My Ovacome
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When someone has “very bad news...”

Hi Ladies - I just need to vent about this as it has really bothered me.

I know we all get consumed by health issues but hell, with what we are all going through, who can blame us!? So when I was out dog walking with a friend and she said this that’s the place I went to. So many we know have something going on, various diagnoses, it’s what makes up a lot of conversation! When she said “ We’ve got some very bad news, my daughter didn’t get in to Cambridge,” I found it very hard to be sympathetic. But it was all about the phrase she used! Why pre-empt it like that? Just say it!

I’m holding back my real thoughts out of respect for you all...!

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Yes I understand what you mean, it seems insignificant to what we are going through. X

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I know exactly what you’re saying, it’s all about perspectives and lack of thought isn’t it?

An ex colleague said to me that I had no idea what she’d been through both physically and emotionally and I had no comprehension on the pain she’d suffered, she had had a minor op under a local anaesthetic to remove a melanoma which was totally successful, she said that as her cancer could possibly return (she uses sun beds 😬) it was much worse than my diagnosis, prognosis and treatment regimen 🤨. I won’t put my response into written text here as we’re all ladies ([sorry to any of you chaps here], but I wasn’t very ladylike on this occasion) but as I already knew she was an idiot and a drama queen I wasn’t totally surprised. I am very intolerant of idiots 🤔.

What I’m saying is that to each of us our bad news is relevant to the situation and her daughter not getting into Cambridge was bad news to her and her family but it’s all relative and she should have had a thought for you and your situation as well before saying it was really bad news she had to impart, in the bigger picture it wasn’t really bad and there will be other options for her daughter to go to university.

Sometimes people get the blinkers on and don’t see or understand what’s happening to others around them and certainly don’t engage the grey matter before voicing their thoughts.

I hope you’re ok and have calmed down a little lovely ❤️Xx Jane

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Cancer Trumps! Have lost at least one friend who played that game...

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Hi Muriel, I do understand where you are coming from & when we (cancer sufferers are ok'ish) people seem to think that we are fit & have no reason to complain & forget or do not wish to know really & deal with it like a common cold etc. I must say I rarely discuss my cancer with anyone really except my close family.

My take on your friend & others really with something like this is that everyone has different priorities & sometimes some people just sail through life without any problems,which of course I do not have a problem with & consider them to be very lucky.

Our grand-daughter has just failed to get into Oxford,but to be fair to her she had said that she did not think that she would get a place,so as not to be to disappointed which I thought was very good. Considering she is at a local comprehensive she felt lucky to even get an interview at Oxford.

Take care, xxx

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As you said, she has done so well to even get an interview! Congratulations to her. Inside she must feel very disappointed. Whichever Uni she gets into, I hope she'll quickly settle, make new friends and do very well. Love, Solange 😊

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Yes me too I understand what you mean. Our perspective is so different isn't it. I feel a kind of detachment sometimes in those situations. But at the same time, people do have their own perspective, they can't stand where we're standing, and it's important (to me anyway) to stay connected by sharing those ups and downs, even if they're not our great big roller coaster ones

X

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I share my ups and downs too as it helps me get through. I don't expect people to understand unless they have experienced it and I wouldn't wish that on anyone xx

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Oh I’m sorry, but I did laugh out loud at that ‘very bad news’ 😆 I’m a glass half full person, so I’d have just commiserated by saying I’m sure she will do well in what ever university she goes to...then maybe added a snide, “It could be worse, at least she doesn’t have cancer.”

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I think I even let slip something similar a few weeks back!! When a friend of mi e was complaining about her flu and how hard her life was! I wanted to say the same thing Vicki!! But I restrained myself!

It is very frustrating...People all have priblems that are relative but do e do not look beyond their own small world. I suppose the lady above was about hope. She had her hopes pinned on her daughter’s success? Sometimes people do need to be reminded that life is far bigger Xxxx

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I think these things depend on how we feel at the time because a friend of mine was telling me tales of woe and I said to her ' you've had a terrible year' and she said 'not as bad as you have' and I said ' why, what's happened to me?' I really had forgotten about my illness. Hard to believe when it seems to take up most of my time but for once I really had forgotten.

I wish this would happen more often. xx

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Hi Muriel I get exactly where you are coming from. When people say things like that I have to stop myself from saying 'if only that's all I had to worry about' but I suppose it all boils down to perspective as to what is going on in one's life. To them it's major, to us given what we are going through it's totally insignificant. I hope you are calmer now!. Big hug. Kathy xx

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Totally get you. We had rather a lot going on in our lives, my sister and I. She 5 years before had been through a successful brush with cancer, we were both looking after our aging father, I was diagnosed stage 4 ovca, her 41 year old daughter was diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer and somebody was going on and on to her at work about a broken nail. We do laugh about it now lol

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One of our instructors messaged me the other day to say he was going to be off this week as he has man flu. He said 'I'm dying', I replied 'me too' now I was being funny but I think he had a forehead slapping moment as he sent me an emoji of hand over mouth.

I agree there are varying degrees of bad news, I think unless you've walked this path it's hard to imagine what bad news really is, I know I would have struggled having had no real experience of cancer before my diagnosis. I guess if that's as bad as it can get for her then she should be thankful. For me the worst news ever was when my son passed away, my diagnosis and everything else just will never top that as the worst day of my life.

I totally understand where you are coming from, sometimes people say things and you think, are you for real.

LA xx

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Oh, to lose a loved one - especially your child, must be the most devastating news of all. My heart goes out to you LA ❤️️

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Ha! That's a cracker. I'm sure we've all heard things like that. I have little sympathy for other people's dreadful colds, and as for Man Flu .....

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I think sometimes friends/family forget what you’ve been through.

They think operation is over and if you are in between treatments or looking relatively healthy to them we are cured.

I don’t think anyone understands what cancer patients go through. Never knowing if it will return or not. Still suffering from after effects of operation and chemo. That on the outside you look ok. But actually inside you still hurt physically and mentally.

If they have never been through any significant illness or trauma it really doesn’t cross their mind. I don’t think their comments are meant to cause upset. But the comments do sting. X

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My boss didn't come into work today because he had a bit of a cold over Christmas and has been left with an ickle cough. He decided with all this flu going around he would be better off staying at home. He's not done a full days work since we came back after the New Year and today I have to deal with yet another disgruntled client because he's not done what she asked him to do weeks ago x

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Since my diagnosis and treatment a lot of people seem to want to tell me about their medical issues. Almost as though it is a competition or they have to justify themselves. The best one was a good friend told me in detail for at least 30 minutes about her dog being sick ( due to eating grass). Now I adore dogs but cannot see how I can compete with that!

I do not necessarily like to dwell on my issues but do not feel I can overly sympathetic to diatribes about stuff that feels very minor. A cold with stuffed up nose etc.

I suppose my level of importance of medical stuff has changed as has what I can be bothered to sympathise with. I try but really cannot be a§§§§d most times.

Although I am not particularly good at being supportive to people on this forum I do post if I think I can help with information or similar. It is good the have the level of understanding between the people on this forum.

So in an unusual post I give best wishes to all.

Fay

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I get that! People actually say to me ' now, you'll be interested in this' ....... and go on to tell me about their health problem, or the health issue of their friend, or the story of their auntie. who was diagnosed with x y or z 10 years ago. Often theres a gloomy tint to these stories. And I think, 'will I be interested in that? Not so much. Actually, not at all. But if you really want a horror story, here is mine! ' ' I am getting better at steering conversations into safer waters ........

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Yes, sometimes people just don't thInk. I was in a group of friends and friends of friends talking about parties passed when someone asked me directly what I was going to do for my 70th Birthday (to top a doozy for my 60th). I am 62 and I'm not expecting to be around for my 70th (as my close friends know). I couldn't help but laugh and declare that if I made my 70th it would be a miracle and I would be celebrating accordingly! Was I unfair? The person who asked should have known better.

Iris x

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You could almost take it as a compliment. At least people who do this do not define us by our illness. Or.........they just don’t think. -more likely

Fay

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Yes that may be disappointing forher but its not bad news. Whats for her wont go against her daughter is the answer to that. When any thing upsetting happens in the house I tend to say well it canbesorted and I agree with you its not a major issue

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Annoys me too but I have a few friends who’ve actually said that they’ve stopped moaning about the trivial things in life as they think about what I’m going through. They do put their worries into perspective.

Then there’s a certain relative , my mum actually who is the most selfish woman and has never cared. Seldom asks how I am and if she does it’s hust - how’s chemo going? Before I get a bloody essay on how her back hurts

Xxxxx

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I suppose if she is one of those pushy parents it must be devastating for her.

We must not judge others by what we have gone through as they have no idea.

Take care xxx

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Ha! Yes. I made a point of saying how disappointing it must be for HER DAUGHTER!

Still doesn’t qualify as ‘very bad news’.

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