Where did I go

Where did I go?

I do not know

I am not who I used to be

Someone who could enjoy life, be carefree

I was a nurse, who cared for the sick

A wife, a mother, a grandmother

I cared for the babies, they grow up so quick

But who am I now?

Woman in the mirror you are not me

I would never shave my head like that

Where is my hat?

I sit at home feeling ill

No purpose left, just time to kill

Is this my life until I die?

It makes me sad, it makes me cry

I have lost me

Where did I go?

I do not know

8 Replies

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  • Hello George

    Your poem is so sad and very moving. I suspect most of the ladies who use this site will relate to your words. I know I felt that way until I realised that I'm still who I always was and that the disease can't take away all the lovely things in my life both past and present nor for that matter the future, ultimately bleak tho that may be. Its been said on this site before how much better ladies enjoy their lives when they are able to relegate the OC to secondary in their lives and not the most important thing. It's a very traumatic situation to be in and it may be that some professional help and advice would help you to achieve a measure of success in enjoying the good things in your life once again, I do hope you're able to do this. Good wishes and good luck. Meryl XXXX

  • yes, I relate to that, as Meryl says most of us will. I feel like I am always waiting to feel better, actually I do feel better today but I am so tired. I usually manage to be positive but sometimes it just gets me down, love to you all, Diane

  • So poignant. I have felt exactly that way in periods over the last three years.

    The parp inhibitor treatment that I am now on and the success I have had with it so far has given me a refreshed enthusiasm. I am actually daring to think about the future and feel like the happy me has returned. Even if this treatment doesn't work forever hopefully if this eventually stops working (I hope it doesn't because it has so few side effects) scientists and doctors may have come up with something else. Advances in ovarian cancer treatment are moving forward all the time. At a recent meeting about parp inhibitors I was told that up to 50% of ovarian cancer could be BRCA-like (even if not truly BRCA positive) which might then respond well to parp inhibitor treatment.

    I hope you can find something that works for you.

    Best wishes

    Sharon

  • Dear George

    Your poem has touched many of us because we all have moments of despair. I think it's good to be able to write poetry, paint, or do some other creative work to express what we're feeling. I'm really sorry you're so lost at the moment. We haven't heard from you lately and I wondered how you're getting on. I really do hope your spirits will be lifted soon and you can look in the mirror and see that you are exactly the same person and just as much loved and respected as before. You still have your nursing training and caring qualities and I'm sure you're still a wife, Mum and Grandma.

    Perhaps it's the lovely weather. I spent the weekend on our boat and whilst I'm normally very positive and I feel lucky to have responded well to treatment the sunshine and all the activity in the marina made me a bit sad and reminded me that life isn't easy any more. Perhaps it's all the excitement of the Jubilee and the Olympic Games going on? I had to remind myself that there is still just as much suffering out there and the people I observed who appeared to be enjoying the sun and having so much fun all had their share of problems to contend with.

    It's good having this site to share things. I shall think of you today and all our friends on the site. Together we should lift our spirits and enjoy what the day has to bring.

    Much love xxx Annie

  • Thankyou ladies, I am feeling particularly down at the moment because the treatment I am on has quite bad side effects, whereas my first lot of chemo made me feel unwell for a week, then ok for two weeks, this one just makes me feel pretty bad all the time, then to top it all I have a viral infection with high temp, so couldn't have my chemo on Friday. I had to go to the hospital 3 times last week with lots of hanging around. I've got a DVT in my arm from my picc line, so having daily clexane injections that sting like crazy! Have been to see tha genetics people and having tests to see if I have the faulty BRCA genes but was told unlikely to get parp inhibitors because they are not licensed and the new trials are only on breast cancer patients.

    I'm sure that once I finish the treatment (another 4 to go) and if it works, that I will get back to my more positive self again and be able to enjoy life more.

    I have started some counselling sessions at my local hospice, so hopefully they may help too.

    Love to all George x

  • Dear George

    I am so terribly sorry that you are feeling as you do , poor little mite !

    But , hey , you have had chemo recently , a viral infection , three trips to hospital , a DVT and now those awful injections. Of course you are feeling terrible. As a nurse, would you have been surprised if a patient you had been looking after felt bad in these circumstances ?

    Everybody on this site has had times like this , and if you were well once you will be again. I do think that counselling sessions are a wonderful idea, and if things get worse then speak to your GP about considering perhaps prescribed treatment.

    I do hope that things improve soon for you.

    Love

    Charlie xxx

  • George, that is a very moving poem, and touched me deeply as I feel the same. I look at my old photos which remind me how I use to look and the things I use to do and wonder if I will ever be that person again! I am also in the medical field and somehow it makes me feel worse, because I think I should know better, should be able to cope better, should have seen the signs earlier..I know its not the right way to think, but its difficult not to at times. At the end of the day, we are all Human and there are days we struggle with these kinds of feelings.. and it doesn't matter if you are a Nurse, Doctor or the Queen of England!

    I wish you much luck... thoughts are with you x

    Julie x

  • For George

    Image in the mirror,

    No true reflection.

    Never can it catch your soul, your heart.

    The family you love,

    Your friends close and far,

    Can see you still.

    Sorry you are feeling so down at the moment.

    Love

    Anne x

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