The Vicious Circle ...... / My Own Worst Enemy ......

[JC69]

Hi All ,

Firstly thank's for what you all put - the funny to the sad - they all help so thanks for that.

Now for something less positive. When I first joined I was going through a particular bad patch , thankfully that's lessened but the daily monotomy of knowing there's never a break is getting to me at mo - you'd think after 20+ trs I'd be used to it. But then again I don't think you ever do - you just manage it better. I'm on a shed load of painkillers from CD's to Nerve Pain to Anti-depressents but there's never a let up - the only thing that gives me a milisecond of reflief is a deep tissue massage - thing is you can't have a young woman kneading your body 24/7 .

I know when I'm suffering from depression as I am currently , I feel every ache and spasm more acutely - but it becomes a vicious circle doesn't it ? Pain = depression = more pain = more depression etc etc. I try to hide it from friends but then they don't understand why I can't do something so I end up trying to something I shouldn't and then the pain ,sense of failure and uselessness increases so the depression ....... are you getting the picture yet I don't think ( or at least I REALLY hope so) I'm the only one who does / feels like this and it'll pass eventually (i hate it when someone says that ).

It's the powerlessness that I cannot change my conditions or the associated CP that really hurts - so as I cannot change them I have to "..... Accept the things I cannot change , Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference" - yep I've used 'other substances' to 'cope' with pain and that is not an option now so a site like this means so much to me cos I can "let it all out" knowing I'm talking to those who understand and therefore find the energyand desire to go another day or 10mins sometimes - see I've managed to end on a positive !

Ta for listening x Jane

[tettridge]

Hi JC69 (or can I call you JC)

I know exactly what you are talking about, I am pleased to see you are still meeting with your friends and at least doing things as that is one of the first things that goes, the pleasurable things as it hurts to much to do them and eventually all you have is pain with none of the fun things.

I have not heard of the deep tissue massage and just cant imagine how a kleenex can make you feel better, never mind.

You have come to the right place here as we all are in pain of varying degrees (we all cope with it differently as well).

Do not beat yourself up about not being able to do something as you have tried and if your friends had the pain you have then they probably would not even be out let alone trying to do these things.

Be proud that you have tried and congratulate yourself for what you did do and do not beat yourself up for not finishing or whatever as the courage to try something when you know you probably will not succeed because the pain will be to great, then that is being a HERO.

(and possibly mad, but hay-ho [as the saying goes])

Kindest regards

Terry

[JC69]

Hi Terry ,

Cheers for what you said and you're definately right about the mad part - but if there's one thing I have learnt during my life there are worse things to be !!! (sometimes) !

By the way the kleenexs are VERY strong - none of this 3-ply crap .

I try not to beat myself up but unfortumately I'm very good at it so it takes time to lose - but when I feel more positive I don't Mike Tyson myself so much .

I'm sure this mood will pass soon and I will go back to dealing with the pain better , but it feels good to have a whinge everynow and then

Take it easy and hope you're as ok as poss.

Cheers

JC

[superannie]

Hang in there, when you are right at the bottom there is only one way,that is up, as "they" say. I know when you are down there it is the last thing you want to hear! Take yesterday, I have been putting off putting a colour rinse in my hair for ages now, such a simple thing, I do it every six weeks. It ended up with me in tears, my ever patient husband lifting me up off my knees, and the plastic shower in the bin! Our friends are lucky never to have to witness these pathetic daily doings. For me it is the sheer frustration at how, each day the simple things are becoming such mountains. We did have a giggle later though and to console myself, I made us a " hot toddy" before toodling off for another pain filled, uncomfortable night. Once again I picture how much worse things could be, that get's frustrating too as I get annoyed at always trying to look on the bright side of life! I have started a daily diary where I rant and rave bitch and moan and the next morning delete it! Try it, it,s good therapy and no one takes the brunt of your outburst, have a good day, cheers. PS hair looks good

[fybrofighter]

Hi, depression is the worse part of any debilitating condition, especially pain. Do you have a Pain management course near you? I found just one baby step at a time gives me a positive

[teadrinker]

Hi Jane

You are so not the only one going through this. Even though I have posted on here that I accept my pain, I still go through the regular panic that it really is here with me for life. Only a few days ago i was contemplating another trip to the GP for pills, though quite what I hoped to achieve I don't know because the pills no longer work for me, and thus began the miserable feelings all over again. Luckily I not depressed and managed to find other things to do to distract myself. I have suffered from depression in the past so I understand how tough it is.

Superannie's pain diary is a good idea - I have a drawer stuffed full of old diaries, pages & pages of ranting about the injustice of pain. Haven't needed to write in it for months though so that's a good thing.

Sometimes all I longed for when it was really bad was for someone else to say, "yes, this is awful, I know exactly what you mean." Thinking and being positive is great, but sometimes life is **** and there's nothing wrong with wanting some sympathy & support. You let it all out as much as you want, we're right behind you.

Teadrinker.

[Hidden]

Good advice from everyone.

I don't think that this is it, that this is me for life. I think of this as me as I am now. No matter that now has been 10 years, now is always now isn't it?

The future is unknown and although I've been warned that when old age starts giving me related problems I will deteriorate fairly dramatically. But medicine is advancing all the time who knows there might just be a cure around the corner.

So I see my self as this is me now. Sometimes I hanker back to the old me with energy, drive and succeeding at everything I did. But I succeed nowadays, just that the goal posts have changed and it might take longer, but it still happens.

I think depression is something everyone with long term health problems have to work through. Again, that was me at the time, now I rarely get depressed. I get frustrated and then angry with myself for getting frustrated these days.

The pain has made me re-assess my life and sort out what I really want to achieve, then I find a way to do it. It's helped me decide whats important for me and my family, and has given me permission to say no whenever it suits my body.

I sometimes push my body to its limits just to see what happens, I think its always handy to know what happens under different situations. I have found focusing on solutions better for me than focusing on the disasters and set backs that occur.

I found that my hips got stiff quite early on in a walk which made my torso wobble side to side, which aggravated my lower spine pain. I got some hiking sticks and use them quite tall so that my shoulders are relatively braced which stops the side to side torso movement which has reduced the stiffness in my hips which means I don't get the lower spine pain and I can walk faster and further. Which means I can at last build up my stamina by increasing the distance and speed as my body tolerates.

And planning, I have to plan my activities so that they are balanced during the day and through the week. How I hate planning, I used to be such an impulsive person. But I get more done now because I actually think about it and timetable them with enough breaks that I don't get tired. Less is more as they say.

[nedd]

Let it all hang out chuck. Good job we don't know what's in store for us. We'd faint dead away. But we don't we just gets on wiv it. However badly we think we are doing. No body but you knows the enormous effort required. So pat yourself on the back. Circles can grow to encompass other things more than pain. Well so I keep telling myself.

Ned

x

[merlinmac]

Hi

I have suffered with depression and 2 years ago diagnosed with fibro and cmp. Having bad spell at moment with mood and pain. Does anybody do what I do and push themselves to limit and then sort of collapse. I hate the tiredness as much as the pain probably more. Medications seem to be so bad to take react so badly to antidepressants. Feeling really down not been out only to docs just no interest is anybody feeling this way can anyone suggest what to do everything so difficult.

[Zen1957 in reply to merlinmac]

Hi Merlinmac,

I am new to this site, in fact any site at all.

I asked a question about acupressure tapes, if you want to have read, it is on this site.

ME! I push my self to the limit and then collapse. At the moment I am just coming through a dark period of not managing my pain and have spent 4 weeks in bed flat on my back. I am just coming to the end of this period and starting to get up and about a bit more.

The thing is how do I know how much I can do if I don't push the boundaries? For me I try and use these black times by turning them into learning experiences, I too suffer from chronic depression and have done so for the last 20+ years, sometimes I manage it, in the same way that I learn to manage my pain and other times the depression and the pain manage me!

On a closing note I would like to say that there are now more times when I manage my pain and depression but like most things in life it takes time to learn a new skill and there are plenty of up's and down's but hang in there Merlinmac there is some support and encouragement out there and on this site.

It has taken a while for me to find your post because you have used an old post to reply to so maybe you could start a new post on depression and then more of us will see it and offer you some more support.

Take care and try to enjoy the lovely warm weather.

Sue