I'm just having a wobble. Had the builders in today doing work on the house. This was something we always planned to today but you know how it is, you keep putting things off, and after being diagnosed at Christmas it has kicked us up the back side to get these jobs done. My partner won't be home from work for another hour or so and the builders have just left for the day and for some reason i've suddenly got all teary and dark thoughts have popped into my head. Instead of thinking that wow this is gonna be great when it's finished, all I can think is that I won't be around to see it and I'm feathering the nest and making the home nice for my partner for when I'm no longer here.
I only had my last chemo yesterday and I don't like to think like this because I try to stay positive, but sometimes it's so hard to even think that I have any kind of future.
I'm sure i'll have got a grip by the time my partner comes home coz he doesn't like to see my like this and say's it's no good for me and I know he's right, it's just hard, so I just thought I'd pop on here and share my thoughts with you lovely ladies and hope that you'll know exactly where i'm coming from and help me to shake off this negativity please?
With many thanks
Teresa xxx
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hug , hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, just a few hugs to see you through till your partner comes home. I arranged my funeral, very soon after my first diagnoses, but that was over 3 years ago, and I have just started my 3 line chemo, and I know I will have a miserable 6 months, but the times in between are truly worth the fight. We all have wobbles and feel down at times, but it always passes. anyway accept the hugs and know they are heart felt. xxx Jeanette
Aww I'm new to this site..this my 1st post but just want to say ..a big hug from me too ..you sound a wonderful lady, I don't no your story but as the lady before me has said , you will get your down days ..
Ahh bless you must be something in the air today !!!! Its good to share and in so many ways the strength fortitude and humanity in here is humbling . Take pleasure in the messages from those on here who've shown this can be done your living the dream building for a future believe in this future and share with those close much love xxx
Big hugs to you. It's sometimes so so hard to shake those dark terrifying thoughts. We all know how you feel. I get those days and my partner is supportive but doesn't like seeing me worried so tend not to talk to him when I'm feeling low.
We are all here for you and will hopefully lift you up.
Thank you so much for all of your quick replies Knowing that there is always someone here who knows exactly how i'm feeling even without being too sure myself what's wrong and just needing a good cry because it's all just so unfair, is a real comfort. I'm just having an attack of the "if only's" and there simply is no point to this because what's done is done, just makes you realise how precious life is.
Like you we put all the work we wanted to do on hold after my diagnosis, which was Sept.2015. I completed my treatment March 2016. It has taken until recently for me to get my head around having work done,so fully understand where you are coming from. The work on our kitchen is due to start Friday of this week & I am looking forward to the work being finished. The other thing we are doing is re-organising the garden which takes time but I love it outside so find this relaxing.
I have had thoughts the same as you as to how long will I be able to enjoy all this for but generally I do cope quite well.
Our grand -daughter is getting married August 2018 & I am determined to be there for that & I have already started looking at outfits.
I am sending you lots of hugs & love, & all I can say is take one step at a time,try to be positive (which I know is difficult),but you are doing just fine.
BIG, HUGE HUG coming your way. We all have 'wobbles' like you are having now. I bought a golden lab when I was going through my first lot of chemo following diagnosis and told my hubby it was to keep him company when I am no longer here. Wellllll suffice to say I am still here, the dog is barely here, has so many health issues! You are probably feeling down especially as you have just had your last chemo and sometimes thats hard as well as once you have finished it feels like 'whats to stop it growing'. Take a deep breath, have a cuddle off your other half when he's home and start making plans for decorating etc or what ever else needs to be done following the completion of the building work. Plan what you can plan, the unknown future you can't really do anything about. Enjoy the here and now. OK, end of sermon...... Take Care, Kathy xxx
Aww, yes I totally get that feeling and I suspect that most of us do. Just remember that the prognosis of life is unknown for every human being on the planet.... it's just that ours is right in our faces or sitting on our shoulders. Stay positive, your house will look amazing and you WILL get to thoroughly enjoy it
Sending you a big hug . Totally understand how you feel . We had plans to have a new patio installed last Christmas and I just kept telling my husband to decide what he wanted as I didn't think I would be around . Have enjoyed sitting on the patio for breakfast this summer and glad I got involved 😎, Does get easier with time . I am now 6 months post chemo and NED . We sorted an area of the garden at the weekend that we have been planning to do for ages which was very satisfying and spoke to an architect about finally rebuilding the garage and extension . Yes part of me wonders will I be here to see it finished but I am going to jolly well enjoy putting my mark on it . The way my husband looks at it is they are all things we should have got done years ago and the OC has given us the kick to get sorted . Can understand why you don't want to upset your partner my husband used to try and jolly me out of my dark mood but now he knows to just let me be, let me have a good cry and give me a hug . Good luck with the building work and stay well . Love Kim x
Lots of hugs from me darling. We are allowed to have a wobble, it's difficult to keep positive constantly. There are lots of ladies here who have probably felt the same as you, me included but here I am 7 year's later from a stage 4 diagnosis. 😘🌹🌻🌹
Hello Teresa, I'm sure you're right, you will retain your positivity by the time your partner comes home. I knew I had ovarian cancer in November 2015 but the exact diagnosis in January 2016 and I'm still here. Still enjoying my newly decorated bedroom furnishings and curtains (I'd thought I'd be so ill after my operation, I'd have to receive visitors in bed; I was so wrong).
I do know where you're coming from as I thought about cancelling a bee-keeping course I was embarking upon, shortly after my diagnosis, thinking that I wouldn't be around to keep a beehive let alone enjoy a honey harvest. I decided if I stopped doing what I really wanted to do, I'd not be properly living my life. So, I went on the course, bought my hive, hived my first swarm and now have two hives and looking forward to my first honey! That's my first hive in my profile picture; it's much taller now as I have "supers" on full of honey! I've also planted a quince tree that won't bear fruit for four years, it's my talisman that I'll be here to cook with the fruit.
Live for the present and make every moment of every day count.
Hi Teresa, First, big soft hug on you. We all understand what you're feeling. It's not possible to experience life without negative thoughts. Healthy people have plenty of negative thoughts and they're not even battling cancer. Glad you can express your thoughts and feelings here because hiding or suppressing them is not healthy for anyone. So, all that said-- you have TODAY! You are here NOW. Do not let cancer take up any more space in your brain. It's already robbed you of the "open ended-ness" and carefree life you previously have led. Consider your negative thoughts, ponder them, and replace them with thoughts that bring you comfort and pleasure NOW. Have a cup of your favorite beverage, eat something you like, read what you like, crochet, knit, watch Netflix til the sun comes up. Just substitute with something you enjoy when the negative thoughts begin to consume the time you have right now. This is a huge adjustment of perspective. It takes practice, but personally, I just say "F___K CANCER I'm not going to let it steal all of me."
We had just finished our major build when I got diagnosed,I sometimes look at what we have had done and wonder how much longer I will be around to enjoy it,so I know where you are coming from.
I am lucky to still be NED and I was lucky enough to have builders that literally became one of the family,we had such a laugh and they were complete gents,even buying me flowers and inviting us to weddings after the build and I can only recommend you choose your builders carefully.
Also,think to the future and what a wonderful house you will have to look forward to and spend many,happy,healthy years living in,
Good morning you lovely ladies. Today is another day and I feel much better this morning. All of ur lovely replies made me cry each time i read them (wot am i like lol) but each time i read them i felt a little bit better. My partner came home from work, we had a cuddle, i cried a bit more then i started to cook the tea and slowly the fear and doubts subsided and everyday life moved back in.
Thanku so much all of u for helping me, no doubt i'll have nore wobbles but it's reassuring to know that we have this site to come to for the stories of inspiration and encouragment and of course, a hug wen we need it
Big love and hugs
Teresa xxx
You just never know when those bouts of wobbles are going to attack! Here's another hug to add to the pile, Dawn x
Aw bless you. Sending massive hugs even though you're almost certainly fine now! We ALL get days like this. I feel that way when I see my grandchildren sometimes. But there's three of them now and the were none before I was diagnosed four and a half years ago! I've had three lots of chemo and will almost certainly be back on chemo before the end of the year but i'm still going strong! Hopefully you'll be one of the 'lucky' ones and won't need any more treatment after this though, so think of all the happy time you'll have in your lovely house.
Big tight hugs for you, I know it's very difficult to shake off those fears in our mind, but the main thing is we are still around and make the most of it.. I am the same as you most days.. we live each day as it comes.. Take care and enjoy your new project.. Xxxxx
Hi, the trauma with builders and their dust and mess is enough to send anyone without this disease over the edge so don't feel bad about it. When I was diagnosed in June13, I remember thinking my car would do me as there was no point in me buying another one, I wouldn't be around to drive it! I changed my mind and took delivery of a new one (it was less than a year old) in May 2015. I've done things to my house too, i had the conservatory roof changed to a solid one making it a sun room now and much warmer in the winter than it was previously, had the house repointed, albeit a necessity as I had some penetrating damp on the gable wall. What I'm trying to say is, I have benefitted from these things too, and you will benefit from your changes. Look forward to designing the interior once your building work is done, look on pintrest for inspiration, colour schemes etc, and remember, you are doing this for your comfort. Ann xx
Hi Teresa
I completely understand how you feel Teresa, when I was diagnosed just over two years ago, at Stage 4, I didn't think I would be alive two years later, albeit with a very different lifestyle! In between treatments for 3 recurrences during the last two years, I've had many holidays abroad and some weekends away here in Ireland and have enjoyed my daughter's wedding in May in this year. I have also felt down and discouraged, but now try to live every day as it comes.
I wish you all the best and sending you a BIG HUG!
I am se ding you an enooooormous hug. These times will pass and try to focus on the day at hand and be still in each moment. Focus on what is in front of you e.g. A flower, a leaf, a bird or butterfly...try hard not to let the fear rob you of yourself, and that is so easy to say. Surround yourself with people that distract you or bring joy and that will help. So much love to you. Nicky xxx
Yes I know exactly where you are coming from. I try to put it out of my mind but it doesn't always work. I do find that enjoying the summer flowers help to cheer me up. I went out and took part in the Big Butterfly Count -where you download a chart and go outside and count which butterflies you see in 15 minutes. I did 4 counts which took an hour and was then completely knackered and had to lie down. I know a lot more about butterflies now! My husband remains upbeat which helps a lot.
I'm on a bus on my way back from gynae appt so I'm reading all the posts. You have had some great replies and I was so happy to read that your partner is home and that you are getting your positivity back. I think most women have been where you were earlier including me . The difference with me is that I undertook a major overhaul of my mothers old country house just as I started chemo and I was high on steroids ! I was on fire and totally energised as project manager . My enthusiasm somewhat faded by end of chemo Oct 2011 when the end of treatment slump hit me as it hits most people. You go from being cosseted by oncology nurses to being seen every three months . I worked my way out of that one by going to a support group and seeing a cancer psychologist. Stay in the moment Teresa and you will get more and more positive. Best wishes for the future
Like Teresa has said I left the chemo ward after my last dose of poison; all the nurses were busy so I just left and felt so alone and uncared for. I also have recently found a cancer support group near my home and am able to talk to new friends who understand all the ups and downs we all feel. Down days are usual but so are the good days. It smiles to you.
I feel the same way sometimes. It's hard getting things like house renovations done. Hope you feel in a better place soon. And I hope the house looks fab once it's all finished . Xx
We all have wobbles sometimes. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. We were lucky in that we'd just finished an extension when I was diagnosed. I remember how stressful builders were (and they were lovely builders!)
My husband now has cancer too and I think we both find that making plans for the future helps to keep us positive.
Sending lots of hugs-there will be better days to come.
sometimes there will be days like this and I feel that we should be allowed to embrace this fear and crappy insecure feelings that we have. its human to feel this way. every so often I need to have a good cry, shout, scream stamp my feet about how unfair all of this is then I can put my big girl pants on to deal with it.
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Knowing that there is always someone here who knows exactly how i'm feeling even without being too sure myself what's wrong and just needing a good cry because it's all just so unfair, is a real comfort. I'm just having an attack of the "if only's" and there simply is no point to this because what's done is done, just makes you realise how precious life is.
Best Wishes to All :)
