The Lighter Side: The Santa ‘CLAUSE’. ‘Yo-Ho-No... - PMRGCAuk

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The Lighter Side: The Santa ‘CLAUSE’. ‘Yo-Ho-No-No-NO’!!? :-{ Shock Christmas Report by Tony French ;-)

markbenjamin57 profile image
41 Replies

Greetings Polymalingerers and Pred Playmates worldwide :-)

Well, it’s THAT time (of year) again! December has crept up on us all - just like PMR did - and it's the beginning of the Annual Season of Merriment, Festivities, last-minute Gift-shopping frenzies and hopes for a good old Christmas Day nosh-up with the favourite people in our Lives (or even our families and friends - ha ha!).

WARNING! Some of You Lot might find this article disturbing. If you are affected in any way, don’t blame me - I only write this silly stuff.

Following a tip-off from Insider Sources in the lucrative Professional Santa-ing Industry which traditionally contributes millions in Financial Revenues to our various national economies in Western society, I sent my Under-the-Covers Special Reporter, Tony French, to investigate a disturbing trend in the UK which could threaten the future existence of our favourite Christmas Character globally.

At a heavily guarded Santa’s Grotto in a secret location in Southern England, Tony met with ‘Reg’ (Reginald) Compton, believed to be the UK’s oldest Santa at age 103 years - and a PMR sufferer since the 1960s. His interview with Reg focused on the challenges faced by Santas in the 21st century.

New Challenges..

Tony: So, Reg, how have things changed during your long career as a Professional Santa?!

Reg: “Years ago, being a Pro-Santa was an easy, tax-free, part-time job with long holidays and your own self-contained Grotto with living expenses included and a couple of Reindeer thrown in. Nowadays it’s a dangerous occupation - like being a Doctor’s Receptionist or in Customer Services at British Gas. So much for the so-called ‘Gig Economy’ - more like the Grab-It-All Economy’?"

New ‘Consumers’…

Tony: So, how have your ‘Customers’ changed then?

Reg: “It’s those ‘Kids’ - and their parents too. In the old days, the usually angelic infants would enter my grotto enthusiastically, sit on my bouncy knees for a minute, admire my long white (false) beard and rosy cheeks, and then bu**er off gratefully with a cheap plastic gift and a magical sense of wonderment - Job Done! Nowadays, they are hustled into my Grotto like hostages by grim-faced, determined parents who expect their ‘Dear Litterluns’ to emerge with an expensive electronic gadget. Last year, the supposed ‘Dad’ of one grumpy little 5-year old B****r threatened to ‘do me over’ if (q.) his ‘Little Hero’ wasn’t given the latest iPhone after his ordeal with ‘some old codger who’s probably a fake Santa anyway’. What's Christmas coming to?"

Feeling The Squeeze..

Reg continued: “And there’s more. Since I’ve had PMR I’ve put on weight and I’m not as fit as I used to be. In modern properties it’s tough trying to squeeze myself down narrow chimneys in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve to deliver ‘Santa’s Surprise Gifts’. But if I get stuck in one and need to be extracted by the Fire and Rescue Service, my cover’s blown - and the Reindeer can’t get home without me. The Health and Safety Executive will also be on my back as a result. It’s a ‘sticky’ situation all round. But what do That Lot know about PMR? And, do they care? I think No-ho-ho…” 

New Dangers..

Tony: But, Reg, you are a much-loved traditional Christmas character. Surely, no-one can ever replace you?

Reg: “Don’t believe it! Nowadays, sophisticated criminals are muscling-in on the Santa action too. My ‘patch’ here is under threat by a foreign gang who think they can turn it into an RSO (Retail Scamming Opportunity). A mate of mine says they plan to kidnap me, entice kids into my Grotto with a phoney, Virtual Santa and then SELL them fake iPhones at exorbitant prices. I have to a carry a Christmas cracker with an iron-bar hidden inside, for my own safety. Yo-Bl**dy-Ho!”.

Reg continued: “Being a Santa is a stressful job at the best of times. But especially with PMR and when you are supposed to be ‘Nice and Jolly’ to an increasingly miserable and demanding General Public. AND we have to bounce increasingly ‘chubby’ little angels on our arthritic knees whilst they scream ‘Gimmee Gimmee GIMMEE!’ at us like a bunch of football hooligans on Cup Final Day.

Under our current Santa Contract, we have to deliver up to 500 Yo-Ho-Ho’s per day at Christmas time. But this is becoming impossible with PMR and Brain Fog when you sometimes can’t even remember who you are. It could soon be a case of ‘Yo Ho NO NO NO!!’ - and with G4S Security Staff at every Santa’s Grotto acoss the UK to protect our personal safety and livelihood”.

Tougher Regulations..

Now increasingly agitated, Reg complained bitterly: “And then there’s the legal side of things. HMRC (Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs) are now investigating the Tax Affairs of genuine Santas under ‘Operation Rudolph and The Mince Spies’. Also, the UK Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency are increasing Road Tax on our Reindeer Sleighs and imposing Financial Penalties for non-compliance. These new, punitive measures could mean the end of Santa Claus as we know him (or her, in the case of my female colleague, Santa Claudia)”.

In a tearful and literally explosive outburst, Santa ‘Reg’ angrily concluded: “Us Professional Santas need more protection both from Criminal Imposters AND the Regulatory Authorities if we are to continue our important seasonal work! If we don’t get it, we will take Industrial Action and withdraw our services from Society in general! No more Yo-ho-ho and a lesson to those B***… er.. Grrr.. Aghhh.. UggHH… GMPHHH… SPLATCHH!!!!”.

At this point, Tony’s interview with ‘Santa’ Reg Compton ended abruptly as Reg suddenly choked on his false teeth and spat them out at high velocity into his bowl of freshly prepared hot chicken soup. As you might understand, the remainder of their conversation is too distressing to report here… :-/

Fortunately, our dear Santa, aka ‘Reg’ Compton, is reported to be recovering well from his traumatic ordeal and hopes to be appearing again at a Department Store near you very soon. But Christmas Consumers (and your kids / grandkids) beware: as with the rest of modern society, the Rules of Engagement are changing, and so is our beloved Santa…

(***end of Special Report by Tony French***)

So, there you have it. Be nice to your local Santa this year, try to be Happy over the Christmas period, and don’t have Nightmares after reading this nonsense. For my part..? I'm just getting ready to start my seasonal job at the local department store - as Santa’s Stunt Man, of course :-D

Oh yes, and not forgetting: sending a few copies of my new book to those 5-and-a half of You Lot of my alleged 'Followers' who are daft enough to want to buy it. Watch this space - and the PMRGCAuk Winter Newswire - coming up very soon..;-)

Yo-ho-Ho!

MB :-)

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markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57
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41 Replies
shella profile image
shella

Hilarious as usual 😂

How do we get copies of your new book - large print of course for those of us who’s eyes have deteriorated somewhat due to large doses of steroids....will keep family amused over the holidays!

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toshella

Thanks shella :-) More details early next week, the book will be available from around 12 December ;-)

shella profile image
shella in reply tomarkbenjamin57

Book signing ? 😉

Vasculitis shop of course!

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toshella

Now there's a thought..! ;-)

SheffieldJane profile image
SheffieldJane

I love your under the covers reporter Tony French. He sounds such a lounge lizard ( on his days off of course). We winter Polymalingerers are not having many laughs at the moment. Christmas looms like an obstacle course. So the adventures of Reg Compton the fake news Santa are a welcome diversion. Do tell us about your stunts?

Polylinc profile image
Polylinc

💤💤💤💤💤

Rosbud profile image
Rosbud

What A great way to kick start the Christmas Season , just wish I had half your wit and wisdom , well done x

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toRosbud

Ah, thanks and bless you Rosbud. As always, I blame You Lot for encouraging me ;-) :-D

Jackoh profile image
Jackoh

Good to hear from you- wondered where you'd gone!! Looking forward to buying your book!!

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toJackoh

Thanks Jackie :-). It'll be available VERY soon ;-)

Gaijin profile image
Gaijin

Im dying to read your book, I finally get the hang of your writing style and understand your humour without having to dissect your text...hahahaha

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toGaijin

Thanks Gaijin :-)

Gaijin profile image
Gaijin in reply tomarkbenjamin57

I take that back...after reading this thread..hahaha..I couldn't understand anyone ..not even PMRPro!

Ha Mark, its dawned on me at last that Tony French is non other than your good self :-) and seeing that I am an old age pensioner, I hope I can get a good discount on your new book :-)

Only kidding

Pete :-)

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply to

Well Pete, that took you a while..;-) :-D. Ok, hands up - yep, TF is a figment of my fertile (or is it futile?) imagination. Well, it keeps me off the streets... :-)

Yes, 'concessions' for some OAPs - provided you are over 95 and can provide me with evidence that you're as Mad as a Box of Frogs? :-D

in reply tomarkbenjamin57

Ha Mark, well I can vouch that " I am as mad as a box of 🐸 frogs" will that do? 🤗🤣😀

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply to

Ok Pete, I'll take your word for that ;-). But I'm afraid that you don't look 95 so I'll need some additional ID? :-D

shella profile image
shella in reply tomarkbenjamin57

Over 95 and a letter from your parents...,,,,?

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toshella

Ok shella. So, I'll relax the 'Rules' a just a little bit for my 'Favourites' here ;-) :-)

shella profile image
shella in reply tomarkbenjamin57

😉

Sandradsn profile image
Sandradsn

Mince spies!😂😂😂😂

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toSandradsn

OMG! I just realised, that term could be interpreted in a number of ways depending on one's, er, well, better not elaborate..! :-D

HeronNS profile image
HeronNS in reply tomarkbenjamin57

I had to look up "mad as a box of frogs" in case it meant something I hadn't thought of and found this amusing article. Which I hope isn't hiding behind a paywall.

theglobeandmail.com/arts/en...

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toHeronNS

Thanks Heron, what a lovely (and very appropriate) article! :-)

Ok, Yep, us Brits do have some obscure and often confusing (to non-Brits?) phrases, colloquialisms and metaphors. That said, doesn't any other language (or regional variations of..) have similar idiosyncrasies too?! :-)

PMRpro profile image
PMRproAmbassador in reply toHeronNS

It isn't! Someone on there after my own heart: the use of "myself" ALWAYS makes me scream...

But the author must have a lot of Scots in hiding as friends judging by her use of mingers and heaving :-)

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toPMRpro

I'm like: OMG!!! :-/ ;-) :-D

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toPMRpro

p.s. As some Scots might say, 'this is outwith my remit as a linguist...' :-D

in reply toHeronNS

Well it won't be long now for the Christmas Holiday to arrive or is it 'vacation' 🤗🤔

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply to

Ohh.. what have I started here (as usual)?. Better get back behind the sofa with teddy.../ ;-) :-/ :-D

HeronNS profile image
HeronNS in reply to

Pastit, I've given considered thought to your comment, and I believe the two words are used roughly equally in my neck of the woods, without confusion. Although I would say that Christmas Day is a holiday, but if I were going to go away somewhere, or while I was still working I took more days off, it would be a vacation. And we are holdouts here in the Far East of Canada, still enjoying Boxing Day as a holiday, while elsewhere the frenzied mobs who didn't get enough material loot for Christmas head into the stores (shops) for more. We save that for the 27th.

in reply toHeronNS

HeronNS,

Well, that put a spoke in my wheel 😉 thanks for that HeronNS

Pete 😎

Sandradsn profile image
Sandradsn in reply tomarkbenjamin57

😳 ?

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toSandradsn

A description for particular way of walking (no judgement implied!) ;-)

Sandradsn profile image
Sandradsn in reply tomarkbenjamin57

Oh right!I get it now😂😂😂

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toSandradsn

Ohhh, Sandra, try to keep up even if you have Brain Fog! (only joking) ;-) :-D x

Sandradsn profile image
Sandradsn in reply tomarkbenjamin57

Being a true Londoner meself.....don't get shirty with me...looking forward to a knees up at Christmas and having a butchers at your book as it's donkeys years since I read a good one,hopefully it will be a good bubble bath or ....not my cuppa tea.....ho ho no ho

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply toSandradsn

Mmm... sounds like I've been stitched up like a kipper, and no messing! ;-) :-)

p.s. more details about 'that' silly book next week - thanks as always for your support and encouragement :-)

There are many saying that appeared in my childhood in 60s onwards...that was West Yorkshire and had different accents to people in Leeds who spoke very fast and Castleford folk who had much different says. Got from love to mate to darling in different yorkshire areas that I have lived. Never mind differences outside the great county of yorkshire.

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply to

Eehhhh.... ;-) :-D

in reply tomarkbenjamin57

By gum 😃

markbenjamin57 profile image
markbenjamin57 in reply to

:-D

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