I haven't posted for a while but have been checking in with you all everyday and responding to a few posts. I've been quiet because I've been trying to get my head around the long process of surgery and recovery ahead as it looks like I'll be going for the Spinal Cord Stimulator surgery. I've been through all the assessments at St Thomas' and I see the surgeon on 5th November for final consultation and to get my list of questions answered before he puts me on the waiting list for the trial surgery.
I really, really, really don't want it - the thought of having the unit just under my skin poking out and just the idea of it makes me shudder. I have had so much major surgery and countless procedures for over 40 years - this feels like one too many ( actually two, because if the trial is a success then the permanent implant of the unit is a separate and bigger surgery) But.......if I don't try it I fear I will always regret it when I struggle so much, so frequently, with the ferocity of the pain and the limitations to my life.
So, it's take a deep breath time and do it.
In order to do it I decided that I've got to make sure that I don't slide into the horrible depression I slid into last winter after the two last ditch pain management procedures didnt work.
So, I actually had a holiday a couple of weeks ago, the first for 6 years! Went to a beautiful, tranquil little place in Southern Greece. I managed the journey with the excellent special,assistance at both airports and we just had a very quiet time at my pace - it was wonderful.
Tomorrow, I'm going to spend a few days with a very special friend -something else I wouldn't have done for myself previously. I can't wait. This time I'm travelling by train and have accessed the special assistance provided for the first time.
I'm really starting to recognise that I'm accepting where I am in my life and giving far more focus on improving my mood is the only way to manage the pain. It will never be my friend, it's too cruel, but all the energy I used fighting it as a ferocious enemy would be far better used trying to improve my quality of life with what I've got.
So it's been a long post! But just wanted you guys to know where I'm at and I'll be a bit more present here now. As I'm sure you've noticed, there's been a lot of thinking going on!
Hoping everyone having a manageable time.