It's 3 a.m. and I can't sleep.. my heading is going around in circles and this is about the only place I can write freely and be understood.
When I was diagnosed, despite being just 40 we just thinking about IVF after a long struggle to have a baby.. I thought the pain had begun to fade and then today I logged onto Facebook and a friend of mine who has been having IVF is pregnant..
People who have read my last post know I have been feeling down but fortunately my CA125 level is fine. I had a really nasty bladder infection which I realise I have had before but the symptoms had changed from pre hysterectomy so I didn't recognise it.
I haven't cried for ages but when I read my friends news, I sobbed as it hurt so much. I can't feel pleased for her as I just wonder what I have done for life to be so cruel to me when everyone around me seems to get what they want. I feel like I have come so far and now I am just back with those feelings of loss all over again.. I just don't know what I have ever done to deserve this. All of our friends now have babies and we are the odd ones out. I feel awful for not being happy for her although I will say and do all the right things.
I'm sorry, it's late and I'm tired.. I hope I can fine some balance in the morning.
Gilly x
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Gilly44
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You must have felt awful not sleeping last night, feeling tired and overwhelmed. I can imagine it's hard to deal with the sense of loss and sadness and this is a good site to visit as the nights are long when you have things on your mind and you can't sleep.
You're doing absolutely the right thing to share your feelings with us. You certainly haven't done anything to 'deserve' what you're going through.
I do know there are meetings for younger women on this site who may have trodden your path and may give you some help and support. I think you should phone the Ovacome nurse line today to talk to them for help as they have so much experience and will be a great help to you.
Nothing I can say to make you feel better, although I have trodden the path myself, from 1980, when we stopped taking any contraceptive precautions, to 2002, when I was diagnosed and had a hysterectomy ....all through the investigations and the thinking, the crying and the wondering, you know what it's like.
It is NOT you, it is NOT deserved, it is NOT fair..... it's just life. Sometimes we get what we want and sometimes we don't. I believe it's all random.
I know this won't help you just now but I just wanted to let you know that if you concentrate on what you have got and what you can do and what you do enjoy, you will slowly become more accepting. I find the "what ifs..." never gone away but I also found that the moments when I can appreciate my nieces, nephews and close friends' children are increased. I have a close relationship with 7 children and try to give them little treats and little bits of fun and sometimes a bit of life experience when I can. They enrich my life.
I love my husband, we're best friends of over 40 years, and still enjoy doing lots of things together. I appreciate my friends and family and try to plan trips, visits, lunches etc to fill my life. I try not to dwell on what I haven't got. I only send you this rambling thought to let you know that you will come through this, I'm sure. It does take time, but keep in touch, even when you're in a dark place and believe that you'll come into the sunshine again
as the other ladies have said nothing we can say will ease your pain, we can only be here to listen and offer kind words..
my circumstances are different as i had my hysterectomy at 37yrs old and had a 13 yr old daughter... but pre diagnosis had decided i wanted another child so we began trying.. it was heart breaking when i was told that it would never happen.. but unlike you i wasnt childless.... my heart truly goes out to you and i really really think you need some help with this you shouldnt be up in the middle of the night tormenting yourself.. you need to ring the nurses on here for support.. I can completly understand where your coming from when you say you cant be happy for your friend. And i dont know if this is possible, it depends how close you are to that friend but what i did when my friend became pregnant was get involved as much as i could i was there for here with all her scary feelings and pains and helped her through some curious times. and now the baby is nearly one i am so close to her too she is precious and i find it does ease the pain slightly by being able to spend time with her.. Like i said it may not work for you but it has made a difference to me..
i really hope you are ok and i hope you pain eases soon i will be thinking of you..
Hi Gilly, I'm afraid I cant help, but I found this site invaluable when you cant sleep, and you can rant and rave over different feelings, and then get some replies and you dont feel so alone with your worries, we are all here to help each other if not practical you get support. It will take a long time to get over those feelings and to come to terms with things, I dont know your whole background. Hope you start to feel a little brighter soon. thinking of you. Love Sue x
Thanks so much for your replies and for not judging me but understanding how tough it is. I have taken Wendy's advice today and gone out for a bit of retail therapy.. trying to concentrate on good things rather than bad.
This has all taken me completely by surprise.. as I said I thought I was getting better about such things but I guess it is because our situations 'were' so similar. Time is a great healer as they say..
And yes I know in my heart of hearts I know this isn't my fault.. I was just a statistic and on of the unlucky ones but that is what it feels like.
Thanks again everyone.. only you know what this feels like.. and it helps to know this is the one place I can be completely honest.
I do hope you are feeling a little better, but my heart goes out to you. All I can say is that anybody who has been through what you have been through and hasn't cried for ages is doing very very well indeed.You were so young when you were diagnosed and have had to deal with all this, poor little mite , I can only imagine how you must be feeling.
If it's any consolation at all, my hubby and I chose not to have children for several reasons. Our friends seemed to all have babies at the same time and yes we did feel the odd ones ou at timest. However time passes and now the babies are teenagers many of our friends now want to do what we are doing , socially and activity wise. So life comes around and time is a great healer.
It's normal for us to feel down at times, our poor little immune systems and bodies and minds have had a rough time.Try to keep as active as you can , this helps , but if these feelings persist or they stop you doing things you enjoy try to get to talk to somebody professionally.
Thanks Charlie... I realise now that once the tears came it was like a dam being broken and they were all sitting there waiting to come out.. It is a physical pain knowing I won't be a mum. Our friends unfortunately were all like us and left having kids until late.. a few have them all grown up but not many.
But my heart fills and my eyes brim with tears for a different reason when I come on here and feel the warmth from everyone.
Gilly, My heart goes out to you.. I cant give many words of comfort I'm afraid, as I am going through the same thing myself.
Its a cruel illness that not only robs us of good health, but robs us of the ability to have children. There are days I almost feel I must have got over the fact I cant have children as I feel almost human. then something out of the blue triggers something inside me and opens the flood gates..and like you all the pain of the loss comes flooding back. But I want to share with you is I have noticed the gap between the bad days is getting longer. So I try to keep myself busy as much as I can and try not to think about it..Sometimes I can hold babies and be so happy for the couple, other times it hurts to be anywhere near a baby.
I have learnt not to chastise myself for feeling the way I do.. its not my fault. However, its a loss we are going through, and we have to grieve.
I pray your days of coping grow longer each week...
I was 41 when I had my hysterectomy. I had stage 1c ovarian cancer. My cancer was only found because I was having a fibroid removed and like you I was hoping to have a baby. I remember feeling exactly the way you describe and my heart goes out to you. It is now 10 years later and I have two wonderful boys, age 9 and 5. The first little boy was 15 months old when we brought him home and his brother was 19 months old. All I can say is please don't give up hope and hold on to your dream. My boys are my boys and although I have never given birth I couldn't love them any more. If you ever wanted to talk about adoption in the future, the Ovacome office have my details.
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