Just fed up and wonder what life is about

At 50 years of age , I'm just wondering what life is all about , I've been married for 20 years got twins aged 18 years old , I'm now living in Cornwall after moving from the West Midlands , my life should feel good , but it doesn't .

I got married when I was 29 so had , had some fun before hand , 19 years ago went through I.V.F gave birth to twins boy / girl at 24 weeks , watched my son die in my husbands arms as I was still giving birth to my daughter , they rushed her off 6 hours later we were told she wasn't going to make it , .

Went for I.V.F again at 28 weeks gave birth to twins boy/girl again they are now 18 , in 2010 I found out I had breast cancer had double mastectomy , since then I've had loads of reconstruction failed my body looks a mess , my Sex life is nil due to having cancer , my relationship is like brother and sister , we live with my in laws which I hate , I'm so fed up with my life , I haven't got my own home I have no job , I'm in pain a lot , I'm already on depression tablets been on them for years , I wouldn't loll myself nothing like that but I hate my life got nothing to look forward to , I don't feel me and my husband are the same people and do wonder if we should separate but then what would happen haven't been on my own for over 20 years and would I miss him so confused and fed up about every thing

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  • And I was a size 10 now I'm a size 16-18 can't exercise due to pain put so much weight on how can I pull myself out of this depression

  • Dear Kayc49

    Reading your post prompts me to write & say I am thinking deeply for you. You have experienced a lot of emotional & physical pain through the various forms of grief you have experienced.

    You do not say if you have had a PMR diagnosis. This site deals to multifaceted issues surrounding this auto immune condition.

    I recall when experiencing turbulent waters of grief spanning many years, my 1st marriage was battered in the process & eventually disintegrated. I had 2 young sons.

    What I can say to you is that well intentioned folk suggested to me not to make any major changes in my life as I needed to "just be" whilst awaiting the waters to settle. This took me a long time to move through these seasons called "life" & with the help of a variety of folk including a trusted Counsellor.

    Please find a moment to be kind to yourself in amongst the anguish, even if it is just a short walk in the fresh air or a warm bath loaded with Epsom salts & some rose petals.

    I pray that these few words might strike a cord & resonate within you to know that others care.

    My kindest regards & abundant blessings in the meantime.

  • Hi Kayc49

    I think Megams has said it all in the best way possible. It takes someone who has been there to understand depression and how it affects people. We have all heard the "Pull yourself together" or "You'll get over it" phrases said by well-meaning people who don't actually have a clue. Please know that there are people out there that do care and know at least a little of what you're going through. As Megams said, try to be kind to yourself. Try to set aside a little "me" time to pamper yourself a bit. You probably won't believe this but you are worth it. You have been through the mill and yet you have managed to raise twins during the past 18 years, all while dealing with cancer and battling with depression. That is something to be proud of. You did that and that was a great feat.

    You haven't said whether or not you have PMR or GCA, but whether you have either or both, know that the people on this site are friendly and helpful and we are here for you, even if all you want to do at the time is vent. Take care and I pray your depression will pass and allow you to see the beauty that life can offer

  • Hi kc49. Reading your posts has probably reminded many of us who have walked through the trails and tribulations of life. Our reward, pmr/gca, which is nasty! You keep battling through, because what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. You seem very depressed but remember, you are worth it, so pick yourself up smile everyday and remember, when things are at their worst they can only get better. The only person that can help you now is you. Keep smiling and God bless. Not sure if you have pmr, you didn't say?

  • I think you need to invest a bit in yourself and investigate whether there is any counselling out there which might help you come to grips with your situation.

    The lack of sex in a marriage isn't uncommon, especially when you have been married a long time, whatever age you are, and even more so when illness is added into the mix. My husband had cancer 21 years ago, had chemo, surgery and radiotherapy and we have also lived without sex for almost all that time since for various reasons. We have just had our 42 wedding anniversary. It isn't "perfect romance" I suppose but there is something far deeper than that. We did, after all, say in sickness and in health and the PMR really was the cherry on the top because I was in a lot of pain. We both are affected here.

    I can understand the hating living with your in-laws - it is you live with them I assume, not they live with you? We created a granny flat in our house for my MIL - so we retained control of the situation which was essential when my husband became ill. She had become used to just walking in to our half of the house - which I couldn't cope with. I could never have done the other way round without exploding.

    Why should life in Cornwall be "better" than in the West Midlands? You have moved away from what you knew, I assume from friends as well. Into a situation that obviously you are struggling with and with a body that you are struggling with. You have suffered multiple bereavements - it isn't just people that applies to.

    Drugs don't cure depression - they mask the symptoms the same way pred masks PMR symptoms. But talking therapies can change things a lot and I really feel it would be the place to start. Talking therapies will help you work out properly, for yourself, whether separation really is what you want and need - maybe it is the right thing to do, it was for my daughter, but maybe you just need to both understand what is going on and how to make the best, the most of what you have. It is a difficult time when kids get to 18, then you are faced with empty nest syndrome - except you appear not to have a "nest" of any sort and are this new phenomenon, the "sandwich generation". If you can't access anything else then marriage guidance may help you sort out those feelings a bit - you can go on your own, it doesn't have to be both of you.

    If you have PMR and are still in so much pain you can't exercise at all - and it only has to be walking, walking in the swimming pool if necessary - you need some reassessment there. I was a size 20-ish 4 years ago due to pred and achilles tendonitis that put me on crutches. I have lost 18kg and am down to something more like a 14. All done by adjusting the pred and cutting carbs drastically. As I lost weight I could walk a bit further each week and that helped too. It was very slow, needed a lot of discipline, it took a couple of years and now I'm stuck but the change is permanent.

    That is one way you can take back some of the control you have lost - and that is probably the underlying cause of your feelings now. It is hard when you feel so down - but you need help to be able to do that. Once you are on the upward path it gets easier. It really does - but at present you can't see or understand that.

  • Kay, I'm not surprised after all you have been through that you are questioning the meaning of life. Sometimes one needs outside help to get back on the road to happiness after being worn down by the tragedies of life. Do ask your GP to refer you for some counselling. But meanwhile, do try and sit back and count your blessings - I feel you are stronger than you think: for instance, having gone through the tragedy of losing two babies you strove to try again and have been blessed with with two healthy children. You are also blessed to have survived breast cancer and surgery. Many are not so lucky on both those counts. You don't mention suffering from PMR and/or GCA, and I sincerely hope that these two conditions don't befall you on top of everything else, but this site is for people in long term pain from these conditions, so you might want to seek advice on a more relevant Community on HealthUnlocked. Importantly, do seek help via counselling/your GP. In the meantime, if you have a good and understanding friend, do get together for a cuppa and a chat, or better still a relaxing walk in the fresh air to release those feel-good endorphins - they are there and with a little help you will rediscover the beauty of life.

  • Kayc49,

    You have gone though so much & whether Or not you have PMR/ GCA the people on this site are warm,& caring.

    Few of us will have gone though as much pain and hardship & do hope you can sort everything out.

    One or two points :- I agree with others it is much better to find someone professional or otherwise who can talk things through & through to help with the natural reactive depression.

    It is far more important that one can chat away to ones spouse than sex. Many of us have had to give it up through surgery etc so hold on to your marriage if you can. If not you need to think & talk things through with a counsellor before doing anything you might regret. It could be the in laws that are wrecking your marriage

    Living with in laws unless they are exceptional can be challenging to anyone especially as it sounds as though you are trapped living in their house, maybe feeling beholden to them.

    You have moved down from the Midlands to Cornwall. So however beautiful the place you may well be missing your old childhood friends & haunts. Community you lived in, even the shape of the streets & shops (although now probably different).

    If you could afford it is there any chance you could go back home & spend just a few days on your own with an old friend up in the Midlands where you used to live - just to see what it feels like to be away & back in your hometown again among familiar streets & people. It might be a rented flat or rooms for either yourself or both of you might be better than an obviously grander place with inlaws. Children have a habit of moving from place to place nowadays & one can keep contact on Skype etc.

    If it doesn't feel better then you will know you are OK where you are so nothing to lose other than the fare & a bit of essential cash.

    You may or may not be religious, that doesn't matter but very often churches or other religious communities provide a community and refuge for many people & have lots of simple activities to go to or would visit you when unwell. It doesn't matter a jot if you "believe" or not. It is being part of a community that counts & loads of people go to church as a social function with only a very hazy idea of belief. It is always good even to pass people in the street & say Hi to them. It add structure to the week.

    Those are only a few ideas to think about as obviously you are the only person who can ultimately tell what to do. But do ask yourself ( if you are not too depressed at the moment) what you would actually like you to do for the rest of your life accepting your health limitations . Then get help to aim for it. The people in our lives are more important than money & how we live.

    I do hope all goes well for you.

  • Is it possible that, in addition to all your other woes, you could be menopausal or peri-menopausal? Even if you didn't have the typical hot flushes, depression is another facet of 'the change'. It would be worth having a check-up with your GP and perhaps trying an anti-depressant.

  • Well it's not the usual type of message we are familiar with but if it's a bit of

    TLC you need you will get it here in bucket loads. But not sure if you need this group or an agony aunt my advice is you have two children and an husband you don't have to live with his parents.

  • I'm sorry you feel this way. I have had PMRFOR 2 yrs and in the beginning I felt very down. I'm sure there is light at the end of your tunnel. Please hang in there

  • Old Jewish saying! NOTHING lasts!!! Everything passes!! You will get over it just hang in there! I am not Jewish but this saying has helped me often.

  • Hi Kayc, I just throw out to you a thought - a lot of what we suffer (and also a lot of what we enjoy) is from our perspective. When I was in my forties I went through a profound depression. I did not take any medication although my doctor was going to write a prescription. I felt I needed something else. Anyway, to make a long story short, I did a number of things, including long walks in as natural a setting as I could find in my city, and did some reading. But the single thing that turned things around for me was when I thought I would draw a picture of how I felt. I drew a seated woman and started drawing a black space behind her, because I had been visualizing this awful blackness, nothingness, behind me. And the picture showed me that the blackness was in fact a tree, a tree that supported and protected me. That wasn't the end of my journey, but it was the beginning of healing. May you, too, reach that moment. ❤

  • Big hug from your on line friends.

    Living with in laws must be a strain on any relationship. I was diagnosed PMR in July 2015, and with my husband and best friend of 47 years, we began to bicker. My adult children are surprised as we never argued. It is the strain of pain and the fact that all life has changed. I had 2 bouts of depression in the 90s, even though from the outside my life was blessed..........own home, loving husband , 2 successful graduate children, money to travel etc. I was / am a graduate chemist and had talking therapy and made sense of my situation by realising the chemical, serotonin, had drained from my brain .............the plug needed to be closed and the serotonin allowed to build up again to be well. This was achieved with prescribed drugs, walks by the sea and being good to oneself. Now, I am well. PMR has taken its toll, life has had to change. We had to stop our beloved ballroom dance class.

    I have found solace in meeting someone with the same condition to talk to, face to face occasionally, but daily on e- mail, and joining a choir.

    I have put on loads of weight, always a problem for me as hypothyroidic. But after a pre diabetes warning from doc have cut out carbs.

    Re relationship. That has improved following a crisis. Husband had heart attack, recently, getting better, but I have imagined the worst.....life without him........will be much more tolerant to someone so precious.

    Take some time for yourself ......what would make your life worthwhile?

    Valerie

  • Hello KayC49

    I almost didn’t ‘reply’ as I’m certainly no agony aunt, and have never been one to stick my nose into the affairs of others. But I also live in Cornwall (another incomer) and there is much to be enjoyed here. The people are lovely,the weather is milder than most elsewhere, and the scenery spectacular. Also I do have some slightly relevant experience of tragedies - I have 2 daughters – one in Wales, the other in the North West. My first daughter died at the age of 21.5 months of undiagnosed peritonitis (3 Doctors in one week) in those days Doctors were Gods – you didn’t challenge them. My 1st Husband was killed in a road accident 6 months before our Daughter (Jan) died. I eventually re-married but divorced 17 years later. As that was my decision I then lived alone for 12 years before re-marrying. Meanwhile I got back onto the housing ladder via shared ownership (as it was then).

    My Husband and I are both from up Country, Lancashire and Northamptonshire, and chose to retire to Cornwall. Then just three years into retirement I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That’s now 12 years ago and I am (fingers crossed) OK. Apart from GCA that is.

    I do think that you need to start to look forward. Take your time, don’t act in haste. If you do nothing then nothing will change. You don’t say how long you have been living your ‘nightmare’ !? However it is a fact that the past is impossible to change, so it’s what you do now, and in the future, that counts. Compared to many on this site you are comparatively young, and can still achieve so much. You have your Son and Daughter but don’t say if you (or they) actually had any say in whether you moved to Cornwall ?! That is important to your current state of mind. Also that you hate living with your In-laws. Do you hate your In-Laws, or just living with them ?

    It’s difficult to give up your independence, at the best of times, and have to be reliant on others – even if you all get along really well. It must seem as if you’re in a trap you can’t escape from but, I’m sure you know that you must. It’s difficult settling in a new place and leaving everything you know behind – it’s estimated that it takes about 2 years to recover from a traumatic life-style change, but it certainly helps if all parties were in agreement with the move !? For instance - two 18 year olds uprooted ?! I’m assuming that, with your In-Laws living here, you know Cornwall fairly well already, from previous visits. No disrespect intended, as your family may be all pretty wonderful, BUT living with 2 teenagers, a husband I felt distant from, and the In-Laws 24/7 would send me screaming for the hills even without the pain factor.

    You need to get out; meet other people; mix and form friendships. You say you haven’t got a job but you could try to address that. Getting out and building a social network is essential, as you are currently turned in on yourself and your troubles. There is a variety of seasonal work in Cornwall. Also there are many positions for Volunteer workers – many start by Volunteering, which can lead to a permanent position. Even a small part time job will get you out - It’s about being with other people, making a difference, and taking your mind off your own troubles for a few hours at a time. There are two types of depression – emotional and physical (the latter being due to a chemical imbalance) I am assuming, due to your long history with it, that you have the former – as the latter would have been corrected by now. That needs analysing before any action is taken.

    You also say you’re in pain but haven’t said what the source is. Our Royal Cornwall Hospital (Locally known as Treliske) is wonderful and I have received excellent, caring, treatment, there. Start by getting a diagnosis and the pain under control – your head will be much clearer once you’re pain-free.

    I started this ‘reply’ two days ago and have hesitated to send it. Partly because I wanted to see if you responded to the replies of others. I’ll also ask the question – do you have PMR or GCA, or haven’t you got a diagnosis yet. I see that you haven’t, as yet, replied.

    I have GCA diagnosed May 4th 2015.

    Dorothy

  • Kay, how are you? I am hoping life feels a little brighter for you now? I think we could all look back on our lives and think if only..... You had fun before settling down, I envy you that, I married very young. But it felt right at the time.

    You lost your babies which is heartbreaking but this may help you appreciate and value your two teenagers more then most Mother do, even though I know they can drive you mad at that age but can also be lots of fun!

    I think friendship is the basis of a happy marriage why not try pecking him on the mouth or holding his hand, you dont see many siblings doing that and who knows where it may lead. There are many ways of giving and receiving affection.

    The Inlaws! I know lots of extended families live happily together and save a lot of money doing so and children get to know their grandparents very well. I guess it more of a benefit to the grandparents then it is to you. Do you have your own space within the house, I hope so as I think everyone needs that for their well being. Is the house big enough for you to create such a space?

    Cornwall! When I watch Doc Martin and see the breath taking scenery I love it. I know you may be inland but I hope you and your husband can take time to explore the county and all that it has to offer.

    I wish you well Kay try to build on what you have and let us know how you are. xxx

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