I felt I failed as a mum because of my pain.

Well,yesterday I had my 2 little ones for the day as usual but it ended up being such a rough day.I and R wanted to go out and I couldn't,that makes you feel such a failer as a parent.

So they started fighting and bickering.I tried to distract and entertain them but with my pain being so bad my patience was wearing then..R is a beautiful but strong willed 4 year old girl and.I had reached my limit of tolorence for her behaviour towards I (older brother of 6 years old).

So I did the classic 'go and sit by yourself in the corner'....and all hell broke loose from my sweet child....so.withiut thinking I started moving her there and she pulled on me so hard that I fell.....

'Crap crap craaaaap' was all that was in my mind,then from the severity of the pain and my fragile mood I just burst into tears.....

R calmed down soon after,I wiped my tears and before you know they were best friends again and we were all cuddling on the sofa....but I still felt mortified.

Today their Dad D has them and I have put all.of my strength into getting out of my house,well equipt with all of medication,and I am currently sat in a coffee shop feeling proud of myself that I made it here....

Sorry I know I whittle on.lol....its just if any of you every have bad days then I feel for you too.

But we all know we have to be strong.

[Madlegs1]

You are NOT a failure.

You may have had a little wobble - but you have also given your children a valuable lesson- that adults are not perfect and can break down and have bad moments.

That is good for them to experience- especially if you can all reconcile and even talk about your feelings during the episode. Be honest.

There is a very good site called AHA Parenting by Dr Laura Markham which you can Google. I find it very helpful in dealing with many parenting issues.

And you can write in your questions.

It is a hard road you're on and will have many bumps , potholes and speedtraps. How you cope with all those is up to your determination not to let your own situation get in the way or pull you down.

It's grand to have a moan- everyone here can empathise- then you get back up , dust yourself off and look forward to the next challenge.

Good luck.

[Hidden in reply to Madlegs1]

Hi madlegs1

Thank you so much for your kind words, and i will definitely look into the site you have suggest,

Best of luck to you also.

[littlefloyd in reply to Madlegs1]

No person can empathize 100% with one's pain. All sorts of problems emanate from this that just can't be completely cleared up. I believe pain patients at some point have to quit trying to explain & satisfy others they can't do "this" due to pain, but CAN do "that".

For example, my wife bowls (though painful), therefore a daughter doesn't understand why she can't pick up her 2.5 year old grandchild and knows she can't deal with the child over a 48 hour span of time. The Doctor agrees she should try & keep bowling if tolerable. To my daughter, the fact she bowls but can't keep her kid doesn't equate. She'll pay with more pain for a week if she try's to keep the kid, where as bowling might last 2 hours, not 2 days. The daughter is hurt, mad, & resentful. IF she had the SAME pain, she'd understand. So a pain patient has enough on their plate just dealing with the ever present pain. One HAS to protect themselves & be strong enough to draw the line. Blended families complicate such matters. Everything can't be perfect for everybody. A parent really has a tricky situation due to the overbearing pain, politics taking their meds away, guilt etc. Other than a super beleief in one's self, there isn't a satisfactory solution for everybody. **Just my observation. People don't understand my limitations...and never will. It hurts mentally but that's where ones own mental strength has to "win".

[Hidden]

Hey none of this bad mum business please. It's very hard to cope with little ones as it is without being in pain as well. I think you have done very well and at least you all ended up as friends again. Maybe it will make them think before doing it again? Probably not but you can hope.

Chin up and forgive yourself. Get yourself a glass (or 2) of wine and celebrate your lovely self and your equally lovely family

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Its so nice for you to give me some positive advice,Thank you I really appreciate it.x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You are more than welcome xx

[MrsA39]

It's hard being in our position and having kids. I have activity packs stashed all over the house filled with things like colouring in books and pencils, kinetic sandnsand, playdough, crafty stuff etc so if I'm having a particularly bad day and my husband is at work they can choose a pack and either do it themselves or together. We also have Netflix etc and a load of books so if all else fails my eldest can go grab the duvet and we can have a duvet day. You aren't a bad mum, showing them that adults have bad days is a good thing. Keep your chin up x

[Hidden in reply to MrsA39]

Thanks for the reply,im going to stock up on activities for the little ones x

[lowlife]

By crying in front of your children teaches them that you have feelings too so that's a good thing. Just explain to them how your feeling that day and how they can help to look after you. It may be worth getting a large box and fill it with things they can do on there own such as puzzles,dvds colouring, games etc but only let them use it when your having a bad day. These don't have to cost a lot as they can be purchased cheap from a boot sale or charity shop or even ebay. I found this worked for me with my grandaughter. On the days your feeling a bit better take a picnic and football out with you or stop at a local cafe for some chill out time. I make myself go out to stop me from getting depressed and while I'm people watching I'm keeping my mind off the aches and pains for a while. Try and think positive and stop running yourself down. Family members are supposed to look after each other so by asking your children for help now and then is teaching them to be kind and thoughtful. X

[Hidden in reply to lowlife]

Thank you the box idea is great,I know I shouldn't get to that low point,but as you said being honest with them and finding distractions for myself too.x

[Hidden]

I can have moments when I snap at my 2 kids aged 9 and 15 . The 15 yr old has aspergers and both home schooled.

I cover my pain alot so most days they have no idea how bad it is but there are those times Im constantly saying that we may go out we may do this and rarely doing things at all. But also when my pain level is high and I'm struggling to bend lift or reach in a cupboard and one of them comes behind me whittling on wanting something I do bite n get grumpy at them but they have learnt to not take it personally and I know to make it better by explaining and making a joke of things helps. Your 2 are young and as bad as it was and as bad as your body and pain effects you physically and mentally, sometimes that moment they see it as real as that was, that mummy fell, it turned into a positive and they will forget again and bicker and you'll cry again I'm sure but you also got that little something inside of you to go out today as well. To me that says so much about you and that no matter what you feel at times, your no way a failure.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That was lovely, thank you so much.

I am starting to feel more positive about my situation from all of the wonderful inspirational things people like yourself are sharing with me.

All the best to you.

[Amkoffee]

I never know how you mothers with young children and chronic pain manage. I have to have help when I have my grandkids around. Well at least my youngest one he's a holy Terror. And of course the older ones behave around grandma. But even still I won't babysit them anymore because I just can't handle it. But I think that you should have gone to your bedroom with the door shut and let Daddy handle everything rather than go to a coffee shop. Or maybe daddy could have taken the kids to the park for a while. You needed the rest and relaxation and the chance to let your body recuperate. And this can never happen in a coffee shop. Perhaps your mind can but not your body. And I know this sounds impossible with little kids in the house but there is a lock on the bedroom door and you need to use it.

[Hidden in reply to Amkoffee]

My situation is a little from the norm...im separated from their dad and the day after was my free day.....so for me to leave my house is a big deal as I get anxiety because of my pain....I will though ask for help from others in the future when I have a bad day...I've also brought little activities to keep them busy if I need to lay down for a while.

[Hope264]

I have a 13yo. I have spent the last 10+ years living with various levels of pain & surgeries. Looking back I would have let her help more sometimes with chores & let her see me cry more. I never wanted her to miss out.

Yes Accept the help. There will be good days & bad days. Sleep when you can. I try to be present for those momments when pain is trying to steal the momment. Good on you for getting out of house sometimes. It will help your children too. 🌸🌸 good luck

[25clai]

I had a lot of health problems when my children were little. Including a spell with badly fractured ribs when my youngest was an extremely boisterous 3 yr old boy. I have 2 boys. They fought a lot when younger, and I felt guilty , but with hindsight, it didn't hurt them. They never blamed me for not being as hands on a parent, as I could have been without the health meltdowns. I was the one feeling bad . In fact now I realise, they both grew up a bit. My eldest learnt how to empty the dishwasher , make snacks for his brother, tidy up after himself. The youngest learnt to dress himself on his own, and learnt to work things out without constantly referring to the easy option - Mum! Ironically due to my health , I didn't work as much as I had intended, but just being around them as they grew up, even with all the chaos, was something I am grateful for., and something I would never had done if I was healthier. I am also pleased that as teenagers, they are caring and supportive, which will serve them well through life, and they have an understanding of how to deal with life's ups and downs.

I hope this gives you some comfort, and my advice is try not to beat yourself up about it. youve got enough on your plate.

[Hidden in reply to 25clai]

Hello

This is very comforting to hear thank you,my daughter who is 3 is so helpful for me,sometimes I well up with pride also, my boy is starting to understand a bit better too..bless them.

Its nice to hear from someone who has got to the other side so to say.

Good luck

X