Chronic pain and spousal duty: How do you keep... - Pain Concern

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Chronic pain and spousal duty

HerOneandOnly
HerOneandOnly
44 Replies

How do you keep your partner intimately interested when she often is in constant pain? How do I show she’s beautiful and thought evoking

44 Replies
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ratoncita

Compassion and patience. If you truly love her, it will come easily to you. Ask her what she needs. When is a good time for her, communicate. You could maybe ask her if she would like you to give her a massage? I find that relaxing and intimate. Good luck!!

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HerOneandOnly

Right! I’m a guy. I’m not THAT great at expressing myself neither is she. We love each other very much. We are just struggling. I knew all of you would understand. We love each other very much. We are just struggling to remember why God puts so many struggles in our path. Thank you.

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Bananas5

I hope you don't really mean 'duty'

To be blunt....there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Patience. Holding hands.

x

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HerOneandOnly

She is struggling right now with very intimate feelings regarding “being a woman” that’s not for me me to share. I’d gladly give up any physical elements so she’d never have any physical pain again again but that’s like trying to piss up a rope. It can be done but never piss in the wind right? (Not very eloquent I’m sorry just true)

I would never want or expect her to be anything other than herself.

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Bananas5

I have same with my husband and has been like it for too many years.....over 30 to be precise.

Like you I can't go into intimate details but he takes muscle relaxants to help his pain. You can work out what that does to him.

I can't take his pain away but there are many alternatives for us both.

If you need more details....send me a pm!

x

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HerOneandOnly

Thank you kindly and truly. Moreover thank you for your patience for your husband. He’s fortunate.

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Bananas5

Not fortunate...we have worked through so much together. and hopefully use that experience and knowledge to help others.

I have sent you a PM...up to you if you want to talk with me.

x

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HerOneandOnly

Yes Ma’am. I have very long work hours as I’m an out of town problem solver and she’s struggling at home alone right now so yes I’d like to speak to you both in depth and detail about anything you are willing to I’m just quite literally always working. She understands that more than anyone I’ve ever known and I feel very neglectful or blind to her feelings but I’m working on it it’s a process.

Thank you for your kindness help and patience.

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Delzek

Show her you Love her!you dont need intimacy to show you love someone! Duty is what you do when you are a Soldier Not when you are in a Relationship! Sometimes just saying I love you or giving them a hug is enough what is more important when they are in constant pain? Its certainly not intimacy. It's showing you understand that you still love her , that No matter what you Are there for her for whatever she needs that She is the most important person in your life and She is the best thing that ever happened to you! Hold her let her know what you feel about but Never use the words " Spousal Duty " that would be like a bloke getting a kick up the nuts

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HerOneandOnly

Thanks, Delzek! She allows me to work out of home (I’m actually on a project over 2,000 miles away) and I fear that time is coming to an end. She’s not able to care for herself so she’s scared and she’s fighting me. She keeps throwing obstacles in the way but

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Delzek

A very difficult situation tbh you have to show her that " in sickness and in health " is something that means a lot to you she is probably thinking that if she makes you leave it will be better for you! As she won't want to see you held back because of her illness! I have been in the same situation as my Lady tried to finish with me because of her age she thought I was only with her out of pity !She was and is wrong I love her. Good luck

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HerOneandOnly

Delzek, I’m her One and Only and she’s everything I could’ve dreamed for. She is everything MY EVERYTHING, and even though I’m a strong proud man I’ll admit that my lack of care in my words wounded her in such harmful way that I’m devastated and can’t find the words to erase the pain. My actions have always been out of protection and they will never deviate. I will carry her physically on my back until the end of time if that means forever I’ll gladly do it. I cannot protect her from me. It’s not my job. She said

“you work on being wonderful you owe that to the world, because I already know.”

I’m going to work on being just a housewife and if I’m ever good enough just come home.

I know that the road of life isn’t paved in good intentions but if I could pay our bills with her smile I’d be the richest man alive. I already am just having her in my life.

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Delzek

I think she knows that! Most important just now is that look after yourself otherwise you won't be able to look after her! Do silly little things like give her a Rose with her breakfast or leave little love notes where she will find them, Always tell her how much you love her. And hopefully it will all work out! Good luck my friend I am rooting for you .

Derek

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Occupation

Hi that's big challenge in chronic pain and main thing is speak about your intimate feelings and ask her. Do other romantic things to make up for difficult times more common in chronic pain sufferers.

Listen to partner and enjoy intimate times use more pillows to help make comfortable.

People with chronic pain are still intimate but more supportive cushions or better position needed to maintain intimacy. Still can enjoy it

At the best every time of the day.

Have a warm bath to relax the body and have candles to stimulate the moods for romance

Thanks

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HerOneandOnly

Thanks, Occupation. I try so hard and everything you’ve suggested I’ve written down and will try again. She’s fighting me because she’s scared and so I’m trying to get her to “stop the bullshit” and let me love her but she’s fighting me and wasting her own time.

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Occupation

Ahhh hey it's not easy my partner would say the same as I kept pushing her away but I felt guilty as intimate feelings and time are equally important to her. As me but am crippled by pain. Don't worry she will tell you how to help her. It's so hard but your time is important with her and she will come around. In good time. Patience is important with chronic pain.

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HerOneandOnly

Sir? Doesn’t feel proper so can I just say “man! Brother hey ya hump (just teasing) I’m not disabled in the slightest but she treats me like I’m made of glass.

I want her to know that she’s safe. She’s always safe. She knows that. I am her safety net (protector) and she has always protected me because that’s what she has always done for a living (medical) she slays all the dragons whether she can see them or not because she wants me to know that I am always loved and always safe. She does it figuratively and I do it literally for her (her business not mine to share)

We are both very proud and private professional people that have self isolated due to things out of our control. She loves me. I love her. We never question that. We do question what our goals are currently due to the 2,000 miles that separate us. She wants me to flourish in my career because she cannot work outside the home anymore and she’s struggling being “just a housewife”.

She feels negatively about herself because she’s a dual PhD candidate that is “just a housewife”

And I see her as nothing less than a hero.

She feels the same that I know for sure but I’m not very good with showing feelings for my own reason

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KidneyCoach

First of all, TALK to her. Tell her just what you've told us. Exercise extreme patience with her. I don't believe in spousal "duty". Love is NOT duty. Intimacy, performance is not a duty nor an expectation. If you are expecting her to do her duty to you well, seek marriage counseling. Chronic pain can be debilitating. She may need to know your devotion to her will be everlasting regardless of her inability for intimacy, income etc. Just love her. Love is a verb. Show her through your action. Do the cleaning, laundry, cooking etc, serve her with patience and love and NO expectation of anything in return. Best wishes.

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HerOneandOnly

I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, KidneyCoach. I feel that I OWE her my protection, care, love dedication as she’s given me all of that and so much more because she’s always given me that and much more. In her times of need all I want to do is come home to her and hold her in my arms and never physically let her go but she’s unable to work outside of the home and so knows that we have to eat somehow so she isolates herself and I’m scared being away from her for long periods of time. It’s not easy discussing feelings for me (she does it all the time) but I just want to protect,honor and care for her but she makes it so bloody impossible sometimes I’d like to tell her to shut her trap but I don’t of course.

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KidneyCoach

Didn't offend me. Seems like you need to be saying this to her not to us. If you feel she needs to"shut her trap", sounds like you have lots of resentment. My suggestion is you both need individual and marriage counseling. We can't do that for you here. Good luck.

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HerOneandOnly

Thanks. I’m just trying to be a dedicated man and husband to a woman that has made me feel like I’m Hercules. I may not have all the answers but that’s why I’m here humbly asking and receiving the answers.

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Emma2017

Hi there I have suffered chronic pain for 3 years and it’s horrible. Just to know you are there for her in whatever way you can show her is great. Tell her you love her in words and show her you love her by whatever way is possible. Send her a bunch of flowers, buy her a lovely piece of jewellery or whatever she likes. Just be spontaneous in cooking her a meal, have a movie night in with yummy snacks etc etc. If she is on medication it can make you snappy even if you don’t want to and just a hug when you have calmed down is great. It’s difficult for you as well so don’t be too hard on yourself. I can be a right cow at times so know what you must go through.

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HerOneandOnly

Thank you Emma. I’m going to breathe and listen to your words before I respond. She’s teaching me that. To not just react but listen to what is being said and not being said

Thank you

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HerOneandOnly

Emma is it patronizing if I say to her “please don’t be angry. I’m here for you right here. I’m listening. I’m holding you. You matter. (Verbally) until I can be there physically for her?

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johnsmith

Study erotic massage books. Take courses in massage to relieve tight muscles. Take courses in muscle relaxation techniques.

Have lessons from an Alexander teacher.

Talk just tells you what you already know. You need to develop new skills. These cannot be developed by reading books.

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HerOneandOnly

Yes, Sir. I’ll do just that.

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Toplady

I’ve written an article on this exact topic? It’s so difficult to carry in an intimate relationship when one of you has chronic pain, I had no help from the Dr’s so I wrote about my thoughts on the subject? You might find it interesting?

topladytalks.com/2019/10/27...

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HerOneandOnly

Ma’am. I have contacted you via the web form on your link. Her contact information is listed there. I believe she can benefit greatly from speaking with you further. If you are willing to speak with her via dm or email please do. Otherwise if it’s not disrespectful may I ask you questions about your life so I may help her further in dm?

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HerOneandOnly

Ma’am. Thank you. She has emailed you directly

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Bananas5

Followed your link but no article. What have I done wrong?

x

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Toplady
Toplady
in reply to Bananas5

I’m not sure? It seems to work when I click on it? I’ll try another link?

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Toplady
Toplady
in reply to Bananas5
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Bananas5
Bananas5
in reply to Toplady

Got it now and thank you,

x

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Jenles

I have been in the situation your wife is in for a long, long time. For different reasons we are no longer able to have a full sexual relationship but there are other ways of being intimate and expressing love. Women like to be ‘heard’ and to receive small unexpected notes, gifts etc. They show that your are thinking of them. Do you write letters when you’re travelling (as opposed to texts and emails) You could write a version of what you have written here... Ask her what she wants.

Send her flowers sometimes and small, perhaps quirky, gifts. Try to make her smile, feel useful, feel desirable etc. It’s hard to feel attractive when pain is your constant companion.

Desire doesn’t disappear because you are in constant pain. Nor does love, but that may not always be obvious as pain can make a person grumps - or worse.

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Delzek

As a Disabled yet Enabled male way past my sell by date! I understand where HerOneandOnly is coming from! Constant pain creates constant pressure

A lot of Stress and self doubt you begin to doubt your partner and your partner begins to doubt you! I really dont think this is happening here. I think that there is so much love that both are trying to wrap each other in cotton wool, by the sounds of things the obvious Love is going to win through. Most people who know me know I believe that showing your feelings can be the best help anyone can have. I used to be of the school of thought that "Men don't cry " I have realised after many years that we can and we do .sometimes others expect too much from us yet other times we expect to much from ourselves. We should all try to balance so we can be who we are no one is Superman or Superwoman.

Just be yourself that's all we should be.

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hippolove1

Its all about being by her side in her darkest moments..even if u say nothing.You being there will show her that u truly love every part of her in the good times and not so good times. We r not broken..just bent!

Shes very lucky to have u by her side :)

Wishing u both..the very best!

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Konagirl60

It sounds to me like you really do love her and you do want honest communication.

Was your partner really athletic and independent before chronic pain came along? I found that accepting that my pain would be permanent AND asking for help were the hardest issues to overcome. She may feel bad that she needs help because she’s used to doing what she could before.

I wanted SO BADLY to get back to my

beloved career and job of 31 years plus to be able to socialize, work out, and have a new love relationship. Sadly, all of this is in the past.

Perhaps some couples counselling may help her to open up? I agree about a bath with candles, massage and maybe oral sex if possible. Good luck figuring it out.

BTW, what is her pain caused by?

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URocks
URocks
in reply to Konagirl60

I felt disrespectful butting into His thread but after what I witnessed tonight on another thread that was unfairly directed at Him because of me I’m going to butt in

Hey I’m J HerOneandOnly’s wife.

HOO is here as my partner and he is very much my protector in every sense he’s my hero every moment of every day. He’s trying to branch out to support me in my illnesses.

I’m so proud to announce that he is helping me to straight up cure my lifelong dehabilitating anxiety ADHD and more acronyms then I can shake a stick at

It started from a DV incident in 2001

Since there every night he has protected me in my dreams and kept me safe selflessly

He’s nothing short of my miracle, blessing and every magnificent adjective you can put on it.

What I can say is I’m very proud to be his wife. I’m proud of his patience, kindness, diligence and always believing in me even when i never believed in myself.

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Konagirl60

I’m so happy for you! He took an oath and he honours it.

This thread is about pelvic pain however.

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URocks
URocks
in reply to Konagirl60

I believed the entire point of pain concern itself was for anyone in pain, supporting someone in pain or those that work in the medical profession? Am I incorrect?

I am in chronic pain, HerOneandOnly is my partner and sole support system and I am a lifelong now retired healthcare worker.

I assumed that I could discuss any aspect of pain and it would be welcomed here am I wrong

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Bananas5
Bananas5
in reply to URocks

Welcome aboard URocks.

I have looked at your profile and see you have posted on other sites within HU. Good...hope they have helped too.

You can post anything you like on this forum as if not relevant one of us will steer you to where it is more suitable.

In your case you have pain so you are on the right forum! However....adding to your husband's post can be confusing. It might be helpful for you to write your own post and hopefully members will respond.

Tell us whatever you like....! There is a wealth of experience among members but we can't make a diagnosis.

x

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URocks
URocks
in reply to Bananas5

Sure. Thanks for the guidance very well appreciated

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Bananas5
Bananas5
in reply to Konagirl60

This thread is not about pelvic pain. Think you must have muddled it with something else

x

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Delzek
Delzek
in reply to Konagirl60

This thread? This section of Health Unlocked is for "Pain Concern" I think you misread somewhere? Her one and only started this topic and it's in the right section!

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