Thank you LA for passing on my message but the most devastating news is that my husband and I have parted at what is a particularly hard time for me. Since diagnosis he has struggled to come to terms with what's going on and unfortunately he backs away from me when I need him the most. He's always been the same when I've struggled with my MS or just being poorly with the flu etc. It's more serious now and he can't cope. My doctor, counsellor, family and friends have all said that it's time to put myself first, even though it means facing the future alone. I've been devastated this last month and haven't even had a kind word or hug from him. In fact, he locks himself in a spare bedroom every day and I didn't clap eyes on him for two weeks. That's when I decided that I had to be with my family for my birthday. He has a counsellor but doesn't say anything. It's all my fault apparently. Well that's true. I got cancer.
Our house has gone up for sale but I am actively looking for somewhere to rent as living in the house with a husband who ignores me is heartbreaking. I'm losing my hair from stress alopecia which adds to my sadness. So, I've retreated from the world. I'm so sorry.
The loss of Madeline hit me hard as we used to email each other, mostly talking bowels.
Love to you all and please forgive my absence. Kryssy xxx
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I don’t come on here very often these days but was so touched by your post when I saw it that I wanted to just send my love and say how sorry I am that you are being treated in this way. The disease and your recent misdiagnosis with shingles is more than bad enough but to not have the support of your husband and to be told it is your fault is truly awful.
I’m sending my love and a hug with the hope that you find somewhere to live soon and that you can put yourself first.
Oh Kryssy, so so sorry. Sending you all my love and hugs - I hope you have people close to you there to give you support. We are all here 'online' which I know isn't the same thing as the real world but I hope it helps a little. Xxxx
What a heartbreaking post....I don’t think there are words to express how sorry I am that you find yourself in this place.
You have been failed when you need support the most... everyone is right, you are the most important person, no-one else should get a look in. God forbid your husband ever gets health issues... then he will truly know the impact of his actions.
Although I have never met you, your posts demonstrate the kind, warm, funny person that you are. Sending all the hugs and cuddles in the world.
I am so very sorry to hear this but,so very pleased you are putting yourself first.You sooo deserve to after everything you’ve had to and are enduring.Sending a big hug from me and take very good care xxx
Oh Kryssy I wish I could give you a big hug in person. Please don't apologise for not posting but know that although we may all be virtual friends we are all here for you and feel your pain. Your post made me want to cry for you. I wish I had a magic wand or the words to make you feel just a tiny bit better. Please keep us updated, we really are all here for you. Take care, Kathy xx
Hello Kryssy - words fail me! MEN!! I wish I could make it all better for you. Your family will see you through this difficult time and all of us ladies here on ovacome are always here for you, if you need a moan, shout or scream we will be listening. Virtual hugs. xxx
So sorry to read this but so much admiration for you realising that you need to put yourself first now - I often think that no matter who we have around us , that we are alone with this disease but to actually have to face this daily from someone who ought to be there for us must be heartbreaking - I can see the sadness and yes, sometimes frustration, in my husband’s face since diagnosis but I’ve never felt the door has been closed on me - wishing you the love and support of your family and good luck with finding a place to rent - don’t apologise for your absence - it’s yoyr life and illness and you must do what nourishes your soul x
Oh Kryssy, as if you didn’t have enough to deal with 😢. I know this time must be really difficult and I truly hope you are able to find a peaceful place for you, we don’t need negative influences at any time but especially when we’re poorly we need support from our nearest and dearest. It’s always difficult for our family when we’re ill, I think it’s often because they can’t do anything to help us and as a rule we girls are the glue that holds a family together so when things are out of kilter, especially with this bloody awful disease, it is particularly difficult but their support is so important to us so if there isn’t any there for you from your hubby then I think you’d be better off without the negativity and channel your amazing resolve into feeling better .
As always, you have our love even if we don’t hear from you. Please don’t apologise for anything, we all come together here to support each other and to be able to offload from time to time, you’re in the right place here with us. I send you love and hugs and even though I’m not a very spiritual person I have you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep strong lovely lady ❤️Xx Jane
This is a shocking state of affairs. Totally incomprehensible.
Your husband definitely had serious issues and he needs to face them. What a betrayal!
I am about your age, Birthday on 12 of December, and thought I was only 26 years old until I read my discharge papers and realised that I was actually 70 years old!
This illness has definitely aged me. I lost all my muscle tone, even in my once tight little face!
Still, my husband of 50 years thinks I am beautiful still and clings to me in a claustrophobic way. But that is certainly better than what has happened to you.
I need him, just as you need yours. I also have my adult daughter.
They take wonderful care of me and this is necessary, as like you, I live in another country, the UK, with the rest of my family in the USA.
I hope that you still have a good support system there.
Any chance of moving in with a son or a friend?
I don’t like the idea of you living alone.
When I fell ill, my daughter moved back home to help financially as well as supportively.
My friends and neighbors have been a great help, too. And my daughter keeps my USA family updated every night via email.
I still wonder if your husband is simply deeply depressed and in denial about losing you.
So instead of letting you leave him via illness, he is leaving you.
Can you somehow get help for him?
Can your kids do an intervention and talk some sense into him?
This is too devastating and a woman in your position/condition should not have to deal with this.
Any chance if returning to the UK for treatment?
Sigh.
Sorry for all the questions.
Hoping this is just a crazy phase and your husband will come to his senses.
Kryssy, don't dessert us. Keep putting your feelings in words, we'll read and listen even if we can't do anything practical about your situation. It's been so horrible for you and hard to understand how this can happen but your family will be a big support. Good luck with the renting. When you are away from the uncomfortable atmosphere you might start to feel a lot better.
I expect to read any future developments as long as you're strong enough.
All the very best for everything good to come your way. Hugs, Zena xxx
Oh Kryssy I am so sorry to hear this but I can relate to this. My husband really has struggled to come to terms with my illness, as I have have. He thinks I will be fine now and won't listen to any talk of it returning. I suppose we will have to cross that bridge when it happens. This is such a difficult time for you but you really are an inspiration to so many of us and such a strong lady. You have many many friends on this site so please continue to post . I will be thinking of you and sending huge hugs x x x
Dead kryssy, I'm so sorry to read your news, you have enough on your plate. Rally your lovely friends and family around you, take love and strength from them and be kind and gentle to yourself, hugs, love and prayers are flying your way, joanie
I'm so sorry you're going through this on top of everything else. It sounds like your husband is having real difficulties, so you need to focus on yourself now and not let his issues pull you down. Please know I'm sending you virtual hugs and support.
Kryssy, thanks for reaching out & sharing. We’ve missed you. Laura’s post resonated with me - perhaps your husband is pushing you away - so you don’t leave him....I hope you have a good support network. Would you return to the UK to be near one of your sons? Just really hoping for some solutions for you soon.
I do not frequent this site so often,although when I do I have read a lot of your posts. This current situation for you is so sad & I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. Try to stay strong for yourself & your family. I hope you find a suitable place to rent. x
Kryssy, I don't "know" you but I feel for your having to deal with such stressors as a split up and sale of your house when you're struggling with OC and bowel complications. It's really more than anyone should have to bear. Nonetheless it sounds like you will have more positive energy in your life without a sullen and withdrawn partner in the house. You do have to put yourself first, both to heal and also to make the most of every day you have. I left my husband of 26 years when I realized I would rather be alone than in the house with him and it was a great decision. It sounds like you have family and friends who can support you. I wish you the best. xoxox
Just sending you strength and love and hope all this leads to you now perhaps having a better life - I’m so sorry your husband Is not coping with your illness. Sending love ❤️ x
I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles. Your hubby sounds like self obsessed weak and selfish person. I have a friend who has had a similar experience, now divorced. This all shows how strong you are. In your situation I would be a complete wreck.
My hubby is always asking after you and we love your humour. I wish I could share a little bit of him with you.
Do what is best for you but all us girls love hearing from you.
Love and best wishes
Kathy xx
Kryssy I hugely admire your tenacity, humour and kindness. You are a phenomenal force of positivity and I know you will get through this bloody awful situation. God only knows where your husbands heads at, I can’t fathom the working of the male mind at the best of times!
Focus on your lovely self, sending huge hugs. X
Ah Kryssy, I am so sad for you. You are right, you have to look after yourself, he is an adult and can do the same. How are you managing for shopping etc, I hope you have some good friends around you. You are making the right decision for your sanity. Gentle hugs always
Dear Kryssy, I’m so sad to hear this news. This wretched disease can take away so much in our lives, not just our health but our friends, our relationships, our confidence, our independence and our future - whatever that was going to be.
We are all here to support you - stay in touch when you can.
You are such a warm, caring and genuinely funny person who kept me and many others in stitches in your dispatches from a hôpital in deepest France so I’m so sorry to hear what’s happening to you at the moment. When you feel ready you to share your laughter or tears with us, we’ll be here for you but in the meantime, will be thinking about you and hoping you find a new home soon. With lots of love Jo 🌺🌼🌸🌻🌹
I am so, so sad and devasted that this is happening to you and I wish I had something really profound to say and some major insight to give you that would make you feel better. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. I hope your friends and the rest of the family are surrounding you with love , compassion and care.Love Chris
Oh Kryssy, you poor, poor Love!! I am just so shocked and sad for you. I wish there was a way I could comfort you. Are you back in England? Will you be able to find somewhere near your family here? You must need them so much at the moment. I can't imagine how it must be, living in the same house as your husband in such a situation. It seems so strange that he is acting in the way. Maybe he's having a breakdown. I hope you're health gets better when you have a little less stress. Please keep in touch with us all and let us know how you're doing when you can. Hope you managed to have a Happy 70th Birthday with your family.
Thinking of you and sending love and hugs, Solange. 😊💐
Kryssy, I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this - on top of everything else that you have to deal with. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel for you soon. Please take care of yourself as best as you can xx
*9/ Idon t really know you but Ifelt it was relevant.Sending Love and prayers
I am relatively new here but when I was first diagnosed I came on here and it gave me comfort. I also have MS.My first husband divorced me because of the MS.The MS clinic told me that statistics were half the spouses divorced.People are selfish and lie when they say for better or for worse.I would never leave someone over illness and although I told my current husband if I got too sick with the MS I would set him free to live his life.He didn t take me up on the offer yet.lol You don t need this stress from him and moving when you have MS and cancer.Ireally feel for you.Sorry that you have to go through this.Ihope its not too creepy to respond to you as I felt it was relevant
Oh Kryssy, right now words are not much help for you but know that every one of us is right behind you and are sending strength and gentle hugs to help you through. So sorry you having to face this on top of what you already dealing with. Take good care of you. X x🌹
Oh Kryssy, that blows. I believe you're right to get out of there for now. Kudos to you for tackling the big items like selling the house, if you feel those steps towards finality are helping you at this point. Else you could leave those for later and just look for a bit of healing distance at the moment, and see how things develop. Maybe he'll get professional help and turn around at some point.
Hope you still have someone like a friend nearby for emergency support though. Helping with groceries on occasion, checking on you every now and then, talking/laughing/crying with you... that sort of thing. You could always consider to get a professional carer service engaged for basic needs too. Wish I lived nearby.
I know you are strong, with a project manager mind, despite the illness, and probably thought of all those aspects already.
Wish you strength, and the ability to breath more freely and to heal not only your body but your mind and soul. A big and gentle hug. Maus
Oh Kryssy, I am so sad to hear your news. This is a time when you need someone in your corner batting for you, so I hope you have friends or family who can be there for you. Cancer robs us of more than our health, it causes cracks in the whole foundations of our life. I just want to say that I am thinking of you, and sending caring vibes your way.
I’m so very sorry to hear about your husband adding to your difficulties. He sounds as though he feel the world revolves around him. Either that or he has no empathy or maybe both. I’m glad you are seeing a way forward and I do hope you are calling on your support network to help when you need it.
Despite being newish here I hope you won’t mind me sending love,
Kryssy, I wish I knew what to say to make things seem better but I don’t. He won’t be the first and he won’t be the last who can’t handle illness. Does he want to split up? One thing is for sure you cannot live together in that atmosphere.
Is there anyone to help you find somewhere else to live? Are you thinking of staying in France?
I still think it’s important to concentrate on getting a second opinion from Paris or elsewhere. You won’t know until you’ve tried. With all else that’s going on it may be difficult to think about but you owe it to yourself. You can also get a second opinion from Dana Farber based on your records which will need translating. This is how it works:
hi Kryssy, First of all, your post made me incredibly sad. To know the physical and mental pain you are carrying. Second, it angered me. I went thru similar circumstances and and mentally cursed out you husband for his abandonment. Third, I feel deep respect and admiration in your finding your truth and understanding that YOU matter. And in the months to come, there's gonna be more pain, but also a new pride and a new appreciation in getting negative people out of your life. I wish you well. You will be OK. More than OK. Hugs and love, Jill
What an absolute horrid time you’ve had! Your family are right, you have to think about you! As if what you’re going through isn’t enough you have to deal with separation as well! Are you staying in France or coming back to the UK? If I can do anything let me know xxx
I've been in my hydy hole for a while also. It's good to go underground for a while when ever things start crushing you. I think it's a defense mechanism from just too much from the world. So try to do things that you like to do [I know we're limited by our illness] but just try to think of things that you like , even if it's staying up til 3 am [haha, nobody is going to say something. ] I love living alone, try it, you might like it. Make plans with friends, even if just for tea. This is just another stage in life and I wish you all the best it can offer.
Oh Kryssy. There isn’t too much more for me to add to what everyone else has written. I am so sorry to hear that your marriage hasn’t been able to weather the storm. From what you have written, you are doing the right thing by prioritising yourself. I think of you often and only wish I could come and give you a big cuddle. Vicki xxx
So sorry to read your sad post. This disease really is a tough test on marriages and I think many of us have probably had our struggles in this respect. Mine has certainly had some tough times. Men do need strength of character to cope with our disease, especially as it is not ‘curable ‘ so treatment tends to be ongoing.
I feel sad that you are having to manage on your own and hope so much for a solution for you. You are brave to take matters into your own hands. Maybe coming back to the UK and family would be good for you now, although a major upheaval for you with changes in care providers and all the decisions.
Oh dear Kryssy I’m so very sorry you have this to cope with as well. I am thinking of you and sending strength, love and a big, gentle hug. Carolyn xx 🌸🌼🌸🌼.
Krystal I’m so sorry to hear hear your news. Your posts have always been uplifting no matter what was happening with your body, so I pray that you will continue to remain strong at this difficult time. You can’t be stressing about his problem as it will not help your condition. I hope he comes round and realizes what a fool he is. In sickness and in health after all. 😢
So sorry Kryssy. Yet another side effect of this disease! The shattering of our future plans. We had moved just a year before I was diagnosed. House needed quite a lot of work but we looked forward to it. Then I was diagnosed, had to give up work and it’s all half finished as our income has taken such a big hit. My hubby loved travelling and we had big plans for our retirement. It’s been hard on him to come to terms with the routine life. My children and grandkids sustain me but it’s not enough for him. He works away part of the week and that’s how we are still together - sort of. You have to follow your own path Kryssy. It’s better than pretending that all is ok. Sending you love and hugs.
What a heartbreaking time you have had and are having ! I do so hope you have a strong support network locally or would it be beter to return to the U.K for awhile to give you and your husband some space . You could also get a 2nd opinion eg at the Marsden. Somehow please stay strong and resilient . We all love and respect you .
Dear Kryssy, I am so sorry to find your devastating post. Difficult situations can sometimes reveal the true character and weaknesses of some people as in your case. It looks like your husband was never able to give you the support you need for whatever reason? I guess it's part of who he is but just so painful for you to find yourself facing it now. Maybe the "writing has been on the wall" for a long time but so difficult for you to finally find yourself facing the truth now. Gather as many friends and family as possible around yourself, accept every offer of help and keep hope in your heart. You will get through this to a brighter future. Live in hope and I will pray for you.
Just sad to hear when you need him most, he retreats and I second the notion that you come first and need the understanding of those close to you (other than him who you though was) for support and actual help. I am disappointed---he sounded like he was in it on previous posts but I think you were probably doing well enough that he didn't have to deal with it when it got more serious. So in between all else you are dealing with, you are selling your home? I hope someone else is handling that. Are you kids being supportive? Too far for everyday contact? We are here and think of you whether you write or not. Sending loving support and hopes that you get into situation of love around you and those that can put you first as well. oxoxxoxo Judy
So so sorry and sad to hear your news Kryssy. You are a very sensible lady and you are right when you say it is time to put yourself first and, probably not before time! You can now make your own decisions abt. how, where and with whom you live! I wish you all the very best and you know you will always have the utmost support from all the ladies on this site. love and best wishes Gwen xx
Dear lord, life can be an absolute beggar at times, talk about it never rains but it pours, for heaven's sake, how much is one person expected to bear all at once. I am very sorry to hear what's happening; the fact this sort of thing is not at all unusual will likely be no comfort to you at all. Illness, and especially cancer, are traumatic, and not just for the person who's got it, but just as much for the people closest to them, so if your circle includes people who can't cope (usually through fear), they'll disappear, even if its an offspring or a husband. You are being tested and going through the fire - from which we either emerge stronger, or don't make it. I very much hope you will emerge stronger, like a phoenix from the ashes.
I do, though, question the statement that its your fault because you've got cancer. If your husband genuinely has a therapist or counsellor, I can assure you that there isn't a real counsellor nor therapist on the planet who would say such a thing, nor even think it. Having been through the mill myself in relationships and sought therapy on more than one occasion, it usually turns out to be 50/50, and often, the 50% I've contributed I've been oblivious to (mostly misplaced expectations and not drawing boundaries, I just thought I was being kind...). I strongly suspect his 'counsellor' is imaginary or just some joe down the pub... If you were in the UK, you could challenge this story by contacting Relate and asking for counselling as a matter of urgency - they will want him to come along too, and if he refuses that, he's just hiding, not having therapy. And blaming you at the same time. Don't accept the blame, it doesn't belong to you, it's not your fault; if there's a fault, its in the relationship itself, and it takes two to tango..
Frankly, never mind whether he's got a therapist or not, it would not only be very helpful, but crucial for you to find a therapist of your own to help you through this incredibly difficult and painful time, as well as having, if possible, a friends/family support group to whom you can turn. I hope it is possible to do that... sending you strength in my thoughts.
I can't tell you how difficult it was to post this without a liberal sprinkling of good old fashioned anglo saxon expletives, especially on the subject of blame... either self directed blame, or blame directed at you. I'll shut up now, because blame, along with shame and guilt, are things I have a tendency to get on my soapbox about... please take care of yourself, never mind him. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but if you feel desperate, please feel free to send a private message if you think it might help.
I am so sorry to read this- life can be very cruel. However it is true that you need to put yourself first now and hopefully can spend Christmas with your family. Sending a big hug.
Partner abandonment is a phenomenon that has been discussed by cancer patients. Adds extra stress and depression from the loss. I was living in a house my obscenely wealthy mother bought for me as the "steward" of the family fortune. When I had my first surgery she said I lied about having cancer and at my recurrence, she had me evicted from the house by charging me "rent" that I can't afford. But I know she probably has Borderline Personality Disorder and she was influenced by an assistant who got rid of everyone in her life by his constant negative and degrading comments about them. I've moved, but having to move twice and the loss of studio space (I'm an artist) has taken not only a huge emotional toll, but a physical one as well. Still hanging in there in a clinical trial but I cry every day.
So sorry you are having to go through all this Krispy. Sending the hugest virtual hug 🤗🤗 x Jenny x
Well that totally sucks Kryssy! I'm sad for what you are going through; it's gotta hurt on so many levels. I've learned through this "journey" (hate that term) that people are who they are and they don't change just because we get sick. If fact, I believe, the stress brings out "more" of who they fundamentally are, for good or for bad. In any case, there is no "fault" here; certainly NOT YOURS! There's a book that might be helpful to you (it's been enlightening to me) called "When the Body Says No" by Gabor Mate. I know that my body has been screaming at me my whole life to take care of myself.....now I finally do because there is no greater wake up call than cancer. Wishing you lots of self-care and kindness.....Hugs from Seattle.
Many hugs to you! And you are right, you are not alone, and love yourself first regardless of what the future holds, and treasure the many love and care that is around you!
Oh, Krissy, I'm so sorry. Unfortunately he's not the first husband, boyfriend, significant other that has not been able to cope with this disease. It is still very hurtful to know that the vows you took at your wedding, in sickness and in health, were not honored. But you, my dear, are to be honored for your courage, strength, and veracity to beat this cancer, or at the very least, to keep it in check. Your husband, straight off, is a coward and superficial. Men stink. That's why I've been divorced for many years. I remember having the flu and asking my husband to get some aspirin for my high fever. He came back 6 hours later, drunk, without the medicine. He picked me up and threw me in an ice cold shower against my pleadings to not do this. I could have died from shock. At that point, I realized I was better off alone with my children than to be with a man who didn't care and who was selfish. You will get to that point and I'm sure we'll all be here to keep your spirits up. You are stronger than you think, and now you can make that spare bedroom into a zen den, like I did!
Life is so damned unfair, I feel so sad for you Kryssy. I also admire your gutsy attitude to take action whilst feeling unwell. Hope your house move goes well and you feel refreshed at grabbing life with both hands. All power to you. 😘😘
Hi Kryssy, first do not apologias for not posting we more then understand , my heart break for you that it has come to this where you and your husband have parted,I do understand how you feel there are times when I think I would be better of on my own and let him go.we seem to be at each other all the time very stressful, I'm not as brave as you I'm scared to be in the house by myself , I hope the house sells quickly and you can move to where most of your family and support is,I think of you all the time even tho we have never meet I do feel I know you ,I hope you find some joy at Christmas with all your loved ones around you..Take care my friend Lorraine💙💙 xx
Kryssy, I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with all this, but am amazed at your strength. Sending lots of love. It’s definitely time to put your well-being first.
Just saw your post Kryssy and feeling so much for you. Just one impossible situation happening after another. Just want to say sending strength and big hugs to you. I really hope you get the support you so deserve.
You mentioned that your spouse has a counsellor but obviously that is proving to not be particularly helpful. I wonder if couples counselling might be worth looking into. Not telling you to not split up just sometimes dealing with issues together is a bit different than individual therapy. You also mention him backing away while you were struggling with MS or just poorly with the flue. Quite the pattern so having ovarian cancer must just be way too much for him to cope with (also not taking his side here). A long time ago I read a book called Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. I don't remember if it deals with illness but it does address how some people back off when their partners wish for intimacy and the reasoning behind it. Might be worth a read or something along these lines may shed light on your relational dynamic. Having said all this I am myself finding it really difficult in my own relationship. I am the one who backs off and hides away while my partner wishes for intimacy. It breaks my heart to have retreated from him but I find it is the only way I can protect myself from emotional pain. Every time I touch or hug him I feel as if I won't be able to do it much longer because I will be dead so I start to cry.
I am so sorry you are going through this without your husband but is sounds like you may be better off without him. It ma be hard now but I hope you look back in time to realize you did the right thing.
My husband never came to visit me while I was in the hospital for a week after my surgery. My kids came everyday which I could not of gotten through without them.
Sending strength and love. Remember we are all here for you. I find much comfort on this site. I wish we could all live nearby and support each other in person. Cancer can be a very lonely place.
I have missed you and your posts but I could not find your account or a link to see how you are. Not great on this new technology, I came across this link to you by accident. So my belated sympathy is sent to you in buckets.........
A month has passed since your post so I hope you have been able to sort somethings out. You are a competent woman, funny, brave and true with a lot of virtual support as shown by these posts. Just want you to know we care. New year, new beginnings! Love Pam x
Hi Kryssy... I havnt seen you on this site for ages and was wondering how you were going... hoping you have been able to move on and things are happier for you.. that the sun is shining again in your life and there’s a smile on your face... have thought of you over the months and wish you well.. big hugs💖
Hello Krissy, I have only just joined the group, and have seen your messages from some time ago. I have been through many of the same symptoms and problems. I too live in France, half way between Rennes and Nantes. Do hope things have improved for you.
Very best wishes, Montelbano. (My favourite tv series).
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