Can’t Calm Down

[mcginnmx]

Trigger Warning: CoVid19, venting, survivors guilt

Okay we all know about Covid correct? Unfortunately I live in Florida where the cases are skyrocketing, yet our governor has not closed anything down. He open back the theme parks, he wants to open the schools in August.( An beyond all means that makes me upset in itself cause I used to be a teacher till I moved). They are having a mask mandate in my county. Now here I am with an autoimmune system, 2 anemia’s,a very high anxiety disorder that I take sedatives for on a daily basis. An suffer from PTSD ( abuse and survival guilt). Let’s talk about my survival guilt for a moment 2010 I lost my best friend to a flu I had and I thought I given it to him.2018 I lost 6 of my family members ( cousin, uncle, dad, second cousin, uncle, and someone else). This year because of some of my family ignorance I lost my step uncle ( really didn’t care for him much or that might be what I am telling myself to extinguish the grief) and my regular uncle who now has tested positive at N.C. An what is not making it easier people want to make fun off me. They are just playing around but right now I am in a vulnerable position. I wish I could say not rudely could you not mess with me I am going through some things. Then my step father is traveling again. An I am just beyond frustrated I am so frustrated right now I could just punch someone for looking at me the wrong way. I am holding in all these feeling in that I obsess over them ( to the point I did talk to the wall thinking it was someone), my weight is increasing cause I am a stress eater ( I am working on that now noticing my stress eating, getting more exercise, watching my portions) and sleeping in early cause my work is so understaffed ( I work cause I need money for my meds and family though I risk myself and my family everyday cause I work at a thrift store), so I am doing the work of 4 people and waking up in the middle of the night. Any advice for these frustrations? An thanks for listening to me venting.