Relationships!!

Relationships!!

Hi guys

I'm new to this site..never posted before but recently been admitted for the first time and although I'm out, I'm really struggling still. I'm currently under the MHT home treatment team...they appear to be the best I've experienced since I began suffering from depression stress and anxiety in my teens (now 42!).

My problem is my partner. We've been together 4 years. Don't live together..no plans to in the foreseeable on my part anyways 😜. I'd do anything for him but he regularly lets me down and hasn't always done anything for me. He's quite selfish at times but he can't see it. He doesn't have any problems letting me down in my hour of need despite knowing and admitting I've never hurt him and I've never let him down or said no to him. He has been my rock at times but I honestly don't feel like he'll ever give more than 80% despite me constantly giving 110%.

Am I just a mug? Am I always going to be taken advantage of?

Thanks so much

Xxx

19 Replies

oldest β€’ newest
  • Sorry to hear you were recently admitted but glad you are home. I'm sorry you feel let down. I post on here about my relationship recently and got some good advice.

    Many relationships feel like one partner is giving more than the other. What you might find useful is to discuss with him what type if support you feel you need and what support he feels able to give. Communication is key. He may feel like he's giving 100% but he may see that when he let's you down he had good reason or may not actually realise he has let you down?

    Just a few ideas?

  • Thank you so much. Please see my reply to you all. It's so much easier to reply in one go. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance. Does anyone know how I can tag people or anything else please? Tia. Love Jo xxx

  • Jo

    Agree with previous reply, relationships are often complex without adding health issues to the mix.

    Are you being over generous with your 80% rating, feeling regularly let down probably warrants a lower mark. You are only 42 and have many years in front of you, with your health issues you might need to be a touch more demanding of your partner.

    Illness and relationships are such a complex mix. Do we expect too much, do we settle for too little, is the devil you know and so on. As already suggested, convey your concerns to your partner, their response will almost certainly help you in your decision making.

    Wishing you a good 2017.

    Jim

  • Thank you so much. Please see my reply to you all. It's so much easier to reply in one go. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance. Does anyone know how I can tag people or anything else please? Tia. Love Jo xxx

  • Two words - get rid. Hugsnkisses on their way πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

  • Thank you so much. Please see my reply to you all. It's so much easier to reply in one go. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance. Does anyone know how I can tag people or anything else please? Tia. Love Jo xxx

  • Hi...

    Sorry to hear of what's happening. I think you need to take a deep breathe and lay down the law or tell him no more. You don't deserve to be treated like this, No one does. I notice you been together for 4 yrs. Would be easier to tell him now that he needs to drop the attitude or move on.

    Don't leave it til 6, 7 or 10 yrs together. If you can't talk, Write him a letter of your inner feeling and that you need him to concentrate on your illness and you. I did this with my wife, It worked so well....

    I hope that it could do for you.

    My I ask what you suffer with?

    I have bipolar, depression and anxiety..

    Happy New Year

  • Thank you so much. Please see my reply to you all. It's so much easier to reply in one go. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance. Does anyone know how I can tag people or anything else please? Tia. Love Jo xxx

  • I've come to realise that relationships really do start with ourselves. If you look into it deeply you'll find the other person is only a mirror of our own self worth. For instance can you see yourself with a criminal, drug addict or abuser?? Probably not, why because most people will instinctively stay away. This is an extreme example to make the point.

    So when we take a step back, as you seem to be doing, and realise maybe the relationship is unequal, it's a good start. You respect yourself enough not to like it. Another person in your situation may be oblivious and not realise they were a door mat.

    As you change in yourself so will the relationship, perhaps improve, perhaps end or you'll simply accept both people have different abilities and give different things in the relationship. The key is to make a conscious choice, rather than be a victim of circumstance. Taking that decision is what will truly empower you. Good luck x

  • Thank you so much. Please see my reply to you all. It's so much easier to reply in one go. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance. Does anyone know how I can tag people or anything else please? Tia. Love Jo xxx

  • Talk to him. Have you ever thought that he might be struggling too? Having a loved one with health problems can be extremely hard to cope with because they feel so helpless. Men are far less likely to admit to having depression because they don't want to burden an already sick loved one.

    In my experience selfish men rarely admit their faults so the fact your man is admitting to letting you down doesn't strike me as someone only interested in themselves.

    Are you expecting too much? Are you asking more than he is capable of giving?

    Communication is the key. Instead of telling him he's constantly letting you down, ask him why he's doing it. Does he feel taken for granted?

    If you don't get satisfactory answers & he doesn't have a good reason for being like that, then you need to tell him straight, change or the relationship is over.

    I made excuses for my husband for years until I realised HE was making my illness worse because of all the stress he put me under. We're now getting divorced & I'm moving on with my life, free from all the stress. I never thought I could cope with my illness on my own but I realised I was on my own in the marriage but I had to carry him too. Now I am free & enjoying life a lot more.

    Good luck.

  • Thank you so much. Please see my reply to you all. It's so much easier to reply in one go. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance. Does anyone know how I can tag people or anything else please? Tia. Love Jo xxx

  • I've had fibro and other health issues for 15yr now and it's been a struggle good times and bad. I was married when diagnosed but I found altho my hubby was great with looking aftwr kids and doing housework he rarely showed any concern for ME .....he used to lock himself away upstairs watching a small dvd screen than choose to sit downstair and snuggle with me and watch a movie. I tried so hard to talk to him.and in end I gave up trying we grew apart and we seperated 9yr after we got married........but last 5 or 6 were just no marriage in it really and he admitted in end he had fallen out of love with me 5 or 6 yrs before so not sure if was fibro caused that or that which cause him to act way he did

    I've had a few relationships in past 7yrs (not happy to say that but it's true) and some them said they were ok with my health u til they had to deal with it .....I'm now just recently back with a guy who fought his hardest for me lat year and who DOES understand and HAS dealt with me taking flake outs .....the problem now is I've been hurt so many times I'm scared to even tell my family and children that I'm seeing him as had so many failed relationship in past that I'm scared his one will fail too. He does fight for me and does care but we've had loads of arguments too......and ive just had to follow my gut each time and I've kept going back.....but it's not nice to spend the time and energy you have fighting being ignored or not being given full support so I say go with your gut instinct it's usually right in the end and save yourself thw years I wasted on my marriage hoping things would change.

  • Thank you so much. Please see my reply to you all. It's so much easier to reply in one go. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance. Does anyone know how I can tag people or anything else please? Tia. Love Jo xxx

  • Hi guys,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to me and taking the time to care and be so kind and helpful.

    ednu16 luckyjim Toolie metalbones16 fibrofoggy artymum liveituporgiveitup ...hope I've managed to tag you correctly!!

    Please bear with me, I'm very up and down and very new to even asking the world πŸ™ˆ. I'm way behind with everything in life due to sleep and health problems so I always feel like I'm fire fighting.

    Thank you so much for all of your replies. I've "liked" them all despite not liking hearing any of you suffering in any way...hope that makes sense!

    I've read all the interesting stuff you've all said and I'm trying to take it on board. You've all offered great advice and I understand that I need to take some kind of action, probably talk first, then see were I'm left after the hard discussions we desperately need to have.

    I'm devastated but deep down my gut is telling me it's over. I've got to give it a shot tho.

    You've asked some tough questions...I need to absorb and think about them all. Problem I've got right now is I don't trust myself to "talk" without breaking down n he gets really stressed when I can't talk for sobbing and he often (in the odd arguments which are now increasing in length depth anger frustration and passion) gets angry for me being so emotional especially cos he doesn't really show emotion easily.

    I definitely need to take a long hard look in the mirror cos I know that until I love that reflection how can I possibly love anyone else 110%?? I do honestly love him but I know he either doesn't love me at all and is a major manipulator, user, and deceptive b****** or he loves me the best he can!?!?

    I've had quite a few failed relationships for various reasons...please don't feel bad about that liveituporgiveitup, we're obviously similar and have suffered very similarly. There's no shame having feelings! I understand xx.

    Thanks for giving a male but very helpful reply Jim. I have many disabilities and illnesses...I'll list a few for now cos honestly I'm very embarrassed about the long list cos it's so long and complicated πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ. Here goes:

    Fibro, depression, stress, anxiety, cfs, central sleep apnoea, diabetes, asthma, possibly ms, chronic widespread pain, rebuilt lower right leg after horse riding accident in March 2010 which was broken in 9 places n crushed everywhere else, followed by bone graft from left hip, still on crutches to this day, major mobility problems, I broke my pelvis in the accident too........etc etc....not letting you know for woe me cos I think some sympathy can be patronising, purely factual.

    The most I ask from people is to maybe try to understand a little but as I'm sure you've all experienced, there's a lot of folk who become instant doctors nurses advisors and fabulous judges πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. In general folk just wanna say hi how are you and keep walking and smiling, they don't have the time or energy in their own lives to take on other peoples problems. I'm not complaining cos I understand we're normally all just trying our best on this treadmill thing called life!!

    Sure hope I've managed to let you all know a bit more and am showing how much I appreciate your kindness and selflessness.

    Wishing you all a happy healthy low pain high energy and prosperous (we don't need to necessarily be cash rich, I count myself lucky I've got a wonderful supportive loving family and a couple of friends by my side...a little extra cash wouldn't go amiss at times tho 😜😜) New Year!

    Lots of healing thoughts and gentle hugs heading your way.

    Love Jo xxx

  • I wrote this in reply to someone a couple of months ago when I first joined:

    2 months agoJoC17

    I understand exactly what you're saying and I empathise . I feel like this. I'm currently going thru some sort of breakdown . I just can't cope with anything atm. My 13 year old daughter has been with my parents for over a week now and I can't shake the guilt. I feel guilty to be here. Guilty for being born . Guilty for being such a huge burden to my nearest and dearest . I wish I could offer you help but I'm struggling atm. Keep telling yourself it will pass. I keep telling myself too but I can't rid myself of feeling suicidal and an overwhelming feeling of notwanting to be alive. I'm sending you my best wishes and hope and pray we both come out the other side xxxx

    Hope this lets you know a bit more about me. I'd love to hear your life story too if you'd like to tell me anything please? I'm not very good at starting up conversations but I'm trying....even my Mum says that πŸ™Š I can be very trying at times at age 42 πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ xxx

  • I do feel for you I have been with my now husband for 5 years married only four . Unfortunately since we have married it's been one thing after another. I was diagnosed with cancer 6 months after our wedding day. Now crps he is always theirfor me and does nearly everything for me and never complains. I don't know how I would manage without him .

  • And one thing take time for you sifer every if you take few minutes to cry and let litter out but if time you find how strong you are and you can do things for yourself you are not alone

  • You will be took advantage of if you let it carry on .. It is time to makes changes it sounds .. Go for it and you will be happier for it

You may also like...