falling apart..

[suzannehadenough]

i feel like i cant get through this........

[wendydee]

Hi Suzanne, has anything new happened or are you feeling that things are getting on top of you again?

[suzannehadenough]

i got my results from the hysterectomy it was all clear.. so the primary source still hasnt been found..

i have to start chemo in about 3 weeks... i cant do this i cant get through it.. xxxx

[Hidden]

Hi Suzanne,

I'm sorry you are feeling so fearful. It must feel horrible not having an answer to where your cancer has started. However, chemotherapy doesn't discriminate; it affects everything, so it is likely that it will get to the source of the problem and get you into remission. It's not a pleasant prospect, but in actual fact, it is not as bad as you imagine.

Eat well and exercise a lttle, and do all you can to eliminate stress from your life, and you give yourself the very best chance of surviving this illness.

Wishing you the very best,

Isadora.

[suzannehadenough]

thanks isadora.. xx

im being weak and i hate myself for it..

xx

[bosue in reply to suzannehadenough]

you are not weak, and dont hate yourself. x

[Hidden]

No - you are being human; and you are lovely!

This will all pass...

I xx

[suzannehadenough]

sorry.. just having a very down day..

thankyou everyone. xxx

[kitjules in reply to suzannehadenough]

Its hard to believe sometimes that we will ever feel happy again, but there are good days along with the bad ones.. You dont have to apologise or hate yourself.. you are being very normal and feeling the way a good many of us feel.

Sending a big hug xxx

[suzannehadenough in reply to kitjules]

thankyou..

that means a lot.. just knowing that these feelings are normal..means i dont have to beat myself up to much,

xx

[MargaretJ in reply to suzannehadenough]

Hi Suzanne! This may sound stupid but when I am relly down it helps. I sit down with a piece of paper (sometimes my laptop or my ipad) and make a list of all the good things in life including " positive" aspects of cancer like losing weight (I have always had a weight problem) and my disabled parking badge which lets me drive into parts of York that are pedestrianised during the day.

Feeling down is not weak it is human but there are worse things to have, try listing them. I find that cheers me up no end!

[Hidden]

Suzannehadenough, you are stronger than you think you are, and you will get through this I promise you, we all have times like this but do as the song says and "Dust yourself off and try again".

Find something to do that makes you happy and dont hate yourself please.

You just hang on in there with us all ok.

Take Care. x

[suzannehadenough in reply to Hidden]

xxx thankyou kefi..

xxx

[charlie12]

Hi Suzanne

You poor little mite , my heart is going out to you and I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

Every single person reading this forum will have been through these feelings. Realise that this is entirely normal. You have had a massive shock , a huge operation and now you are facing chemo.Please don't hate yourself , you sound like a lovely person. If you weren't why would so many people reply to your posts ? You are bound to have bad days as well as good days. At least the operation is now behind you.So try to take it easy so you will be in the best possible shape for the chemo.

I do hope that you will get some emotional support from the centre that is looking after you. Try to keep busy is you can and start on gentle short walks is you can. Give yourself some treats as these can be really helpful. Also , utilise all of the resources available to you : this board, friends , family , specialist nurses etc. If friends ask what they can do for you and you can't think of anything immediately ask if you can take them up on it at a later date.

Take care

Love

Charlie xxx

[suzannehadenough in reply to charlie12]

thankyou charlie....

today has been a weepy day.. ive cried on and off all day... its so frustrating feeling like this.. its frustrating that this is happening.. it shouldnt happen to anyone.. life is hard enough without having cancer to deal with..its unfair on all of us.....

i will try my best to have a better day tomorrow...

like i said earlier it helps knowing that the way i feel isnt wrong and that other people know whats going on in my head.. so thankyou again..

xxx

[nikki9 in reply to suzannehadenough]

i know exactly how you feel i had six sessions of chemo but they couldnt do a hysterectomy i have stage 4 oc, it is now 7 weeks since i finished chemo but i have cried and cried and have been so scared. But gradually day by day things are getting better and you will too, This site is so helpful with some lovely people who will support you. Good luck keep your chin up love nikkixx

[suzannehadenough in reply to nikki9]

thanks nikki...

im so sorry for you too... we shouldnt be going through this..

why couldnt they do a hysterectomy?? if you dont mind me asking.. xxx

[nikki9 in reply to suzannehadenough]

hi suzanne i couldnt have a hysterectomy because i have secondary tumours in my liver and although they are dormant and the chemo did work the oncologist said a major operation could activate the cells so best to leave well alone just hope it dosent return. hope you are feeling a big better, take care and good luck xxx

[charlie12]

Dear Suzanne

Life's often unfair , as we all know , but believe me you will definitely get through this ! Last year I was being comforted by wonderful people on this and similar sites and one day soon too you will be doing the comforting.

Far from it being in any way at all wrong to to feel upset and to say you so, bottling everything up is probably very harmful.

Perhaps tomorrow you may feel like getting out and about, even if it's sitting in the sun for a short while? I have found that doing something new and or different, no matter how small made me feel a bit better. I am trying to talk my hubby into us having a surfing lesson tomorrow. I still have some bad days but they are fewer and less intense.

We are all here for you, but I also found that speaking to Ruth , one of the Ovacome nurses, was incredibly helpful. She is so knowledgeable and reassuring, so you may want to consider giving her a call on Tuesday.

Sending you a big hug

Charlie xxx

[suzannehadenough in reply to charlie12]

thankyou. very much

and good luck with the surfing.. lol..

xxx

[wendydee]

Hi Suzanne! I echo all the comments made on here, it is more harmful to bottle up your feelings and we all definitely understand what it's like to feel scared and to have a bad day. You sound as if you have got hidden reserves, it's strong to say "I need a bit of help at the moment", it's strong to reach out. You are strong, you will get through all this. We are all here for you.

Do ring Ruth on the Ovacome helpline --she is lovely and sooooo knowledgeable. Try and find a treat for each day, even if it's just a tiny treat. Hope you have a better day today,

love Wendy xx

[Hidden]

Hi,

We've all been where you are now, and everybody is allowed to express their emotions.

OC is one of the nastiest cancers around, and everyone who has had it, and their relatives, know that. I know for sure there was one terrible night during my first chemo when I could not sleep at all and nor could my poor husband, who had to get up to work the next day at 6.30am. I eventually dozed off at 5am.

During this time, you will find out who really are your friends, because they will help you thru'. I hope you have family who will help also. We all have someone somewhere, don't we? These accursed long bank holiday weekends can be tough, but if you need help and you are all alone, remember that the hospital where had you your surgery is staffed 24/7 - you can call someone on the oncology unit and ask him or her if they have a moment to talk to you, because you are panicing a bit. They will understand, even if they have to ask you to give them your number, they will call back as soon as they can.

I called The Samaritans once or twice, and they were amazing - I used to work for a similar service a long time ago, and I know how hard they try to help anyone who calls, whatever their needs. Essentially their mission is to prevent suicide, but they understand despair, and when I called they were simply brilliant at helping me through. This was what I did when I realised that my husband could not go to work and at the same time cope with a wife who would suddenly get up at whatever crazy time of the night it was and find herself weeping in from of the computer, etc..

I decided to choose a hobby that I could use to distract me whatever time of the night or day it was - that worked for me.

Remember everyone is different, we all have different ways of coping. Tomorrow morning, when the bank holiday is over, I hope you will find that all the despair you are feeling now will begin to dissolve, and you will find hope again.

I believe that hope and a fighting spirit are key to our survival in the battle against ovarian cancer.

At least that has worked for me so far, and I am disease free, and now I have an excellent oncologist who I am sure will enable me to win in the end - at least for the next five - ten years.

Take care,

Chrissie

[wendydee]

Hi! How are you feeling now? Hope today has been a better day

Love, Wendy xx

[suzannehadenough in reply to wendydee]

hi wendy

the last few days have been ok have kept myself busy which has helped loads.. even been into work..

im just waiting now to hear when they are going to start my chemo,, the waiting is the hardest isnt it????

thanks for the messages they help me a lot. xxx

[wendydee]

t's good to hear you are keeping busy. It's the only way, really! As you say, waiting is the hardest part. Is there anyone you can phone at the hospital (specialist nurse or registrar's secretary?) to get an idea of when your chemo will start? I'm sure it will be soon and you can get going on thinking about you recovery. Have a good weekend, enjoy a little treat if you can, even if it's only a film and a glass of wine

Love Wendy xx

[AngelaAbell]

Hi Suzannehadenough. I am catching up on blogs having been away and was sorry to hear that you have had such a miserable time. You are right - uncertainty and waiting is the worse bit. Once you know what and when things are going to happen you can start dealing with the feelings. And I agree with everyone who said to talk about how you feel - it does help. I have just had a brief period of feeling very down - waiting for end of cycle scan and results - but family and friends kept reminding me that I would come out of it and sure enough I found myself digging the garden a couple of days ago and feeling quite different. The best advice I have been given is not to beat yourself up when you feel low, depressed and demotivated. Take a deep breath, remember that you have good reasons for those feelings, then try a walk - however short. However, I also think that Wendy's suggestion of a glass of wine and a good film is pretty good.

love Angela xx

[suzannehadenough]

thankyou angela...

at the moment i feel like nothing is going right..on top of all im dealing with there are family problems cropping up..

my partner has two sons from a previous relationship, and they are causing nothing but problems for me..

they are causing family feuds on my partner side of the family.. but its with members that have been and are very good to me and my daughter.. my partner feels he has to stick up for his sons even though they are so in the wrong.. so this means that we will be alienated by these family members.. at this uncertain time i feel we need them more than ever... its all very upsetting and i cant sleep worrying about it as i know that its going to get so much worse yet.....

i feel like just running away and never coming back,,, why does everything turn bad???

i just wish this would all go away,... ive even had thoughts of how it would be easier if the cancer did kill me... i know how bad that sounds but im just sooo tired.

xx