I had a tough day today and during one especially challenging situation, I felt a deep longing for the woman I used to be…you know, before cancer. She was strong and capable and always knew what to do. She was spontaneous and lusted for adventure. She was healthy, vivacious and always had a good word for others. She’d try anything (reasonable), do what others could not and had the energy of a 40 year old. (She was not the least bit vain – ha, ha) and she could deal with my day so much better than I am dealing with it.
I am no longer that woman. It makes me sad and I miss her.
I am well aware that I am, for reasons not under my control, not the same as I was. As a result of my cancer and subsequent treatments, I have physical limitations that prevent me from doing what I used to do. I am not as capable as I once was. I can no longer “do anything.” Well, you get the drift.
I know there are aspects of the “old me” that remain and the losses are felt more by me than by anyone who knows me. I know too that this journey I am on will continue to change me in profound and yet unimagined ways – some for the better and perhaps some for the worse. I will control what I can and accept what I can't and look forward with curiosity and excitement to discovering new aspects of myself as I travel this new path.
I will also grieve a little for the person I involuntarily leave behind.
Well said. I feel the difference maybe most keenly at work , where suddenly I am more following than leading, and no longer enthusiastically taking on every new challenge that comes my way. Today, I'm quite content to let things pass.
I actually looked down on those kind of colleagues before. Lazy muppets, the lot of them ;). Serves me right then, eh?
You're still fighting the good fight though , just within new parameters. Keep at it. :). xx. Maus
Yep me too Maus. I used to get frustrated with 'coasters'. How could they not want to thirst for greater evidence to do their job to the optimum? How could they bear to not achieve the highest targets? One of life's lessons, they perhaps weren't all lazy.....
I think that although it may not feel it, you are still new in your journey and time will help heal you. I was very angry at the world (and myself) and lost trust in my body - even to the point I didn’t trust opening up my innermost feelings to MYSELF. I’m now 3 years on from stage 3 Bowel cancer ... and have found a much calmer me to deal with. My biggest fear is stress and anxiety so anything at all that causes that - I try to nip in the bud. Not always successfully!
I look at pictures of me ‘bc’ and Remember some very simple thoughts - everything now is very complex in there!!
I do wonder if sometimes we look back on our ‘old selves’ with rose tinted glasses - because like you, I remember the ‘bc’ me as fun and energetic etc. I wonder if that was the case or whether I’m rewriting history sometimes...
Anyhow the new You is AWESOME! Look at what the new You has achieved and handled. Your energy has gone into saving your life! That’s a pretty big thing! The new You is a different, wiser, stronger version of the old you with more life experience and perspective.
Hang on in there - you’re doing a great job. Celebrate your incredible achievement . Xx
So beautifully put. I think all of us here can relate to your words. I get bitter and angry, the physical changes so hard to live with. With the warm weather here I can’t hide my ugly body anymore, My big swollen tummy from Ovarian and no breasts following a double mastectomy for the breast cancer, I cry every time I look in the mirror. A real cruel disease on so many levels. X
I am so sorry- I think the old adage about beautiful on the inside is still true to those that love you though.. sending you a virtual hug if it’s possible xxx💕
I feel old before my time and like a completely different person! My physical appearance is so different too, I’ve gained weight due to treatments, my hair is short and curly and I can no longer do some things I took for granted before! It’s frustrating and like you I grieve for that strong independent woman that’s disappeared but I’m also in awe of how much I’ve actually got through and I’m still standing and relatively sane!!
In some ways cancer has changed my mindset as well as my body and some of those changes are welcome such as not fretting the small stuff as much. In other ways it makes me feel vulnerable and I really don’t like that!
We do need to give ourselves time to get to know the new us I took 54 years before cancer to know who I was and feel happy and fulfilled! It’s only been 22 months since diagnosis and I’ve barely had a break from treatments so I’m still on the rollercoaster but thankful I’m alive so I’m trying to enjoy every day xx
Hi. So well said and very true. I have just written something on this topic! Yes, I agree with you that grief and loss of who we once were is very much part of this disease. I quote from my latest blog. (Hope its not too long)
'Cancer stops us in our tracks whether we want it or not. We no longer have a choice really. I may long to have a ‘normal’ life again and in remission I notice I just want to be and feel ‘normal’ again. I want to have my hair back, I want my energy back, I want my life back as it was. (I have already clocked up 30 chemo’s and despite the fact I have 4 degrees, I can’t hold a thought in my head for more than 10 seconds these days.)
Anyhow, I just got a free wig from the hospital in preparation for my 3rd lot of chemotherapy soon. I said that it looked almost like how my natural hair was. The wig lady commented that most women want that. I said, ‘that’s because most of us want to look and feel like we did before we had this dreadful disease.’
I want to be able to eat cake and chocolate and not suffer from digestion issues. I miss my work as a therapist helping others and going for long walks. I miss being able to go out and not worry about getting sick as the flu season starts and lots of folk are coughing and sneezing. I miss not being fit and healthy and having an active life. I miss my memory.'
And similar to you I have learnt alot, changed and 'taken charge' of my treatment by finally finding an excellent oncologist, doing alot of research and being polite but firm with medical folk about what my wishes are! I still swim and walk and help others when I can and go away alot when I am not on chemo. And when I get upset, I then ‘become the river’, let it go and move on to the next moment and next step, whatever that may be on my path home.
Yes definitely! I am 60 this year and a friend who is also reaching this milestone posted on fb about how amazing her 50s had been and how she was looking forward to the new decade...it just made me realise what a lot I had missed...she has a new job, I am wondering if I should retire even though I love my work, I get tired and I know that treatment will interrupt any plans I make...but at least I am still here xx
I can totally relate to all these posts. Whilst I get on with my new life on a day to day basis, I keep asking myself how the hell did I end up like this at 60. It definitively wasn’t in my plan. It’s sad all I want is my old life back which we all know will never happen. I hate this disease!!
I am so moved by this - and relate totally as so many others here will do too. I have however learnt that people are so incredibly kind it brings me to tears. I have learnt that my husband has been extraordinarily supportive over what seems to be a very very long time but still honestly I rage inside that I am no longer even able to walk to the end of the high st and do all those things you say and more - no longer a healthy sexy woman but a person trying to put on a front for those lovely freinds who cannot see how much pain I am in. I am holding your hand metaphorically- and hope we can still be brave and go forward to face whatever comes along The kindness is something to embrace x
I certainly didn’t want to make you cry! I just seem to cry often and easily now myself. My husband has just been playing some of my favourite tunes through the “hey google” thing he’s set up... how is that for making me cry..but again so wonderful at the same time ❤️
I think when your back on chemo again no4 for me everything is at the forefront of your mine ! Well for me! Don’t apologise it was just your words it brings it home to most off us & cry as we do is a good release of positive energy albeit sad !if that makes sense! God bless us all & I’m really not religious but a time and a place when we do talk to our Heavenly Father 😘
Hi, I can identify so much with those sentiments. I try not to beat myself up to much about not being the person I was before this lousey disease came along. On bad days I try to remember these words . I found them in a book of poetry given to me early in my diagnosis by a thoughtful friend .
The book is The Poetry Pharmacy, the poem from My Brilliant Image by Hafez.
This is for you and all the amazing women living today as best we can with what we’ve got.
Thank you for posting this, I feel exactly the same. I was 39 when first diagnosed, I’m now 44 and although I know I am very lucky to still be here it has taken its toll. I don’t feel or look the same although Someone did put in their post about did we look at our previous self with rose tinted glasses and I think she is 100% right. I never liked my belly when I was 9 stone ! and was never happy with my hair when it was lovely and thick! I’m now 12 stone and hate my thin hair!!! We will all have bad days but we are lucky to be here and should try and embrace our changes but I know that’s easy to say. I have a melt down every time I get dressed, but we are here and we will make the best of it!
Fabulous post. It could be me writing all of the above. Everyone tells me that I'm here and that's all that matters but I long to look in the mirror and recognise me. I long to be carefree. I long to be more useful.
Oh, I miss me so much. I was never the most outgoing person but now I am one of those 'coasters' who can't cope with any new situation.
How I would cope if I still had to work I cannot imagine. I can't even remember how I used to cope with 30 Year 11 pupils on a wet Friday afternoon. I'm not that person anymore.
What a beautiful post - so honest, direct and balanced - telling it how it is in all its messiness, but also able to see new positive things emerging from this process. Thank you xxx Sundra
Beautifully put and sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling since diagnosis 18 months ago.
I mourn for the loss of the independent, control freak I was, BUT I have also learned a valuable lesson, in that the things I thought important really aren’t. Three years since moving to France our bedroom still hasn’t been decorated and still no en-suite. Do I worry about it now? No, I couldn’t give a fig. I have a comfortable bed to sleep on, and a wonderful family who have been fretting constantly until recently. They are so happy that I’ve been able to tell them I feel more like me, I have more energy and now when I look in the mirror I almost see me again. I took the plunge last week and went back to being blonde. I couldn’t bear the sight of the old, grey lady staring back reminding me of the journey I’ve been on and that I’m still technically Classed as having OC even though I don’t feel quite so much like a weak kitten any more.
Now it’s my turn to give back to my hubby who is going through his own cancer journey.
Here’s to us lovely ladies, we are amazing, strong and giving our all to kick this beast into touch.
Oh Almalyffe sweetheart, you are still you. I know exactly what you mean though I was always a very strong person who people always asked for help if they were stuck, I would do anything myself and try anything. I had quite a senior position at work and loved my job, then this damn disease comes along and throws everything up in the air! You start questioning yourself and things you used to do. Friends and family say “oh you can do it if anyone can because you are strong, kick it’s arse” and there are days when you want to shout “STOP I am not strong I am struggling with losing my identity and my life” and then I feel bad for thinking like that.
I feel now I am Tracy with cancer, not me as an individual.
I guess I am trying to say we all go through it. We fight as hard as we can to stay alive with this disease, and try to get some form of normality in our lives.
We know how you feel and sympathise even though we don’t like sympathy just give us our lives back.
Remember you are a strong teal warrior, and you will mourn for your old life but you will also thrive in your new one.
Sending you lots of love 💕 hugs 🤗 and positive thoughts xxxx
So true. We were only talking about this recently at the hospice daycare. All of us agreed we had a low stress tolerance now which makes watching things like “Line of Duty” really hard. I thought it was just me. I miss being physically active too I am really limited in what I can do. I also miss having a rectum! (I know, who’d have thought.)
Still, I am grateful for good days and friends and family.
Hi, I thought about your post and then decided that I am still ME, B/C or after, I'm still ME. Tbh though I suddenly realised that I AM the strong person everyone always said I was. Having my parents say I was always the strong one, the one everyone turned to because I could make things happen and didn't suffer fools gladly, someone who could meet things head on was something I just thought they were saying. I realised as time went on after my diagnosis that I am (luckily) a strong character and that hasn't changed. Maybe my physical abilities have changed through treatment, weight gain and age but I am still able to do what I can albeit sometimes through sheer determination. Do I miss the 'old' me, not really, I'm a stronger version. xx Kathy xx
like wise ,and I think am I in denial or just getting on with it,which I like to think,all I get is how strong I am etc I could scream as this is me,having said that last week chemo no3 slowed me down for the first time I gave in and had two days off our business lol due to feeling tired and very sick,but back on track lol xx
I too hover between being grateful I’m alive and grieving the loss of the old healthy can-do me. My scars and missing parts, my weak knees and painful feet, numb fingers, and slower brain, all permanent losses from cancer treatments that saved my life (thus far). It’s a tension that emerged after I started picking up the threads of my old life and realizing I would never “get back to normal.” The old me got cut, poisoned and radiated. This is me now, with limitations, with weaknesses. But I am less critical of others, more grateful, humble and compassionate, patient and kinder in thought and deed. My life is simpler, career less important, and my marriage has not just weathered this storm, but grown deeper and sweeter. I’ll take it and be thankful. Not to say, I won’t have the occasional winge inside about what this new me can no longer do, because the losses hurt.
I think it's perfectly fine to mourn the new you. I did while I was in treatment. And for a year after. But I learned to embrace every unexpected change as they came along. I always look at life as an adventure so this is just another adventure experiencing new things. The beautiful, long, perfectly white hair I had cultivated for years? Gone. In place is cute, darker curls and a lot less maintenance, shorter look. Can't walk far because of neuropathy? I ride my bike instead. Just started chair exercise and the community pool opens in 3 weeks so I can swim laps. Got let go from a beloved job because the boss felt I couldn't keep up? I freelance from home and get to take those much needed naps and spend more time with my family. Since it's been 4 years now, I am not pampered anymore. No-one asks how I am or feel. And that's great! What I am saying is, time does heal. Not everything, but how you approach your new normal with grit and determination and creativity is 100% achievable. I was laughing yesterday because I decided to dig up my little garden to clean out all the old whatever has been planted there and start with a new and I had to take a break every 15 minutes. It was frustrating to have a 2 hour job stretch into 2 days but I was alive to do it. Everyday blessings. Big hug to you and please know it gets brighter.
Yes, I miss the old me. I would dearly love to be able to reset the clock. Especially when my 7 year old tells me that cancer has ruined her life and that she was so much happier before. Then I weep inside, whilst putting on a brave face and talking to her about all the fun things we’ve done together despite me having cancer. It sucks.
However, there certainly have been some tremendous experiences since my diagnosis, and without having cancer, I would never have done them. So whilst doors have closed others have opened...I just feel a bit jaded by it all at the moment.
Totally understand all the posts here - it’s hard not to grieve for everything that has been lost to this disease - tbh my previous existence wasn’t a barrel of laughs either as I suffered from long term anxiety which escalated to the point I just wanted to die as I approached the change so in some respects hysterectomy remedied the hormonal swings for me - what I feel is the hardest thing about the loss of my previous self is the feeling of no longer belonging - I find a lot of what I enjoyed before cancer no longer engages me so that has distanced me from friends - similarly i find ovarian cancer a tricky one to fit into the wider online cancer community - recurrence is so high that we are sort of living in a limbo land which those with other cancers don’t quite understand - so I find cancer has isolated me to the extent that I struggle to see where I fit in now x
Wow. Thank you all for responding. I wrote that last night as I went to bed and was surprised to see the response today.
As I read through your notes, I cried – in empathy for the pain some are going through, as I was touched by your experiences or inspired by your words - but mostly because I felt “understood” in a way that I have not felt in some time.
Yesterday, I was scared. I saw my old self disappear in a single moment and it shocked me to realize that I am not that person anymore.
Today, I am inspired and feel re-energized. It excites me to know that I can now participate more actively in the “becoming” of my new self (how many of us have ever said, “if only I knew then what I know now?”).
Thank you for sharing yourselves so openly (today and always) and in doing so providing strength to those of us who need it.
Very well said. I think you captured what most of us think about, but, can't put into words.
I was 58 when I was diagnosed 4 years ago with one recurrence last summer. I have this same chat with myself and then I argue...am I feeling/looking this way because I am older and aging or did this Damn OC leave it's mark on me? I was always pretty active and never had two minutes to spare. the surgery and chemo surely cut that short for me and I actually started to appreciate it when the world stopped and I was left in a time bubble. What now?
I recently went to a nutritionist who specializes in cancer patients. Did a whole analysis of what my body was missing in nutrients, etc. So for a week now I've been on all these supplements, but, the main ingredients are the B vitamins, D3 and Vitamin K. IT's only been a week, but, I feel better. Skin and energy level up. Although they say not to take Advil, I pop two when my shoulder or anything else hurts.I also have a protein shake in the morning. (in all my years I have NEVER done this before. I ate healthy, but, would never substitute a shake for a meal. Well, being Italian....we eat Carb after carb and then top it off with sugar. Sugar was my enemy. I was miserable for the first couple of days, but, then noticed I wasn't running for chocolate.
To go back to your very profound search for your old self....I, too, miss who I was....but me is still here. I now accept a little help now and then, but, I push myself (within reason) to do everything. (within reason). This is our new normal. It's us, but, stronger. The old us didn't know what the fear of surgery and chemo or even of the C word itself. Well, we have faced the Devil head on and invited him to the dance. We are worried, but, not afraid. If we were afraid we would not have agreed to chemo. Many years ago, people would die just because they didn't want the treatment.
The new you is just the old you, but, stronger. I find I appreciate life more now than before. Easy to do when you shut the door in the face of the Reaper. lol.
You will get stronger and stronger. You will find your old self. So many new treatments and options out there. We need to worry less and live more (easier said than done). Let's do this!
I am reading everyone's replies and loving it! I can relate to EVERY person. Did you notice that everyone is speaking about their feelings and we have not once mentioned any hard core cancer or treatment talk. Thank you for opening up such a brilliant conversation!
This is so well put, thank you. I was diagnosed three months after retirement and was looking forward to doing so much with friends and family. Life has certainly not been as I expected.
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Thank you to the beautiful contributors to this site and 'Hello'.
Do you ever think of ending it?
Ovarian cancer going to the brain
On 'Cancer awareness day' we made it to my local paper, thank you all so much for being there when i needed you most xxx
2020 Resolutions: Be Patient, Peaceful and Present
