Responding to posts

[TheOvacomeTeam]

Dear All

There have been concerns raised recently by forum members regarding the tone of some responses to posts.

We would ask that you do not tell other members decisively what treatment they should be on. All treatment decisions are individual, so please bear in mind that replies which state absolutely what someone should be doing can cause distress to forum members, even though this would not be what was intended by replying.

It is absolutely fine to say what treatment you have had, and suggest to others things they may wish to discuss with their team. We are not trying to limit the subject of conversations, but rather ask that you consider the way in which this information is shared.

Please do get in touch with us if you have any queries or concerns regarding this.

Best wishes

The Ovacome Team

[Boot1947]

Thank you for that. A particularly bossy poster was really getting on my nerves! I know I should try to avoid reading her posts but it’s not always easy when it’s a pertinent subject. Deb x

[Maus123]

Thank you for that post, Anna. Admittedly, I fall into that trap myself at times. Might look at my post and think that sounds really 'off' sometimes.

So if I've offended anyone, I do apologize. And will endeavour to keep the above guidelines in mind. <3 to all. Maus

[Yoshbosh in reply to Maus123]

Not you Maus! You’re perfect the way you are x

[Boot1947 in reply to Maus123]

Maus, you’re brilliant! Keep on keeping on with your great advice, please. Deb x

[Katmal-UK]

Hi As I tend to reply a lot, having been around for so long, if I have offended anyone I wholeheartedly apologise xx Kathy xx

[Tesla_7US in reply to Katmal-UK]

You are not offensive in any way. I follow

your posts and value your perspective.

[Katmal-UK in reply to Tesla_7US]

Thank you. Certain members of my family say I have a bossy trait lol so this post made me wonder!

[Tesla_7US in reply to Katmal-UK]

People frequently think goal oriented, organized women are "bossy". Men with the same characteristics are termed "professional and competent".

[Katmal-UK in reply to Tesla_7US]

hmmmm I might just use that ! My line Manager (Male) said laughingly the other day Im a lady not to be messed with lol.

[Tesla_7US in reply to Katmal-UK]

You are direct and assertive ---adjectives reserved for men. Direct, assertive women are described as "pushy, bossy" etc. Just another example of how words are used to marginalize women.

[bamboo89 in reply to Katmal-UK]

I just noticed your use of the word 'bossy'... I've been called that in the past, along with formidable, but I know I am not bossy. Bossy actually means you tell other people what they should do and tell them they must do it; what I do is say what I'm doing or going to do, and its absolutely up to everyone else whether they follow suit or do something completely different, that's their choice. Somehow, stating with self determination and clarity what you have chosen to do seems to make other people feel we're being bossy if its not something they themselves have chosen to do; I suspect its something to do with the herding instinct, where a group of humans, small or large, is more comfortable if they behave as a herd and all say, do and think the same things....a member of the herd is seen as breaking ranks and therefore some kind of subtle threat if they choose to do something different. That's without the sexism difficulties, where women are expected to go along with whatever the males say and do, and certainly not to oppose what they think is best....

Ultimately, then, it is not bossy to state a strong opinion or intent to carry out a particular action - but it is bossy to insist the other person adopts that opinion or particular action as their own,to follow your lead. Ergo, I strongly suspect you are not actually bossy at all, merely forthright, and not only is there nothing wrong with that, we could do with a lot more of it in life generally... I have certainly seen nothing in your posts that suggests 'bossy' to me, nor, in fact in any of the other ladies posts who have contributed on this thread.

Miriam

[Yoshbosh in reply to Katmal-UK]

It’s not you, Kathy! You never cause offence.

[Katmal-UK in reply to Yoshbosh]

Thanks Vicki, thought the same of yr posts too xx

[Maus123 in reply to Katmal-UK]

Does not apply.

[Katmal-UK in reply to Maus123]

Thanks doesnt apply to you either x

[Yoshbosh]

If I ever fall into this category, please can someone pm me to tell me to wind my neck in?!

[LittleSan in reply to Yoshbosh]

Never! 😄😘

[Boot1947 in reply to Yoshbosh]

You could never! Your posts are always excellent - thank you. Deb x

[Maus123 in reply to Yoshbosh]

No, you're fine, Vikki. xx

[Lucidalil]

This is one of the reasons I don’t post a lot, unfortunately I have a rather no nonsense realistic personality and tend to say it as it is and not everyone has the same outlook . There have been times I have started to post an answer then deleted it after reading realising we are not all at the same place in our cancer journeys and may not be ready for some of the information.

If I have offended anyone my sincere apologies xx

[Hidden]

Maus123, Katmal-UK & Yoshbosh, I honestly don’t think that anything in that post refers to any of you. Your replies are always helpful & your language moderate. You three do exactly what is recommended by referring to your own treatments & experiences. I am full of admiration for all three of you and very grateful for every reply you take the trouble to write.

Anne

[Katmal-UK in reply to Hidden]

Oh Anne, thank you for that xx

[Barmycharm in reply to Hidden]

I second that, all your responses have helped me no end xx

[Yoshbosh in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Anne 😘

[Trathi]

Sorry if I have offended anyone, it certainly wasn’t meant xxx

[bamboo89]

Oh lord, now I'm desperately trying to remember if I've been someone who has told people precisely what they must do... I don't think I have, other than maybe suggesting someone speaks to their oncologist or doctor,but I know I'm very frank about what I personally feel and do ... is there a way to look at each post I've made just to check? I do remember one or two posts on here where a person has said definitively that someone else must have a particular drug or treatment, but I don't believe I have. I bet we're all worrying now whether its us or not...

Miriam

[koffeekat99 in reply to bamboo89]

Hi Miriam

I am thinking exactly the same about myself and judging by the responses above so are a few people. It can be difficult sometimes with written responses to ensure that the context comes across as intended. I'd like to think I'd get a nudge if it were me that had offended as it certainly is never an intention.

I'm struggling to even remember which conversation it is that is being referred to which is making me doubt myself even more that it was me!

I think suggesting someone speak to their oncologist or doctor is a very sensible suggestion and in many cases it is often the best advice to give because it means people go to discuss the opportunities available to them with people who are familiar with the intricacies of their own case.

I think this thread shows that we're generally a supportive bunch

[bamboo89 in reply to koffeekat99]

That's the trouble with trying not to tackle specific individuals and putting out an alert to everyone - I remember when I was working in the HR department of a small office centuries ago, I was asked to put out a memo (old school, obviously!) to all the women saying there'd been complaints about some members of staff's personal hygiene, and could people just ensure they kept themselves clean rather than being a bit tardy about it. I can't remember the exact wording, but I do remember going to the Ladies later and it was chockful of female members of staff checking their underarms and asking each other if it was them... talk about a disruption in the work schedule! I knew who it was, and it wasn't any of them... In the end, I took the individual on one side and had a private word about it. Now I think about it, I don't know how I had the chutzpah, given I was only 24, it certainly wasn't a comfortable thing to do, but sometimes, its best to tackle the issue at the source... and it did resolve the problem AND we remained friendly, so somehow, I must have got it right...

[grammeejill]

I wouldn't be on this forum if I didn't gain valuable insight about available treatments and effects of those treatments. So please continue doing what all of you do best! But respect IS key and I have only had issues with one poster and admin dealt with it in quick order.

[kewl1]

Great post. People with cancer are already in a very delicate state mentally. A post that might lead them to believe that they are not getting the proper or best treatment and at a time when they are probably feeling like they are at the lowest point in their entire life would add much more stress and anxiety and could be devastating.

[Yoshbosh in reply to kewl1]

Exactly this!