Mother's Day and Who's a Mother Anyway

[TinaB1]

This year, I've eventually come to terms with my position of being childless in country where women without children are treated as somehow less than their peers.

Of course, there are exceptions but, in general, I'd say this is true.

And the situation is made worse by the naming of a day for those woman lucky to have a child by choice if they care to have one.

Yesterday, I was driving by the local church where there'd been prayers for mothers who were each given Mothering Sunday daffodils. Imagine how those without children might have felt in such a public display of official sidelining.

Yet, as the African proverb points out, it takes a village to raise a child.

I've spent years looking after thousands of children as both a Primary and Secondary teacher. I was a Form Tutor for twenty years listening to children's problems and giving guidance.

Aren't there aunts out there too who help out if asked? Or female cousins who take an interest?

Don't childless women who work, pay taxes so that other women's children can be educated and looked after by the NHS if they're sick, contribute in their own way?

I've recently joined the website Childless Not By Choice which has the slogan, 'Childlessness is not what defines me' but still, the lack of acknowledgement of the value of all woman is still hurtful especially on Mothering Sunday.

Anyway, here's the link:

childlessnotbychoice.net/

This year, I opened up about it and my lovely niece invited me to breakfast with her Mum and gave me some flowers. It was a momentous thing for me.

Sometimes, with this disease, I feel less of a woman than I felt before.

So for all women here, mothers or not. Childless by choice. Childless not by choice. I'd just like to say that your value to your community and family is immense. Xxx

[85live4ever]

Hi Tina, I am sorry you will never be a mother but it sounds as if in lots of other ways you have. I really enjoyed reading your post & the way you have expressed you feeling in such a expressive way. I decided to read your other post & you have such a way with words I feel you should write your thoughts down into a book.

I went to church yesterday & they did the same thing at my church as yours. They gave flowers out to mother's but what was nice was the minister of the church said that all woman are mother's even if they don't have children of their own. So they were also given flowers I felt was a nice gesture.

I hope you are as well as you can be thinking of you take care Cindyxx

[Petrolhead]

Hi Tina

I do find your post a bit sad. I am child free (note not childless) by choice. I have loads of friends with children and do not envy them at all. Whatever choice makes you happy. I know that some ladies ( and men ) are not child free by choice but they seem happy for others they have the life they wish.

For me - and appreciate maybe not for you- I don’t feel resentful of those without cancer, just happy for them that they are cancer free at the moment.

I have never been treated differently because I don’t have children and would beg to differ that childfree women are treated any less. In fact when going for a job may even be valued more ( I know this would be illegal if proved).

Hope you feel better for your post but please do not feel less just because you do not have any offspring.

Regards Fay

[Sunfleury-UK]

Beautiful, poignant and truthful words.... thank you lovely XXXX

[Irisisme]

Hello Tina,

I do not have children and that was my choice and it is so sad that this disease has robbed you of your choice. No one has ever asked my why I don't have children nor have I felt as you do on Mothers Day, it must make the pain worse for you having a day dedicated to mothers when you cannot be one.

You mention the NHS which suggests you live in the U.K. ; I would agree with Petrolhead, I don't think women in the UK who are 'child free' are treated any less.

Have you ever spoken to a Counsellor or etc about how you feel? Perhaps it would help. I do agree that it is tough to have motherhood thrust in the faces of those who want to be mothers but cannot be, and it is insensitive - and it wouldn't hurt to point this out. 85Live4ever has s church with the right attitude and lets hope more adopt it.

I hope you can ride the emotional pain of this time of year and make it through to the other side without too much damage.

Here's a virtual hug,

Iris xx

[Seasun36-uk]

Hi Tina,

I don't have children. I met the love of my life after childbearing was wise, if you see what I mean. Hubby Steve has a beautiful daughter & she & I are great friends. She sends me a card for Mother's Day, as do my step-grandchildren. I used to feel an ache...but not now. There are so many children around to love & fuss over. In our church yesterday EVERY lady was given some daffodils by the children, it was lovely.

Hearing about your working life, I think you have had a HUGE imput into the lives of numerous children & young people!! What a contribution you've made Tina. Linda xx

P.S. Your niece sounds a sensitive & caring person, cultivate that friendship ❣️

[Joy13]

This a poignant pieceTinaB1. Would love to see it posted broadly. ❤️

[Howick01]

We have to remember that some of us do not have mothers anymore as Mother's Day is not only about children.

Take care x

[Hidden]

Couldn't agree more. Thanks for posting.

Let's remember that International Women's Day comes just before, on March 8th, and is a much more inclusive and global recognition of all aspects of what makes women wonderful, as you illustrate so well above.

Plus relentless commercialisation has sucked the life out of so much ordinary recognition of value in the community.

[Howick01]

I do not understand why we have to have so much debate about every little celebration.

We should then stop the celebration of everything in every culture.

What a boring world we would be living in run by the politically correct police

There will always be someone affected and we cannot not allow others to enjoy perhaps a little something in their life especially if it is their mother who they may never see next year.

[ChristineL]

It's good to read an alternative view, I do think Mother's Day can bring a lot of pain for some if they don't have children or lost their mum or had a bad relationship with her but unfortunately society likes to showcase the perfect image and I think there's a lot of hidden grief. I also don't have children, can't now because of my BSO, bit too old now anyway, and I work as a midwife so I'm surrounded by mums, also im one of very few colleagues without children. I'm often asked by parents if I have children which really I think has no bearing but I know they're just showing interest. It has affected my self esteem a bit at times as I do often feel the odd one out but I have a lot of interests and I enjoy life despite its ups and downs. I get great satisfaction from my work as a midwife and want to do the very best for families and I do feel I do a good job although as I get older I do wonder if I'll stay in it as I do feel my resilience wearing down a bit. At my church they always give daffodils to every woman and someone got up and told about his 'grandmother ' who was a single childfree woman who ended up adopting his mum in the war and what a great presence she was in her community as she was known as a nurturing positive influence on people. i think everyone is fighting one battle or other and the people who impact you are those who have time for you, are kind and affirming and they leave you feeling better about your self and any of us can do that, mother/father/person.

[Seasun36-uk in reply to ChristineL]

I was a midwife too...what a privilege but also very stressful! (Retired now but my last job was in a GP surgery before diagnosis/treatment etc). Lx

[ChristineL in reply to Seasun36-uk]

It is a privilege and you meet so many people you wouldn't normally, but yes very stressful. I was in community but now back in unit. Am BRCA1 'previvor' but I learn so much on here so i read the posts, and am inspired by many of the women on here.

[Di16]

In the church I go to, they gave daffodils out to all women, whether mothers or not. Di

[koffeekat99]

Hi TinaB1

I am childfree by choice but now also cannot have children either. I have not particularly noticed anything specific about Mother's Day. As others have said the churches that hand out flowers tend to hand them out to all women and have done for years. I have never particularly felt excluded because of Mother's Day.

However, I have experienced times of feeling 'less' because I don't have children. Sometimes I think this is unintentional, i.e. when my husband and I meet new people for the first time they tend to ask me whether I have kids and him what he does for a living. This seems to be a general thing which I have noticed all of my adult life. I think it comes from people trying to find common ground and their experience is such that they find that usually they can bond quickly over things around their kids. Unfortunately it tends to stop them in their tracks because an answer of "no I don't have kids" means that you need to find another bit of common ground. In groups of people though it tends to mean that they move on to speak to someone else who they can clearly see something in common with. As I said I don't think this is an intentional thing as I think it's just human nature to take the path of least resistance, but it means that I often feel like an outsider where there is a group of women who have kids and they are all talking about stuff related to their kids. I don't begrudge them doing this but I do always hope that occasionally a bit of conversation pops up that isn't kid-related so I can join in.

I have also experienced more intentionally exclusive attitudes. This tends to occur when I am asked further about why I don't have kids or when I'm planning to have kids. When I say that I have chosen not to have kids some people find it extremely hard to accept. I have had allsorts of reactions to this, from incredulous noises to interrogation to being snubbed. One of the most common reactions is for people to suggest that my feelings on the matter will change and one day I'll realise that I will want kids. (This is not insensitivity to my OC, but rather because I tell people I have chosen not to have kids rather than I can't have them. It seems wrong to suggest to them that I have experienced that heartbreak).

However, I've always known with absolutely certainty that I don't want kids. This was proved when I went through genetic counselling with my partner several years prior to my diagnosis of OC (he also has a life limiting disease and his is genetic) where we were repeatedly asked (again with incredulity at our response of "no plans for kids") about our plans for having children.

I do however, feel so very sad for people like yourself who have felt that you would have liked to have children and that choice has been taken away from you. I can't imagine how that feels. But I am glad for you that you have been able to do something in your life that it sounds like you love (teaching) and that you have family who also love you and cherish your support.

[BellmoreBelle in reply to koffeekat99]

Katfish, thank you for sharing such an honest and beautifully expressed piece.

[lorraine71-Australia]

HI Tina, Like some of the other ladies I feel sad you feel that you are looked on as less becourse you are childless, I understand you will feel this more on mothers day but what a lovely niece you have.

The other day I was looking at Mothers day cards and found quite a assortment of greetings from teacher to aunt to happy U day !!.

PLease do not feel less you sound that you have given your time to the youth.

Just becourse you are a mum does not always mean you should have been one.

I think your slogan Childlessness is not what defines me is right live your life by that.

'Take care Lorraine xx 💙💙