When I first caught a glimpse of you, I thought, ‘Yes, not long now.’
When I gently encouraged and directed,
When your head started to emerge,
When I gently pressed down and saw how quickly the colour came back, I knew you were well,
When I positioned my hands in anticipation,
When I saw you rock back and for,
When I said, ‘Just gently pant and slow your breathing’,
When I told your mummy that she was in control, ‘Just slow, nice and gentle, ‘You ARE in control’.
When I said, ‘Yes it will burn but the slower the better’.
When you were crowning, I gently reminded your mum, ‘Just pant, gently blow, things need to stretch.’
When I coaxed ‘Stay calm, really calm, you are in CONTROL.’
When I saw your head being born, telling your parents their little one needs to make another manoeuvre.
When I encouraged your mum, ‘Babe is ready, so give a big push, all the way down.’
When I welcomed you into the world and wiped you with a towel.
When I reminded your parents that it can take a whole minute for the changes to occur so you take your first breath.
When we heard you crying for the first time,
When I scooped you up placing you next to Mum’s skin and introduced you to your parents.
When I wished you ALL a happy, healthy life together, I wanted the best for you.
When I checked you all over, stroking your head, checking your face and mouth,
When I giggled as you clutched my hands showing how strong you were,
When I felt your chest, your abdomen and rolled you over checking your spine,
When I stroked your gorgeous, velvet feet,
When I gave you back to your parents, saying, ‘You were perfect.’
When I went to the doctor saying, ‘I feel very unwell, I have hand tremors, my memory is so poor, my feet hurt, I feel faint’.
When I was too ill to do my job I crawled into bed.
When I spent years in bed, crippled in pain.
When I finally had the right blood test taken, after years of the unknown.
When I spoke to a doctor who actually looked at my notes.
When I heard I needed treatment.
When I started reading on the subject, angry that I had not been taught,
When I frantically thought had I missed anyone ?
When I searched for names, remembering faces and details.
When I silently screamed, ‘Who else have I let down ?’
When I remember those who possibly had misdiagnoses, I hung my head in shame, tears burning my cheeks, ‘If only I had known,’
When I know I would have listened, learnt and supported,
When I remembered how often I had confidently told parents, ‘I am sorry, I do not know, the human body is complex, we are all so very different but I will try and find out’.
When I could not sit, stand or walk and control my bladder.
When I was not listened to.
When you demanded to know, Why I was not better !
When I laughed at you for your idiotic ideas.
When I said, ‘They would not believe me,’ and growled, ‘Look at the state of me’.
When I heard your sheepish apology but you could not hold my gaze.
When I met you and I thought, ‘Thank goodness’.
When I sat in the ER waiting room, holding onto the sides of the chair trying to control my tremors,
When I repeatedly told myself for hours, ‘Do not throw up, do not pass out,
When I saw you have a seizure, I shouted in a deep, loud voice, ‘Nurse, seizure,’ sliding to the floor.
When I noted your airway, moved your bag out of the way, so you would not hurt yourself and put your phone into your bag,
When finally I could lie down, a wave of relief,
When I was admitted to a ward and I recorded the details in my diary.
When I had an MRI.
When I was discharged home.
When again, I was disbelieved and disrespected.
When I was ignored, disregarded and judged.
When I heard, I am amazed you are still alive, THAT is when I felt acknowledged.
When I asked, ‘Could I return, possibly in a couple of years ?’
When I was told, ‘Your body would not cope, you would let your colleagues down.’
When I thought, ‘Never say Never !!!’
When I heard of yet another ‘avoidable death’, my heart hurt, tears flowed and again, I was choked with emotion,
When you looked utterly confused and I played with you, subtly challenging you.
When I sat there, straight faced but inside I was laughing at you.
When I continued to test you and test you and test you and test you.
When I reported them, knowing that this was just the start.
When I remained calm at the calls I received, giving snippets of vital information.
When I could not keep up the façade and an email was sent.
When I heard the words, ‘I’ll do anything to help’.
When I read the empty words of, ‘We love and miss you,’ I thought, ‘You do not know the meaning’,
When I received a letter from an obstetrician who had just returned from Nigeria, my heart soared.
When they would wake me up to give me my medication, I sarcastically mumbled how certain banned ‘wonder drugs’ were,
When I was given neuroleptics, I would ridicule how great particular imprisoned doctors were and how amazing dictators were and named them,
When I was repeatedly asked whether I had been smoking a psychoactive drug.
When I humbly observe the Wave of Light (SANDS) and remember those parents and their angels I had cared for.
When I gave you literature hoping you would remember your anatomy and physiology.
When I remember, ‘We do not make assumptions, we do not fill in gaps, we properly physically assess, using our hands, our eye sight, we actively listen and we EMPOWER.’
When I read that £500 was awarded for the distress of inaccurate information.
When I read you falsified records, HOW DARE YOU !!
When I made mistakes, I apologised and it made me want to learn more, to do better,
When I put a sticker on my room door of Sooty, the subtly of calling them puppets was lost,
When I hear the echoes of my father’s voice, frequently saying, ‘People lie, even under oath’.
When I silently promised to, ‘Do No Harm’.
When I politely declined, ‘I am sorry I cannot, that is not what I am about, I am grassroots’.
When I saw that my name was removed, it gave me more freedom.
When I searched and saw what people wrote about themselves.
When I listen and discuss true contentment and ego.
When I had your hand in my face to stop me speaking,
When I had to explain what sleight of hand is to an employee,
When I whisper and cry, ‘I have no idea how you feel, I am so sorry, I cannot bring them back.’
When I listen to another medical lecture.
When I remain quiet, just watching, patiently waiting and waiting.
When I know there is always a time for everything.
When I have everything in place,
Then I WILL and,
From then on I WILL,
We are not animals, for they get better treatment than us,
This is not a developing country, so, ‘Why do you deny us ?’
I cannot work for Medicins Sans Frontier but
Know this and my words are true, their deaths will not have been in vain.
I think of them every day and every day, I know that
I WILL !!
And I WILL continue to…………
💜
A long history of me either having B12 difficeny or CFS/ ME
Was thinking of Dr. Chandy yesterday, God bless him for having such courage
Increasing my the frequency of my maintenance injections. 
Banging my head against the wall
