Yesterday, my daughter gave me a 200 page journal designed for moms to write answers to questions about their lives. What a great gift for me! I’ve been drifting lately, and this gives me a sense of purpose. I plan to answer at least one question each day. It will be a lovely keepsake. Still, I felt a twinge of sadness knowing why this is important to her. I’ve included a photo in case others might be interested in such a journal.
Best to all in 2022,
Sashay
I love this!!!! I want one so that I can do that for my daughter as well. It will give me purpose! Thank you for posting it Sashay
What a perfect, yet sad, gift! When I was having my first recurrence I said to my younger daughter "You guys need to think of things you want to know about our family, etc. because when it's too late you'll regret not being able to ask." I was speaking from my own experience as a daughter. But my daughter yelled at me, "MOM, STOP." She has said she is fine with denial. Everyone has to cope in their own way. But even if we didn't have incurable cancer, that would be a great gift. xx
I agree with you Delia. It is sad. But I think my completed journal will become one of my daughter’s most treasured possessions. I hope in the future, it will bring her some small measure of comfort. If I had happened upon it myself, I would have completed it in secret and left it for my daughter. I have not discussed my prognosis with her. I try to take my cues from her as to what she is able to process and when. Sashay
I know my 3 daughter will shout MUM STOP, if i tell the the same )))
That was my daughter’s response when I suggested we discuss my memorial service after I learned that I had recurred. She told me it was too soon to talk about that. So I have not mentioned it again. Sashay
Yeah....well.... I just find it difficult to open my mouth and chat to my daughters ( at list to older one 34 ) about funeral plans and services. I know it will upset everyone and me because they be upset. Personally I don't wont any memorial services. But funny enough I decided to contact Funeral directors to arrange prepaid everything )) I searched online and called Coop so far. Because of Covid they not inviting anyone in for face to face chats and asked me to wait few weeks )) I don't wont to leave this to my girls and also its quite liberating to arrange everything yourself and choose yourself. I was exited to learn for first time that there is a WOODLAND ECO BURIALS ! ) Without fuss, close to nature, stunning locations, planting a tree instead of heavy stone and more nice perks )) I know after I will arrange that hopefully for no near future, I will have to talk to them that its been done etc, I also know I can leave them written note /will but worried they wont find it in time and I don't fancy to put that note on display.....Wonted to rise this question for all Overcomers to get wise answers but thinking it might upset people ?
Regarding funeral plans, I arranged and paid for mine straight after my diagnosis and surgery back in early 2018, and I told my son I'd done it, but he does not want to talk about it, hear any details, or any talk of death at all, so it is difficult. I did it then because only the year before, I'd had to organise my ex husband's funeral, so what you have to do was fresh in my mind. Obviously I'm still here, but its a relief knowing all arrangements are in place - I have left the folder regarding the funeral and anything to do with my estate and Will in a particular place, and although he knows I've done that, no doubt he will forget where it is, but really the folder is on open display in my desk, so he should be able to retrieve it when the time comes.
It is frustrating that he doesn't want to talk about anything to do with my passing, because its meant I've had to leave extensive notes about who to call, how to proceed with dealing with things outside of the actual funeral, but it's done - he is lumbered with doing it all because there's no one else to do it, I live alone.
The worst thing about arranging my funeral so soon after diagnosis is I keep changing my mind about the music, I've changed it three times already... And the other thing is, I might have gone for something far simpler and cheaper, such as Simply Cremation, had I foreseen the arrival of Covid, which obviously means (unless Covid is all done and dusted by the time I go) far fewer, or even very few, people will attend, so a quieter, quicker funeral may have been more appropriate. But yes, it is hard to talk to one's offspring about these things because, understandably, they cannot cope with their own feelings about it.
As for the Coop asking you to wait because of Covid, other funeral companies will send out someone to your home to sort the arrangements, that's what I did at the time, so I didn't go with the Coop because they wouldn't do that and I was not able to drive at the time, although perhaps most are not even doing that currently.
Miriam
Make me smile because I keep changing my mind about cremation or burial ?! I know it suppose to not hurt to be cremated, but scared in advance to go into the fair and then grind into the powered brrr )) But then thinking it might be soo cold underground and all that creatures who live dawn there )) Been thrown into the see is not an option ( scared of big fish ) ! Oh dear can not make my mind PS - dot need music sad or funny, it will upset girls even more. I don't wont them to cry at all but we cant order that can we& ))
Well I'm afraid burial was far too expensive at £1200 for a plot, but anyway, I don't like the idea of being 6 feet under, nor the fact I'll be producing methane and contributing to climate change, nor do I like the idea of being shoved in an oven - I'd prefer to be left up in a tree or on open ground, which is just recycling really, but that's not an option in the UK unfortunately. I wouldn't have minded promission, where they dip you into a nitrous oxide solution (think Terminator style) and then just shatter you because you're frozen by it, but no crematoriums have taken this method up yet, even though its much more environmentally friendly. I am, though about to investigate what 'aero cremation' is, which is apparently what Bishop Tutu is having... other countries have body composting, not sure what that involves, and not sure its available in the UK either, it certainly wasn't back in 2018. It's really difficult to talk to other people about this stuff - most of them just think its morbid or something and shy away immediately, but actually, its just pragmatic, I mean none of us gets out here alive anyway, do we, with or without cancer. Regardless, you won't be aware whatever happens to your body - that's all it is, the thing you've occupied during this particular life, now 'empty', but yea, I feel the same as you!
As for music, pick what you like to listen to... my final tune is Queen's Hammer to Fall, which I've been listening to for years and only in 2018 did I realise its actually about aging and dying.... I want people to celebrate, have a party afterwards, Covid permitting. But people who are close to you will be upset and will likely cry whatever music you choose, so just choose things you love, and things they know you loved. Though it might mean they can't listen to those tracks after you're gone- I chose the Cure's Plainsong as one of the tracks for my husband's funeral as we were both Cure fans - haven't been able to listen to it since, even though I've always loved it...
Miriam
That exactly why am not choosing any music )) If it will be eco woodland funerals ( plots is around 900£ they said + 650 for diggers some woodland digging 3 ft some 4ft for eco purposes. I raised my concern about foxes digging me out. They reassured it will never be the case even when 3ft )) Very pretty willow coffins i like them ! )) or cardboard when yr people can write messages ? pictures etc, or banana leaf ones ! )) Yes I v heard about composting funerals and burials when they putting you in curled up embryo position to save the space and then they planting a tree above but haven't seen it online in UK. Yea small party would be good , may be not right away but when they feel better and ready . I looked into Simple Cremation and Simple burials , when they taking you right away to the fridge and then no good buy ceremony or they do 15 min or half hr ceremony , and cheapest 900£ to 1500 for everything But didn't really trust online bookings with this thing...Want some established company's )) Aah thanx for chatting with me have a great great day.
Also love the Cure. Barely listen to them any more but I Will Always Love You gets in my head now and then. It's strange - I have chosen music I want but no one wants to know as they say it's too depressing. At my brother's funeral, we had some hymn or other and then Jammin' by Bob Marley, which made us smile through our tears. xx
You'll have to leave a note about what music you want if you haven't organised it with a funeral service, because yes, no one other than some much older people will want to hear about it. One of my neighbours has a complete freak out if I even make a joke about this dying business, another one just denies its ever going to happen... which is not much use if you actually want to talk about it, is it🤗
Hi there,My Dad died in 2020, a month before my diagnosis and we decided to go for a woodland burial ground. We organised it and let the Co-op know as the day he went into the hospice, they insisted that I choose a funeral director (v tactful!). My Dad loved walking and had been to this area many times and he would have loved the fact that the guy who showed us round was wearing shorts. People questioned us but when they came to the funeral, they were sure we'd done the right thing. Only thing is we paid the Co-op and they were supposed to pay the wbg and it took them ages to do so. Recommend the wbg. Can tell you which one if you're interested. xx
Oh hi darling, thanx )) Yes please tell. Thats why I was exited to learn about wbg because I love walking )) I suppose its practical to choose nearest to ones location, but of cause I want to choose best i will like ? Did you had burial or ashes planted ? Would you also kindly tell me how much you paid for everything ?
Ours was in Edenbridge in Kent. Website: edenvalleyburials.org.uk/Their fee was £500 but we'd already booked the Co-op so had to pay them as well. WBG can take coffin (ours was plain wood) from car park to grave area in a wagon. The people there are very nice - Amy and Martin. Contact details: contact@edenvalleyburials.org.uk
We live a long way from there but it was an area we particularly like. Co-op took coffin and led way from where we live in Sidcup and distance cost no extra. Our Dad did not want to be cremated so we buried his body.
We took our own music - Pink Floyd was his favourite.
I suggest contacting whichever place is near you and finding out what they can/can't arrange as well rather than booking a funeral director first as I think we ended up paying Co-op for things they didn't do. Good luck with it. xx
Oh - still trying to recall how much we ended up paying the Co-op. Will let you know when I've found it.
Oh thanx Candy/ OK righty )) I was actually looking at Edenbridge Kent myself )) I don't think I v been there before in my 27 years in England. I suppose to go for 2 days and stay in Heever castle B&B near there last September, booked it , but it was too soon after chemo , didnt feel well so send my daughter and her friend there. I live in Surrey in Sutton around the corner from Marsden ( how convenient ! )) Site for all WBG showed me this edenvalley as nearest. I looked at them before and remember this couple on the photo and nice comments people leave for them. I just don't get why you paid 500£ for WBG direst, then to Coop ? Have you visited this woodland before and after dad?Am not driving? Need to find the way how to visit them in spring probably. Don't wont to ask my daughter to drive me there yet. Want to investigate myself first ))
I ordered one for me and I ordered one for my husband so he can write in it for Dads. He has a type of leukemia so this will be good for him as well! Thank you. How have you been?
I’m coming up on my third infusion of second line chemo. Intense stomach pain and other digestive issues, but I am soldiering on. Had a great Christmas. I hope you enjoyed the holidays. And I hope you enjoy the journal. 🙂Sashay
I think we have something similar here.My cousin said that she had bought a gift book for her daughters called 'From me to you'. Questions are answered which sound similar to yours.A lovely thought.
I have written bits and pieces about my life. This journal makes it easier because it poses specific questions. I wrote on the first topic yesterday which had to do with when and how I learned to ride a bicycle. It was fun remembering my dad teaching me. Sashay
Great gift for capturing events or just things sometimes you smile laugh or even cry at, it's beautiful.
Thanks. I was really touched by her gift which, in a few months time, will become a gift to her from me. Sashay
That is lovely. My mum did one for me and yes I treasure it. Cancer or no cancer I think it is an important and wonderful thing to do. If you can include photos too or do a separate album. Think maybe I should put this into practice myself. X
That’s a great idea to add photos! We lost practically all our photos to Hurricane Katrina. But every now and then, my younger brother or an old friend runs across a photo and sends it to me. Sashay
Brilliant! Thank you x
Glad I shared. Didn’t want to be morbid. Sashay
Lovely idea, and I'd love to leave a journal like that behind, BUT, I only have a son, and he's dyslexic, so I cannot imagine he would ever read it... I always wanted a daughter, but never got one...
Miriam
Hi Sashay , What a lovely gift ! I have two sons and some years ago, I organized an album containing old photos of family members and what I remembered of each of them or had been told . My father was very good at writing on the back of them . My grandchildren will be able to reference it . Even have a picture of my great ,great grandfatherI think my sons would appreciate I book I had spent time writing and entering memories.
My youngest son is pretty practical and I can talk to him about more stuff than my older son .
As he says , anyone can be called home at any time., it's not morbid, but a fact.
Thank you so much for sharing ❤
Thinking of you Gillian, Mookie Fox
Thanks Gillian. I hope you are doing well and that you have a positive and happy year. Sashay
My holiday season bummed out since my son came down with covid . I am now struggling to get over a nasty bout of bronchitis, I am hoping that I have finally turned the corner with it .. It's always something. Thank you for your good wishes !
Gillian , Mookie Fox
My eldest daughter bought one for me last year. I felt the same and held back from writing in it for a while. When I did start I found that I had to add in extra pages for some of the questions! Enjoy writing in yours xx
Thanks. That’s good to know. 🙂Sashay
My daughter found an online service similar to this called Storyworth. She asked me to do it for her and said she would pay. I had been trying to do something myself so was thrilled that she wanted to preserve some of my memories. The service involves being sent a question by email, answering by replying to the email. Photos can be attached to the reply. Eventually a printed photo book is created. My daughter is sent the replies as she is paying and she has told me that she is appreciating reading the stories.
I wish you well as you complete the book and your treatment. Sometimes the questions are confronting but often they make me smile.
Wow! That’s an amazing service. Your daughter is a real treasure. Sashay
What a lovely gift from your daughter! I wish I had had a similar journal for my father during his last illness. Wishing you and your family all the best as your treatment continues. --Lani
Thank you so much, Lani. I hope 2022 has gotten off to a good start for you and those you love and that the upcoming year will hold joyful moments for you. Sashay
I was inspired by you and ordered a copy for my mother--81 and still going strong after breast cancer four years ago. She grew up in rural Georgia and has many stories to tell.
That will be wonderful reading though her memories. One of the things it says in the journal is that it is good to write down our experiences, but that we should also discuss them with family. It is a good conversation starter. Sashay
Oh Sashay this is a really lovely idea just love it.Sending love & big hugs Sheilafxx
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