Greetings Polymylingerers and Pred Playmates worldwide.
Well, it’s THAT time of year! December has seemingly crept-up on us once again (as if it were for the first time - Ha?!), along with the beginning of the Annual Season of Merriment, Festivities, last-minute Gift-shopping Frenzies and hopes for a good-old Christmas Day Nosh-Up with our favourite people (or even our families and friends - ha ha!).
First: WARNING! Some of You Lot might find this article disturbing. If you are affected in any way, don’t blame me - I only write this silly stuff.
Following a tip-off from Insider Sources in the lucrative Professional Santa-ing Industry which traditionally contributes ££ Millions in Revenue to our various national economies in Western Society, I sent my Under-the-Covers Special Reporter, Tony French, to investigate a new and disturbing trend in the UK which could threaten the future existence of our favourite Christmas Character.
At a heavily guarded Santa’s Grotto in a secret location in Southern England (ok, Debenhams in Portsmouth if you really want to know), Tony met with ‘Reg’ (Reginald) Compton, believed to be the UK’s oldest Santa at age 103 years - and a PMR sufferer since the 1960s. His interview with Reg focused on the challenges faced by Santas in the 21st century.
NEW CHALLENGES..
Tony: So, Reg, how have things changed during your long career as a Professional Santa?
Reg: Years ago, being a Pro-Santa was an easy, tax-free, part-time job with long holidays and your own self-contained Grotto with living expenses included and a few Reindeer chucked in. Nowadays it’s a dangerous occupation - like being a Doctor’s Receptionist or in Customer Services at British Gas. So much for the so-called ‘Gig Economy’ - more like the Grab-All-You-Can-Economy’?
NEW ‘CONSUMERS’…
Tony: So, how have your ‘Customers’ changed then?
Reg: It’s those ‘KIDDIES’ - and their parents too. In the old days the infants would enter my grotto enthusiastically, sit on my PMR-addled bouncy knees for a minute, admire my long white (false) beard and rosy cheeks, and then Bu**er off gratefully with a cheap plastic gift and a magical sense of wonderment - Job's a Good-un? Nowadays, they are hustled into my Grotto like hostages by grim-faced, determined parents who expect their ‘Dear Litterluns’ to emerge with an expensive electronic gadget.
Last year, the supposed ‘Dad’ of one 5 year-old threatened to ‘do me over’ if his ‘Little Hero’ wasn’t given the latest iPhone and X Box after his ordeal with (q.) ‘some old codger who’s probably a FAKE anyway’.
IS SANTA FEELING THE SQUEEZE?
Reg continued: And there’s more. Since I’ve had PMR I’ve put on weight and I’m not as fit as I used to be. In modern properties it’s tough trying to squeeze myself down narrow chimneys in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve to deliver ‘Santa’s Surprise Gifts’. But if I get stuck in one and need to be extracted by the Fire and Rescue Service, my cover’s blown - and the Reindeer can’t get home without me. The HSE (Health and Safety Executive) will also be on my back as a result. It’s a ‘sticky’ situation all round. But what do That Lot know about PMR? And, in any case, do they care? I think NO-ho-ho… :-(
NEW DANGERS..
Tony: But, Reg, you are a much-loved traditional Christmas character. Surely, no-one can ever replace you?
Reg: Don’t believe it! Nowadays, sophisticated criminals are muscling-in on the Santa Action too. My ‘patch’ in my Santa’s Grotto is under threat by a Foreign Gang who think they can turn it into an RSO (Retail Scamming Opportunity). A mate of mine says they plan to kidnap me, entice the kids into my Grotto with a phoney, Virtual Santa and then SELL them fake iPhones at exorbitant prices. I have to a carry a Christmas cracker with an iron-bar hidden inside, for my own safety. Yo-Bl**dy-Ho!.
Reg continued:
Being a Santa is a stressful job at the best of times, but especially with PMR and when you are supposed to be (q.) ‘Nice and Jolly’ to an increasingly miserable and demanding General Public. AND we have to bounce increasingly ‘chubby’ little angels on our arthritic knees whilst they scream ‘Gimmee Gimmee GIMMEE!’ at us like a bunch of football hooligans on Cup Final Day.
Under our current Santa Contract, we have to deliver up to 500 Yo-Ho-Ho’s per day at Christmas time. But this is becoming impossible with PMR and Brain Fog when you sometimes can’t even remember who you are. It could soon be a case of ‘Yo Ho NO NO NO!!’ - and G4S Security Staff at every Santa’s Grotto in the UK to protect our personal safety and livelihood”.
TOUGHER REGULATIONS..
Now increasingly agitated, Reg complained bitterly: And then there’s the Legal side of being a Santa. HMRC (Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs) are now investigating the Tax Affairs of all Santas under ‘Operation Rudolph and The Mince Spies’. Also, the UK Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency are increasing Road Tax on Reindeer Sleighs and imposing Financial Penalties for non-compliance. These tougher measures could mean the end of Santa Claus as we know him (or her, in the case of my female colleague, Santa Claudia).
In a tearful and literally explosive outburst, Santa ‘Reg’ angrily concluded: Us Professional Santas need more protection both from Criminal Imposters AND the Regulatory Authorities if we are to continue our important Seasonal Work! If we don’t get it, we will take Industrial Action and withdraw our services from Society in general! No more Yo-ho-ho and a lesson to those.. B***… er.. Grrr.. Aghhh.. UGGHH… GMPHHH… SPLATCHH!!!!.
At this point, Tony’s interview with ‘Santa’ Reg Compton ended abruptly as Reg suddenly choked on his false teeth and spat them out at high velocity into his bowl of freshly prepared hot chicken soup. As you might understand, the remainder of their conversation is too graphic and distressing to report here…
Fortunately, our dear Santa, ‘Reg’ Compton, is recovering well from his ordeal and hopes to be appearing again at a Department Store near you very soon (if any still exist?). But Christmas Consumers (and your kids / grandkids) beware: as with the rest of modern society, the Rules of Engagement are changing, and so is our beloved Santa…
(***end of Special Report by Tony French***)
So, there you have it. Be nice to your local Santa this year, try to relax during the often, paradoxically stressful Christmas period, and don’t have Nightmares after reading this nonsense.
For my part..? Just getting ready to start my Seasonal Job at my local department store - as Santa’s Stunt Man, of course. Yo-ho-Ho?! 
As another year passes, we 'Turn the page' and let's hope for a healthy and positive year ahead
In the meantime, try to keep smiling on the PMR / GCA Journey. Yes, it's tough: but it can get better.
With Best Christmas wishes to all here.
‘Uncle’ MB
Merry Christmas Everyone
