Does "warrior" ring true for you? Not for me...

[kat98116]

I've been wondering how many of you feel about cancer being a "war" or a "battle." For me, that analogy doesn't ring true. I've been having a hard time explaining this to people, but this story, posted on another cancer board, really rang true for me. By the way, I am not bothered or offended when people make the warrior comments, because they are doing it with love and really don't know what to say. I hope the link works. Curious to know what you think. Hugs from Seattle, USA.

cnn.com/2017/07/21/opinions...

[Babbey]

I completely agree! Already told my husband that when the times comes I don't want 'she lost her battle to cancer' in my obituary. I am not and did not lose anything. We are brave courageous women who go through hell. We endure endless blood draws and iv's, multiple surgeries, poisonous chemo and powerful radiation. For us to go through what we do, both physically and emotionally we will never be losers in a battle. To say we lost makes cancer more powerful. We are the powerful ones in this equation.

[Tesla_7US in reply to Babbey]

Babbey, I agree with you. I also don't want HOW I DIE or WHAT KILLS ME to define my life. Really, obituaries frequently reduce people to "cause of death" which is robbing a person of their lifelong works and accomplishments. I think of myself as "living a productive creative life, cherishing my friends and family, using laughter for healing and then POOF! GONE! Simple. Game over. No regrets. I don't want anyone to read about the misery of my final days. That's not what my life's been about. How I die has NO BEARING on how I lived, worked, loved or gave back.

[Tesla_7US]

Kat, I have long winced at the description of cancer as a "battle". As a breast cancer survivor and an ovarian cancer patient in remission, I am just plain LUCKY. Lucky that I had no other underlying diseases, lucky that I have access to excellent medical care, lucky that I can afford medical care, lucky that I live in a comfortable home that nourishes my soul. Lucky that I have a loyal, compassionate, patient husband and family. Lucky that I have clean hot and cold running water, enough food to eat and no one is dropping bombs on my neighborhood. Lucky to have clean air, a car that runs and gas in the tank.

Cancer SUCKS! Terrible diagnoses happen to very nice people. There's no amount of wishing this disease away. I am simply lucky to be a perfect storm for remission. I don't take one minute of my life for granted. Ovarian Cancer will probably, ultimately, kill me. I hope that day is far, far away. I have made my peace. I have my will in place, my cloisonne cremation urns on the mantle. I've budgeted for my good bye party. I've done everything I can do to tie up loose ends for my family. NOW, I just enjoy living, loving, puttering in my garden and making art every single day.

[minard]

I agree too. I particularly liked the line : "Don't make it sound like I didn't try hard enough, or have the right attitude, or that I simply gave up". This is all hard enough as it is!

Having said that, everyone has the right to describe this disease and their own experience of it, in their own way. I'm all for freedom of speech and expression, but this article put it simply for me. Thank you. x

[Hidden]

Me too.... I also can't stand "journey"....

[Boot1947]

Hate 'battle' in all its forms, not a fan of 'journey', but dislike 'previvor' more than either.

[Tesla_7US in reply to Boot1947]

Never heard of "previvor". What does that mean?

[Boot1947 in reply to Tesla_7US]

As ai understand it, it's used to describe someone who's had a preventative mastectomy and/or oophoeectomy because they're BRCA+.

[harpist_UK]

I don't use warrior and don't like the battle terminology, because you can lose battles, and that's not positive. Regular use of the 'lost their battle' phrase in obituaries is helping to reinforce this dreadful phrase. I prefer 'living with cancer' - it has a much more positive ring to it, and indeed the cover of my chemo book says that my NHS authority is 'helping me to live well'. I recognise that getting through my initial illness was hard work, as is the regular mental processing of the shock of having this diagnosis, but it's still not a battle. I guess the terminology works for some people as it empowers them to 'get on their fighting knickers' (as someone once put it on here) and go for it. The important thing is we choose the words that help us.

[Howick01]

I certainly do not see myself as a warrior or fighting a

battle.

My older sister who has Parkinson's disease along with rheumatoid disease and arthritis has a far tougher time.

She is only 72 years and has developed Alzheimer's now.

She had to be admitted to a nursing home due to being unsafe in her home and it has broken my heart.She lives on a different continent which makes it even harder.

I remember telling my gynae/oncologist that I could have had a more horrendous diagnosis and he just rolled his eyes to the sky!

This is unfortunately how I feel just now.

Take care everyone x

[Tesla_7US]

Howick, I agree with you. Watching my own dear mother disappear into Alzheimer's was a 22 year long miserable experience that affected our entire family. I laugh with my husband that I don't think I'll live long enough to die of Alzheimer's. I'm relieved and happy about that.

[Howick01]

My mother had Alzheimer's but was in her eighties.

I am just watching it all over again and in such a short space of time.

My mother never knew I had OC and people would say to me "at least she was spared that" and I used to think "no- how dare you say that-a mother would want to know"

[PhillipandBettykid]

Absolutely agree. I am not a loser even though it is terminal. I am a struggler though but mostly glad for every day I have. Also I don't believe in bucket lists. I am making memories. 😊 Thanks for sharing.

[MurielTheActor]

Yes yes YES!

Platitudes and cliches are just grabbed because they serve to prevent those who use them from actually thinking about what they're responding to.

I know there are attempts by many professionals to address the language used around illness and specially cancer. I let anyone know who uses it that the words don't reflect the reality.

If I'm not a cancer warrior then I am definitely fighting a language battle!

[Jessica-DianeB]

I was thinking about this the other day. I'm not fighting it because it zaps all my positive energy that I need for immune system recovery. It's more like a friend, one that you look after as best you can until she gets a bit selfish and tricky but you hope that she will see the light and return you the favour on realising your courage and dedication.

Its another relationship in life that's not always perfect.

Everything ends, life ends for everybody and we never say people who die of old age lost their battle with life!

Our lives are different, unique and meant to be, for whatever reason.

I'm mindful of not sugar coating here and have had some incredibly dark moments. But you can't see the light until you've been hidden in darkness xxxxxx

[Tesla_7US in reply to Jessica-DianeB]

JDB, a very interesting analogy. One that I've not pondered. Thank you for your perspective. You're making me consider yet another angle to my own situation. How I love this forum!!

[thesilent1]

Interesting article Kat. I like Lisa Adams quote. People use words like "battle, journey, brave" without really thinking about the actual meaning of the word I suppose. The one word I challenge people on is when they say I'm very brave. I tell them, I'm not brave, my daughter is brave, she came down the front of the Europa (the tallest hotel in Belfast) on a rope, me, I'm doing what I have to, to survive, not brave, living!

But, personally, it does feel like a bit of a battle with me when I'm on chemo, when my wbc count goes so low and I end up with infection, at times in hospital and I have to keep telling myself, your not going to win this time cancer!

Each to our own and whatever helps us get through this horrible disease is ok by me.

Ann xx

[Di16 in reply to thesilent1]

I agree. I don't like being told I'm brave. I'm not brave, have just been doing what's necessary. Di

[Andrea63]

I agree, personally I don't feel like I've been fighting. I've just turned up to my appointments and let the team do what they need to do. Sometimes the treatment is tough but we go through it because the alternative for us and our families is worse. I also don't feel particularly brave as I have been showered with kindness and love by the hospital staff, my friends and family.

I do, however, own a pair of "big pants" that I've had to get out a few times during treatment.

[Katmal-UK]

I personally think each to their own...... does it really matter in the scheme of things what language, words, etc are used as long as people aren't bothered or offended.

[lorraine71-Australia in reply to Katmal-UK]

Hi Katmal, I agree with you but after reading the posts I have offended some people over the last 3 years, unknown as I have used Battle,journey, fight, at all times with my heart felt best wishes, I had hoped that on receiving a reply from me I only make that person feel a little better. Sending my best wishes to all..Lorraine

[Katmal-UK in reply to lorraine71-Australia]

Hi Lorraine, Ive probably used such words myself but obviously we cant know what might or might not offend. Our motives were not to offend but to offer support, advice etc and Im sure others will see that xx Kathy xx

[Andrea63 in reply to Katmal-UK]

I never feel offended by others using the word battle, particularly on this forum where I've been so grateful for all of the support I've had regardless of the terminology.

I've only just finished my first treatment and it all happened so quickly that I've just gone with the flow, I've had some nasty complications and some very difficult days but nothing compared to some of the ladies here or indeed some of the people I've met in hospital.

Kathy, I know you've been living with this for a long time and have had several treatments. When going through my first treatment I have often wondered how so many of you can keep doing this....maybe that's when the fighting talk has to kick in.

I have so much respect for everyone here who is living with this xxx

[Andrea63 in reply to lorraine71-Australia]

Hi Lorraine - I've replied at the end of Kathy's thread but just to say I've always felt completely supported on this forum, it doesn't matter what terminology people use xxx

[lorraine71-Australia in reply to Andrea63]

Hi Andrea, I'm like you I have always felt the support and heart felt wishes from this site and will continue too..my best wishes Lorraine xx

[Babbey in reply to lorraine71-Australia]

Hi Loraine

I don't think anyone is offended when the battle word is used. Offended suggests annoyance. More so with me it's a personal thing but if you ever use that word in an email to others on this site I can only imagine there only thought is gratefulness and love for your support and empathy!❤️

[Suzanne333]

I think we all just cope the best we can and in different ways.

We are all living with an illness. How we all deal with it and how we see it can vary greatly.

I just wish none of us had it .

Xxx

[Lyndy]

Thanks for sharing this. Although I wouldn't take issue with those who do use this kind of description...personally I'm under no illusions that if cancer decides to kill me it will. As someone has already said I'm lucky today...tomorrow may be different..I try to accept that and get on with being me xx

[IrishMollyO]

Hi Kat

I have just read your post and attachment and all the answers. I think if it helps patients to call it a battle so be it. Personally I never thought of it as such. If we want to use that analogy then cancer is the enemy , our bodies are the battlefield , our oncologists and team are the general and army and the weapons are knives , radiation and chemo. The battlefield is passive like our bodies and must go along with the ebb and flow of the battle and hope that the good guys win. It is certainly an evil enemy and our hope is that more and more new weapons are developed.

As for being told by healthy people that I need to stay positive I have no words to describe what that does to me. I am usually speechless . Just as well or I would really have a fight on my hands. Thanks for posting this . It started a lively and interesting discussion. Take care

XXX

[kat98116]

Good morning from the USA. Wow! I had no idea the depth of discussion this would start, but thank you all for your input. As always it helps so much to know that others feel as I do. I'm knee deep in chemo right now with surgery just around the bend and the only way I'm getting through this at the moment is literally one day at a time. After all, we really only have today....all of us....cancer or not.

[Hidden]

Hi all,

I too struggled with the terminology of " she lost her battle with cancer". I felt those words somehow inferred that someone who died from cancer had a choice in the matter and chose to go into battle. However, after 3 recurrences in 2 years, and waking up feeling pretty crap, struggling through pain and fatigue at times, I heard myself describing to a friend in the last 2 months, that every day is a battle and I felt at that particular time that it was. That being said, I don't feel like a warrior, or particularly brave, I'm just doing what I'm being told by the medics to survive and have the best quality of life possible!

Best wishes to all!

Juliet

[koffeekat99]

Much in common with the other comments I don't relate to the terms 'warrior' and 'battle'. For similar reasons I'm not keen on the term 'survivor' as I personally don't relate to it. However, I have no issue at all with other people who relate to these terms. I can see why some people would relate to them. It's just personally I don't.

The only time I got (slightly) irked about labels was when a Macmillan rep spoke to me for about 10 seconds and then proudly said "well when I deal with survivors, like yourself because that's what we call you......". I wasn't very comfortable with being given a label by someone who hadn't bothered to ask me how I felt about cancer first and who I thought should have had enough experience of people dealing with cancer to have known not to thrust a label on me.

But family and friends and colleagues I tend not to worry too much about how they want to label cancer or how they want to react to it. I think it's a very personal thing and I'm aware that I'm probably not the only person in their world who has or has had cancer. So their reaction to me is quite possibly shaped by another experience they've had with cancer.

[Jackie0]

Hi Kat, Thankyou for sharing this article with us. Totally share the views expressed

Jackie O xxxx from a very chilly U Kz☔️🌸