Not the woman I was

[PhillipandBettykid]

I went to the oncologist this week and whilst I was waiting in the coffee shop I heard the women behind me say. ‘I am not the woman I was’... This really resonated with me. I was “terminal” at diagnosis but with new treatments and care have survived 5 years. I have lots of tumours and am currently on Rucaparib. What has been “terminal “ is the life I expected. I am now disabled and struggle to do even the basic things on some days. I am definitely not the woman I was.

[Hidden]

Hi, Your post resonated with me and will with others as "not the woman I used to be" is what we all feel. I posted about this just a short while ago here and on a separate blog. (mycancerconfessions.com/201... Cancer and its treatment changes much about who we are, physically and emotionally. For some, fear is ever present, for others a "live in the moment" mantra becomes the norm. For others the difference is not so easily defined, but is so deeply felt.

You have survived five years past a bad prognosis and that is no small feat. You have clearly brought the strength and determination of your old self with you and you have already come a long way on this difficult and frightening journey. You showed cancer that you are not so easily defeated and that your new self is still willing to fight. Mourn your before as needed, but do move forward. There is still much joy to be had.

I hope you find it.

Best wishes and do keep us up to date. We are all walking this journey together.

[PhillipandBettykid in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your help. You are right we do have to give ourselves permission to mourn and grieve. Not easy for others to understand. I will be interested in reading your blog - thanks.

[Katmal-UK]

Hi Your post resonated. I wasnt told I was terminal when diagnosed in 2007 but I was told I had a couple of years left. I dont feel the same, I have a different oulook on life. My diagnosis changed me ......

[PhillipandBettykid in reply to Katmal-UK]

Yes you are right. Because it has affected me so much physically I forget about the mind set change. When I first got the diagnosis I thought I could go on a wild spending spree! Lol 😆 Thank heavens I didn’t. At least I didn’t lose all my good sense.

[avid]

I totally agree with these feelings. Currently on watch and wait after rising CA125 on maintenance Zejula. I am not the person I was or want to be as you never know what this beast has in mind for the future. Many dark thoughts which are kept secret so as not to burden others with your worries. A smiling face which hides the fact that you are crumbling inside.

[PhillipandBettykid in reply to avid]

Oh Avid, it is so hard to carry those dark thoughts alone. I have such a good GP and support from the hospice. I can tell the truth to them, they understand and help. People on here are great too. Sending a hug 🤗

[PhillipandBettykid]

Oh Avid, it is so hard to carry those dark thoughts alone. I have such a good GP and support from the hospice. I can tell the truth to them, they understand and help. People on here are great too. Sending a hug 🤗

[Rlenesue]

I am with you, this disease takes the woman out of us, the drive, but still makes us warriors..5 years since a terminal diagnosis is huge..keep on fighting the good fight

[Lynn2012]

Completely empathise with this - sometimes hard to put on a brave face and often feels like only those in similar positions really understand. Thinking of you! xxx

[Iwillbeatit]

So very true not the woman I was physically or mentally. It changes your . Attitude to live and physically your body does not work properly your joints ache your nose is painful I have shrunk in height and cannot lift my arms above waist height or walk very far as no stamina. Hospice were supportive but they are now throwing out people who are not 6 months terminal or very sick. It will leave a massive void in my life as the mental support from staff volunteers and other patients has been a life saver. Good luck.l

[PhillipandBettykid in reply to Iwillbeatit]

That’s tough with the hospice. As you say they are life savers.

[Iwillbeatit]

They certainly are. I had not realised what a crutch they had become to me but I will lose it along with m a ny other patients in May when they change their crit e re a there are people even more needy th a n me losing it who live on their own and can not walk at all and only go out to the hospice d a y service once a week a huge loss to them.