I haven't wanted to post this question for ages as it feels disloyal but I know all you lovely ladies don't judge and will hopefully have some good advice.
My partner has ADHD and has struggled from the beginning with my diagnosis. I am usually his stability and we are together 24/7. We work together but since diagnosis have had to close the business. My main problem at the moment is his anxieties about going out on his own and his complete frustration and bordom with not going out because of my treatment. I feel like I have to push my limits to go out and about to keep his mental health ok.
I know that if you've never lived with someone with mental health problems you will probably think that he's being selfish but you can't expect him to get rid of his mental health problems just because I'm ill.
He's becoming quite unwell with all the stress and trying to cope. He doesnt feel like he can talk to anyone. Any advice please x
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Zelam
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Hi Zelam, I can really relate! My partner suffers from anxiety and is a recovering addict. His behaviour is often very difficult to take, he doesn’t mean to be uncaring but he is by default. The only way I have found is to seek lots of emotional support elsewhere and to deal with practicalities by paying for help.
I have suggested he access support via Macmillan but he won’t go…
You are right, it’s really hard, specially when you need support yourself..people assume you are cared for but it’s not always the case xx
Thank you for your reply. It helps just to know I'm not the only one. I know he cares, probably too much, which puts too much pressure on him. He also will not access Macmillan which I think would be so helpful. I've just started reaching out to people to help practically which has been hard due to embarrassment of the state of the house, but its not doing either of us any good living like this.
If you ever need a rant you know where to find me.
You are not the only one Zelam. I live with my middle daughter who just turned 28. She has BPD , OCD, Autism light spectrum and other. And now I think bipolar as well. She been diagnosed 10-12 years ago.
We just got back from holiday in Slovenia. It is suppose to be holiday for me after I finished second line of chemo Caelyx and was given 2 month chemical free break from my team. But instead i was nursing my daughter again on this holiday. She is quite unpredictable with her illness. She can be very good and stable for long period and then again bum ! And her been unwell had to happen on that long wanted break. I had to cry to her to support me there a little. But of course I understood I can not blame her. She was looking forward for this holiday as well very much. In he moments of despair I was messaging my other daughters from holiday for support ))) But all and all 4 out 7 days was nice and we managed to see things, to swim, ho hike, walk. But all of this ma made e feeling unwell and tired . About my illness I know she is coping in her ways as well but sometimes feels very rude and uncaring. Apart from you I don't really wont her to go Macmillan or Maggy's center because am worried it will make her more worried and worse. But am sure she knows she can find support if she wants to . She is very intelligent and artistic girl and now even have nice boyfriend and spend all weekends with him in his house ( he is on disability benefits as well but nice boy I like him ))
Soo YES its hard with partners with mental illness but when we have OC Or just C .......and I agree with wise Lyndy you should seek support elsewhere. Sendinf you hugs xxx
Psychotherapist here! In my clinical experience, whenever we experience a life stressors, our mental health symptoms can increase. Add on top of that already diagnosed mental health illness and symptoms can be quite overwhelming. I understand it can be scary to seek treatment. I wonder if he would be more willing to to join a support group targeted towards partners (or perhaps caregivers) to those diagnosed with cancer?
In response to Kris' suggestion above, I wanted to let you know that Ovacome facilitate monthly support group via Zoom for the friends and family of those diagnosed with ovarian cancer. This is a friendly and relaxed space to speak with others who may be in similar experiences, share experiences and receive support. If your partner would like to learn more about the group, or register for reminders about upcoming sessions, they can access further information through this link: ovacome.org.uk/event/family... . Our next meeting is taking place tomorrow, 27 September, between 5-7pm. Your partner would be really welcome to join us.
Ovacome support groups offer facilitated peer support and therefore aren't therapeutic spaces. I was wondering whether your partner has a healthcare professional he can speak to about the difficulties he is experiencing at the moment? They should be able to provide some personalised advice whilst considering his own unique mental health history.
The Ovacome support team are here for you and your partner if you would ever like to talk things through. You can send us a message through this forum, email us via support@ovacome.org.uk or call our support line on 0800 008 7054. We're here Monday - Friday, 10am - 5pm, to provide information resources, help with questions, or just have a friendly chat.
You're not being at all disloyal, and my guess is at least half of us have partners whose mental health has deteriorated in a very similar way. Mine certainly struggles with anxiety and with accepting the uncertainty around treatment/diagnoses, and accessing help .Im lucky in that my son ,does try to support him from a distance. Covid has made matters worse i know, and like you i find i am often undertaking stuff to support him.
Maybe your partner might be prepared to talk to his GP ,or as others suggest to get involved in some unrelated volunteering role.My partner is good on practical support, but feels low .It may be Mind or a mental health charity might come up with some suggestions for your partner. Do hope there's some acceptable help you can both access. X
Thank you for your reply. I will try Mind for a few ideas. Im glad you've got your son for support. Take care x
Hi I can totally relate. I’ve always been the one holding everything together and doing all the chores, when I’m ill everything can seem to fall apart. My husband’s mental health is much better than it used to be thankfully but things are still quite difficult.
He says things like I am supporting you aren’t I (because he wants reassurance). He does extensive research on everything about my condition which helps him but what would help me is if he did more practical stuff like cooking, washing up without making out it’s the biggest effort ever.
I can see how you can relate. I could have written that second paragraph 🤭 When I'm well we make a great team. We seem to work off each other. We just need to find a way of getting through this.
Im glad your partners mental health has improved. I've just read your story and you've been through so much. I wish you all the best and if you ever need a rant you know where to find me. Love Liz x
I know how difficult it is when you have a partner who relies on you for support and you both find yourselves in the position of the supporting partner needing support. And the other one refuses to access help that could be offered. It is very common, I think. Certainly, it was true in my marriage, and the marriage fell apart when I got OC. I used talking therapies during the marriage as coping support but different things work for different people. I would urge you to seek as much emotional support as you can as you may not be able to get him to seek it. My husband used to emotionally punish me when I was ill. Much as I loved him, and still dream of him 20 years after our parting, I am better off without him. Sometimes, loving someone is just not enough to make it a healthy relationship.
Thank you for your reply. I understand I will probably need the support myself. I've never been able to get him to do something he doesn't want to do. I appreciate your honesty about your break up and understand it doesn't always end up how we want it to. Much love Liz x
I have no extra advice to offer in addition to what other people have suggested, but I just wanted to say I understand what you're dealing with, and that you should not feel disloyal for talking about it, because its not disloyalty, its a problem you and he are having and you are trying to find a way throught it.. My ex husband died 9 months before my diagnosis - we did not live together but saw each other almost every weekend and I always invited him for family birthdays, Christmas, etc. We did not live together because he had bi polar disorder, or manic depression, as it used to be called. Whilst I would have found some close support helpful, he was never very good at that anyway even in normal times, so I was actually relieved he wasn't here to learn about my diagnosis, even in the midst of my grief for him and shock from my diagnosis.He would never have coped and probably would have been sectioned in the mental hospital within a couple of months, so I'd have had to worry about and support him even more than usual rather than the other way around. Any illness, but particularly an ongoing one like cancer, is stressful for all parties even without a known mental disorder - I've observed often that many male partners in particular really struggle in these situations. I hope somehow you are able to persuade him to seek support.
Thank you for your kind words. It is all very stressful at a time we need energy to fight this. I'll keep trying to persuade him to get help but just talking to all you lovely ladies has helped me x
My partner also has 'ADHD, but I was diagnosed pretty early in our relationship so he knew what he was getting into. I think part of his coping strategy is taking care of me, and I am very lucky for that. However, I also feel guilty for not being able to get out of the house as much; I know he gets bored and restless. He always seems very even-keeled about everything, but I fear that he may not be in touch with his emotions about my illness. I have suggested caregiver groups and such, and he seems open to it but then ultimately doesn't participate. I worry that he takes better care of me than he does of himself.
You may be your partners hyperfocus, but you are wise to be a bit wary of him not looking after himself. They never do. The restlessness and bordom is the worst. You need so much energy to keep up with them x
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