wasn't until the piece was written and I was re-reading it, that I said to myself, "Hmmmmm, that's really true!" Hahahaha. It was like someone else had had the epiphany and I was reading about it! Thank you for your lovely, encouraging words. xx

[Jackoh]

Loved the positives that you listed Melissa". Have seen the "slowing down in order to hear others" or however you phrased it and have seen Melissa how you have been able to encourage and empathise with others. Also for me one of your other positives has been really good - to say no to something and not feel that I have to give a reason. Certainly for me that has been life changing.

[Hidden in reply to Jackoh]

Thanks Jackoh! Yes, it is funny how something so simple (and BASIC) as saying "no," to someone, without giving reasons, excuses, or justifying myself is so difficult... Why? Shouldn't we put ourselves first... especially when we are struggling and feeling poorly? I think we should!

Thank you for reading, your kind words and your continued support!

[Rimmy]

Hi Melissa

I think you have very eloquently answered your own 'quandary' question - the list of 'positives' is very significant - tooo significant NOT to have experienced these things - and after all they were/are mainly beyond your control. (no reference intended to Dangerous Liaisons). You may have been able to 'decide' to end a marriage or two - and they both sounded like intelligent decisions -( I made one of those myself realising I could not live my life being perpetually 'unhappy) but the loss of your mother and brother and the 'contraction' of AI diseases were never 'choices'.

In the end we can only control certain things - so much that happens is quite unexpected - the people we find to 'love', the ones we 'lose' - the way things turn out when people do not not behave the way we think they might (or should) - diseases and illness - and the huge surprises of the 'unpredictable' - all that stuff we never knew anything about until it happened to 'us' .

It's a real cliche to say 'life is complicated' but like many cliches it expresses more than an element of 'truth' or at least common experience - and in this complexity we must all try to live our 'best' possible lives. A fork in the road - a very small one in retrospect could have changed so many things about the lives we live today - it's difficult to get older and not have those 'sliding doors' moments. But given all of this I think an outlook which recognises how 'fortunate' we are to even still 'BE HERE' when so many others are not (and would we know like to have been ) and we can count some blessings and admire something they would have loved - or do something they would have liked us to have done - is a great incentive to get on with it all.

So I think there really IS no 'quandary' and the only 'choice' we really have is to do the very best we can with whatever it is we have which includes all the things we know we cannot change - and the things we can (I know this sounds reminiscent of the AA 'prayer') or otherwise there WAS/IS no point in any of that 'bad' or 'good' stuff (aka 'LIFE') ever happening at all ....

Rimmy

X

[SheffieldJane in reply to Rimmy]

Wise words Rimmy. Woke up with a flare on Poopadoop’s beautiful morning. My Rheumatologist is off for the foreseeable so I ‘m going to try and handle this myself, with a little help from my friends.