Greetings Polymalingerers and Pred Playmates worldwide 
Well, it’s THAT time (of year) again! December has crept up on us all - just like PMR did - and it's the beginning of the Annual Season of Merriment, Festivities, last-minute Gift-shopping frenzies and hopes for a good old Christmas Day nosh-up with the favourite people in our Lives (or even our families and friends - ha ha!).
WARNING! Some of You Lot might find this article disturbing. If you are affected in any way, don’t blame me - I only write this silly stuff.
Following a tip-off from Insider Sources in the lucrative Professional Santa-ing Industry which traditionally contributes millions in Financial Revenues to our various national economies in Western society, I sent my Under-the-Covers Special Reporter, Tony French, to investigate a disturbing trend in the UK which could threaten the future existence of our favourite Christmas Character globally.
At a heavily guarded Santa’s Grotto in a secret location in Southern England, Tony met with ‘Reg’ (Reginald) Compton, believed to be the UK’s oldest Santa at age 103 years - and a PMR sufferer since the 1960s. His interview with Reg focused on the challenges faced by Santas in the 21st century.
New Challenges..
Tony: So, Reg, how have things changed during your long career as a Professional Santa?!
Reg: “Years ago, being a Pro-Santa was an easy, tax-free, part-time job with long holidays and your own self-contained Grotto with living expenses included and a couple of Reindeer thrown in. Nowadays it’s a dangerous occupation - like being a Doctor’s Receptionist or in Customer Services at British Gas. So much for the so-called ‘Gig Economy’ - more like the Grab-It-All Economy’?"
New ‘Consumers’…
Tony: So, how have your ‘Customers’ changed then?
Reg: “It’s those ‘Kids’ - and their parents too. In the old days, the usually angelic infants would enter my grotto enthusiastically, sit on my bouncy knees for a minute, admire my long white (false) beard and rosy cheeks, and then bu**er off gratefully with a cheap plastic gift and a magical sense of wonderment - Job Done! Nowadays, they are hustled into my Grotto like hostages by grim-faced, determined parents who expect their ‘Dear Litterluns’ to emerge with an expensive electronic gadget. Last year, the supposed ‘Dad’ of one grumpy little 5-year old B****r threatened to ‘do me over’ if (q.) his ‘Little Hero’ wasn’t given the latest iPhone after his ordeal with ‘some old codger who’s probably a fake Santa anyway’. What's Christmas coming to?"
Feeling The Squeeze..
Reg continued: “And there’s more. Since I’ve had PMR I’ve put on weight and I’m not as fit as I used to be. In modern properties it’s tough trying to squeeze myself down narrow chimneys in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve to deliver ‘Santa’s Surprise Gifts’. But if I get stuck in one and need to be extracted by the Fire and Rescue Service, my cover’s blown - and the Reindeer can’t get home without me. The Health and Safety Executive will also be on my back as a result. It’s a ‘sticky’ situation all round. But what do That Lot know about PMR? And, do they care? I think No-ho-ho…”
New Dangers..
Tony: But, Reg, you are a much-loved traditional Christmas character. Surely, no-one can ever replace you?
Reg: “Don’t believe it! Nowadays, sophisticated criminals are muscling-in on the Santa action too. My ‘patch’ here is under threat by a foreign gang who think they can turn it into an RSO (Retail Scamming Opportunity). A mate of mine says they plan to kidnap me, entice kids into my Grotto with a phoney, Virtual Santa and then SELL them fake iPhones at exorbitant prices. I have to a carry a Christmas cracker with an iron-bar hidden inside, for my own safety. Yo-Bl**dy-Ho!”.
Reg continued: “Being a Santa is a stressful job at the best of times. But especially with PMR and when you are supposed to be ‘Nice and Jolly’ to an increasingly miserable and demanding General Public. AND we have to bounce increasingly ‘chubby’ little angels on our arthritic knees whilst they scream ‘Gimmee Gimmee GIMMEE!’ at us like a bunch of football hooligans on Cup Final Day.
Under our current Santa Contract, we have to deliver up to 500 Yo-Ho-Ho’s per day at Christmas time. But this is becoming impossible with PMR and Brain Fog when you sometimes can’t even remember who you are. It could soon be a case of ‘Yo Ho NO NO NO!!’ - and with G4S Security Staff at every Santa’s Grotto acoss the UK to protect our personal safety and livelihood”.
Tougher Regulations..
Now increasingly agitated, Reg complained bitterly: “And then there’s the legal side of things. HMRC (Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs) are now investigating the Tax Affairs of genuine Santas under ‘Operation Rudolph and The Mince Spies’. Also, the UK Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency are increasing Road Tax on our Reindeer Sleighs and imposing Financial Penalties for non-compliance. These new, punitive measures could mean the end of Santa Claus as we know him (or her, in the case of my female colleague, Santa Claudia)”.
In a tearful and literally explosive outburst, Santa ‘Reg’ angrily concluded: “Us Professional Santas need more protection both from Criminal Imposters AND the Regulatory Authorities if we are to continue our important seasonal work! If we don’t get it, we will take Industrial Action and withdraw our services from Society in general! No more Yo-ho-ho and a lesson to those B***… er.. Grrr.. Aghhh.. UggHH… GMPHHH… SPLATCHH!!!!”.
At this point, Tony’s interview with ‘Santa’ Reg Compton ended abruptly as Reg suddenly choked on his false teeth and spat them out at high velocity into his bowl of freshly prepared hot chicken soup. As you might understand, the remainder of their conversation is too distressing to report here… 
Fortunately, our dear Santa, aka ‘Reg’ Compton, is reported to be recovering well from his traumatic ordeal and hopes to be appearing again at a Department Store near you very soon. But Christmas Consumers (and your kids / grandkids) beware: as with the rest of modern society, the Rules of Engagement are changing, and so is our beloved Santa…
(***end of Special Report by Tony French***)
So, there you have it. Be nice to your local Santa this year, try to be Happy over the Christmas period, and don’t have Nightmares after reading this nonsense. For my part..? I'm just getting ready to start my seasonal job at the local department store - as Santa’s Stunt Man, of course 
Oh yes, and not forgetting: sending a few copies of my new book to those 5-and-a half of You Lot of my alleged 'Followers' who are daft enough to want to buy it. Watch this space - and the PMRGCAuk Winter Newswire - coming up very soon..
Yo-ho-Ho!
MB :-)
